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Original poster

DH has fallen out with his siblings

70 replies

HollyhockDays · 18/08/2025 13:47

Following their mums death DH has fallen out with his siblings. It’s a very long story - some of it was over money, some of it was over how DH felt he was treated. One sibling was on his “side” but then switched sides.

DH has not spoken to either of them for about 18 months. He says he doesn’t miss them.

His siblings don’t have kids and are keen to maintain a relationship with our kids so I try to facilitate that.

His anger and bitterness towards his brother is still very, very raw.

I just can’t accept that he’s prepared to cut them off. I assumed it would all smooth over eventually. I’m not really sure why I’m even posting!!

OP posts:
SpamBeansAndWaffles · 18/08/2025 13:48

I know it's hard but it's his decision.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 18/08/2025 13:50

Was he the family scapegoat growing up?

I am the scapegoat and it seemed as though family frustrations and dysfunction was dumped on me. Its hard to maintain a warm relationship with someone who behaved like that. I was bullied and its so damaging.

They're his siblings, and if he doesn't want a relationship with them, you have to accept that.

SpamBeansAndWaffles · 18/08/2025 13:52

I agree with @BoundaryGirl3939 it's absolutely heartbreaking being the family scapegoat.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 18/08/2025 13:52

And the whole business of someone being on your side, then switching sides is so damaging and isolating. I don't take any sides in family disputes. Maybe your husband is right to walk away from this s**t.

beetr00 · 18/08/2025 14:02

@HollyhockDays

"I just can’t accept that he’s prepared to cut them off"

Why?

Who does it impact?

How does he feel, knowing that you're not supportive?

If you really think he is being totally unreasonable, is there a possibility you could discuss?

Original poster
HollyhockDays · 18/08/2025 14:08

I don’t think he was the family scapegoat. Their parents were a bit hands off.

I guess I find it hard because I love my sister and would be heartbroken to not have her in my life. I also feel for our kids that they don’t have an extended family to support them.

I think everyone could have behaved better over his mums death and the subsequent fall out. So while I think DH has some grounds to be annoyed he probably took it too far.

OP posts:
Dogaredabomb · 18/08/2025 14:10

Well, you're married to him not them and they're his siblings, not yours.

AnnaMagnani · 18/08/2025 14:13

If his siblings want to maintain a relationship with their nephews/nieces then they should be making up with your DH as a priority.

Getting you to help them access the DCs is underhand and very undermining of your DH. It's behaviour like that which made him cut them off in the first place.

tinyspiny · 18/08/2025 14:15

You should not be facilitating a relationship between them and your kids , if he doesn’t want to see them / speak to them that is his decision .

outerspacepotato · 18/08/2025 14:18

Let him have whatever relationship with them he wants. His sibling relationships are not yours to control.

I would caution against giving his siblings access to your kids against his wishes. No relationship with their own dad and hard feelings should mean no access to the kids. Is he angry and resentful about that?

Rhaidimiddim · 18/08/2025 14:19

In your DH's position I would be very worried about my children spending any amount of time with the family relatives I've fallen out with.

If these family relatives play nice with the children, and the children get to be "but Daddy, uncle Bryn's soooo nice, I don't know why you are so horrid to him".

Or they could actively weaponise/ manipulate the children, telling them their side of the story and directly or indirectly casting their dad as the baddie.

These relatives should have thought hard about the effect of their actions, when.they ganged up on your DH, on their relationship with their neices and nephews. You can't really expect to maintsin a relationship with the children of someone you are not speaking to, uless those children are adults.

In your position, no bloody way would I be facilitating a relationship between your children and the estranged relatives. In your husband's position, I'd be wondering why my wife doesn't have my back on this.

Original poster
HollyhockDays · 18/08/2025 14:23

Kids are not little they are older teens. DH doesn’t care if we meet up. We’ve only seen them once without him although DS did help with the final cleanup of his mums house recently.

OP posts:
EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 18/08/2025 14:24

You’ve been dragged into something because of the children but aside from that I’d say it’s none of your business. I know that’s really hard because it’s obvious you want to smooth things over however you have no idea how deep the cuts are from childhood. A lot of the damage is often done then and any further wounds in adult hood just compound the issue and sometimes there is no way back.

speakball · 18/08/2025 14:24

It’s sad when a family member chooses not to have a relationship with another. We may not understand. We may feel differently and it seems that you appreciate the different histories we all have. Estrangement isn’t and never has been unusual because parents are humans and screw up too badly sometimes. What your dh will need right now is an ally for his feelings. He’s probably been chided into maintaining an appearance for decades already. How would he feel about talking about it with a counsellor?

harriethoyle · 18/08/2025 14:27

I think you are playing a very dangerous game facilitating contact between DH children and DH siblings with whom he has chosen to go NC. You are very fortunate to not understand why someone might cut their siblings off. Don’t undermine your husband’s decisions about his family by facilitating contact with them.

