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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have absolutely no interest in sex and need to find it again!

62 replies

finlaythecat · 13/08/2025 04:46

I’m 39, have 3yo and 6yo and been with husband for 16 years.
Ive always had a low sex drive but since the kids were born I have no interest at all. I coslept and breastfed them both and am coming out the other side of that now.
DH and I are less physically close now than we used to be, I think due to parenting life- Tired, touched out, busy, not prioritising our relationship.

he is kind and gentle and quite shy about sex, and a bit rubbish at talking about that kind of thing but he’s said he’d like to get back into having it to help us feel physically closer again. I totally agree with him that we need to put some work into this side of our relationship but I have absolutely no desire to have sex! Right now I can imagine never doing it again and that’d be fine with me. I really snapped tonight as he was stroking my leg, trying to initiate and o just felt so irritated.

please can anyone give some advice how to rekindle this part of our relationship after kids? Is this normal? I’ve almost got a mental block and can feel myself tensing up when I think it might be initiated. I cannot expect him to never have sex again, just because I don’t want to!!

OP posts:
LuckyAnt · 13/08/2025 15:51

@Gettingbysomehow "they should go and see prostitutes..."

Why should vulnerable women be exploited to deal with this?

Missj25 · 13/08/2025 15:52

Onthebusses · 13/08/2025 10:11

I think it is normal for the urge to be that close to fade to nothingness. I've seen and heard of it so often that I think it remaining for decades is the abnormal situation.

I actually don't want anything to do with men anymore since child 2 and am looking forward to never being touched by one again.

I focus on my children, friends, interests and am enjoying life immensely.

I don't know how successful any attempts to force ourselves into wanting sex can be.

No it’s not ok ..
Sex is very important in a relationship..
It’s when two people who love one another want to show one another love ..
Also , everyone has needs !
I get why OP feels no desire to have sex at the moment with a busy life , & her kids are young ..
Sex therapy may help a lot , You don’t want to be in a sexless marriage OP , sex isn’t just about the sex afterall , it’s the intimacy & closeness it creates , in your case between a husband & wife ...
Fufulina I would hate to have your outlook on relationships & sex !

3luckystars · 13/08/2025 16:06

User415373 · 13/08/2025 11:53

Are you on hormonal contraception?
I just ask because I've been on it pretty much my whole adult hood and whilst I did enjoy sex I was rarely 'horny', I would almost have to force myself to start it then suddenly I'd be keen.
Anyway after my 2dc I felt the same as you, I also felt like I needed a break from hormonal contraception so I had my new implant removed.
For the first month I couldn't stop thinking about sex it was scary. All the time at work, anything I was doing I was thinking about sex.
It's settled down now (thankfully!) but now I feel like sex especially around ovulation. I have found it has really really helped jump start my drive again. I didn't know before how much hormonal birth control can affect sex drive.

I totally agree with this. I gave up the pill and went completely mad for it for about a year! I was on fire.

bopsybop · 13/08/2025 16:11

User415373 · 13/08/2025 11:53

Are you on hormonal contraception?
I just ask because I've been on it pretty much my whole adult hood and whilst I did enjoy sex I was rarely 'horny', I would almost have to force myself to start it then suddenly I'd be keen.
Anyway after my 2dc I felt the same as you, I also felt like I needed a break from hormonal contraception so I had my new implant removed.
For the first month I couldn't stop thinking about sex it was scary. All the time at work, anything I was doing I was thinking about sex.
It's settled down now (thankfully!) but now I feel like sex especially around ovulation. I have found it has really really helped jump start my drive again. I didn't know before how much hormonal birth control can affect sex drive.

Came here to say exactly this!!

