What would you do?

[Hoolah29]

I’ve recently found on that the guy I’ve been chatting to has a long term girlfriend.

I had arranged to meet up with him next week. Obviously, I’m not going to go.

I have not told him that I know he has a girlfriend or that I wont be going next week. He thinks all is fine I also know who his girlfriend is, although I don’t know her personally.

What would you do in this situation? Would you confront him/tell her/just move on/or something else?

After I found out on Friday, I sent him a follow request on Instagram.

I guess it was a kind of test to be sure, to see if he would accept it because then I would know. . Of course he ignored the request which told me what I needed to know.

I think off the back of that he might suspect that I know something now because that follow request came out out of the blue from me.

Either way, he’s probably not sure what to do because he would have to explain to me why he didn’t accept the follow request & really there is only one explanation for that

Thank you for this. It’s been really helpful. I had thought that perhaps he was some sort of open type relationship, in fact every situation has crossed my mind.

I wanted to make sure I had all my facts straight before I did anything as well. I guess it’s difficult to know for sure other than what I’ve seen & what he’s told me.

But I guess deep down I know that he is in a relationship and has/is cheating.

Yes , this is exactly what i would do too 👌

Some men like to message OW for the ego boost / boredom/ selfishness etc. A lot of these don’t intend to meet up even though they pretend to want to or if they do they ghost afterwards because the reality of keeping the charade isn’t worth it I.e. having you on instagram/ taking you to his home etc would have his lies coming back to bite him.

However there is a good chance he has done this before and may. even have multiple women on the go. He likely also gaslights his gf if she questions who he’s messaging / where he’s been etc. She probably doesn’t have enough information to end the relationship because she has doubted her instincts. It’s hard to end a relationship without hard evidence.

I would tell her. Be factual and give evidence. I would also offer to continue plans to meet him if she needs to know whether he would go through it. She can then show up and know for sure that he was intending to physically cheat. Women need to look out for each other. If she didn’t want to know she won’t respond.

How did you see the pics , is he on Facebook ? Or just insta ?
I’d tell him that you’ve seen the pics and know he has a long term girlfriend and that you have thought about letting her know, that will put him in his place , want a rat he is. Poor unsuspecting girlfriend , what made you go checking if that was the case ?

I saw pics on his FB from years ago with a woman but nothing on there recently. As he told me he was single, I presumed it was an old relationship. Then last week someone tagged him into pics on Instagram with the same woman. They’re clearly still together.

The thing is, I don’t follow him on instagram, he obviously didn’t want me to so i had a nagging feeling about him so I created a burner account, he accepted follow request & that’s how I saw them.
Therefore, itll be hard for me to explain how I saw the pics.

Yes. Do this. And then you can leave them to it.

I would do this but we hadn’t finalised the time we were meeting so I’d have to contact him to arrange that first 😩

I’d just tell him that you’ve been shown them from someone who must know him. I’d definitely pull him up on it and see what he reply is, it’s what he deserves after trying to mislead you, txt him that you’ve seen them and see how long he takes to think of an excuse before he replies. Be an interesting read ha I’d make him squirm.

I’ve been trying to think of a way to tell him I have seen the pics without implicating myself.

We don’t know any of the same people so it’s difficult to create a link 😵‍💫 but without telling him I’ve seen the pics, he would just deny it.

I don’t think you need a valid reason to tell him how or why, just that you’ve seen them and I’d also ask if that was the reason he didn’t add you on insta.

I know. You’re right. I can’t believe that I am worried about how I will look when it is him that is in the wrong! ☹️

I knew when he didn’t accept my follow request on Instagram that there was something shady going on. I am just glad that I did that before I had met up with him otherwise I’d still be in the dark.

You've done nothing wrong. He has chased you and lied to you. You don't need to give any excuse or reason, or even answer how you know he is a cheat.

Personally, I would tell the gf. It may be easier for her to know at this early stage (where you've not dated or had sex) . Although there's going to be previous, I'm sure. You could save her from having a baby with him.

He is actively looking for another woman and imo lying to someone means they are not giving full consent if they have sex with them.

The gf needs to know.

Thank you for your advice.

I feel quite sick at the thought of telling his girlfriend. I really hate being in this situation. I feel completely torn.

I know it is the right thing to do morally and I know from past experience that I would want to be told, but it is still devastating for her either way ☹️

Contact the gf. Ask if they’re still together and if they are explain the situation. Give her the option - if she wants you can contact him to arrange meeting up, and let her turn up.

That’s what I hope someone would do for me.

Thank you. We were supposed to meet this week so it doesn’t give me much time.
I actually feel sick about it ☹️

Don’t overthink it. You know what’s right, just do it. Good luck x

How about a factual message along the lines of:

Hi. You don't know me but I used to date Fred years ago. He contacted me recently, unexpectedly, telling me he was single and we've been sending messages, flirting and we were arranging to meet up for a date on Friday..

I've only just discovered he is actually not single and is with you, and I'm not going to contact him or speak to him again.

He has lied to me and I'm sure he will to you, if you confront him. It's up to you what you do with this information and I'm only telling you as I think you have a right to know.

I won't bother you again, but you are welcome to contact me if you have any questions.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Thank you. This sounds like a good message.

I’ve never actually dated him though. We’ve just been planning on meeting up and texting a lot etc.

I keep talking myself out of it by thinking it’s only texting (I know it’s not!) I don’t want to potentially ruin her life over texts and a date that never happened.

Block and move on.

tell the girlfriend. Make sure it’s defo girlfriends first tho not friend sister niece etc. then block and ghost

I keep doubting myself and thinking I may have got the wrong end of the stick.

They have definitely been in a relationship as I could tell that from the old Facebook photos and the comments made on the photos. The latest photos I have seen on Instagram though they’re holding hands and hugging etc so I don’t think there is any doubt that they are still together.

I just don’t want to contact her and then be completely wrong, but I’m sure I’m not.

So have he not contacted you since you tried to add him on insta or given you an explanation?

No he hasn’t. He can’t really contact me without an explanation can he, so he may just fade away now.

At this point you just need to make a call of what feels right to you.
I'd never tell him first though, if he is being unfaithful this just gives him time to plant the seeds to cover himself.
You either say nothing, block and move on. Or politely say to the girlfriend and go from there.
Once you decide and do whatever it is, you'll feel less sick about it.
She'll either believe you or won't, but that's her choice.

I remember when I started online dating. I was separated (10 months) but still living with my ex. I knew he was on dating sites as I'd seen him, but wasn't going to say I was.
During swiping I saw one of his friends who was partnered up. I freaked out. But messaged her saying a friend had been online dating and I'd seen her partner on there and wanted to reach out and say.
I didn't want to admit it was my profile that had been swiping 😬.
She politely responded saying thanks for getting in touch, but they are actually in an open set up, they just don't tell people.

I think people only snap back if they don't want to believe what they are being told as its easier getting annoyed and blaming the person than looking for the truth. If they aren't a thing or it's open then she'll be chilled about it.

I appear to message a lot of people about possible cheating it seems!