DH has fallen out with his siblings

[HollyhockDays]

Following their mums death DH has fallen out with his siblings. It’s a very long story - some of it was over money, some of it was over how DH felt he was treated. One sibling was on his “side” but then switched sides.

DH has not spoken to either of them for about 18 months. He says he doesn’t miss them.

His siblings don’t have kids and are keen to maintain a relationship with our kids so I try to facilitate that.

His anger and bitterness towards his brother is still very, very raw.

I just can’t accept that he’s prepared to cut them off. I assumed it would all smooth over eventually. I’m not really sure why I’m even posting!!

I think you’re right to keep the relationship going and I don’t see why the kids should be punished for the adults all behaving poorly, and I think it is very responsible of all of you to maintain that relationship for them.

however if he asks the kids to cut contact, or for you to, then you all need to decide and discuss. Hurt feelings go a long way to unreasonable behaviour. And quite frankly wills bring out the worst in people. Keep going as you are, let him make his own decisions, and hopefully they all come to their senses soon enough.

@harriethoyle was just gonna say the exact same about cross-posting.

Totally agree with you.

Baffled by @HollyhockDays stance tbh.

Agree totally,OP is bang out of order.

These are all interesting viewpoints and have genuinely given me food for thought.

My two uncles fell out over money and didn’t speak ever again. But their wives did, the cousins did, family gatherings carried on with them all attending ( four siblings in all). So, they found a way through that didn’t affect the extended family.

I can see it’s slightly tougher with two versus one. But could it be that your DH isn’t objecting with you keeping contact because he’d like an eventual way back?

I don’t agree with those who say you have to cut everyone off too; I’d try and keep it pleasant, keep OH informed and hope that time will heal these wounds.

My Dh is in the same boat. Hasn't spoken to his one and only sibling since his parents died.
It's been about 4 years now. She has made an attempt to contact him but he was having none of it.
I used to worry that he would regret it if something were to happen her. I also worried that my children would be missing out on a relationship with their only relative on my dh's side. I've come to realise that it would be so toxic and stressful if they were communicating, that it is probably for the best.
The anger towards her seems to have subsided a bit, but there is no desire to reconcile.

I agree.

It's unfortunate that the one who can't/won't see it is the one who needs to see it before further damage is done. Whether the OP's DH behaved like a dick at times or not, my sympathy lies with him.

Because I can see there were times in the whole process where he was a dick and acted like a dick. I'd never tell the siblings that, but there were times when he went too far.

You are telling them that though.

He's saying "You've gone too far, I'm done with you" and by staying in contact you are saying "He's wrong and I don't support him".

Actions speak far, far louder than words in these situations.

You need to your DH and listen to him without comparing it to your relationship with your sister. It's not the same so the reactions, feelings and outcomes are not the same.

What did his sibling do that's left him angry and bitter? How often has that happened before? How often has he had to be the one to bite his tongue for his mother's sake, or at her behest before?

I can and will never have the type of blind faith and loyalty to my DH as suggested by @harriethoyle and others. It’s anathema to me. I was a whole person before I met my DH. Marriage to him didn’t require me to leave my values and principles behind, or render me incapable making my own judgements, or require me to set that judgement aside if I know him to be in the wrong. Who would benefit from that? I would feel pathetic. If I’ve been a dick, I’d hope my DH would tell me. He would think the same. We rely on each other to do so, in fact.

OP’s DH doesn’t care about the DC visiting his siblings. Most mature adults try to keep their children out of adult disputes, and are quite capable of having faith that their siblings - with whom they are in strong disagreement - would be nothing but good and decent to their children. I know this as one of my cousins is closer to me than my own siblings and yet our dads haven’t spoken in over 25 years. Neither of us know what went on, but I doted on my uncle and he and his family on me, and my dad did actually entrust his no-contact brother with my life once (not really - I ended up in hospital as a teenager when my DPs were abroad, it so happened my unclue was still NOK and my parents were fully confident he’d make the right decisions for me, and he did). It’s not difficult.

As for you, OP: in your shoes I’d be telling my DH what I thought of the situation and quietly advocate for a rapprochement over time. It sounds like he’s not ready for that yet, but give it time. It may never happen, and ultimately it’s not your choice and you can’t force him. But bitterness and grudges can last a lifetime and ultimately they’re just wasted energy. You can only sit on the sidelines and watch, sadly. Agreeing to disagree when siblings have different childhoods is a pretty decent outcome.

Please don't let your kids be the ones who suffer because of family grievances

My family disintegrated after my grandparents died (we were previously very close). My DH had previously had personal relationships with those involved but absolutely supported me and cut contact. I would have been very upset if he hadn't.

Not everyone has a close bond with siblings. I don't, I've no intention of cutting them off but I imagine some people would hurt a lot more than me to lose touch with a sibling, some would hurt less. It's your DH's decision, you don't feel what he feels, you weren't there during his childhood, just because cutting a sibling of seems unfathomable to you doesn't mean it is for everyone.

I have spent a lifetime being kind to toxic family members, and taking blame when I wasn't to blame. I have been an emotional punching bag. I made my hurts very reasonably known to the main perpetrator a few months ago. He became abusive. My mother subtly took his side. I was painted as a dick by the whole family. I realised I'd had enough and that I'd been wasting energy my whole adult life by trying to reason with people and by looking for validation. People are allowed to walk away, and many times its the safest thing to do. Sometimes its not until we reach adulthood that we have the understanding and means to do so.

Wow, this is amazingly unsupportive. Because you have a good relationship with your sister you are undermining your husband's decisions about his own family?

I think you should accept it's his family.

Your children are old enough to decide who they wish to meet.

People who have been brought up in normal dynamics just dont get it.

The only way to deal sometimes is to cut contact for your own sanity.

I can’t believe you are still facilitating relationships with your DH family.

I Would find that difficult to get past.

How exactly are the kids suffering? These are people they saw max 2-3 times a year at best.

They aren't relatives that they have close relationships with.

Where did I say that? Prior to the fall out we saw them all the time. Weekly at least.

You are hurting the man you purport to love for your own reasons ie your relationship with your sister. But this is not your family, this is his and he’s had enough.

Well meaning people who call such familial dysfunction and grudges absolutely minimise the experience of the person who chooses to go no contact and it’s unacceptable. Just because you cannot see it does not mean that it is not there.

His siblings saw and still see you as the weak link because you as his wife can be easily manipulated. They’re civil or otherwise nice to your face and are probably nice to the kids but because your h is the scapegoat here, you people as his family get scapegoated as well. You’re being played for the fool here and they are laughing at you and your H. You’re the lesser beings compared to them and they will inform you so too.