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Original poster

Cocaine use

56 replies

ThatAquaRobin · 13/08/2025 09:25

Could a constant runny nose, mood swings and being short of cash mean someone has a coke habit? This guy has asthma and allergies too so I think I was trying to see the best rather than the worst explanation.
My ex BF is an ex raver..in the 1990s he would have done all the substances and is open about this. He's now 53.

I know the answer may or may not be yes but I guess I'm trying to get my head round whether I've made the right decision to end a relationship that I enjoyed immensely.. I was infatuated with him and thought I loved him. Sex was amazing.

What I do know as facts He drinks 70-80 units a week and uses recreational MDMA.
His ex told me he said " Let's go back to my house and do coke" on NYE.

OP posts:
GasperyJacquesRoberts · 13/08/2025 09:31

That much booze and MDMA use combined would explain the mood swings and shortage of money on its own. On the other hand, someone in their 50s who is still that comfortable around recreational drug use is very likely to also be doing coke.

Put it another way - is borderline alcoholism and illegal drug use ok with you or not? What does it matter which illegal drugs he was using? He sounds like a loser either way.

Original poster
ThatAquaRobin · 13/08/2025 09:43

He told me his average these days for using the MDMA would be once every 6m or so at an EDM gig. I saw it once and to be fair it was fine.
I just could never trust what I was being told.
He denied having a coke habit but I was not sure I believed him. Hence my searching for answers.
I miss him.
But my nervous system was screaming at me that I was being gaslighted about being anxious regarding the coke thing.
He denied using it these days.

OP posts:
KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 13/08/2025 10:08

Is excessive drinking, drug use and never having any money at age 53 not enough of a sign to steer well clear??

Original poster
ThatAquaRobin · 13/08/2025 10:33

Should be I agree.
But as ever there was enough good there for me to stick it out for a while. He was into psychology and shared vulnerability. Attachment styles that type of thing, and love languages.
I'd never met anyone like him and I think I got blinded by the 'new man' act. He is utterly charming, self effacing and could talk the knickers of anyone. I told him this.
I miss him and I miss the sex

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/08/2025 10:34

So is he having no money and alcoholism ok for you ok as well?. I look at you as well in all this and wonder why you have seen this man at all?. Why is your relationship bar this low?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/08/2025 10:37

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Such charming souls on the surface make for dangerous lovers. You got love bombed by him and these types too can be master manipulators.

Original poster
ThatAquaRobin · 13/08/2025 10:39

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/08/2025 10:34

So is he having no money and alcoholism ok for you ok as well?. I look at you as well in all this and wonder why you have seen this man at all?. Why is your relationship bar this low?.

It isn't. I ended it in the end.
He has a good job, his house is almost paid off and we had loads in common.
I ignored what was in front of me but in the end I couldn't any more. He paid his way but was grumpy and broke at times.
I guess the purpose of my musing on here is to reassure me that these could have been signs of coke use and I did the right thing.
I loved him so.muxh, or thought I did.

OP posts:
MaggiesShadow · 13/08/2025 10:42

Attachment styles and love languages?

Come on, OP.

A middle aged man who's constantly broke, drinks to excess, and waffles in pop-psychology speak to explain why he doesn't have his shit together? You're well rid. Concentrate on moving on.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/08/2025 10:44

But you still need to ask yourself why you ignored what was in front of you. of course you were right to end it. You were in a codependent relationship with him. If he also had a good job then where was his money going to the point where he was broke?. Drugs and alcohol. The man seems like the oldest swinger in town.

PruthePrune · 13/08/2025 10:48

The amount of alcohol alone would put me off.

anyolddinosaur · 13/08/2025 10:52

If the drugs and alcohol dont kill him then in 5-10 years he may be a chronic invalid. Do you want to be caring for one? You can go years without the effects of that much alcohol being apparent and then it shows up.

Original poster
ThatAquaRobin · 13/08/2025 10:54

I guess I matched him for alcohol when we met as this was generally at weekends.
It was when he confirmed he drinks that most nights. When we spoke on the phone in the evenings (we lived am hour apart) he would be pouring 2,3,4 glasses of wine.
My thinking was if he 50 per cent parents a young teenager and has a cat house a job, how bad can it be?
Quite bad obviously...

