Feeling so fed up of feeling like DH is like my third child…

[Fedupsummer]

DH and I have 2 young primary age children. We both work full time which means summer isn’t relaxing etc as kids to lots of clubs / various things so we can work (other than family holiday / odd day off).

The clubs are much further than school (we’re in rural) and require packed lunch (not school dinners) so the mornings are a little busier than a usual school morning for these reasons.

DH just doesn’t do anything. Gets up, has a coffee, sits on his phone, goes to the toilet etc. all whilst I’m running around sorting lunches and clothes and packing bags and breakfast, brushing hair etc! He will drop them off if I ask but only if I ask and still doesn’t seem capable of doing anything without constant reminding which then turns into me ‘nagging’.

The kids have been struggling with sleep a lot recently so we have been doing stricter , earlier bedtime routines around the ninento and iPad etc.

anyway I went to the gym for a class yesterday evening, get back 45 mins after we agreed no screens and they’re still on them, no dinner, no pyjamas. When I asked he said he ‘just didn’t think’ - which meant routine was disrupted after all the hard work (once I’d got theme off electronics, fed them, PJs etc).

this is just an example of what feels constant.

Yuck, what an absolute turn off.
Id have gone nuclear a very long time ago!

'I didn't think' gives me the absolute rage! Sunday we had a BBQ it was his family so I went in and washed up, he knew I was doing it I said its fine you go and talk. After I had finished he brings in a load of plates because 'I didn't think'. The bins overflowing why haven't you taken it out? 'I didn't think'. Why haven't you put the washing up away? 'I didn't think' arrrgggg why do the assume we should do all the fucking thinking all the time? You live here as well you know what needs doing!
*sorry wasn't much help but it appears your post was a bit triggering for me 😂

You need to sit down and have a serious conversation.

You both work full time so childcare and the house fall onto both of you equally.

If he’s sat around doing F all doing just huff around him saying nothing. Be direct and to the point. “DH, you can see I’m trying to get the kids ready for clubs this morning before work can you please be a parent right now and go and make their lunches/clean up from breakfast.”

Stop tiptoeing around him not saying anything and call him out every single time.

You are both adults, you are both parents, you are both responsible.

I honestly feel like it’s not worth the inevitable argument that’ll come from it though.

he is constantly glued to his phone under the guise of ‘work’ (work intersects with his hobby so difficult for me to discern exactly when he’s doing something urgent and when he’s just scrolling - mostly scrolling).

he never tidies up from breakfast if ice done the club run I’ll get back and cereal bowls, messed up sofas, dirty PJs on the floor all left for me. It’s making me miserable.

Dont feel like there’s anything I can say that will get into his head - been here so many times and then he acts like I’m an awful nag or sulks

Tell him he either shapes up and starts pulling his weight with the children, or he parents them full time on his own during the 50-50 arrangement when you divorce him.

He might as well replace 'I didn't think' with 'I didn't care'.

It is so disrespectful of you. He might never change, so you need to decide really if this is what you want

I honestly feel like it’s not worth the inevitable argument that’ll come from it though.

well you have two choices, tackle it and deal with the fall out or put up with it FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

Id certainly pick the short term pain over a lifetime of resentment and skivvying

he never tidies up from breakfast if ice done the club run I’ll get back and cereal bowls, messed up sofas, dirty PJs on the floor all left for me.

Sorry but I would just leave it all where it is and go back out. Either to work or for a walk / coffee / meet a friend. If you have to be in the house just step over it all.

I honestly could not live with / be married to someone like this and don't know how anybody does tbh.

I honestly feel like it’s not worth the inevitable argument that’ll come from it though.

Dont feel like there’s anything I can say that will get into his head - been here so many times and then he acts like I’m an awful nag or sulks

Sorry to be harsh but get a grip and stop acting like this is how life has to be!!! So what if he acts like you're a nag or sulks?!?! Let him!!!

Agree on which mornings are each of your responsibility, and on his day do nothing. Leave the cereal bowls, pyjamas etc- not your problem.

Are you prepared to do everything for the next 20 years? Or are you prepared to have a tricky conversation and make a change?

Explain that when he says 'I didn't know/think it means he doesn't care'. He is capable of holding down a job so he is capable of caring for his children.
Devise a job share agreement and stick to it. Be prepared to leave if things don't change.

