Do couples usually plan for pregnancy or just let it happen?

[WinterContigency]

We’re both in our early 30s, in a long-term relationship, and lately it feels like everyone around us—best friends, relatives, coworkers—is announcing pregnancies(!)

We’re in a pretty good place financially (good paying steady jobs , remote as well), recently bought our first house, and live in a community full of kids and parents who basically look after all of them. The only thing holding us back right now is that we’d like to travel a bit more before starting a family but I wonder if then we will want to travel more and more and hit the..biological deadline.

It got me wondering: for most couples, is having a baby usually a deliberate, planned decision where you actively time things, or is it more about deciding to stop using contraception and seeing what happens over time?

Did you and your partner sit down, talk it through, and pick the “right time”? Or did you simply agree you were ready and let nature take its course?

My midwife told me that the stats show 50% of pregnancies are unplanned. But of course that’s not the same as unwanted

A lot of the first ones weren't really planned - in settled, committed relationships with plans for children in the future, but not yet. At least one was after sickness when taking the pill.

Ist pregnancy I always knew I would ideally like first child around 30 came off contraception lucky fell pregnant straight away. 2nd would ideally like 3 year gap came off contraception fell quickly with twins. 3rd came off contraception if it happened it happened fell pregnant quickly again.

I’m currently pregnant with our second child and both of our children have been planned pregnancies, as in my husband & I had discussed/agreed and started actively trying to conceive for both kids. Of our friends & from what we know I’d say it’s about a 80/20 split, 80% have been actively ttc, 20% have been surprise pregnancies.

If I were you though I’d be waiting for marriage before you think about kids unless you are the higher earner or have significant assets- it may just be a piece of paper but the protection it provides you especially if your career is going to take a hit for children is unmatched.

We’ve actively planned ttc. We are mid 30s, and feel settled. Long term relationship and recently married. We wanted to wait until after marriage.

You haven’t answered the question that the OP is asking though…

Coming off contraception and having regular sex is trying. Biologically there's no difference between regular unprotected sex whilst planning to conceive, and regular unprotected sex whilst "seeing what happens".

But yes, the most important part of your post is that you don't seem to be married. If you don't have plans to marry (or arrange legal agreements which give you an equivalent level of protection) then do this first. It doesn't need to be a fancy wedding, but you need that piece of paper.

I think I did. OP asked
deliberate, planned decision where you actively time things.
That was the first 2 pregnancys
simply agree you were ready and let nature take its course?
That was the 3rd pregnancy.

The only real difference between just ditching the contraception to see what happens and “actively trying for a baby” is whether you look out for and target your ovulation window and make sure you have sex during that period to maximise chances of conception.

If you’re having regular sex with your DP anyway and you ditch the contraception you aren’t really “seeing what happens” because you’re deliberately making it possible for you to conceive a baby….!

Planned both times. Talks about money, maternity leave, how we would finance everything, would I return to work part time, how would that work out. Cost of nursery place, kitting out for a baby, then the on-going costs of raising a child.

You haven't said if you are married. This could affect your position financially re pension, job and promotions and paying toward the mortgage. You need legal advice.

I returned part time which of course reduced my pension contribution into the pot. Then I became a sahm due to an incurable medical condition and I couldn't work. Neither of us knew about my medical condition when we married nor that it would dictate when we had children which it did. I had to be well to conceive. Hence all the planning.

I think it’s probably more the case that there are different levels of “planning for a baby” which will largely be dictated by how individuals generally plan for life events generally. For some couples it will be done with the same robust approach to practicality as they approach any other major life decision: looking carefully at finances, doing Excel calculations with their ongoing and outgoings and factoring in the impact on that of maternity leave, talking about ideal age spacing between children, considering what big events they have in the next couple of years and deciding to time TTC to fit etc. For others it will be more of a looking at the picture if their loves and agreeing “let’s do it! I think we’re in a broadly good place financially, and we can cross most of the other bridges when we come to them, you can’t plan out every eventuality after all.” Both are essentially “planning a pregnancy.”

