I have absolutely no interest in sex and need to find it again!

[finlaythecat]

I’m 39, have 3yo and 6yo and been with husband for 16 years.
Ive always had a low sex drive but since the kids were born I have no interest at all. I coslept and breastfed them both and am coming out the other side of that now.
DH and I are less physically close now than we used to be, I think due to parenting life- Tired, touched out, busy, not prioritising our relationship.

he is kind and gentle and quite shy about sex, and a bit rubbish at talking about that kind of thing but he’s said he’d like to get back into having it to help us feel physically closer again. I totally agree with him that we need to put some work into this side of our relationship but I have absolutely no desire to have sex! Right now I can imagine never doing it again and that’d be fine with me. I really snapped tonight as he was stroking my leg, trying to initiate and o just felt so irritated.

please can anyone give some advice how to rekindle this part of our relationship after kids? Is this normal? I’ve almost got a mental block and can feel myself tensing up when I think it might be initiated. I cannot expect him to never have sex again, just because I don’t want to!!

Maybe arrange some childfree time and focus on reconnecting as a couple?

Do you still find him attractive?

I’m in the same boat. Looking forward to good ideas…but agree, first step should probably be to arrange some regular childfree time together.

Get some couples sex therapy, relate offer it

Women spend so much time trying to ‘fix’ a waning libido. I notice men aren’t expected to ‘fix’ their higher libido. It doesn’t need fixing. You don’t want sex. That’s ok.

Except that her husband does, and if she doesn't find her way back to desire for him, he may leave her. So it's fine to make an effort to reconnect with her sexual side, and see if it can be done. It's not ok to unilaterally decide sex is off the table for both parties in a relationship and expect the other party to just accept that. If she wants to be celibate for the rest of her life that's fine, but she may need to accept that means no relationship either.

It’s often about more than sex and libido. How evenly distributed is the mental load and actual load of household? Are you both working full time? How much rest and opportunity to recharge do you both have? Are you well rested, getting exercise you enjoy, doing fun things in your life, connecting with friends? Are you hanging out with DH? It’s a hierarchy of needs thing: with kids in the mix the total workload increases and with age our ability to recharge our batteries takes a bit more effort. If you are feeling drained it will be hard to want sex and it becomes another chore.

You’ve articulated exactly what I mean BabyCatFace, thanks!

What would you do to try to reconnect?

I do still find him attractive but struggle with his lack of self confidence, doesn’t really look after himself ie buying clothes that fit, replacing underwear that is more holes than material etc.

what made you feel close to him for those first 9 years of relationship? Who initiated sex then and how? What activities did you do together? That might help you figure out a way forward.

Ps if things like holes in underwear puts you off could you just buy him a cheap set of something you find ok from supermarket and throw others out. Maybe buy him a cheap top you like and take him out to something you’d like to do in your budget.

Also think about changing time you try be intimate. With kids most adults are knackered by 8pm, women especially. Could you take an afternoon off together once a month for a little while to reconnect when kids in nursery/school?

What helped us was not having sex at bedtime. I'm tired, and I just want to sleep. So we try to aim for a Tuesday (fits best with our general schedules), get the kids to sleep and then have sex. Then it's still early evening and we can either go straight to sleep or go and watch TV. Made me feel much more inclined as it wasn't impacting my sleep time!

I recommend you (both) read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. She uses the terms accelerators/ brakes for things that make us more/ less inclined to be interested in sex (no surprise that feeling disconnected, resentful, tired, or having a list of chores that need doing are all 'brakes') so looking at how to reduce those. She also talks about the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire. If you're not currently experiencing spontaneous desire then you need to find things that trigger your responsive desire, an erotic book, your OH making an effort to look good, having a good time together laughing/ doing something fun or seeing him do something that makes you admire him/ feel proud of him, sensual touch (without pressure or expectation). It's more about you both cultivating situations that allow connection and desire to flourish and turning those into sensual encounters rather than you trying to make yourself available sex.

I’m not sure she said she was on a tight budget - unless I missed that bit, but agree that buying him new underwear and some new tops that you like him in, is a good idea. My partner had holes in his underwear and I found it off putting, so he replaced them all.

Can't imagine why you don't feel desire for a man who dresses in rags.

The advice given to women really Is the worst. He can't even be arsed to buy decent underwear but it's the womans job to do something about it so her sex drive returns? In case he leaves her for not wanting to jump his holey arse!

The op has enough on her plate with two small children. Let him fix his own clothing situation!

My personal experience (I had a hysterectomy after second child and realised I had just lost the spark for any desire) was to focus on myself first. Not sex or intimacy in the relationship, i started to see those as a natural consequence of what I did about me. So I’ve gone about just trying to figure out what ‘does it for me’. Ive started reading slightly riské books, started a notes list of small things that get me actually feeling desire, scenes in movies, actors I’m physically attracted to, things DP had done that have ‘sparked’ something, anything.

It’s helping. I went from thinking argh can’t be arsed, too busy and sleep deprived to actually just feeling good about myself and things are heating up between DP and me as a natural consequence of that.

May not work for everyone but it’s working for me and it’s making me feel good about me rather than making me feel like I’m performing or just going on a hunt for him.

