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Original poster

Opinions needed on new dates ex and situation

69 replies

Popthetop5 · 17/08/2025 07:28

He is 41
A month out of a 16 month relationship. Known him 3 years loosely. This recent ex has a 2 year old and 3 older kids. He has only bonded with the two year old and has decided this child is going to be raised to 18 by him coparenting with his ex.
So far that looks like him seeing the child every single day and both weekends since he reached out to me. I've asked about days and routines and he said he'll have him whenever, it seems like so far this is daily at some stage they have agreed he's needed for pick ups, childcare and time together.
I've wanted to be supportive as I have children but his life revolves around this ex and he's simply always there. Even if she wants to go pick up a friend he goes round to sit on the sofa.
He's expressed alot of unresolved irritation about her too. She's messy. Lazy and wouldn't let him have an opinion. I've noticed she likes and comments on all his FB stuff. Last weekend she wanted him back but he said no chance, he's getting a key soon for his flat so he plans to take the child there. He's currently in a shared house,

When I've expressed discomfort at his ex being so heavily in his day to day life he bought me roses around. We are due to go out Friday and he said he's got to pick up the child Saturday. His mums taking him away Sunday until Wednesday. She's asked him go drive there Monday to take him out for a day. So even in a 3 day break he's involved.

He seems really keen on me but I've told him I think he's too in this situation and it feels messy. He's committed to a child thats not his and he's going to let the mum rule his every day threw fear of her taking him away. But he also voiced we would probably see everyone we know at the seaside Friday and he hasn't told everyone yet they are over, he has told his adult son about me but he's not wanting her to find out. I've told him being hidden isn't something I'll agree to beyond a few weeks. Last night we got into a heated debate because of him ranging about her and then he made an insensitive comment on my appearance which he's apologised about. He feels he's done everything to reassure me and got me flowers. But I don't think my opinions on how this dynamic doesn't look healthy is wrong.

What do you honestly think? He already thinks she will use the child as a weapon. He has no rights either. He's also a non verbal autistic child and will have complex needs most likely.

OP posts:
cheesycheesy · 17/08/2025 07:31

I wouldnt touch him unless I was desperate. He doesn’t sound very nice and has so much baggage it’s unreal.

MonkeyPuddle · 17/08/2025 07:31

Good god, walk away woman.

Mulledjuice · 17/08/2025 07:33

Run run run

Original poster
Popthetop5 · 17/08/2025 07:33

So I did say no thanks last night so I'm not desperate or clinging to hope.ni wandered if I was being insecure and selfish. I think when he said co parenting he meant a couple of times a week or the odd Saturday. Not daily support.

OP posts:
northernlight20 · 17/08/2025 07:33

Sounds disastrous op. Raise your bar and walk away. Surely, you deserve more?

Cadenza12 · 17/08/2025 07:34

When does he find time to go to work?

TwistedWonder · 17/08/2025 07:35

Why on earth would you go near a man only a month out of a relationship with more baggage than Gatwick?

Come on OP raise your standards, this has got car crash written all over it.

Original poster
Popthetop5 · 17/08/2025 07:35

Also to add i told him I am annoyed he's reached out this early into this split when they are still back and forth, he is really nice and we've had some great chats.

In your opinions should he even be co parenting him. It feels weird when her only lasted 16 months with the mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
Popthetop5 · 17/08/2025 07:37

Cadenza12 · 17/08/2025 07:34

When does he find time to go to work?

He's self employed and has a good little business so I guess he can do things around it easily. But he works alot yet straight to hers daily. He says she goes out or upstairs,

OP posts:
Original poster
Popthetop5 · 17/08/2025 07:37

TwistedWonder · 17/08/2025 07:35

Why on earth would you go near a man only a month out of a relationship with more baggage than Gatwick?

Come on OP raise your standards, this has got car crash written all over it.