All my children have been planned. Life might have not agreed with our plans and things didn't happen when we wanted but we sat down and discussed when we wanted children before we get married so we were both on the same page. We knew there were a few things we wanted before children (to be married, own a house - ideally bigger than a starter home, have had a few holidays/visits to DH's family aboard). We also had financial considerations to take into account - we needed to save for maternity leave as we couldn't afford to live on DH's salary

edit to add: it was similar with our friends. Usually the unplanned babies were 2nd or 3rd when they had decided to not have anymore.

We did have a conversation that we wanted children and decided to stop using contraception, but we didn't have a masterplan, as in we will try for a baby after we've achieved xyz.
But we were married and had bought our first house together and had good jobs so felt secure.
In a way we were naive about having a baby in terms of finances, exhaustion and life as you know it being completely up ended!
But there's always a reason why now isn't the right time.
In your shoes and age I would have have the amazing holiday/experience within the next year and then start trying to conceive.

If you stop taking contraception you are trying for a baby. You can't actually time when you get pregnant! I know a couple of people who came off the pill expecting it to take months and fell pregnant the first month.

Obviously if you make an effort to have sex around ovulation you make it more likely, but nature takes care of that and makes you more up for it anyway, so...

I'm in my 5th pregnancy (but will be our 2nd child providing nothing goes wrong in the next 6 weeks). The first was IUI, all subsequent ones IVF. So definitely planned!

i don’t really understand your post because even letting nature take it’s course is TTC.

TTC doesn’t mean you’re using ovulation kits and strategically planning that sperm meets egg.

If you are having sex with no protection, you are trying to have a baby.

You can ‘see how things go’ and end up pregnant that cycle.

There isn’t really a lesser, halfway ground. You’re trying or you aren’t.

Yeah, but a good proportion of kids show up despite protection.

DD certainly did, despite both condoms and the pill.

Edit: For that matter, so did I

Coming off contraception and having regular sex is trying. This 100%!

My ones were planned but there is an element of just jump. There is rarely a perfect time and it's always possible to find an excuse - after one more trip, if it happened now it would be in the middle of a work project, I wanted to repaint the guest bedroom we should do that first.

There was a study where they asked people to rate aspects of their life and parents scored significantly worse in every category - less sleep, less money, less free time, more stress - but were overall happier. If you did a pro and cons list for having a baby I think cons would always win

That said I knew I wanted a life with kids if possible. If there had been problems I wanted time to try and correct them ie ivf so didn't want to start too late. I found out I was pregnant just before I turned 30.

So yes both planned but neither were at the perfect time where the stars aligned. Both we came of contraception, it happened when it happened and we made it work.

We actively planned and most people I know did the same (or claim to!). Most of the announcements come shortly after some relevant life event (engagement, wedding, moving from a flat to a house etc) which suggests planning.

We discussed it at different times. Before getting engaged, we established we wanted to get married and spend a year or two travelling before having a baby. Then covid happened and we discussed keeping our wedding date the same but TTC straight after, which is what we did.

We planned both. I had an IUD so had it removed only when we decided we could
manage 2. Financially (childcare!) and when DD1 was manageable enough that we could have another.

Who actually goes around asking couples if their baby was unplanned or not. Ridiculous! I wouldn’t believe a word of it.
many responsible person plans a pregnancy. I don’t know why you are asking.

DC1 - loosely planned. We had the chat about being ready, booked one last big f-off long haul, adult focused holiday and i came off contraception. I Didn't expect to get pregnant the very next month. Didnt expect that all!

DC 2 (after 2 losses) was deliberate, intentional and absolutely calculated.

Good luck.

It took 9 years for my husband to persuade me to have a baby, and 2 weeks to fall pregnant. (I thought I’d get months in which to change my mind. 🫤)

I'd always been diligent about contraception until we wanted a family. I started folic acid and we booked to see our GP. I grew up abroad and there, its common to have a pre-conception appointment. I think they check both our vaccinations are up to date and if there was anything we should have/do BEFORE TTC. My UK GP looked at me sideways like I was some odd ball wasting her time.

12mth TTC and nothing so went back to the GP. A locum was there and said I was 1 week too early for any testing and to try to relax. Well, I wasn't stressed at that point! Finally had a Day 21 blood test done- it was normal- yet again, nothing further was done.

Long story short, we TTC 12yrs, lost 3, rounds of IVF and no cause for problems ever found. We have no living children, but in our case, yes, we certainly did plan for them.