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Original poster

I have absolutely no interest in sex and need to find it again!

62 replies

finlaythecat · 13/08/2025 04:46

I’m 39, have 3yo and 6yo and been with husband for 16 years.
Ive always had a low sex drive but since the kids were born I have no interest at all. I coslept and breastfed them both and am coming out the other side of that now.
DH and I are less physically close now than we used to be, I think due to parenting life- Tired, touched out, busy, not prioritising our relationship.

he is kind and gentle and quite shy about sex, and a bit rubbish at talking about that kind of thing but he’s said he’d like to get back into having it to help us feel physically closer again. I totally agree with him that we need to put some work into this side of our relationship but I have absolutely no desire to have sex! Right now I can imagine never doing it again and that’d be fine with me. I really snapped tonight as he was stroking my leg, trying to initiate and o just felt so irritated.

please can anyone give some advice how to rekindle this part of our relationship after kids? Is this normal? I’ve almost got a mental block and can feel myself tensing up when I think it might be initiated. I cannot expect him to never have sex again, just because I don’t want to!!

OP posts:
Original poster
finlaythecat · 13/08/2025 10:39

AltiC · 13/08/2025 06:29

I recommend you (both) read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. She uses the terms accelerators/ brakes for things that make us more/ less inclined to be interested in sex (no surprise that feeling disconnected, resentful, tired, or having a list of chores that need doing are all 'brakes') so looking at how to reduce those. She also talks about the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire. If you're not currently experiencing spontaneous desire then you need to find things that trigger your responsive desire, an erotic book, your OH making an effort to look good, having a good time together laughing/ doing something fun or seeing him do something that makes you admire him/ feel proud of him, sensual touch (without pressure or expectation). It's more about you both cultivating situations that allow connection and desire to flourish and turning those into sensual encounters rather than you trying to make yourself available sex.

Thanks, I’ve just downloaded it.

OP posts:
Hdpr · 13/08/2025 10:47

I was a bit like this but have put a real effort in. I don’t think a marriage without sex is sustainable if one partner still wants it (and let’s face it most men at least do!). We’ve tried to go out for dinner more, dress up a bit, he puts more effort into appearance as I find it attractive, I’ve lost a bit of weight and feel better about myself and so on. It’s an important part of a relationship and I think it’s important to try and keep it going

HelpMeUnpickThis · 13/08/2025 10:50

fufulina · 13/08/2025 09:57

Plenty of women feel this way. It’s dressed up as ‘lie back and think of England’, or ‘maintenance sex’, but the reality is that society conspires to make sex a required part of a parenting relationship. I think we should question that more deeply. If lots of women don’t really want sex, who wins from that societal expectation?

@fufulina

Lots of women do want and enjoy sex though.

fufulina · 13/08/2025 10:56

HelpMeUnpickThis · 13/08/2025 10:50

@fufulina

Lots of women do want and enjoy sex though.

Show quote history

I’m talking about the significant proportion who don’t. And it is significant, otherwise the old tropes about sex in long term relationships wouldn’t exist.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 13/08/2025 10:59

fufulina · 13/08/2025 10:56

I’m talking about the significant proportion who don’t. And it is significant, otherwise the old tropes about sex in long term relationships wouldn’t exist.

Show quote history

@fufulina

Yeah but you are encouraging someone who previously enjoyed it, has a respectful partner and actually wants to work on it think that intimacy between married parents is abnormal / weird. It’s really not. How did the kids get there, otherwise?

mbonfield · 13/08/2025 11:37

Might be an idea to buy him some underwear that you think he will look good in as you said he has underwear with more holes in!
It is a small start but it may lead to something else.

AltiC · 13/08/2025 11:45

It's different, some people want to want sex and miss their libido and their sex life... and it's ok to miss it and recognise that it might take a bit of effort to regain your interest/ enthusiasm when life / kids / health matter etc have got in the way for a while.

Happy, healthy, willing sex (solo or partnered) is generally good for you, releases stress, oxytocin/ dopamine makes you feel happy and connected. It's good for your relationship. Sex doesn't have to mean PIV either, it can just be sensual intimacy too.

This is vastly different from being pressured or unwanted/ coerced sex in a relationship which is generally PIV / oral / being made to feel like an object and an orifice that someone uses. It goes without saying that noone should have to submit to that.

