Is it ever a good idea to call out a man who used you

[Liftmyselfupagain]

Basically that.

Friends on and off for a few years, special bond blaa blaa, a sketchy platonic situation ship.

He chased and chased for the last month or so, I gave in and puff he’s gone and it’s weird. WTF. I am furious with myself.

I don’t want revenge but honestly to just let someone slip away like that.

Do whatever you need to do to move on.
You're giving him power over you by thinking about what you should do, contemplating what the right choice is.
There is no right choice, there is just your choice.

Whatever helps you close the door and get past it and that can change dependent on the circumstances.
Some men I have told them what a dick they were, others I haven't.
It makes no difference to them, I don't think they think about it.
You do you.

yanbu?

Seems to me that to him, you were a conquest and another notch to add to his bedpost. The chase was what he enjoyed. Twat.

Please don't beat yourself up over it. You really wouldn't want to be in a long-term relationship with someone as shallow as that, would you?

Oh I thought it was a post on aibu - but I stand by my comment

This situation is so familiar that I think my friends and I have all been through it at one point or another. He might not be a bad guy, but he’s definitely no good for you. Anyone who ghosts someone after a lengthy intimate relationship (friends and lovers) has no real consideration or care. Keep your distance now - these kind of relationships tend to follow a cyclical pattern of attraction and rejection and it’s an endless loop until you choose to stop it.

i helped him feel like he still had it

It packaged the care and consideration so well, I doubted myself.

hes really punctured my self esteem and trust

And that we knew eachother for a while, shared a lot of our lives or homes etc, yeah the lack of care really hurts

Allow it to hurt but don’t reach out. He’s unlikely to make you feel better - and when/if he ever does return please make sure you slam the door in his face.

Don’t feel bad about yourself. As I said before, it’s a tale as old as time. I have no idea what makes some men act this way, I just know there aren’t many women I know who haven’t experienced it, so it has nothing to do with your worth or value.

I think this happens more than we give credit for. Some people are just manipulative turds.

I wouldn’t call him out - I would grey rock. At some point he will come sniffing back again when he’s after a booty call. At that point - ignore ignore ignore. Don’t respond at all. At. All!

leave him wallow alone with his hand.

Actually - if you want to twist the knife, when he does approach you again just say “nah mate, the sex was shit” and then ignore him. That’ll really hit home.

He's shown you who he really is and it's not pretty. Personally, I wouldn't call him out because I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.
Attention, even when it's negative, is still attention and he doesn't deserve any more of yours imo.

Seems to me he was doing something called mirroring.

I know what you mean but no in this case I don’t think so. We genuinely enjoyed similar things, he was being real with the things he chose. We had that in common at least.

OP firstly I had this exact same situation after my marriage except I did end up in a relationship with the guy. Waste of time: the emotional unavailability continued and I wasted two years. I think what you’re saying is very true— he reflected yourself back to you. At least half of this is you learning to like yourself again and notice your beauty and charm. Who even is he without you?

In my 20s I did instinctively call out a ghoster, mainly because I was so inexperienced and shocked. I straight rang him up and said not that I was upset, but I said ‘you’ve handled this extremely rudely and come across very badly indeed’. Still enjoy remembering his flabbergasted ness— lol.

And p.s. that man later became a psychotherapist. In case you want iron clad proof that performances of sensitivity do not a truly sensitive man make.

Men like this are big babies. IDK what you have in mind for revenge, but these kind of guys take any rebuke the way a little boy takes a scolding from his mother. It’s not satisfying unfortunately. They don’t change.

Who knows what really goes on in the heads of fucked up men like this, but one thing for sure is he will be thinking about you from time to time, especially as it is still early days, so do not contact him because it will only demonstrate you had feelings for him.

Give him the dilemma of not knowing what you’re feeling and thinking, just like he is doing to you.

He only deserves silence from you and nothing more. It is far more powerful, and in the weeks to come, you’ll see things a bit clearer without the pain and be so proud of yourself.

I may have fucked up really. Last week something happened and I sense such distant from him the following day and he said as much. Then the next day he asked to catch up again and I said I suspect he had something going out and that maybe us getting together that week shouldn’t add to it and he ghosted

and specifically this part…

I said I suspect he had something going out and that maybe us getting together that week shouldn’t add to it

it sounds like he tried and you rebuffed him?

Good advice, except, if he apologises, say nothing in reply. Give nothing back at all. Just look at him with a neutral expression.

I know you said not, but that so sounds like mirroring. Men will skip merrily around a friend they want to shag for years, playing ideal man, feigning delight and interest in all sorts of things and then once the mystery of what the inside of your pants looks like is resolved, off they skip to be ideal man to the next female friend they have masturbated over.

That's a positive though. He's not right for you but he helped you come alive again after a dead marriage. That's a good, temporary role he played in your life and now you feel alive again and can meet a genuinely suitable man. No need to chastise him or discuss it. Move on, having got what you needed from him at that time. Maybe even think of it as - for three years he gave you what you needed and wanted from the platonic friendship and for a few weeks you gave him what he needed and wanted from you. Very different things, but there was an exchange.

Hmm, I had sort of a similar situation with someone I was seeing last year, he didn’t ghost me but told me he needed space - so basically saying no without actually saying no. I really liked his company and had known him on and off for a decade and I felt totally rejected.
We are still in contact now and then, as I do like him as a person, but it messed with my head big time as it was the first ‘relationship’ I had had for over a decade (single parent focused on DC and work). I decided just to continue what friendship we had and plan things for me and make an effort to go to more social events and just not dwell on it.

I am seeing someone else now, and it’s just different, more gentle, no push-pull dynamic, I don’t know how to describe it. There is not the same fire but something clicked when I met him so I decided to go with it. I don’t know if it will go anywhere but it feels more emotionally healthy if that makes sense.

With the benefit of hindsight, what I think is that the first guy does care but is not emotionally available - he thought he could be but he cannot be; I suppose the difference is that he did say he handled it badly. So I accepted what he is able to give in friendship and moved on. (Edited to add - I so relate to the feeling of waking up emotionally myself through the first ‘relationship’ though, and I always will be grateful to him for that, it was amazing)

I think for some men it is all about the chase. They pull out all the stops, “mirroring”’as someone said above to make you feel a connection to them.

Once they get what they want they stop puttting on the front and work and you see the real them. Many women would assume, after all that work, that they want to continue into a realtionship and will be shocked and hurt when they go cold. Sometimes this is due to emotional unavailability, avoidant attachment style, sometimes they are just shit heads.

Either way they are bad news and it’s best to walk away and find someone emotionally available.

Thank you so much for all the messages, I really appreciate them.

I chatted with a friend yesterday about it and I figured out I think the main thing that bothers me.

That it is something left unresolved. That if you could only have a chat, clear the air, be honest, then moving on is so much easier. Than just being left in a silence and a feeling of something just stopping and nothing.

My friend made a comment which I took from the chat, that sometimes we don’t have the luxury of resolving things and it’s a shame as when things are unresolved that sit in you and come back to you in bed at night or in your mind.

I wish we could have just had a straightforward chat.