Do couples usually plan for pregnancy or just let it happen?

[WinterContigency]

We’re both in our early 30s, in a long-term relationship, and lately it feels like everyone around us—best friends, relatives, coworkers—is announcing pregnancies(!)

We’re in a pretty good place financially (good paying steady jobs , remote as well), recently bought our first house, and live in a community full of kids and parents who basically look after all of them. The only thing holding us back right now is that we’d like to travel a bit more before starting a family but I wonder if then we will want to travel more and more and hit the..biological deadline.

It got me wondering: for most couples, is having a baby usually a deliberate, planned decision where you actively time things, or is it more about deciding to stop using contraception and seeing what happens over time?

Did you and your partner sit down, talk it through, and pick the “right time”? Or did you simply agree you were ready and let nature take its course?

I would think the vast majority of babies born to couples are planned. Even if just by the woman. There is very little reason to get pregnant accidently, as contraception is widely available for free, and it's very reliable.

I do know quite a number of women who 'accidently' fell pregnant. And claimed it was 'such a shock.'

Most couples would need to plan for it of course, because you both need to be on board, but as I say, even in some couples that have not planned it, it's often the case that the woman did.

Like a pp said, I don't believe that 50% couples tell midwives that their baby was unplanned. (as another poster claimed.) Why would the couple tell anyone that? And why would the midwife ask?!

Who actually goes around asking? You quoted a post talking about a midwife, whose job literally is to do just that!

I was definitely asked if we were trying to conceive and if I’d been doing the recommended things while trying (taking folic acid, healthy diet, quitting smoking etc).

But stopping contraception is deciding to have a child. My DH and I wanted children and as I married at 40 no time to waste! But we just stopped contraception and had sex a lot - we didn’t do any more ‘planning’ than that.
Mind you we were in a very good financial position. I can see couples holding off until their careers were at X point it they’d bought a house or whatever, but I’m not sure that people actually sit down and work it out til the nth detail, and certainly no one in my circle ‘announced’ that they were trying.

Agree- I’m currently pregnant with my second baby and both pregnancies in booking appointment the midwife has asked if it was a planned pregnancy as they then ask about folic acid etc, so they definitely do ask.

Really? That’s quite an intrusive question.

First two were planned, third was an unexpected but happy surprise

It’s a relevant question for a midwife to ask for lots of reasons.

Ideally you’d start taking folic acid around 3 months before you actively start trying to conceive, you’d also quit smoking, stop drinking, if you’re on any medication for example or have any other health conditions you’d have looked into the impacts of those on a pregnancy if you were actively planning one. If you weren’t planning one and so haven’t done those things then your midwife can assist with that, or note any risks to your pregnancy as a result so that you can access support if needed.

There’s also the social factors, an unplanned pregnancy could also potentially come with insecure housing, finances, relationships etc- again if your midwife is aware of those things they can signpost you to the relevant support and ensure you do receive any support you may need.

You can still travel when pregnant or with a baby just be careful of malaria and Zika. If there are any places you want to go where these are risks, book that trip, then stop using contraception after

I get really impatient with the idea that stopping contraception isn’t ’deciding to have a baby’. Unless you’re celibate, that’s exactly what stopping contraception means.

And yes, responsible people plan. You’re making a new human being here, not deciding between Indian and Thai takeaway.

Yes, medical professionals tend to need to ask intrusive questions when trying to provide any kind of care.

If you’re implying that you think it’s not a relevant question for a midwife to ask, I don’t really understand why you’d think that. A patient who was TTC is likely happy to be pregnant, has likely already got their health needs in order and probably is generally informed of the pregnancy pathway.
That’s hugely different to the care that might be needed for someone who might not be thrilled to be pregnant, might have health or relationship or lifestyle issues they suddenly need to deal with quickly and who might not know anything about what they need to do next.

