Feeling so fed up of feeling like DH is like my third child…

[Fedupsummer]

DH and I have 2 young primary age children. We both work full time which means summer isn’t relaxing etc as kids to lots of clubs / various things so we can work (other than family holiday / odd day off).

The clubs are much further than school (we’re in rural) and require packed lunch (not school dinners) so the mornings are a little busier than a usual school morning for these reasons.

DH just doesn’t do anything. Gets up, has a coffee, sits on his phone, goes to the toilet etc. all whilst I’m running around sorting lunches and clothes and packing bags and breakfast, brushing hair etc! He will drop them off if I ask but only if I ask and still doesn’t seem capable of doing anything without constant reminding which then turns into me ‘nagging’.

The kids have been struggling with sleep a lot recently so we have been doing stricter , earlier bedtime routines around the ninento and iPad etc.

anyway I went to the gym for a class yesterday evening, get back 45 mins after we agreed no screens and they’re still on them, no dinner, no pyjamas. When I asked he said he ‘just didn’t think’ - which meant routine was disrupted after all the hard work (once I’d got theme off electronics, fed them, PJs etc).

this is just an example of what feels constant.

If the are absolute wankers leeching off you / well you are enabling it

sometimes think that if women weren’t such walk overs there er would more god men in the world

If you said to him 'how would you feel if I left all of that stuff to you every day and sat on my phone' what would he say?

get in a strop and say something like how would you feel if I stopped paying the mortgage (we split bills proportionately to earnings which is probably 60/40 him/me)
@Fedupsummer , In which case, say it, wait for a reply then leave all the mortgage paying to him.

The trouble is...... the unrelenting ick which stems from these idiot lazy men using weaponized incompetence to create the life THEY want

And then they wonder why their partner/wife doesn't want to have sex any more

But hes not paying the mortgage is he? Hes paying slightly more of it but that doesmt mean he gets to check out of family life 100%. In fact if you both work the same hours its irrelevant who pays for what.

I've been there. My ex regarded me as the provider of maid service.

Did I mention he's ex?

There is no magic solution to fix this, that someone on Mumsnet is going to come up with. If only there was eh!

You don’t want to have it out with him because you’ve already decided “it’s not worth the inevitable argument”. You state that you don’t feel like there is anything you can say that will get into his head.

So I’m not sure really what you want from this thread?

Want to vent - vent away.
Want validation that you’re married to a useless waste of skin - yes you are.

His behaviour is outrageous, unfair and disrespectful. And maybe having us all tell you that, makes you feel better for a little while.

But you’re making the choice to put up with it. There is only you that can change this.

You may not think this is ‘big’ enough for divorce op, but it absolutely is.

because he doesn’t love you at all. Sorry. When people are in love they don’t sit there on their arse watching the person they love run themselves ragged. He doesn’t need to be sat down and told what to do as of course he already knows, but he doesn’t care. He is abhorrently sexist - the expectation that you do all the childcare and housework because he earns more (hello gender pay gap) is disgusting.

hes already checked out, is selfish, misogynistic and lazy, so your marriage will end on divorce. I’d start looking in to when it will suit you best to do it.

my own life experience is that life is a billion times nicer single than with a man like this.

We went through a phase of this. Eventually I lost my shit and said that when he earned as much as the chairman of ICI and therefore could afford to pay staff to do all the house work and childcare, he could behave like the chairman of ICI. In the meantime, his earning power was deficient so he'd have to do his share of the work around the house. Woke him up a bit.

he never tidies up from breakfast if ice done the club run I’ll get back and cereal bowls, messed up sofas, dirty PJs on the floor all left for me.

Do you have a spare bedroom? Tell him he's in there until he stops behaving like a third child as you don't fancy sleeping with a child. Then dump the dirty dishes on his bed. When he asks why, say he was happy to leave them lying around for you so you thought you'd reciprocate.

Stop doing his washing, especially anything relating to work/hobby. When he complains he doesn't have any clean socks - I didn't think.....

Tell him that the packed lunches are on him - he can make the night before or in the morning - no lunches then he gets no dinner.

I rather agree that the nuclear option is the only one left. Just go ahead and lose your shit. Don’t “nag” , don’t beg: have an absolute rage fest. Leave nothing unsaid.

You have to step right back. Make a schedule of who is responsible each morning. Agree whose day is whose and then stick to it. On your mornings, carry on doing everything you’re doing. On his, do absolutely nothing. Go to work, close the door if you work from home and ignore them. If the kids aren’t fed, sorted and given packed lunches then he has to deal with them all day. Do nothing.

Just be very clear with him of this intention. Explain what it means. Have the schedule on the fridge. If he complains when he messes it up just ask, “Why do you expect me to do all of this, but then when it’s your turn, you think it’s too much to handle alone?”

It will be hard. The kids might miss a few things. But you just have to go through that hard part.

Had this with my ex (before the real abuse started). I'd ask for help which he would do for a month or l so then it all slipped back to me being the unpaid housekeeper/nanny/project manager again.

I think he is too set in his ways (always his ways never yours) to change now.

The (usually) woman ends up doing everything because it's just adds to stress if she doesn't do it or he does it so badly the woman gets even more stressed. These men know every trick in the book to keep us running around after the family.

I do hope you can resolve this but I think splitting is the best option. Don't mention splitting until you have your ducks in a row though. Good luck.

I think sometimes there is no choice but to have the difficult conversations if you don’t want to just build resentment towards him over the next few years. And part of how he gets away with this behaviour is by making it uncomfortable for you to challenge him, which is manipulative and deeply unattractive as a character trait.

If you start a conversation with him along the lines of “I’ve taken on board what you’ve said about me nagging, so I would like to understand what you would consider a fair split of household chores, parenting and life admin” then there is nothing in there to cause offence, but his reaction will be telling.

And then have the conversation. If need be, have a list ready of all the things that need doing so you can divide the tasks, because he’s left you to do everything for so long, he clearly hasn’t got a clue what you’re actually doing on top of your job each day. If he’s a decent guy who needs a wake-up call, this should be enough. And if he’s not, and isn’t willing to share the load more equitably? Better that you know this and can decide how much more of your life you want to devote to being his maidservant.

Well that one is easy - great! I do 100% of work in the home at the moment so by that logic mortgage and bills are 100% you then right?
Or - great! I pay 40% of mortgage so that means 40% of childcare - 3 days a week - are all yours - which days do you want?

It's not just childcare. OP is the housekeeper and nanny during non-work hours, but has a full-time job.
OP's DH just has a full time job and a hobby, and relies on the OP to do the rest.