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Original poster

Opinions needed on new dates ex and situation

69 replies

Popthetop5 · 17/08/2025 07:28

He is 41
A month out of a 16 month relationship. Known him 3 years loosely. This recent ex has a 2 year old and 3 older kids. He has only bonded with the two year old and has decided this child is going to be raised to 18 by him coparenting with his ex.
So far that looks like him seeing the child every single day and both weekends since he reached out to me. I've asked about days and routines and he said he'll have him whenever, it seems like so far this is daily at some stage they have agreed he's needed for pick ups, childcare and time together.
I've wanted to be supportive as I have children but his life revolves around this ex and he's simply always there. Even if she wants to go pick up a friend he goes round to sit on the sofa.
He's expressed alot of unresolved irritation about her too. She's messy. Lazy and wouldn't let him have an opinion. I've noticed she likes and comments on all his FB stuff. Last weekend she wanted him back but he said no chance, he's getting a key soon for his flat so he plans to take the child there. He's currently in a shared house,

When I've expressed discomfort at his ex being so heavily in his day to day life he bought me roses around. We are due to go out Friday and he said he's got to pick up the child Saturday. His mums taking him away Sunday until Wednesday. She's asked him go drive there Monday to take him out for a day. So even in a 3 day break he's involved.

He seems really keen on me but I've told him I think he's too in this situation and it feels messy. He's committed to a child thats not his and he's going to let the mum rule his every day threw fear of her taking him away. But he also voiced we would probably see everyone we know at the seaside Friday and he hasn't told everyone yet they are over, he has told his adult son about me but he's not wanting her to find out. I've told him being hidden isn't something I'll agree to beyond a few weeks. Last night we got into a heated debate because of him ranging about her and then he made an insensitive comment on my appearance which he's apologised about. He feels he's done everything to reassure me and got me flowers. But I don't think my opinions on how this dynamic doesn't look healthy is wrong.

What do you honestly think? He already thinks she will use the child as a weapon. He has no rights either. He's also a non verbal autistic child and will have complex needs most likely.

OP posts:
Tuesdayschild50 · 18/08/2025 23:00

Walk away raise your standards it's messy there will be drama .
Why would you even contemplate this ypu won't ever be a priority.
Don't involve yourself in it all just a waste of time.

angelco · 18/08/2025 23:03

I would walk away no questions asked. You are worth more an All she is doing is using it as free childcare

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 18/08/2025 23:04

Baggage Alert!!!

You're the third wheel.

Too soon.

Rebound.

Having his cake and eating it too.

Being taken for a ride.

You deserve better.

Horses7 · 19/08/2025 06:30

This all sounds more trouble than it’s worth.

Snakebite61 · 19/08/2025 09:38

Popthetop5 · 17/08/2025 07:28

He is 41
A month out of a 16 month relationship. Known him 3 years loosely. This recent ex has a 2 year old and 3 older kids. He has only bonded with the two year old and has decided this child is going to be raised to 18 by him coparenting with his ex.
So far that looks like him seeing the child every single day and both weekends since he reached out to me. I've asked about days and routines and he said he'll have him whenever, it seems like so far this is daily at some stage they have agreed he's needed for pick ups, childcare and time together.
I've wanted to be supportive as I have children but his life revolves around this ex and he's simply always there. Even if she wants to go pick up a friend he goes round to sit on the sofa.
He's expressed alot of unresolved irritation about her too. She's messy. Lazy and wouldn't let him have an opinion. I've noticed she likes and comments on all his FB stuff. Last weekend she wanted him back but he said no chance, he's getting a key soon for his flat so he plans to take the child there. He's currently in a shared house,

When I've expressed discomfort at his ex being so heavily in his day to day life he bought me roses around. We are due to go out Friday and he said he's got to pick up the child Saturday. His mums taking him away Sunday until Wednesday. She's asked him go drive there Monday to take him out for a day. So even in a 3 day break he's involved.

He seems really keen on me but I've told him I think he's too in this situation and it feels messy. He's committed to a child thats not his and he's going to let the mum rule his every day threw fear of her taking him away. But he also voiced we would probably see everyone we know at the seaside Friday and he hasn't told everyone yet they are over, he has told his adult son about me but he's not wanting her to find out. I've told him being hidden isn't something I'll agree to beyond a few weeks. Last night we got into a heated debate because of him ranging about her and then he made an insensitive comment on my appearance which he's apologised about. He feels he's done everything to reassure me and got me flowers. But I don't think my opinions on how this dynamic doesn't look healthy is wrong.

