Opinions needed on new dates ex and situation

[Popthetop5]

He is 41
A month out of a 16 month relationship. Known him 3 years loosely. This recent ex has a 2 year old and 3 older kids. He has only bonded with the two year old and has decided this child is going to be raised to 18 by him coparenting with his ex.
So far that looks like him seeing the child every single day and both weekends since he reached out to me. I've asked about days and routines and he said he'll have him whenever, it seems like so far this is daily at some stage they have agreed he's needed for pick ups, childcare and time together.
I've wanted to be supportive as I have children but his life revolves around this ex and he's simply always there. Even if she wants to go pick up a friend he goes round to sit on the sofa.
He's expressed alot of unresolved irritation about her too. She's messy. Lazy and wouldn't let him have an opinion. I've noticed she likes and comments on all his FB stuff. Last weekend she wanted him back but he said no chance, he's getting a key soon for his flat so he plans to take the child there. He's currently in a shared house,

When I've expressed discomfort at his ex being so heavily in his day to day life he bought me roses around. We are due to go out Friday and he said he's got to pick up the child Saturday. His mums taking him away Sunday until Wednesday. She's asked him go drive there Monday to take him out for a day. So even in a 3 day break he's involved.

He seems really keen on me but I've told him I think he's too in this situation and it feels messy. He's committed to a child thats not his and he's going to let the mum rule his every day threw fear of her taking him away. But he also voiced we would probably see everyone we know at the seaside Friday and he hasn't told everyone yet they are over, he has told his adult son about me but he's not wanting her to find out. I've told him being hidden isn't something I'll agree to beyond a few weeks. Last night we got into a heated debate because of him ranging about her and then he made an insensitive comment on my appearance which he's apologised about. He feels he's done everything to reassure me and got me flowers. But I don't think my opinions on how this dynamic doesn't look healthy is wrong.

What do you honestly think? He already thinks she will use the child as a weapon. He has no rights either. He's also a non verbal autistic child and will have complex needs most likely.

This sounds a bit like my ex BIL, he was all “co-parenting” but actually it was just a way of continuing to abuse his ex- being round her house, never giving space; always expecting her to be at his beck and call.

You should start running like yesterday.

I have to say, his commitment to this child is actually admirable in my opinion, even if he isn't necessarily going about co-parenting in the best way.

Fair enough the child isn't his biologically - but as he has been there for the child since it was tiny, to all intents and purposes he is the dad - and I admire him for not walking away from that responsibility.

That doesn't mean he is the right choice for you OP. Certainly not right now.

He and his ex either need to get back together, or work out a proper co-parenting schedule. Spending every day together isn't workable if they aren't together.

I assume he hasn't adopted the child and doesn't have PR. Really this is what he needs to do, so that he has conçrete parental rights and his ex canr manipulate the situation (,not saying she would - but he deserves ro feel secure in his parental role, given his commitment).

But anyway, that's for him/them to work out.

I would walk away at this point OP. The situation is too febrile - there isn't space for another adult in the mix right now. If you really like him, tell him to get his shit sorted and come back to you in a year or so once the situation has settled and he has worked out a reasonable co-parenting schedule.

In the meantime though, i would remain open to dating others if you are keen to be in a relationship. As he may never be able to resolve this sufficiently to have space in his life for you, sadly. And he is right reallt, his kid needs to come first. That's not to say separated parents can't go on to hace other relationships - of course they can. But only when they have a settled schedule in place - otherwise it's not fair on anyone.

Sorry, I realise this won't be what you want to hear.

Why are you even giving this so much thought. It’s a no thank you and move on situation. Nothing else is an option.

Well the biggest part of the story here for me , lots may disagree , is that he passed a negative comment on your appearance !
That is never ever ok , that’s an asshole ..
I don’t care if he bought you what flowers are in the country ..You are barely with him, & even if you were with him for decades , it’s still not ok ..
To be honest , the fact that he still wants to bring that little boy up as his own is a very attractive quality in him , but he is too involved, it sounds like a very messy situation based on that alone , but the fact that he insulted you shows he is not a Gentleman . OP , we need kind men in our life that won’t pass nasty comments & hurt our feelings, plus where were your kids when he spoke like this to you ? Even if they were not in ear shot , he’s done it once , he will do again , Do you want your children to hear their mom that they love being spoken to like that ? .. I’m guessing no …
I also am single , but I will not settle, I’d rather be on my own ..
If you stay with this man .. You are settling..
Do not settle OP x

99.9% they will get back together within a few weeks and the only person hurt will be you.

Walk away.

Do you REALLY need an online forums opinion on this situation ?!
You already know yourself !!! And this is not a normal situation at all …

He’s got such poor boundaries that just one month after leaving the relationship in which he claims he treats the child as if it’s his, he’s got a new girlfriend? Shouldn’t he be focusing on this difficult adjustment period for the child he says he sees as his, rather than adding a new relationship into the mix?

You’re bonkers for pursuing this relationship when it’s so messy, let alone when it’s so fresh!

I missed he made a nasty comment about your appearance. Wow. OP what are you thinking staying in this relationship? It’s madness.

