Page 3 | Would you date a man who had been an affair partner

Furrylittlesweetpotatoes · 19/08/2025 09:03

Absolutely not. Anyone who involves themselves in removing the right to informed sexual consent and personal agency from a betrayed person is morally reprehensible.

He also cheated on the cheat.

All in all he is a walking red flag and you’d be an idiot to continue to see him.

Furrylittlesweetpotatoes · 19/08/2025 09:07

‘He’s early 50s no children. Not close to family from sound of it who do have children. Works. Seems solvent.’

This alone is a huge red flag why are you even entertaining going on a second date. He’s a perpetual Peter Pan. And stop stalking her, you’re being weird.

Original poster

newman2025 · 19/08/2025 17:25

Didn’t actually meet today. He’d got his days off mixed up. Which is a relief really as I still wasn’t sure on what to do.

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Missj25 · 19/08/2025 19:35

newman2025 · 18/08/2025 23:09

Just as the title says.

Recently bumped into someone I used to know at an event we both attended and we exchanged social media. Messaged a bit and agreed to meet up.

During the course of the meet up told me because he’d been seen by someone he was just out of a long term “relationship “ with someone who was married. Sounds like it’s gone on for ages and only stopped recently and also during their time together they had a break up because he’d cheated on her but they got back together.

He told me her name. She’s still on his social media. She doesn’t look like an awful person and I can see lots of interaction between them over the last few years.

Who knows why she had an affair but what about him. He was vague and said they’d separated in last month.

I wouldn’t bother with him if I were you OP . Firstly he has just stopped seeing this woman one month ago , Secondly she was /is married when he was involved with her , & thirdly he cheated on her !
See how that sounds
Wouldn’t look the best on a new bf candidate cv !

EarthSight · 19/08/2025 19:48

Even from a self-serving, strategic standpoint alone, I'd caution you to be careful. There are people out there who are quite happy to be the 'other person' for a long time, until shit gets real and they chicken out.

Even though affairs aren't right, imagine starting to build a future with someone in your head only for them to back out at the crucial hour? How would you feel if that had been you? Be prepared that he might go cold quickly on you to as soon as he's out of his comfort zone.

Furrylittlesweetpotatoes · 19/08/2025 20:45

I’ve been thinking more on this one.

Affairs thrive on the drama triangle.

Affair partner, cheat, betrayed all play their part, one often unknowingly.

Seems like her change in circumstance re her relationship had left a gap he thinks you could fill.

You really need to get out for your own good. From your description he’s not even a catch!

sonjadog · 19/08/2025 20:50

I wouldn't date him because it sounds like he is still involved with this woman. Or even if he isn't right now, he has been very recently and there are still ties there. That would put me off more than the idea that someone who has been an affair partner is untrustworthy for ever more.

Original poster

newman2025 · 19/08/2025 22:47

Thanks everyone. I’ve been out for a drink with a friend. She actually filled me in a bit as knew of him/her through another close friend of hers. .

By all accounts he ditched this woman about two weeks ago quite coldly without much of an explanation just at the time she was going through some tricky times and is also in process of separating from her own husband.

I don’t need an avoidant emotionally stunted commitment phobe man using my energy. I’m throwing this one back!

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Original poster

newman2025 · 21/08/2025 09:04

He’s still messaging asking if everything ok and whether I’d like to meet up again.

Seems either totally emotionally unaware or a love bomber.

Don't wanna block. Not necessary but polite ways to handle this?

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Original poster

newman2025 · 21/08/2025 09:05

He’s still messaging asking if everything ok and whether I’d like to meet up again.

Seems either totally emotionally unaware or a love bomber.

Don't wanna block. Not necessary but polite ways to handle this?

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Gonk123 · 21/08/2025 09:10

You seem to be going very deep into this with a man who only just split up a month ago. How many dates have you been on? I wouldn’t get involved - but you already are it seems. You’ll get hurt 💯 because you will carry on seeing him and he sounds like a drag

Thisistyresome · 21/08/2025 09:35

This is one of those “theoretically, in some circumstances” like if they were unaware of the person being married, if it was very long ago for a short time and they themselves had not been other wise attached. If there was an agreement and staying for children’s stability (but how often is that claim real). But even with those you would need to be careful.
This just sounds like a mess that is best avoided.

Snowfalling · 21/08/2025 09:39

newman2025 · 21/08/2025 09:05

He’s still messaging asking if everything ok and whether I’d like to meet up again.