I wrote further up he forgot to mention how new it was and he hid how much time he'd be around her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Popthetop5 · 17/08/2025 07:43

What are your thoughts on him co parenting this child and being attached when he's not his? Is it admirable or foolish. 16 months seems very small to affect your life for 18 years.

OP posts:
cheesycheesy · 17/08/2025 07:48

Everyone’s told you their thoughts. But you don’t want to listen

CottageGoblin · 17/08/2025 07:51

If he wants to coparent a child that’s not his, that’s really up to him.
There doesn’t seem like there’s much space for a romantic relationship here

Original poster
Popthetop5 · 17/08/2025 07:55

CottageGoblin · 17/08/2025 07:51

If he wants to coparent a child that’s not his, that’s really up to him.
There doesn’t seem like there’s much space for a romantic relationship here

Thats what I've said to him last night. I'm just reflecting on the last week or so because I've done my best to handle it maturely but its just ridiculous what he's trying to manage and do

OP posts:
Damnd · 17/08/2025 07:57

Why of all the billions of men would you want this one? He is not really available. Find a free, single chap with no baggage and make life easy on yourself

BallerinaRadio · 17/08/2025 07:58

You clearly want us all to comment on the co parenting situation and probably go in on him?
But you're ignoring what everyone is actually saying

tripleginandtonic · 17/08/2025 07:58

CottageGoblin · 17/08/2025 07:51

If he wants to coparent a child that’s not his, that’s really up to him.
There doesn’t seem like there’s much space for a romantic relationship here

This. Fair play to him if he keeps it up but I've a feeling when someone comes along who ges desperate to be in a relationship with the child will go on the backburner
Step away and stay away OP, you can't make someone behave in the way you want them to.

sandwichlover93 · 17/08/2025 07:59

This is weird and messy. You’ll be miserable if you stay.

Original poster
Popthetop5 · 17/08/2025 08:05

I would happily include the child and i understand his attachment. But they have not got any healthy boundaries or routine. Set days or a number of weekly visits makes sense. But he thinks this set up is OK if he's honest they've split but carried on hogging each other's space.

OP posts:
cheesycheesy · 17/08/2025 08:22

He’s likely going to get back with her anyway

sandwichlover93 · 17/08/2025 08:25

Popthetop5 · 17/08/2025 08:05

I would happily include the child and i understand his attachment. But they have not got any healthy boundaries or routine. Set days or a number of weekly visits makes sense. But he thinks this set up is OK if he's honest they've split but carried on hogging each other's space.

Everyone has told you it’s a no go. Not sure what else you’re looking for.

sesquipedalian · 17/08/2025 08:34

“He feels he's done everything to reassure me and got me flowers.”

Oh, so a bunch of flowers makes up for everything, does it? You’ve known this chap for three years, 16 months of which were taken up with this other relationship. If he’s only a month out, and is determined to be Dad of the year and spend a lot of time with his ex, then you are the rebound partner, letting him have his cake and eat it. Consider what you would be saying to a friend who presented you with this scenario - I think you’d tell her to run for the hills, and leave this fellow to play happy families (and more) with his maybe-ex. Run, girl - you’re better than needing to pick up someone else’s crumbs.

mirroryourlife · 17/08/2025 08:36

I guess there’s something noble in him stepping up to raise a child that isn’t his.

But the fact that he and his ex got into a relationship when the little boy was so young and he was clearly heavily involved from the start shows that they both have questionable boundaries. She’s going to cause havoc in your relationship and he sounds like a nightmare too. Walk away

Suednymph · 17/08/2025 09:24

A month ago they broke up and you and he are already together? That in itself is sheer madness. The fact he is taking on a child that is not his that he has only been around 16 months as you say to me reeks of the fact he is still wanting her back no matter what he says. You are possibly only arm candy to make her jealous. Run now and never look back. What a total shit show.

Branleuse · 17/08/2025 09:30

Nah, sounds too messy for me.
I think id just say to him that you do enjoy his company, but its clearly not the right time, and there's still unfinished business with their breakup. You cant build a relationship with someone who's still so invested in his previous one.

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