What would you do?

[Hoolah29]

I’ve recently found on that the guy I’ve been chatting to has a long term girlfriend.

I had arranged to meet up with him next week. Obviously, I’m not going to go.

I have not told him that I know he has a girlfriend or that I wont be going next week. He thinks all is fine I also know who his girlfriend is, although I don’t know her personally.

What would you do in this situation? Would you confront him/tell her/just move on/or something else?

Contact her,give her the details of the meet and let him turn up to face her.

I honestly wouldn’t have the guts to do that. I wish I could 🫣

They might not welcome it - but it's for them to handle/deal with/act on the information as they see fit. Some people choose to put their heads in the sand, forgive the indiscretion (and the ones that inevitably follow) - they just don't want to know. But not only will your conscience will be clear for ending the duplicating relationship, you will have given them the truth - which is a powerful and decent thing to do. Lies hurt more and do more damage than the truth ever could.

Thank you so much for this. It’s really helped put things in perspective.

You’re right. All I can do is give her the information and then it’s up to her what she does with it.

This also crossed my mind too! 😬

No problem at all - I think it's great that you're so thoughtful. I'm also so sorry that he's done the dirty on you both - I hope someone much better is just around the corner for you.

I would tell her but then it’s easier said than done

Brilliant idea.

Thank you. I’m feeling surprisingly okay about it.

Although I don’t think that would’ve been the case if I had of met up with him and then found out! Xx

Yes it would be a very difficult thing to do.

I don’t like confrontation at the best of times & so no idea how I’d even begin to break this sort of news to someone.

I'd tell her, solely because I'd want to be told and wish people I knew had said to me.
I think you have to be very straight about it and offer the knowledge and leave it up to her if she wants to ask any questions.
I wouldn't tell him, you owe him nothing.

I told the wife of someone I was having sex with after I found out he wasn't separated at all. She asked a few questions and that was it. I don't know if they are still together but I know I wasn't the first person he'd been spending time with "post separation".

Thank you for this.

I think it’s because I don’t know her at all and so she has no reason to trust me or believe what I tell her.

I have also deleted virtually all his messages now and so if she’s wanting any hard proof then it will be difficult although I do still have some of his messages clearly flirting/ asking to see me.

I know this isn’t really the point and it’s up to her if she doesn’t believe me. I think I am just scared of what might happen.

I’d want to know, so I would tell her. I wouldn’t tell him though. Let him arrange a meet up if you want, so that you have evidence but I’d definitely let his long term girlfriend know before she saddles herself with marriage or a baby with him.

@Hoolah29 i had no connection to her either and I felt pretty shit for the kids (they had 2). I honestly spent about a week writing and rewriting the message I intended to send.
I think she knew who I was as I have a feeling something had gone down before I reached out so I'm fairly sure she believed me.
But if you have reason to believe that he is in a relationship then you can just reach out and say that he's been seeing you and you felt it was right to tell her when you found out and that if she wants to know any more then you are happy to talk but it's up to her.

I sometimes think men get away with all this stuff and many women are in the dark because we don't call them out on it when we know.

Agree with this. Send an anonymous message if possible saying ‘just to let you know Dave has arranged to meet Sarah at X place at X time and he’s told her he’s single.

Then what she does with that information is up to her.

I think I am just talking myself out of it because really it has just been (a lot!) of messages and arranging to meet up. Nothing has actually happened in person. I know that’s not the point and cheating is still having that intention.

I just don’t want to upset anybody, I know it’s stupid ☹️

@Hoolah29 was this from a dating site, he approached you in a bar, through friends. Have the messages definitely been on a flirtatious and suggestive level?

If any of the above apply then you are not hurting anyone, he is, this is his doing not yours.
But only contact her if that's what you want to do, it's your decision.
But if you did I'd keep it to the point and short. Not emotional. And this isn't about you, how shocked/sad you are that he's in a relationship. This is "we met via x and in the past however long we have been in regular contact with the intention of meeting for a date. If you want to know anything more then I am happy for you to contact me but felt I had to tell you when I was told he was in a relationship with you".

Unfortunately you could be blowing her world apart so it's about her and what she needs.

Block and ghost.

Men who lie about being in a relationship deserve nothing when trying to cheat. Don't give him a second more of your headspace.

Yes dating website (but a long time ago) we lost touch and then he got back in touch recently and immediately started flirting and asking me to meet up with him - he has been quite relentless about it. actually.

if I do decide to contact you, I definitely won’t make it emotional. I just feel disappointed and feel a bit stupid to be honest.

He's the stupid one, not you. You went into things honestly, he was a confidence trickster. None of this is your fault, not even the tiniest little bit.

Thank you for saying that. I have had a hard year and am constantly beating myself up about things, including this! 🙁

I would message her and tell her you just found out she was his gf and that you don't want to see him ever again but you just wanted her to know what her bf is up to. Send a screenshot of his message to you. Then just Block him.

@Hoolah29 what you decide to do now is all because of him.
So it's just what you feel you want to do. It's not your fault, all his. He made the choice, if you knew and were complicit then totally different, but you weren't.

And yes, it feels awful. I look back and see all the clues that I missed. But he knew Id miss them, that's why he singled me out. He intentionally chose me to be part of it which considering he knew my marriage had ended because of my partner being unfaithful was a low blow unknowingly making me a mistress. Made me feel sick for a long time.

Oh sweetheart, please don't beat yourself up. This was unfortunate - but nothing you could have predicted and certainly nothing you contributed to. It's bloody bad luck. ❤️

I think I am just talking myself out of it because really it has just been (a lot!) of messages and arranging to meet up. Nothing has actually happened in person. I know that’s not the point and cheating is still having that intention.

He may have some kind of non-monogamous relationship with his "girlfriend" or the cheating may be an open secret (she knows but doesn't confront him) and he's telling YOU he's single not to avoid her knowing but because he knows you'd end things otherwise.

Regardless of the situation with her, he's been a total pig to you. He's wasted a lot of your time, and I doubt he's going to show up to your getaway and come clean; he's willing to risk your health and well being to get off on the basis of a lie. It'd be good to tell the gf if you can, just in case she doesn't know he's a cheat/creep, but then leave them to it. If it makes you feel too anxious or you fear retaliation, it's also OK not to tell her. Either way, don't waste any more time or energy on this arsehole.