Cocaine use

[ThatAquaRobin]

Could a constant runny nose, mood swings and being short of cash mean someone has a coke habit? This guy has asthma and allergies too so I think I was trying to see the best rather than the worst explanation.
My ex BF is an ex raver..in the 1990s he would have done all the substances and is open about this. He's now 53.

I know the answer may or may not be yes but I guess I'm trying to get my head round whether I've made the right decision to end a relationship that I enjoyed immensely.. I was infatuated with him and thought I loved him. Sex was amazing.

What I do know as facts He drinks 70-80 units a week and uses recreational MDMA.
His ex told me he said " Let's go back to my house and do coke" on NYE.

I agree with you and would suggest being a habitual cocaine user has more stigma than taking mdma and wine every weekend. Rightly or wrongly.

Possibly. To me they're one and the same really. I guess I associate MDMA more with younger folks. Maybe that's why he's trying not to admit it. That and it's ruinously expensive.

The bit that was twisting me was working out if I was being gaslighted.
Yes I do have anxious attachment.
But each time I asked if he's regularly using coke, it was turned around against me as having to ask again for reassurance.

Cocaine is ruinously expensive or mdma? Sorry, not up to date on the price of drugs!

A 53yr old recreational drug taker. Majorly grim. Or ‘the ick’ as MN prefers

Any gaslighting in any relationship means that relationship has to end for your mental health, regardless of whether drugs were involved or not,

If you have an attachment disorder, that needs to be worked on before you can feel safe in a relationship OP.

Yes and I'll own that. I'm restarting therapy 30th August. 1st appointment I could get.
But more of the above types of posts would help me, real life experiences of people.who have used or known users of coke.
Just to prove to me that I wasn't wide of the mark here.
I miss him so much but sort of need to know I was right to be suspicious

Hopefully someone will be along to answer that question but it’s good that you’re starting therapy soon. Good luck.

Yep, long past the hope by date.

They’re very different actually. MDMA is associated with raves, festivals, the EDM scene generally. It’s quite common to only take MD at an EDM event, and so this could be every few months. Cocaine is a lot less noticeable (meaning people just seem like a more confident version of themselves and not necessarily noticeably ‘high’) and the effect is much shorter, so you get many more instances of people taking cocaine at any social event, with alcohol. I’ve come across more regular coke users (at least once or twice a week, that kind of frequency) than regular MD users.

Yeah, you're not wrong. Coke I'd say is more common among his age group, coupled with booze. He drinks so much, and MD users often tend to drink a bit less? I'm no expert btw but have known many people who do that stuff.

Would it then be feasible that he could have been using coke to get going in the mornings after drinking binges.
Also to be a better version of himself at times.
Another friend of mine who has a mate who used coke said that she could just 'tell' when this mate had no money or access to any- she was grumpy and moody.
I saw this with my ex too..as well as the runny nose.
He would explain the moods away and then improve a bit after some alcohol.

The MDMA once every few months is irrelevant. People get hung up on recreational drugs being illegal and therefore "bad" but alcohol is a drug as well. MDMA is also generally not considered addictive.

80 units of alcohol (i.e.about one bottle of wine a day) is the issue. That's a huge amount to have every day, and I like a drink as well.

Will he cut back on the alcohol? That will tell you really. Will he choose you or the alcohol?

I agree. I am not and was never worried about the MDMA. I have been with him and a dance event where he did it. It was fine.
It's that alcohol and possible coke use that's my worry. Specifically the coke
I know all about alcohol harms. That was also a huge issue for me.

So he was moody and difficult at times? Does it really matter if this was as a result of coke use or not?

The relationship can't have been as perfect as you have indicated or you'd have no reason to suspect he was using in the first place. Have you suspected previous partners of being come heads?

Any of your friends?

If not then there's clearly a reason for your suspicions. And if it was just his mood well then that doesn't suggest he was always great or you wouldn't have noticed. We all have off days but this was clearly something more or you wouldn't be here questioning yourself.

You probably need to learn to trust your instincts and not be persuaded by the views of others.

Thanks yes that's a good point. I was choosing to ignore my inner voice for a while. This guy has asthma and takes antihistamines and eye drops. Hence me wanting to ignore the runny nose.
I still feel bad for the way all my anxiety exploded in the end as I'd been masking for so long before I ended the relationship. I feel bad for hurting him. And I miss him.

I guess I am asking for people's lives experience with coke users so I can try and make sense of what I may (or may not) have been seeing.

I remember when I was at uni our pals dad used to come out with us and ask us for MDMA and coke. He would also always try and bum fags. He was about 50… it was tragic. Please ditch this loser OP, for good.

Cocaine. It's more expensive (by the gram) and you can easily get through more of it than MDMA on a given night. It's also much easier to develop a habit.

The level of alcohol he consumed would've been enough for me to end the relationship.

I guess I'm struggling to understand why the cocaine is the hill you've chosen to die on when there's an entire mountain range of red flags for you to choose from. I'm kind of worried that you're almost hoping for lots of posters to say it mightn't be coke so that you can go back to him?

It'll be good to discuss with your therapist, I think. It's good that you're getting back into it.

I just want to know I was right I guess.

MDMA and coke are class A drugs. If you're caught with them you can find yourself in quite a lot of shit very quickly. The production and supply of those drugs also fuels a lot of additional crime and violence.

Yes, alcohol is a drug and potentially a very dangerous one. But buying a bottle of vodka in Tesco's is not going to get you a criminal record or help finance gang violence.

Ewww, he was into love languages.

That's nearly as bad an ick as alcohol dependency and drugs.

The love languages is misogynist patriarchal bullshit written by a fundamentalist US Baptist preacher back in the 90s with zero scientific evidence to back it up.

Insofar as it impressed me at the start. He only brought it up at the beginning and kind of rubbished it after that.
I think it was part of a charm offensive early doors.

You need to let it go. I know that’s easy to say, but there is no other answer.