What do you honestly think? He already thinks she will use the child as a weapon. He has no rights either. He's also a non verbal autistic child and will have complex needs most likely.

Everyone is telling you to get out of the relationship but you're ignoring them.
It seems like you're sold on this guy no matter what.
I can't see why you posted on here in the first place.

LilacReader · 19/08/2025 10:57

This feels like they are still together in every way but sex!

Let this one go - if he really wants to be with you he would listen and work something out. I have no problem continuing being in the boy's life, 16 months is a long time for a child of that age but set days and rules need to be in place.

Pinkbasketcase · 19/08/2025 15:16

Flowers? Seriously... Sounds like a man child..

He isn't ready to be committed. The comment on your appearance.. wtf.. Oh he really is a "nice" guy!!

Far far too much for such a short period of time!!!

pineapplesundae · 19/08/2025 21:42

Open your eyes! This is not a healthy relationship for you and surely you know that. Save yourself!

bumbers1 · 19/08/2025 22:05

It's not going to work. Cut your losses before you get even more emotionally entangled and manipulated.

bumbers1 · 19/08/2025 22:07

Never ever agree to be hidden in a relationship.

emmetgirl · 19/08/2025 22:08

Run. Run now.
please.

Coffeislife · 19/08/2025 22:18

What was the insensitive comment , this baby would have been very young when they got together, him wanting to be in their life is admirable, their dynamic is bat shit crazy and his dramas and involvement is bat shit

Hopingtobeaparent · 20/08/2025 08:33

cheesycheesy · 17/08/2025 07:31

I wouldnt touch him unless I was desperate. He doesn’t sound very nice and has so much baggage it’s unreal.

Kindly, OP, this. Don’t do it to yourself!! Future you will not thank you if you stay, but will if you throw this one back!!

Hopingtobeaparent · 20/08/2025 08:38

cheesycheesy · 17/08/2025 08:22

He’s likely going to get back with her anyway

Probably also this

Hopingtobeaparent · 20/08/2025 08:48

Branleuse · 17/08/2025 09:30

Nah, sounds too messy for me.
I think id just say to him that you do enjoy his company, but its clearly not the right time, and there's still unfinished business with their breakup. You cant build a relationship with someone who's still so invested in his previous one.

This sums it up very well.

Good luck, OP.

Hopingtobeaparent · 20/08/2025 08:50

Ilovelurchers · 17/08/2025 10:18

I have to say, his commitment to this child is actually admirable in my opinion, even if he isn't necessarily going about co-parenting in the best way.

Fair enough the child isn't his biologically - but as he has been there for the child since it was tiny, to all intents and purposes he is the dad - and I admire him for not walking away from that responsibility.

That doesn't mean he is the right choice for you OP. Certainly not right now.

He and his ex either need to get back together, or work out a proper co-parenting schedule. Spending every day together isn't workable if they aren't together.

I assume he hasn't adopted the child and doesn't have PR. Really this is what he needs to do, so that he has conçrete parental rights and his ex canr manipulate the situation (,not saying she would - but he deserves ro feel secure in his parental role, given his commitment).

But anyway, that's for him/them to work out.

I would walk away at this point OP. The situation is too febrile - there isn't space for another adult in the mix right now. If you really like him, tell him to get his shit sorted and come back to you in a year or so once the situation has settled and he has worked out a reasonable co-parenting schedule.

In the meantime though, i would remain open to dating others if you are keen to be in a relationship. As he may never be able to resolve this sufficiently to have space in his life for you, sadly. And he is right reallt, his kid needs to come first. That's not to say separated parents can't go on to hace other relationships - of course they can. But only when they have a settled schedule in place - otherwise it's not fair on anyone.

Sorry, I realise this won't be what you want to hear.

Very well said!

Hopingtobeaparent · 20/08/2025 08:55

Like others have said, only a month in and he’s already making critical comments apologising with flowers?!

No.

I mean, for me personally, just the fact that he apologises with flowers would be a massive turn off anyway. Fine buy me flowers, but because it’s a nice gesture to cheer me up, not as a way of saying sorry!

LarrySherbert · 20/08/2025 09:54

cheesycheesy · 17/08/2025 07:48

Everyone’s told you their thoughts. But you don’t want to listen

Six replies and 20 minutes after the OP?! 😆

To everyone saying, oh I don't know what you want or why you posted this... to get it off her chest maybe? 🤔

Hopingtobeaparent · 20/08/2025 16:13

@Popthetop5 I’ve been reflecting on this since my last posts, I can’t shake the feeling that he’s potentially controlling? Certainly a few red flags for sure!

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