Why do they bring him up every single day?

[CantWaitForOctober]

My two sons haven’t seen their father for a couple of years now, however they bring him up every single day (sometimes multiple times a day.) I’ve noticed they’ve started doing it more recently. I have asked them if they want to see him as they keep bringing him up but they have both told me that they don’t want to (it would be completely fine if they did which they know) does anyone have experience of this? Why would they bring him up every day if they don’t want to see him? I had an absent father growing up and he was almost never mentioned. Or is this normal? It is not a problem I’m just curious about why this might be or if they miss him why they are saying they don’t want to see him?

Does their father want to see them?

Rather than them wanting to see him, they probably desperately want their father to want to see them.

This is a difficult thing for them to deal and they probably have a lot of emotions around it despite their bravado. Feelings of rejection, being unlovable and unworthy are very usual when a parent makes no effort with them.

Because parental abandonment/estrangement is one of the most difficult things for children to deal with and bringing him up every day is them trying process it. They are looking to you to help them do this. They probably need professional support to help them TBH, but I appreciate that is often not easy to access.

Well he hasn’t been in contact so I can’t answer that.

How old are they?

13 and 11

The DC will feel abandoned and carry their father’s absence with them their whole lives. They discuss it because they can’t understand it. If you’re able to facilitate contact - even if it’s just you telling him they’re asking about him which may prompt some action from him it would be a start.

They are adamant they don’t want contact with him I’ve asked 3 times

Of course they are because they're probably hurt beyond belief.

They need to hear that their father wants to see them.

In what context do they bring him up every day? Just at random or linked to certain thoughts/activities?

It sounds like they need some support to process their father's absence and are looking to you to provide it.

How do you usually respond?

Well he hasn’t been in contact so I wouldn’t go behind their back hence asking if they want me to contact him.

They just usually make a joke about him, not asking questions it’s actually usually just making fun of him but this could be multiple times a day. I usually just agree with what they say.

Because they are at that age when a dad (or some sort of father figure) becomes hugely important. My DH passed away when my kids were 4 and 6 and I think they coped quite well, until preadolescence. Then wow did I need a man to help guide my son! There wasn’t anyone to be honest, and he did seem to attach himself to a couple male teachers and of course got hurt by that as they couldn’t give what he needed.
They are trying to figure out what it means to be male. Is there anyone (uncle, grandfather, good friend) who may take this role on?

That makes sense. sadly my father died a couple of years ago and I don’t have male friends. They’ve had a few male teachers.

My son was abandoned by his father at 8 years old (and I was seriously ill with cancer). There has been no contact for 5 years. It has been horrendous for my child, the rejection, the questioning himself, his worth. He’s had a lot of counselling and that helped a lot. Occasionally he will talk about him and that might span a few days but then the memory is compartmentalised until the next time. I don’t stop the talking, it needs to come out but I am honest about his father’s failings as a human being as the fault is entirely his and I don’t want my son to ever feel he has to take blame. It’s a really difficult and complicated situation. Fortunately, my son has no desire to see his father and will not seek him out but I know that it’s going to be a lifelong issue for him. All you can do is support and listen. I fucking hate men who do this. It’s nothing short of abuse.

He’s a big presence in their lives, even in his absence. That isn’t unusual.

They are so lucky to have each other, that they can talk about it and process it together.

It’s really healthy.

When was the last time their dad was in contact? What happened?
It wouldn’t be going behind their back to facilitate some contact and relationship with their father. As long as he’s not abusive and would want a relationship with them.

Presumably he doesn't want a relationship with them though, given that he doesn't even attempt contact. And in that case I wouldn't try to facilitate a relationship with him, because he's likely to just keep on hurting them and letting them down. I think I'd be honest about it being his fault though, not theirs, not yours.

2 years ago, he just stopped coming to visit them and kept making excuses as to why he couldn’t. I wouldn’t message him without telling them, I do think that would be sneaky personally.

They know, he use to have their numbers would promise to take them out then not show up with no explanation, or cancel the night before at 1/2am.

Are there any activities they could do locally, like scouts or the gym or boxing or something like that, where there are men in charge? Do they like sport?

The issue is that they would want him to want to see them. Imagine if you told them that you’re getting in touch with him then the response was he didn’t want to see them. That is pretty hurtful and harmful.
It’s a very sad situation but sounds like their dad can’t be bothered.

No unfortunately they are not.

Its not a black and white issue. Just let them talk about it. They are trying to work out how they feel snd they have little information to go on. And no way of evaluating it. And zero control. Give them more information. More sources for information (if reliable). More ways of thinking about it rather than (naturally) blaming themselves or you.