Feeling so fed up of feeling like DH is like my third child…

[Fedupsummer]

DH and I have 2 young primary age children. We both work full time which means summer isn’t relaxing etc as kids to lots of clubs / various things so we can work (other than family holiday / odd day off).

The clubs are much further than school (we’re in rural) and require packed lunch (not school dinners) so the mornings are a little busier than a usual school morning for these reasons.

DH just doesn’t do anything. Gets up, has a coffee, sits on his phone, goes to the toilet etc. all whilst I’m running around sorting lunches and clothes and packing bags and breakfast, brushing hair etc! He will drop them off if I ask but only if I ask and still doesn’t seem capable of doing anything without constant reminding which then turns into me ‘nagging’.

The kids have been struggling with sleep a lot recently so we have been doing stricter , earlier bedtime routines around the ninento and iPad etc.

anyway I went to the gym for a class yesterday evening, get back 45 mins after we agreed no screens and they’re still on them, no dinner, no pyjamas. When I asked he said he ‘just didn’t think’ - which meant routine was disrupted after all the hard work (once I’d got theme off electronics, fed them, PJs etc).

this is just an example of what feels constant.

What can you stop remembering to do for him?

can you disappear for a walk in the morning or go into work extra early - just leave a note on the kettle and leave him to get on with things

If you said to him 'how would you feel if I left all of that stuff to you every day and sat on my phone' what would he say?

I know it's more work initially, but maybe you could make a poster to put up on the wall in a prominent place, with the children's timetable/schedule on it, in simple bullet points.

Draw to DH's attention, so he's aware of what needs doing and when. Then he'll have no excuse not to follow it. If the children can read, it will help them too to know what's expected.

Honestly I’d be saying “grow up, get a grip and try harder or it’s over”

@childofthe607080s tried to do that this morning as had a docs appt- got back and they were all still at home when they should’ve been at club already

@Daisyvodka get in a strop and say something like how would you feel if I stopped paying the mortgage (we split bills proportionately to earnings which is probably 60/40 him/me)

At that point go straight back out - at some point he had to get to work or the kids get angry at him for missing something they wanted to do - don’t pick up the pieces / toughen up !

It doesn't sound like he's going to change. The only thing you can do is give him an ultimatum and be prepared to walk away.

You shouldn't have to 'manage' and spoon feed your your DH. All the time you do stuff for him he won't bother. So start with a big list stuck up on the wall with tasks he's expected him to do. Decide it between you so he's involved in the process and you're not again deciding for him. Him opting out is pure laziness. If he cannot or won't co operate then l'd be suggesting you separate as what is the pont of him?

Can you just sit him down and tell him how it’s making you feel? Then make a plan to either split the tasks or take it in turns to get the DC ready for clubs etc in the morning.

What is it like in term time? Is the school run down to you?

Does he not have to be at work?

How is being in this marriage still benefiting you?
And if you can't think of anything other than money, at what point do you think it's time to call it quits?

If he can hold down a job then he’s not as dumb as he's making out. He’s choosing to not bother and “not think” because he thinks it’s your job to look after the kids and he thinks his job is just to make money. This is evident from the response you said he would give about paying the mortgage. He’s a selfish, misogynistic arsehole with no respect for you or your time.

He does know, he just can't be bothered. It's probably not possible for all sorts of reasons but I would be so tempted to go away and leave him to it for a week.

Wow, he really has no respect for you does he?!???

I'm 3 months on from leaving my man child (also 2 primary aged children and full time jobs). Has been the best thing I've ever done. The weight off my shoulders due to not having that simmering resentment all the time has done wonders for my mood.
I know it's not an easy option - I had to literally sort out and furnish a new place for him to live - but if their net contribution is negative, then what's the point in them even being there?

The trouble is, you can't change an inconsiderate person. They might manage it for a week or so, then slip back into their natural lack of concern. Sorry OP, I had one like this...

He does it on purpose. Of course he does.

I used to have one like this.
He needs to join in with family life or F off.
The resentment is an absolute relationship killer.

For God’s sake stand up for yourself. Tell him you will sort the kids out in the mornings Mon-Weds, and he can sort the evenings. Thursday and Friday you swap. Or similar. And then DON’T HELP when it’s his job.

Honestly, I’d just leave him. It’s not often I say that but that’s just such weaponised incompetence, I couldn’t deal with it and frankly it would give me the ick (hate that phrase but it applies here!)

I bet he’s perfectly organised at work, it’s not that he can’t do it, it’s that he can’t be arsed to do it, because the day to day drudgery of life with young kids isn’t his responsibility. Says a lot about how he views you in my opinion.

Take the screens away and get rid of them. They don't need them. It's summer - plenty to entertain them without that junk.

I doubt he's had a character change so I assume he's never been respectful. I'm guessing that he sees the house and children as your domain and knows that you'll pick up the slack, he just has to drag his heels and neglect the children so that you don't trust him.

Did he want children? Because he's completely disengaged from being a parent.

There are ways to approach this but he has to be committed to his family in order to follow through and it sounds like he doesn't care. For example, you take it in turns to do the mornings or you divide the chores eg he supervises teeth, you make lunch, he does breakfast, you do bags.

Ultimately he's watching you run yourself ragged and is putting his feet up, that's not love.

I think most (not all) of them are like this - absolute wankers that leech off our organisation. Mine does exactly the same. When I worked FT he got pissy about having to drop them off at breakfast club (it was the only feasible way we could do it without it costing an arm and a leg) and I was the bread winner! I no longer work FT because to be honest it was too much.

If he’s otherwise a good husband then my advice would be to tell him you may have to reduce your hours because of how busy it is and budget differently unless he helps with the children and give him a set list of things he needs to do for his children. The thought of the income being reduced might be enough to shock him into changing and being very specific means he has no excuse. For clarity I don’t think you should have to do this at all but maybe a last chance saloon kind of thing? My life is easier when my OH isn’t there as he does nothing to help and at least I’m not cleaning up after him as well. There’s resentment and to be honest I don’t fancy or like him anymore because of the ineptitude. It’s funny once they’re in their own they suddenly can do things. We’re not living together at the moment and mine used to need me to wake him up for work but he hasn’t missed work or been late once in 6 weeks so he just wanted to take advantage of me in every possible way.

Missing the point.