User415373 · 13/08/2025 11:53

Are you on hormonal contraception?
I just ask because I've been on it pretty much my whole adult hood and whilst I did enjoy sex I was rarely 'horny', I would almost have to force myself to start it then suddenly I'd be keen.
Anyway after my 2dc I felt the same as you, I also felt like I needed a break from hormonal contraception so I had my new implant removed.
For the first month I couldn't stop thinking about sex it was scary. All the time at work, anything I was doing I was thinking about sex.
It's settled down now (thankfully!) but now I feel like sex especially around ovulation. I have found it has really really helped jump start my drive again. I didn't know before how much hormonal birth control can affect sex drive.

fufulina · 13/08/2025 11:55

HelpMeUnpickThis · 13/08/2025 10:59

@fufulina

Yeah but you are encouraging someone who previously enjoyed it, has a respectful partner and actually wants to work on it think that intimacy between married parents is abnormal / weird. It’s really not. How did the kids get there, otherwise?

Edited
Show quote history

It is normal in long term relationships with small kids. And previously enjoying sex doesn’t mean you should have unwanted sex. That’s all I’m saying. And I’m encouraging women to think about the societal expectations put on them which may override their own willingness - or not - to have sex.

Gettingbysomehow · 13/08/2025 11:57

BabyCatFace · 13/08/2025 05:44

Except that her husband does, and if she doesn't find her way back to desire for him, he may leave her. So it's fine to make an effort to reconnect with her sexual side, and see if it can be done. It's not ok to unilaterally decide sex is off the table for both parties in a relationship and expect the other party to just accept that. If she wants to be celibate for the rest of her life that's fine, but she may need to accept that means no relationship either.

Show quote history

It's almost impossible to feel sexy again when all you've got is a threat that your partner will leave. It feels like you are being forced to do something against your will. How do priests manage celibacy without running away? They manage because they have a commitment to the priesthood. Why do men have no similar commitment to their wives and children?

labradormam · 13/08/2025 12:20

Been there.

I think you just need to bite the bullet.

I was putting it off and putting it off and dreading it after having 3 kids in fairly quick succession (time wasn’t on my side, biologically, so the conception of all 3 was quite militant).

After the birth of the 3rd we weren’t intimate for a long time and I didn’t miss it, wouldn’t have cared if I’d never had sex again.

I realised we really did need to get back on track. Getting back in the saddle the first time felt a bit cringey and awkward, but I really do think that the more you have sex, you more you want it.

So after we got over that first hurdle it was all fine.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 13/08/2025 12:25

fufulina · 13/08/2025 11:55

It is normal in long term relationships with small kids. And previously enjoying sex doesn’t mean you should have unwanted sex. That’s all I’m saying. And I’m encouraging women to think about the societal expectations put on them which may override their own willingness - or not - to have sex.

Show quote history

@fufulina

It is normal in long term relationships / during various stages of raising a family / health issues etc for sex drives to wax and wane.

It is perfectly normal for one party in the marriage to raise that they would like to improve things.

It is normal for the other party to consider this communication and communicate accordingly and do some self review.

It is NOT normal for ONE person in a TWO person marriage to unilaterally take sex off the table, without communication to / consideration of, the other person. We are talking about sex here but it’s the same principle for any other major issue in a marriage.

You are writing as though the husband is an unreasonable sex pest and she is being harassed night and day, groped in front of the kids, woken up by a non consensual sex act, raped …. that doesn't seem to be the case. She described him as “gentle”.

No one is advocating non-consensual or unwanted intimacy. No one. Definitely not me.

I am saying that relationships are fluid and need to be adjusted from time to time.

I am also saying there is nothing wrong with this DH wanting sex with his wife.

fufulina · 13/08/2025 12:27

HelpMeUnpickThis · 13/08/2025 12:25

@fufulina

It is normal in long term relationships / during various stages of raising a family / health issues etc for sex drives to wax and wane.

It is perfectly normal for one party in the marriage to raise that they would like to improve things.

It is normal for the other party to consider this communication and communicate accordingly and do some self review.

It is NOT normal for ONE person in a TWO person marriage to unilaterally take sex off the table, without communication to / consideration of, the other person. We are talking about sex here but it’s the same principle for any other major issue in a marriage.

