Why do they bring him up every single day?

[CantWaitForOctober]

My two sons haven’t seen their father for a couple of years now, however they bring him up every single day (sometimes multiple times a day.) I’ve noticed they’ve started doing it more recently. I have asked them if they want to see him as they keep bringing him up but they have both told me that they don’t want to (it would be completely fine if they did which they know) does anyone have experience of this? Why would they bring him up every day if they don’t want to see him? I had an absent father growing up and he was almost never mentioned. Or is this normal? It is not a problem I’m just curious about why this might be or if they miss him why they are saying they don’t want to see him?

They are presumably hurt and angry and the reason they keep saying no to contact is they don’t want to be the ones to instigate it and face rejection again.
They want him to contact them.
The only thing you can do is keep talking to them, it is healthy they feel ok to talk about it with you. They must be so confused.

Where the hell do you live that's there's no groups for the kids at all?

as others have said, they're processing that their Dad doesn't want to see them, even if they don't want to see him, they want to be wanted!!

You are their safe place you need to have patience with this (even though it's annoying you) they're processing his abandonment & making fun of him to try to convince themselves (against what they feel) that's it's not down to them.

just keep being there for them & try to get someone they can talk to (through school/GP/ counselling online)

Sorry I didn’t say there were no groups? just that they are not into sports.. which is what most clubs are aimed at for boys their age, they won’t go to clubs anymore as neither likes football which is what they found they were mainly based even the ones that claimed to do other activities

Do you talk about how you met with them and go through old holiday photos? They might appreciate some connection with him that they know they had.

I think it's quite common for boys of that age to idolise absent fathers. Seeing him again brings them back down to reality, which is probably why they don't want to actually see him. Simply talking about how great he is allows the fantasy of their "amazing dad" to continue.

Do they have any other male role models in their lives, OP?

My dad until he passed away 2 years ago. Other than that they’ve had a few male teachers.

They have a few from when they were younger. I don’t have any of us together.

They'd do.
Ask if they want them in a frame in their room perhaps.

I should add we’ve been split up for 10 years so they won’t have any memory of us together in any way. He’s been in and out the entire 10 years and often went a year or more without seeing them, this has been the longest time.

My DCs’ dad moved abroad when they were all teens. He stayed in contact so I know it’s not the same, but my DCs would joke about him popping out for milk and taking 5 years to come back etc. I know they missed him and (and he missed them) but joking about being abandoned etc is how they dealt with their understandable big feelings about it.

It was galling when they took me for granted for being the one who stayed, and seemed to idolise him, but I never badmouth him and always ‘big up’ the things he does for them. Just be a safe space for them to talk about their feelings. Mine found it weird to see photos of me and their dad together, as it’s not how they know us, but they appreciate that I’m not judgemental about the choices he made.

Tbh they aren’t idolising him I don’t think, they make fun of him. The last time he was here he fell asleep on the sofa so they laugh at that, it was my 11 year olds birthday and he had some cake but all the crumbs were in his beard and they make fun of him about it, stuff like that.

Because they are on the cusp of adolescence - moving from being children towards becoming men, and their central role model has abandoned them. He'll be on their minds, even if they are not aware why. Maybe in secondary school there are people talking about their dads. Or other male role models.

Have you found some good, strong male role models in your community who can guide them a bit - Sports trainers or Scouts or Youth Club leaders, church youth leaders or youth theatre or music group tutors - any man who is strong and respectful and kind, who is able to express and control their emotions, their opinions and their strength with consideration for others and self-compassion, and who models healthy socialisation, self-discipline and self-care.

Maybe ask them why they are talking about him, let them know they can be open with how they are feeling (you may have already done this). Its a really rough situation for you and must be hard to navigate x

It sounds like they want to know more about him, they’re going over and over the few things they know about him.

I think you should start throwing them a bone and tell them a bit more about him, good or neutral things only if possible, eg your dad played the drums when I met him, your dad always hated it when it was foggy. Anything. They know they are 50% from this guy and if they devalue him they are devaluing half of themselves.

Yes other kids have questioned them about their father. My youngest said he was asked why his father doesn’t pick him up or come to sports day. When I ask them they just say because it’s funny.

Difficult

'I wouldn’t message him without telling them, I do think that would be sneaky personally'

I don't think it is sneaky, it's testing the water. See if he would want contact and take it from there.

As others have said they are kids they of course say they don't want to see him as a subconscious self preservation but if you said he was calling to take them out I bet they'd be keen.

Not so sure about that they were very hurt the last time they saw him as he kept making plans to see them and not showing up so I’m not sure they’d trust him now

I also wouldn’t want to bring him back into their lives to just do the same thing as I’m sure they will blame me.

My girls’ Dad hasn’t seen them for over 3 years. Before that he was in and out of their lives. They talk about him often, sometimes expressing regret that he’s been such a useless Dad, other times joking about him or reminiscing about time they spent with him. I’m happy to talk to them about him and often give them information about his side of the family. It’s a loss for them which I can barely imagine. I think it’s perfectly natural for them to wish he wanted to be in their lives and to keep their memories of him alive. It’s such a terribly sad situation and unfortunately all you (and I) can do is support them without bitterness. Not sure I always manage that but they know they can speak freely without getting angry or upset.

I don’t think contacting him would be going behind their back. It would be being an adult on their behalf… ie you could ask him if he has any plans to contact them at least?

Clearly we don’t know the back story but agree with PPs saying they want HIM to want to see them, and him to initiate it

This.

As they get older it probably becomes more unfathomable

And how do I make sure he is t going to mess them around again? I don’t mind if they want contact but I’d be potentially bringing him back in to disappear again as he has done for the past 10 years. I think that’s what why are wary about, he’s never stuck to any contact.

I don’t mind them talking about him at all it’s more the daily mentioning sometimes several times a day.

https://winstonswish.org/ - I wonder if you could contact this charity for advice? They have a helpline and some issues are similar (I am not trying to belittle actual bereavement of children but hopefully you get my point).