Spot on.

They were together for 16 months? Then surely he can't have been much involved in this child's life right from the beginning, as most people would not introduce a new partner to their dc that quick.

Are you really, positively, 100% sure that this child isn't his?

This is not ok for you. It’s that simple. He needs to sort his stuff out. It wouldn’t work for me and you have the right to feel this way. It is messy and will get worse no doubt when she finds out about you. Save yourself the stress and hassle. What he is doing is commendable however you sound like you deserve respect and some sort of commitment which at the moment he isn’t and can’t give you. I would distance myself if I was you and take a step back. I’m sure his a good guy but god knows what’s true or not. If I was with him and his phones going at night and it’s the baby’s mum he will be gone and over there in a heart beat. I’m not putting up with that.

Was he seeing you behind her back?

Because this has definite vibes of him stringing you along as the OW while he was in the relationship with the child’s mother, and now claiming they have ‘split up’

They may be officially separated but emotionally, they are not. Probably still shagging too- and will get back together at some point. Heated debates after only a month of dating- it isn't normal. Negative comments about your appearance - not acceptable. Him openly criticising his ex to you - red flag. Throw this one back and save yourself the hassle.

@Popthetop5 I mean the child was only a few months old when your new partner got to know him and so I can understand why he’s bonded so strongly with him as he’s seen him progress to a little two year old and it must be difficult to think he’ll never see him again. I don’t think his interest is ‘weird’ especially if the child is non verbal autistic perhaps he feels extra protective towards it. So in that sense, that’s green flag behaviour to me.

However, as PP have said it’s far too messy for a love interest who wants a serious LT relationship. It’s compounded further by fact that the ex wants him back!

Couldn't be me OP.

Oh god OP this is a ridiculous situation, he’s hiding your relationship, making not nice comments to you, always dropping everything to look after ex’s kid!! He was with her 16 months now hes full time dad? You’re right at the bottom
of the pile, this will not change! You’re supposed to be in the honeymoon period, not dealing with this crap. She wants him back, he’s always round there, what can go wrong! Throw him back, you’re a mother yourself, how can you be bothered with this drama?!! There are lovely men out there, tbh this one sounds meh, you can do better

Bloody hell OP find someone else.
There are thousands of single men, why are you acting so desperate over this one.

He’s 4 weeks out of a relationship, he’s definitely not in the right frame of mind to start dating anyone.

The fact that he’s trying to raise a child that isn’t his sounds pretty controlling.
You’d either get close to both children and want to stay in both of their lives or neither of them.
Only 1 is a massive red flag.

He has an adult son? How much time did he spend in that child's life when he was growing up? Is he trying to recreate what he didn't have the last time?

I think you must be quite mad to want to be involved with this circus

Your new boyfriend is planning on co-parenting with his ex girlfriend - a child that isn't biologically his???!! Where is the little girl's biological Dad? How long had he been with his ex? It couldn't have been that long, considering her daughter is only 2!!! My first thought is that this little girl, is his biological daughter. He's hidden his relationship with you, from his ex? Why?? If they've split up, then there's no reason why he needs to be hiding your relationship. I'd be ending this relationship quick. Your boyfriend's priority is his ex and the 2 year old. I could understand if your boyfriend has been in this child's life for many years, in wanting to keep in contact. That's not the case here. Walk away, the relationship is hard work and the situation is messy.

I do enjoy my dinner time fiction read.
this one is top tier 👍

What’s his relationship like with his elder children?

Not that it matters as you should have been off once you got wind of his living arrangements, but I’m seeing serious red flags here.

Walk away. It’s lovely that he wants to be involved with a child who he isn’t even related to but this is going to come between you. The mum sounds like a nightmare as well. I’m sure you can find someone else.

It’s messy and it’s too fresh for them to be moving on. My honest take is they’ll end up shagging at some point, possibly even back together.

At best this continues and you put up with it which means you’re short changing yourself because you want a relationship. You’ll play second fiddle to a kid that isn’t his (it’s admirable that he wants to remain in the kid’s life when he isn’t his, but it won’t work) but she’ll play him and the kid will become a pawn. You’ll then end up picking up the pieces when he’s upset or stressed.

The only person that ends up in tears and hurt here is you.

This happened to me when the son said he wanted his mum and dad together. Please walk away before you get hurt . I was badly hurt.

Ok, let me get this straight.

A woman with a tiny baby gets into a relationship with a man that isn’t the baby's father. I mean, way to go at prioritising your child and their wellbeing.

The relationship breaks down after only 16 months.

The man is very bonded with the child who isn't biologically his and wishes to remain in the child's life.

So much so that he gets into another relationship with you after a month of the relationship with the child's mother breaking up? I mean, way to go at prioritising the child and their wellbeing.

The man has known you for 3 years but only now decides you are relationship material? As long as the relationship is hidden, he can make negative comments about your appearance and spend all of his spare time at his ex's with the child, whose well being noone is really prioritising, under the guise of being a great guy? Because, here, have some flowers 💐?

Have I got this right so far?

Because if so, I don't see it ending well for you, or that poor child.