You are writing as though the husband is an unreasonable sex pest and she is being harassed night and day, groped in front of the kids, woken up by a non consensual sex act, raped …. that doesn't seem to be the case. She described him as “gentle”.

No one is advocating non-consensual or unwanted intimacy. No one. Definitely not me.

I am saying that relationships are fluid and need to be adjusted from time to time.

I am also saying there is nothing wrong with this DH wanting sex with his wife.

Show quote history

I just said it’s ok not to have unwanted sex. I’ve clearly touched a nerve!

HelpMeUnpickThis · 13/08/2025 12:42

fufulina · 13/08/2025 12:27

I just said it’s ok not to have unwanted sex. I’ve clearly touched a nerve!

Show quote history

@fufulina

No nerves touched, thanks.

Your opening post was this:

"Women spend so much time trying to ‘fix’ a waning libido. I notice men aren’t expected to ‘fix’ their higher libido."

My next post was that unilateral decisions in a 2-person relationship don't work.

You are the one who kept coming back about "not having sex you don't want".

The title of this thread is about re-finding/ re-kindling her sex drive. That's what she asked.

I think maybe it touched a nerve for you, not me.

I will leave it here now with you - am de-railing OP's thread.

fufulina · 13/08/2025 12:44

The OP said she had zero desire for sex. I’m pointing out that it’s ok not to have unwanted sex. Actually, it’s quite damaging to have unwanted sex. Obviously - you do you - but this is a forum which welcomes many different perspectives. I’m giving mine.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 13/08/2025 12:51

fufulina · 13/08/2025 12:44

The OP said she had zero desire for sex. I’m pointing out that it’s ok not to have unwanted sex. Actually, it’s quite damaging to have unwanted sex. Obviously - you do you - but this is a forum which welcomes many different perspectives. I’m giving mine.

@fufulina

The irony of this back and forth between me and you is that I agree with your views. I just dont think that is the question that was asked.

fufulina · 13/08/2025 12:57

HelpMeUnpickThis · 13/08/2025 12:51

@fufulina

The irony of this back and forth between me and you is that I agree with your views. I just dont think that is the question that was asked.

Show quote history

🤣 I think sometimes it can be helpful to challenge a poster’s assumptions and have they have framed an OP. In this case it may be that subconscious - or consciously - the OP wants to override her lack of desire because she feels she should - she feels guilty, it’s what a ‘good wife’ does. And she clearly loves her DH. I’m challenging those inherent assumptions.

Lookingfornewdirection · 13/08/2025 13:02

OP, I think for me it is that me and my DH have lost emotional connection. We don't have real deep conversations, I feel like he doesn't even laugh at my jokes anymore like he once did. We are both tired from the daily grind. I also have resentments towards him because he hasn't been all I thought he would be as a father. I want a relationship where I want sex. I don't desire sex per se, as in I would never want a one night stand or a fuck buddy or so. But I do want to want sex with my partner.

I really don't know if there's coming back from this. We are amicable in our daily life and don't really fight or so. I still worry if our kids get a bad model of a relationship, because they don't see much physical closeness between us. A random hug or tiny kiss here and there. I do see some potential for us still and I want to try and work on things still. I'm not ready to give up on us yet and definitely don't want to live in some alternating weeks co-parenting situation while my kids are this young.

I think I will need to start from very practical steps - like book that dinner and babysitter and try and make that a regular things first. My DH will not do it on his own...and that is the type of thing my resentment comes from. But first thing we need I feel is just time together without kids. And not talking about kids either.

Anchorage56 · 13/08/2025 13:16

Gettingbysomehow · 13/08/2025 11:57

It's almost impossible to feel sexy again when all you've got is a threat that your partner will leave. It feels like you are being forced to do something against your will. How do priests manage celibacy without running away? They manage because they have a commitment to the priesthood. Why do men have no similar commitment to their wives and children?

Show quote history

Because they didnt know that was the commitment they would be making. To not have sex with their wives. Going into the priesthood you know what to expect.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 13/08/2025 13:17

fufulina · 13/08/2025 12:57

🤣 I think sometimes it can be helpful to challenge a poster’s assumptions and have they have framed an OP. In this case it may be that subconscious - or consciously - the OP wants to override her lack of desire because she feels she should - she feels guilty, it’s what a ‘good wife’ does. And she clearly loves her DH. I’m challenging those inherent assumptions.