You can't plan exactly - you might fall pregnant first month, sixth month or 18th month. We agreed that we wanted to try for our first and then the rest was luck (eight months trying - due to my age gp started tests at six months and these showed I wasn't ovulating but then the next month I clearly did!). Second one was an unplanned blessing.

Only stopped using contraception when we definitely wanted a child. Good job, because I got pregnant on the first cycle of trying,

We knew we wanted to have a child. I'd just returned from working abroad in NYC and said I was thinking of coming off my contraception so we could start trying. That happened and I got pregnant immediately 😅. I did expect it to take longer but we were in a fairly good place - though I don't think we'd have bought a project house if we'd known it would happen so quickly. But it isn't a major 'can't live there with a baby' sort of project - so here I am with a beautiful six month old!

I get really impatient with the idea that stopping contraception isn’t ’deciding to have a baby’. Unless you’re celibate, that’s exactly what stopping contraception means.

I generally haven't been on contraception when not in a relationship- mostly I was celibate, and the odd one-night-stand used condoms against STIs as much as pregancy, but there were times I was tempted not to, and there are plenty of unplanned babies every year, some even while using contraception. Taking a risk and hoping you don't conceive definitely isn't the same as trying for a baby. It might be daft and risky, but it's not trying for a baby. Trying for a baby implies you actively want to get pregnant and are probably taking folic acid, maybe tracking ovulation and so on.

Plus no contraception is 100% effective, except total abstinence- i had a friend with a pill baby, and a coil baby...

Respectfully, a sperm meeting an egg doesn’t know whether it’s done so after months or years of ovulation tracking, vitamins or folic acid, or a broken condom. Conception happens just the same.

To answer your question I suppose we did plan in that I came off the pill but we certainly didn’t track ovulation etc and just had the attitude of go with the flow and see what happens. Much less pressure and not so clinical in my opinion. I got pregnant within 2 months, then fell pregnant with my second when first baby was only 3 months old

Of course, but it doesn't mean the brain end of the human was trying to conceive.

We talked about it and planned the right time, twice

Even by deciding to see what happens, you are actively planning to TTC. Otherwise, you would be using contraception to avoid a pregnancy.

We took that approach with DC2, that we would see how it goes, but we also waited until we were at a point where I was ready for a second child and used contraception until then.

Duplicate.

I suppose deciding to stop using contraception still feels like an intentional decision to me even if you’re not actively timing things. I am a similar age and loads of my friends are pregnant/recently had babies/TTC. The ones I’ve spoken in detail about it with tend to have tracked their fertility with an app. I just came off contraception about 5 months ago and haven’t been paying too much attention to timing of sex and tbh haven’t been having that much due to other stuff going on - but now I think I will try to make sure we’re having sex at the right time as it could easily be a year and we might have only actually had sex on fertile days a handful of times without knowing. So I’d rather track it so that I know whether to be worried or not.

First time - planned, but took nearly a year.

Second time - absolutely not planned in the sense we weren’t TTC (we were tracking to avoid likely pregnancy dates) but we always knew we wanted a second, it was just sooner than planned as I ovulated very late that month. Think we would have started actively trying a year later had fate not intervened. When asked by the midwife I think we said something like ‘not planned but very much wanted’.

Both DC have proven to me (a Type-A plans everything woman who thinks she can control everything in life 😂) that babies tend to come when they want to if you’re having regular sex - some sooner than planned and some later!

Both of ours were planned, people assumed our first was an accident due to the fact we'd been together 11 months and were"young" (we were 24), our 2nd was a honeymoon baby 2 years later.

One DS on board. We came off contraception and decided we will be happy if we had baby. I convinced within a few months.
I have 3 siblings. 2 of them weren't planned but loved very much.

We are only a few months in but we have had the conversation that we would both like to have a baby ‘at some point’. Our circumstances mean we can’t move in together for another 2 years. Then my age (mid-30s) means we can’t wait much longer than that. So I suspect we will start TTC a few months after moving in together if living together is going well.

At your age, I would enjoy a couple more years of childfree travel and fun, and also accelerate savings. Good luck.