Seems either totally emotionally unaware or a love bomber.

Don't wanna block. Not necessary but polite ways to handle this?

I would ask myself why you're so concerned about remaining polite to this man who you've now found out has coldly discarded someone he was in a long term relationship (affair) with, and as soon as she seems to have wanted more, he dumped her. Do you really want to be involved with someone like that? He seems of such low value and not worth the bother unless you like drama.

Rosiecidar · 21/08/2025 12:03

OP, I have been where you are. The thing is that people like this guy become very good at being deceitful. Compared to the lies he has been telling, other "smaller" lies have no significance. It's exhausting being with someone like this, you'll be constantly checking if it all adds up ..

BestZebbie · 21/08/2025 14:13

No, because either they feel it is OK to cheat or their dick can override their brain, and neither is what I’d want in a partner.

Christl78 · 21/08/2025 16:16

Nope. 1. Low morals 2. He is stupid and accepts to be placed second ie low self esteem 3. They just broke up.
he is not in his right mind. Keep your distance. He will get back with her. He is a victim

outerspacepotato · 21/08/2025 16:39

Why wouldn't you block him? He's cold and messy. Do you like mess?

The more women that give cheating scumbags a swerve, the more chance they get a clue how unattractive it is. And this guy's a scumbag. Once she got attached and was in a bad place, he was out of there looking for a new woman. Ick.

Original poster

newman2025 · 21/08/2025 21:18

I suppose I’m being polite because it’s a small enough town to know I’ll be at things at some point in the future. Or Asda etc.

Plus actually I need to woman up and say Actually best we leave this here. I don’t like what’s gone on when we met and I could then see the hurt in someone else’s eyes. Bit quick isn’t it? Sounds like you’ve got shit to sort out and also view fidelity completely different to me.

Is that enough.

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Snowfalling · 21/08/2025 21:51

newman2025 · 21/08/2025 21:18

I suppose I’m being polite because it’s a small enough town to know I’ll be at things at some point in the future. Or Asda etc.

Plus actually I need to woman up and say Actually best we leave this here. I don’t like what’s gone on when we met and I could then see the hurt in someone else’s eyes. Bit quick isn’t it? Sounds like you’ve got shit to sort out and also view fidelity completely different to me.

Is that enough.

I really think your message hits the spot, I would go with that.

Definitely don't engage any further, he sounds like a callous user and you could end up getting really hurt if you thought, 'maybe he will change for me, I'll give him a chance.'

Gonk123 · 21/08/2025 21:51

You don’t need to go into detail, he will just respond. Just say thanks for the dates but I think I would prefer to leave things now. Take care and I’ll see you around. What you’ve put is encouraging a response and conversation. Maybe you want that?’

IShouldNotCoco · 21/08/2025 21:51

No

TwistedWonder · 21/08/2025 21:54

newman2025 · 21/08/2025 21:18

I suppose I’m being polite because it’s a small enough town to know I’ll be at things at some point in the future. Or Asda etc.

Plus actually I need to woman up and say Actually best we leave this here. I don’t like what’s gone on when we met and I could then see the hurt in someone else’s eyes. Bit quick isn’t it? Sounds like you’ve got shit to sort out and also view fidelity completely different to me.

Is that enough.

Why do you need to go into that much detail? It’s way OTT imo.

Just say to him let’s leave it there as it’s not what you’re looking for.

No need for an essay.

And the more you try and justify your decision, the more ammunition you’re giving him to come back asking for another chance.

Original poster

newman2025 · 21/08/2025 23:18

True. Possibly too much but I do feel he’s used me a bit to get to her.

I mean seriously the chances of us both being at place HE choose!

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Furrylittlesweetpotatoes · 22/08/2025 06:26

Yep, that crossed my mind as well, feels like he set it up a little.

He is trying to get his drama triangle back.

Just say you’re not feeling it and thanks. But please do it because right now he will absolutely not make a safe partner.,

MannequinsArePeopleToo · 22/08/2025 06:52

newman2025 · 21/08/2025 21:18

I suppose I’m being polite because it’s a small enough town to know I’ll be at things at some point in the future. Or Asda etc.

Plus actually I need to woman up and say Actually best we leave this here. I don’t like what’s gone on when we met and I could then see the hurt in someone else’s eyes. Bit quick isn’t it? Sounds like you’ve got shit to sort out and also view fidelity completely different to me.

Is that enough.

Stop overthinking. Less is more.
"This isn't working for me. Bye".