OP posts:
thebraveryofbeingoutofrange · 13/08/2025 10:56

ThatAquaRobin · 13/08/2025 10:54

I guess I matched him for alcohol when we met as this was generally at weekends.
It was when he confirmed he drinks that most nights. When we spoke on the phone in the evenings (we lived am hour apart) he would be pouring 2,3,4 glasses of wine.
My thinking was if he 50 per cent parents a young teenager and has a cat house a job, how bad can it be?
Quite bad obviously...

What difference does his drug of choice make?

Original poster
ThatAquaRobin · 13/08/2025 11:02

I think I'd rationalized 6 monthly use of MDMA at gigs and justified this to myself.
Also alcohol but not to that degree
For me coke habit is a other level.
Who knows?

OP posts:
thebraveryofbeingoutofrange · 13/08/2025 11:06

ThatAquaRobin · 13/08/2025 11:02

I think I'd rationalized 6 monthly use of MDMA at gigs and justified this to myself.
Also alcohol but not to that degree
For me coke habit is a other level.
Who knows?

The problem with someone using drugs to such an extent is, do you actually know the real personality.

Crushed23 · 13/08/2025 11:28

A beer is 1.5-2 units of alcohol.

Are you sure he’s drinking EIGHTY units a week?

Agree with others, that’s enough of a red flag before you get to the potential coke habit.

Original poster
ThatAquaRobin · 13/08/2025 11:30

One bottle of wine a night is usual for him. Plus cocktails in cans or ones he makes at home.
Doesn't drink beer

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatAquaRobin · 13/08/2025 12:54

I just miss him so much.

OP posts:
iamnotalemon · 13/08/2025 12:58

ThatAquaRobin · 13/08/2025 11:30

One bottle of wine a night is usual for him. Plus cocktails in cans or ones he makes at home.
Doesn't drink beer

That would be a no from me, let alone the moodiness and being broke.

thebraveryofbeingoutofrange · 13/08/2025 13:00

It’s more than likely the idea of who it is that you miss. How can you possibly know a real person on drugs.

Original poster
ThatAquaRobin · 13/08/2025 13:07

There was just enough good there for me to still feel conflicted.
For example we went away for 3 days on a break and did loads of fun touristy things, walking markets, farm.shops, museums. All the while with intimacy and care. Yes we drank in the evenings but no drugs then.

OP posts:
UnemployedNotRetired · 13/08/2025 13:09

ThatAquaRobin · 13/08/2025 11:30

One bottle of wine a night is usual for him. Plus cocktails in cans or ones he makes at home.
Doesn't drink beer

A bottle of wine a day already gets you to about 60 units.

thebraveryofbeingoutofrange · 13/08/2025 13:12

ThatAquaRobin · 13/08/2025 13:07

There was just enough good there for me to still feel conflicted.
For example we went away for 3 days on a break and did loads of fun touristy things, walking markets, farm.shops, museums. All the while with intimacy and care. Yes we drank in the evenings but no drugs then.

Edited

Your OP stated that you thought you loved him but realised it was infatuation. Why and when did you realise that?

DiscoBob · 13/08/2025 13:16

I don't see why he would conceal his coke use while simultaneously being very open about MDMA?

But there's every possibility he does coke as well. If he's on a night out I'd imagine someone would have some and he'd accept. Then inevitably he'd probably be buying his own at least sometimes.

Many people who do MD do coke also. Though there may be a financial barrier to the amount he can afford to use.

Either way he's heavily into drinking and party drugs. If those things are a deal-breaker, or have made him too difficult to be with, then you've made the right decision. Coke or no coke.

Chocolatecraving · 13/08/2025 13:19

The person I know who I suspect takes coke on weekends is very similar to the guy you describe. Mid-50s, drinks a lot, good company, holds down a job, permanent runny nose (claims he is allergic to a tree in his garden.)

Just thought of a second guy I know very similar. They are a ‘type.’ Coke is their life.