Original poster
HollyhockDays · 18/08/2025 14:29

harriethoyle · 18/08/2025 14:27

I think you are playing a very dangerous game facilitating contact between DH children and DH siblings with whom he has chosen to go NC. You are very fortunate to not understand why someone might cut their siblings off. Don’t undermine your husband’s decisions about his family by facilitating contact with them.

He doesn’t mind. He didn’t care we met up with them.

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 18/08/2025 14:31

Take it from me @HollyhockDays as someone who is estranged from a sibling, he WILL care. He’s just not picking that fight with you - at the moment. This will lead to huge resentment.

Richiline · 18/08/2025 14:33

Being one of three creates a strange dynamic. Without a lot of effort to prevent it, one can be left out. It's different when there's two of you. You only have each other.

Arguments about money; so one sibling tried to cheat another out if money? It isn't about the actual money. It's about the behaviour. That they thought they'd behave like that and get away with it.

Poor treatment is again pretty difficult to forgive.

If there's no apologies, it's hard to forgive.

Who do you think is at fault?

BoundaryGirl3939 · 18/08/2025 14:35

Sometimes someone might not appear to be the scapegoat outside the family but they very much are. Its so covert, and they manage to assisinate your character without you knowing. They also trigger reactions by undermining you and gaslighting. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, honestly.

Their behaviour of wanting to keep in with the teens is very undermining. Perhaps your husband isn't causing a fuss as his confidence is shattered. I would feel very betrayed by you if you were my spouse. Joining in on the gang up.

Lengokengo · 18/08/2025 14:35

You. Cannot project your own sibling relationship into your husband. My mother and 3 of her siblings cut off relationship with another sibling after a death. All to do with money/ perceived (and actual) wrongs. It was all a mess. they had been close before. This all lasted 25 years until the siblings death.

Thing is, I don’t think any of then regretted it at all from either side.

so leave well alone and let your DH have whatever relationship he chooses with his siblings.

OneNeatBlueOrca · 18/08/2025 14:38

HollyhockDays · 18/08/2025 13:47

Following their mums death DH has fallen out with his siblings. It’s a very long story - some of it was over money, some of it was over how DH felt he was treated. One sibling was on his “side” but then switched sides.

DH has not spoken to either of them for about 18 months. He says he doesn’t miss them.

His siblings don’t have kids and are keen to maintain a relationship with our kids so I try to facilitate that.

His anger and bitterness towards his brother is still very, very raw.

I just can’t accept that he’s prepared to cut them off. I assumed it would all smooth over eventually. I’m not really sure why I’m even posting!!

I could have said the same as your DH.

Ive cut my family off since our mothers death. Its been nearly 18 months. I dont miss it. I dont miss the drama and histrionics.

Im not going into it. It's irrelevant. My partner is 100% supportive of my decisions and indeed doesnt want me to reconcile as he saw what the relationship and fall out did to me.

Support his decisions. Its not of your business.

Nanny0gg · 18/08/2025 14:41

HollyhockDays · 18/08/2025 14:08

I don’t think he was the family scapegoat. Their parents were a bit hands off.

I guess I find it hard because I love my sister and would be heartbroken to not have her in my life. I also feel for our kids that they don’t have an extended family to support them.

I think everyone could have behaved better over his mums death and the subsequent fall out. So while I think DH has some grounds to be annoyed he probably took it too far.

Are you facilitating contact between them and your children?

Because you shouldn't be.

And his family aren't the same as your family

TryAgainSally · 18/08/2025 14:51

I guess I find it hard because I love my sister and would be heartbroken to not have her in my life. I also feel for our kids that they don’t have an extended family to support them.

Its not about you though, and he hasn't fallen out with your sister. Your children are older teens, so more than capable of maintaining their own relationship, and you've said he isn't preventing that.

You need to stop projecting your own sibling relationships and feelings here and leave him to make his own decisions.

Original poster
HollyhockDays · 18/08/2025 14:52

Richiline · 18/08/2025 14:33

Being one of three creates a strange dynamic. Without a lot of effort to prevent it, one can be left out. It's different when there's two of you. You only have each other.

Arguments about money; so one sibling tried to cheat another out if money? It isn't about the actual money. It's about the behaviour. That they thought they'd behave like that and get away with it.

Poor treatment is again pretty difficult to forgive.

If there's no apologies, it's hard to forgive.

Who do you think is at fault?

I agree three is a poor dynamic. He’s the oldest but his brother wants to be “in charge”. The youngest one is viewed as a “baby” who cannot take good decisions.

And you’re also right, it’s not about the money itself, it’s about the way DH feels he was treated.

I can’t say who is at fault. Everyone could have behaved better / differently.

OP posts:
Richiline · 18/08/2025 15:11

It's probably more a case of he's let things go, bitten his tongue, tolerated it over and over and he's got to a point where he can't any more. Why not ask him if he minds you and the dc keeping in touch? I would respect his decision, sad though it is. If his brother isn't willing to make any amends he's still going to feel hurt. He's probably just reached the end of his tether.

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