Show quote history

@fufulina

And I am saying, (in a normal, respectful, balanced relationship - so no abuse, no pestering, no disrespect, no hassling, no boundaries breached) it is ok to put some work in to help your relationship if things have gone off kilter.

I am saying it is normal for things to tail off.

However it is also possible to take a step back (if you value the relationship) and realise that you can make the effort to hear what your partner is saying, self assess and then consider whether there is anything that can be done to meet somewhere in the middle (emphasis on "somewhere in the middle) and perhaps get a bit closer to where they used to be.

If she takes all the amazing advice on this thread and comes back and says "nope - no sex ever, never again, not for me" the only advice I would then post would be "communicate your position to your partner and set him free".

I agree with your challenges except that you didn't extrapolate on what would then happen in a 2 person relationship where a gentle, generally respectful man is saying he wants more intimacy. In my view there is nothing wrong with that and I stand by that

Then you then replied saying "don't have sex that you don't want" - OK FINE, I totally agree. But then what next? What then? At least I made some suggestions.

@fufulina I literally understand your view point I just feel that you didn't understand mine.

I will not derail the conversation further. Sorry @finlaythecat

I really will leave it here now.

Gettingbysomehow · 13/08/2025 14:19

Anchorage56 · 13/08/2025 13:16

Because they didnt know that was the commitment they would be making. To not have sex with their wives. Going into the priesthood you know what to expect.

Show quote history

In my view if you are a modern man you know there are going to be times when raising a family or the menopsuse when sex stops for a bit. It's been talked about enough. If they cut their partners a bit of slack it would probably start again. Why is it always up to us to fix it by having to force ourselves to have unwanted sex or take gallons of testosterone to feel it again.
If men want unlimited sex like they had in their 20s they shouldn't get married or commit to wives and children.they should go and see prostitutes or have short term relationships with 20 year olds.
Marriage is about give and take and fixing problems together as a couple.

Intothesunshine · 13/08/2025 14:21

You coslept, and for how long exactly, and where did your husband sleep?

Anchorage56 · 13/08/2025 14:37

Gettingbysomehow · 13/08/2025 14:19

In my view if you are a modern man you know there are going to be times when raising a family or the menopsuse when sex stops for a bit. It's been talked about enough. If they cut their partners a bit of slack it would probably start again. Why is it always up to us to fix it by having to force ourselves to have unwanted sex or take gallons of testosterone to feel it again.
If men want unlimited sex like they had in their 20s they shouldn't get married or commit to wives and children.they should go and see prostitutes or have short term relationships with 20 year olds.
Marriage is about give and take and fixing problems together as a couple.

Show quote history

Of course there is a big difference between periods of no sex, the normal ups and downs, compared to not wanting sex ever and expecting your husband to be ok never having sex again either!

fufulina · 13/08/2025 15:27

Anchorage56 · 13/08/2025 14:37

Of course there is a big difference between periods of no sex, the normal ups and downs, compared to not wanting sex ever and expecting your husband to be ok never having sex again either!

Show quote history

its a zero sum game. Either the woman has unwanted sex, or the man doesn’t have the sex he wants. Why are women always expected to take the hit on what they want? Why can’t men take the hit on what they want?

This idea of men ‘needing sex’, to the extent it is accepted they will leave their families for it is so hardwired in us. Yet women are just expected to quietly put up with the quiet erosion of bodily autonomy which is absolutely soul destroying.

Anchorage56 · 13/08/2025 15:30

fufulina · 13/08/2025 15:27

its a zero sum game. Either the woman has unwanted sex, or the man doesn’t have the sex he wants. Why are women always expected to take the hit on what they want? Why can’t men take the hit on what they want?

This idea of men ‘needing sex’, to the extent it is accepted they will leave their families for it is so hardwired in us. Yet women are just expected to quietly put up with the quiet erosion of bodily autonomy which is absolutely soul destroying.

Show quote history

There are plenty of sexless marriages so I'd say it's not always the men getting what they want. If two people arent matched to the point where one or both of them are unhappy then it's time to split.