What would he say if you said
Counselling
Or
Divorce
Or
Both

Oh dear OP this one is going to be very difficult . In your position I would sit him down, explain exactly what the problem is and tell him if there is no change (in say 3 months), then you are leaving him. But then I could not live like this and would be prepared to follow through on that threat.

If that is not your choice, one option you have is to state that you currently have 2 jobs and it is too much, so either he does 50% or you need to quit work and see what he says (note I would personally not do this as I would not be prepared to be his maid and would not make myself vulnerable in this way)

A half way house would be to have the conversation, say you are done with this shit and he needs to pull him weight and you won’t cover for him. Then decide how and where you will withdraw your labour whilst having maximum impact on him and minimum impact on your children. This won’t be 50% without your children being impacted heavily but it will make a start. Don’t nag, don’t remind, just leave him to it and make him bear the consequences- this is key! Eg if he forgets something (the bbq dishes) then he washes them. If he leaves breakfast lying about, don’t tidy his mess leave it for him. State the night before ‘I have doctors appt so you need to take the kids to club - then don’t do it. If the kids don’t go, they don’t go. Presumably eventually he will need to go to work and need the babysitting? Also, try to book some time away: a hobby or some social activities that mean you are unavailable. The best way to get him to pull his weight is to not be there. Could you, after the conversation, go to a friends or your parents for two weeks and just leave him to it?

You went out to the gym and he didn’t give them dinner or get them ready for bed? 😲

Good grief! I was brought up in the 60s/70s and my father would have been ashamed to be so useless. My mother also worked full time, and sometime went away for a week on courses or workshops. My father made sure the household ran just as smoothly when it was just him. So as children we had the example of a mother who was able to enjoy her work and independence as well as being our mother.

Why would you put up with this level of stress and frustration? It’s setting a very poor example for your children, too.

I'm a (married) child free woman and I would probably make a similar comment.
But then, I'm obviously projecting a lot.
Missed whether OP works as well.

@Luckyingame yes full time

It’s in the second sentence of her OP, @Luckyingame.

Then you are only left with 2 choices - leave him or spend the rest of your precious life miserable and resentful with your children having a dreadful influence in their lives

Was he like this before DC?

This is indeed a poor example of a relationship to show your dc. What are you getting out of this relationship now?. You’re not still with him because of the kids?.

This is such a common comment, but it's just not true. They won't. If you're lucky, you'll get every other weekend and a weeknight. Or you might be like me, and get a day off a month (never an overnight).

Now my kids are great, it's so much better not having him around making me resentful (for instance, I got them in a bedtime routine, and they like their sleep, there was no fuss about it. All he had to do is say 'right, bedtime' brush their teeth and put them to bed - they didn't even mind about not having a story - but he couldn't even do that without me reminding him that it was already past their bedtime), but I'm not going to deny that while they were younger (and in lockdown he didn't see them for months on end at all) it was a heavy responsibility.

It sounds like you've already lost hope that raising it with him will make any difference, so all that's open to you is withdrawing your labour - if it's something for you and the kids, do it. If it's something for him, don't. Don't bother considering him (I spent so long waiting for him to agree to do things like come to the zoo or park with us, until I just stopped waiting and did all the trips without him) in what you want or need to do.

Then decide how you want this to go (I guarantee he'll still think it came out of the blue)

This is a much bigger problem than you probably realise despite how unhappy it’s making you. It’s a lifetime of resentment and simmering anger unless it is tackled head on. Unless you can find a way of living with this, or he can dramatically change, then I think you will either be very unhappy, likely forever, or divorced.

So treat him like the child he is then? Why does a grown man need simple bullet points of his own children’s routine?! 🙄

And to that you respond, "So if I got a payrise and was earning more than you, you would be doing this while I sat there on my phone? Is that really what you're saying?"

What a jackass.

Seriously.

You work full time, too. It's not about the income, as you pull in quite a lot in comparison to him, and have the same amount of time he does available at home.

He needs to pull his finger out and do HIS SHARE at home or get to fuck.

I would be issuing an ultimatum.

Why should @Fedupsummer compromise her career/ pension contributions/ ability to earn just because he can't be bothered and treats her like his mother too?

Men like this then wonder why their wives no longer desire them sexually, don't curl up to them all romantic at the end of the day and then proceed to grumble about that too.
Simmering resentment kills desire /intimacy stone dead.

Make a timetable and allocate him 40% (you do 60% ) so throwing his 60/40 argument back at him.