@fufulina

You cant make unilateral decisions like that when you are in a relationship with another person. If you have that attitude (towards any major issue, not just sex) you will end up single.

It is perfectly reasonable for a married man to want to have sex with his wife. There is absolutely nothing weird or unusual about
that.

A relationship involves more than one person.

No one is asking her to have sex she doesn't want.

At the same time, a man who entered a closed marriage with a woman who he is attracted to is not to be vilified for wanting to have perfectly normal marital relations.

Even if his libido is “high” - hard to verify objectively - she is on “zero”. Surely there is a middle ground to be found?

@finlaythecat

Firstly I think you need to directly acknowledge to your DH what he has said about the reduced intimacy, and tell him that you have heard him. This would also be the time to explain your side of things - you can discuss how the b-feeding / co sleeping / relentlessly touched out feeling has really impacted you. Men have no idea how touched out looking after small children can make you feel. Tell him your truth like he has told you his.

For childfree time I would be really intentional about arranging childcare (hard i know) but it’s actually really necessary.

For the first few outings, maybe plan a specific activity. If you have disconnected from each other it might be hard at first to sit and chat. You may find you just default to talking about the kids. So maybe for the first few times do a focused activity.

Try to remember / channel the fun things you used to enjoy together. Take turns to organise your connection time so it’s not yet another job for you.

Things like underwear with holes etc i would not give this huge headspace. I would just be direct - “DH, your pants are falling to pieces. It’s not a good look. Do you want us to go shopping together or will you sort it?”

re sense of style - I never cracked that one so sorry, other people will help you there! My ex had mustard coloured joggers!

Day to day, try to remember the things about him that you like and love. Try to reframe your thoughts about him in as positive a way as you can. For major issues that cant be overlooked - communicate.

For me, I had a huge appreciation deficit as I was drowning in life with small children. The truth is we were both struggling to adjust to this new life stage dominated by the needs of small people.

Don’t listen to people who tell you can just take sex off the table; take it from me. I am now divorced. It’s a shitty thing to go through.

Try to work on things if you can. Counselling has been mentioned - another good idea.

Plenty of women feel this way. It’s dressed up as ‘lie back and think of England’, or ‘maintenance sex’, but the reality is that society conspires to make sex a required part of a parenting relationship. I think we should question that more deeply. If lots of women don’t really want sex, who wins from that societal expectation?

I wouldn’t start with worrying about finding him attractive or wanting to have sex with him specifically. I would start with finding your own desire as a sexual being. That can take time after having kids. I think it’s natures way of making sure we don’t get pregnant when we are still stressed with young children. So if your children are still young give yourself some grace but keep having conversations with your DH so he knows that you don’t want a sexless relationship but it may take time with young kids to get it back to where you want it.

When you are ready focus on your own pleasure without including him. Get to know your own body again. It changes after childbirth and what you like and what feels good may have changed too. I found ‘spicy’ literature a huge turn on but it had to have an actual plot that I was hooked on and characters I felt invested in. I would then be turned on and would wake up my DH for sex when I was ready. Taking the pressure off really helps. It’s not about pleasing him. It’s about rediscovering yourself as someone other than just a mum and reconnecting with your partner on a level that you can’t with anyone else. It really does add to your relationship and you need to see it that way. My DH was so used to not getting any he never initiated. When I rediscovered my sex drive I felt crushed when he sometimes turned me down or didn’t initiate. In reality he had just got used to how things were and it took a while to get him back into it too. Now if he initiates I never turn him down (unless I’m unwell or really not up for it) because I know how it feels to be rejected and i know I will enjoy it when we get going. I do it for the relationship not always because I’m turned on the moment he suggests he’s up for sex. Our relationship is 100x better since we have regular sex.

But he's not like the creepy boyfriend on the other thread who wants it 8 times a day.
He sounds like a lovely, caring guy.
A real keeper OP. 😊
Hope you get some good advice from women in your situation OP 🤞

I think it is normal for the urge to be that close to fade to nothingness. I've seen and heard of it so often that I think it remaining for decades is the abnormal situation.

I actually don't want anything to do with men anymore since child 2 and am looking forward to never being touched by one again.

I focus on my children, friends, interests and am enjoying life immensely.

I don't know how successful any attempts to force ourselves into wanting sex can be.

You could try testosterone gel if you get your blood checked, it might be low.

Try reading racy books or watching movies that might work. or buy some underwear for yourself, even picking it out with your husband online might get you started.

Once you start you might get back to it again. Then just keep it up. Good luck x

Can you not do other stuff like “give him a hand”. You don’t have to have full penetrative sex to feel close and together.

Agree with previous poster who said try different times than once you're in bed. Once I'm in bed all I want to do is read my book and sleep. So we try to make sure it happens earlier in the evening before we get too engrossed in a film or too tired.

You may also want to check out the new book edited by Gillian Anderson, Want, which is a compilation of women's desires/fantasies from around the world. Might spark some desire again!

Google sensate focus. It really helped when DH was going through some problems with ED. It’s basically about learning to rekindle intimacy without it being sexual and it really helped to take the pressure off him which got him back into the swing of things. The first few times are absolutely no sexual touch at all.