Original poster
finlaythecat · 14/08/2025 06:55

AugustBabyBags · 13/08/2025 06:43

My personal experience (I had a hysterectomy after second child and realised I had just lost the spark for any desire) was to focus on myself first. Not sex or intimacy in the relationship, i started to see those as a natural consequence of what I did about me. So I’ve gone about just trying to figure out what ‘does it for me’. Ive started reading slightly riské books, started a notes list of small things that get me actually feeling desire, scenes in movies, actors I’m physically attracted to, things DP had done that have ‘sparked’ something, anything.

It’s helping. I went from thinking argh can’t be arsed, too busy and sleep deprived to actually just feeling good about myself and things are heating up between DP and me as a natural consequence of that.

May not work for everyone but it’s working for me and it’s making me feel good about me rather than making me feel like I’m performing or just going on a hunt for him.

Thanks that’s helpful

OP posts:
HelpMeUnpickThis · 14/08/2025 14:21

fufulina · 13/08/2025 15:27

its a zero sum game. Either the woman has unwanted sex, or the man doesn’t have the sex he wants. Why are women always expected to take the hit on what they want? Why can’t men take the hit on what they want?

This idea of men ‘needing sex’, to the extent it is accepted they will leave their families for it is so hardwired in us. Yet women are just expected to quietly put up with the quiet erosion of bodily autonomy which is absolutely soul destroying.

Show quote history

@fufulina

Your views are so extreme!

Some women like sex with our husbands. It’s not “societal hardwiring” - I have my own sex drive, I am an autonomous individual - I have sex because I like it and I want it. Stop making this seem like this is unusual or absurd.

Having kids does NOT have to mean you cannot maintain your sex life.

fufulina · 14/08/2025 14:27

HelpMeUnpickThis · 14/08/2025 14:21

@fufulina

Your views are so extreme!

Some women like sex with our husbands. It’s not “societal hardwiring” - I have my own sex drive, I am an autonomous individual - I have sex because I like it and I want it. Stop making this seem like this is unusual or absurd.

Having kids does NOT have to mean you cannot maintain your sex life.

Show quote history

But we are talking about an OP who doesn't want sex with her husband. I don't think it's extreme to say that it's OK not to have unwanted sex. I can appreciate that you think this is an extreme position. I disagree.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 14/08/2025 14:33

fufulina · 14/08/2025 14:27

But we are talking about an OP who doesn't want sex with her husband. I don't think it's extreme to say that it's OK not to have unwanted sex. I can appreciate that you think this is an extreme position. I disagree.

Show quote history

@fufulina except that I NEVER said she should have sex she doesn't want.

You keep posting the same silly bullish posts about unwanted sex.

The OP asked for suggestions to rekindle her sex life. I gave mine. I never said she should have sex she doesn't want.

You literally have a weird beef with me, based on things I did NOT ever say.

fufulina · 14/08/2025 14:43

HelpMeUnpickThis · 14/08/2025 14:33

@fufulina except that I NEVER said she should have sex she doesn't want.

You keep posting the same silly bullish posts about unwanted sex.

The OP asked for suggestions to rekindle her sex life. I gave mine. I never said she should have sex she doesn't want.

You literally have a weird beef with me, based on things I did NOT ever say.

Edited
Show quote history

So weird - you keep replying to my posts, so I reply. Isn't that how it's done? 'Silly posts about unwanted sex'. It may be silly to you, but I assure you it is insidious and soul destroying. And women not ven realising that saying no is ok is part of the problem.

TaupeMember · 14/08/2025 15:14

I think fufulina has some trauma or bad experiences but this is the wrong thread.

A couple of really useful posts earlier on

Anchorage56 · 14/08/2025 20:42

Yes I agree fufulina has perhaps experienced some trauma. If the OP is asking for advice on how to get the flame back then she does ultimately want a sexual relationship with her partner.

LoveLifeBeHappy · 03/03/2026 16:00

fufulina · 13/08/2025 05:40

Women spend so much time trying to ‘fix’ a waning libido. I notice men aren’t expected to ‘fix’ their higher libido. It doesn’t need fixing. You don’t want sex. That’s ok.

Time to separate or open the marriage then?

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