Why do they bring him up every single day?

[CantWaitForOctober]

My two sons haven’t seen their father for a couple of years now, however they bring him up every single day (sometimes multiple times a day.) I’ve noticed they’ve started doing it more recently. I have asked them if they want to see him as they keep bringing him up but they have both told me that they don’t want to (it would be completely fine if they did which they know) does anyone have experience of this? Why would they bring him up every day if they don’t want to see him? I had an absent father growing up and he was almost never mentioned. Or is this normal? It is not a problem I’m just curious about why this might be or if they miss him why they are saying they don’t want to see him?

A whole 3 times? Well, that’s settled then.

How many times should I ask them!? I don’t want to be forceful what’s your suggestion 100? 1000? 🙄

Maybe I should bring him up every day and ask if they changed their mind 🙄 not sure other parents do that? He is the one that stopped bothering to see them. I asked because they kept bringing him up but they told me under no circumstances do they want to see him so I should keep checking daily? Weekly? He would only see them at my house anyway and I had to put a stop to that, once he wasn’t allowed in my house anymore he suddenly didn’t want to come down anymore and kept cancelling or not showing up.

A lot more than 3? This is their father we’re talking about.

I asked them 3 times in the last couple of months as that’s how long it’s been since they’ve brought him up daily. I didn’t ask before that. as HE cut contact with them so why would I ask if they want to see someone that cut contact with them?

Stop it! This is a woman trying to undeserved how best to raise her kids when their father has fucked off without a backward glance

She didn't make situation and can't fix it

If you can't offer support why bother getting your daft kicks in?

I think your tone is quite immature. You are the adult here. You need to instigate some sort of contact with their father on their behalf to at least give their relationship with their father a chance.

Wow I’m immature? Isn’t that down to their father? Unbelievable. My kids are teens I don’t want to ruin MY relationship with them by going behind their back and contacting him when they’ve told me they don’t want me to what if he comes back and sees them a few times and goes again like he has always done? He’s had many chances.

I want to be sure this is what they want and that they are aware that he is unlikely to ever be a consistent figure in their lives if he comes back he is likely to be the same as he has been for the last 10 YEARS, not sure how that’s “immature”.

This is wise. If he was interested he'd make the effort.

I regret not putting a stop to my ex yo-yoing in and out of our girls lives. My gut told me to stop it, but everyone was on my case "one more chance". Eventually the girls themselves said enough was enough.

They went through periods of talking about him a lot. Then he wouldn't be mentioned for months then all of a sudden it would be constant again for a while, then back to silence.

I'm really surprised by all the responses saying you should keep chasing your ex and try to persuade him to agree to see your kids. I don't think that's going to help them at all. He's not interested, it sounds like they know he's not interested, begging him to come back is just going to hurt them further. You're doing the right thing leaving him to it.

No she doesn't. The father who fucked off needs to instigate any contact

The fact he fucked off the moment he couldn't use the OP's house for contact and only ever saw them there shows he had zero actual interest in the children anyway.

The OP is their stability. She absolutely shouldn't be the one instigating any disruption to their lives.

Thank you I’m still sitting here shocked to be called immature. This is the same man that didn’t contact them on Xmas, their birthday for 2 years, promised to come down on one’s birthday then didn’t turn up didn’t explain or apologise just left it to me, kept repeatedly making plans to see them them not turning up, or cancelling at 2am the night before leaving them upset and confused waking up excited only to find a text saying he isn’t coming anymore. I’d reach out if they want me to but they’ve said not to so don’t want to go behind their back or they can have his number (I stopped direct contact with him because it was causing distress)

I had to stop him coming to the house as he was falling asleep on the sofa and not interacting with them. I told him he needs to start taking them out, he took them out once to the park next to the house and then returned them after 45 minutes (this was after not seeing them for several weeks so I thought he’d want to spend more time with them)

Do they think if they said they wanted to see him it would make you unhappy? Telling you what they think you want to hear?
Kids are quite astute, they can work out when a subject isn't really up for discussion, even if technically it is.

I don’t think so I would like them to see him if has changed I just don’t want to invite him back for the same thing to happen so I have to be cautious

Have you asked them if they feel sad or confused about not seeing him?

It must be tough on them.

My kids don’t have a completely absent father, but they do have a shit one, so we have some similar big conversations.

Two things I might try are:

If they’re joking about him I might say something like “Sometimes I think that I subconsciously joke about things which upset me, to protect myself a bit from them. I wonder if you ever feel like that when you’re joking about dad”

And, if they’re saying something critical about him I might say something like “I think that the two of you could be brilliant dads one day. What would you do differently and what would you do the same as our family?”

I feel like the answers to both those questions could be quite helpful for the kids if they thought about them.

Id also second pp recommendations for a good therapist and working out a way to find a good male role model for them.

I Used to joke about my dad with my DM because it was obvious she liked it and it was a way of dealing with feelings of abandonment. If I were in your situation I definitely wouldn’t try to make him contact them, it just raises hopes that this time he’ll be the great Dad they want when chances are he’ll let them down again so I think you’re doing the right thing. If I’d had a Mum who showed she cared about me, it would’ve made things a lot easier to deal with.

Dare I bring up the subject of counselling for them , abandonment can cause all sorts of issues, even if your boys seem to be handling it well at the moment.

This is a really shitty thing to say. How dare you call OP who is bringing up her kids on her own “immature”. You have no idea how hard it is to be in a situation like this and no she doesn’t have to instigate contact with a waste of oxygen who has repeatedly failed them. Why would you continue to put them through something like that? What is wrong with you?

They are children. You need to take action on their behalf.

Call him, ask him wtf is going on and that his kids miss him. All you can do advocate for them, you can’t force him to be a good father but you can ask.

if not some sort of therapy or pastoral
support to help manage their emotions on this.

Wouldn’t call Him haven’t spoken to him in 2 years and we never talk on the phone. I would email.

Thank you