Wow Mumsnet. So much for "We believe her"

RenaultClio · 2025-08-09T06:25:15+00:00

My thread on consent in marriage has been taken down. Thanks for that. Thanks to the posters who did believe what I said, who were able to bear with me during my disbelief and who were able to offer advice. I do appreciate it and would have said that more on the thread once I had calmed down a bit after people telling me my husband had been raping me which obviously isn't very nice to hear even though I knew something was "off". But apparently it's more important to troll hunt than believe what a woman who has used mumsnet for 20 years has said and wants advice about. Well done. I'm now upset because it's dawned on me that my relationship is actually abusive and also that women and a forum I thought I could trust I can no longer trust.

jackstini · 09/08/2025 07:30

Sorry this has upset you
i commented on your previous thread and do believe you.

Hopefully Mumsnet can delete the problem posts and get it back up for you if that’s what you want?

So sorry you are going through this. You must be in shock, worried, disappointed, sad and needing some support 💐

Hopefully you will get some on this thread

Have you spoken to him yet?

tripleginandtonic · 09/08/2025 07:33

Very gently OP, surely having been on mumsnet for 20 years you have come across threads where women have had their partners touch them in their sleep before? I certainly have in less than 20 years.
Why can't you talk to your husband about this? That's what you need to think about. Is he such a nice man in other ways as you're trying to present

Original poster

RenaultClio · 09/08/2025 07:33

Thank you yes I'm all of those emotions with maybe a bit of rage sneaking in too.
I haven't spoken to himhes not awake yet!
Honestly I think he'd be devastated to hear me call him a rapist. I obviously need to address this though.

OP posts:

SoScarletItWas · 09/08/2025 07:39

I read your earlier thread. Perhaps it was reported as being triggering for SA rather than people disbelieving you.

I believe you.

And you definitely need to tell him it’s not ok. I probably wouldn’t use the rape accusations in that conversation (technically it’s correct but it won’t get you a productive discussion) but I’d open up a conversation about our sex life and how we both feel about it.

Original poster

RenaultClio · 09/08/2025 07:39

tripleginandtonic · 09/08/2025 07:33

Very gently OP, surely having been on mumsnet for 20 years you have come across threads where women have had their partners touch them in their sleep before? I certainly have in less than 20 years.
Why can't you talk to your husband about this? That's what you need to think about. Is he such a nice man in other ways as you're trying to present

Edited

I don't specifically recall other threads like this... I guess I don't look out for them because until recently I didn't feel like it applied to me or that I have anything to add. Obviously I've name changed for this subject but I was here long before snapped and farted, penis beaker, the elderly Korean lady. Mexican house theif etc. I also shouldn't have to 'prove' my credentials like this?! There was that whole Mumsnet we believe her campaign which is clearly bullshit. Surely its better to leave a possibly untrue thread up (with some good advice!) Than risk upsetting further women like me and sending the message to others that actually... despite what we said... you actually won't be believed until "MNHQ can take a look". Even if the thread were fake (its not) it could help other women like me?
I guess the point it that I'm sitting here feeling a million things none of which are very nice at all and now I feel I have to defend myself too. I guess it ever was thus.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 09/08/2025 07:40

Was the thread going to end up full of holes with deletions? Those are probably what silenced your thread. Probably intended like that, there's a weird invasion going on.

Any man who touches their partner when they're asleep is guilty of sexual assault. who cares if it devastates him. Bugger needs telling.

KitsyWitsy · 09/08/2025 07:42

There are so many posts about this kind of behaviour that I’m really shocked after 20 years you haven’t seen any?

Suggesting to the forum that lots of women must also put up with it, normalises this kind of abuse and encourages young women to think it’s normal and also put up with it. Of course it’s not in anyway normal and saying that it’s similar to sex being ‘a chore’ doesn’t help. I’m sure lots of us have had sex we didn’t particularly fancy for the benefit of our partners but that is not the same as non-consensual midnight groping!

AnonAnonmystery · 09/08/2025 07:43

I was trying to post when your post was taken @RenaultClio i thiink you know deep down in your heart this is wrong which is why you are posting, My partner has always said he’d never want me to have sex with him if I didn’t want to. Sometimes I will have sex because I know after 5 mins I’ll really enjoy it and won’t be in a rush for it to stop. There is a big difference in maintenance sex and non consensual sex. If you are putting a pillow on your head, you physically and mentally do not want to be there. It will grind you down and you will remain totally confused.
I will explain your confusion - he’s great outside of the bedrooM and all your friends and your family think he’s wonderful. You cannot equate this with what he does to you behind your closed bedroom door. This is the contradiction in behaviour. He should be your safe person but he’s not.

Please just let posts sink in. There is no pressure but you need to explore and understand this behaviour. I am very sorry for you. How long has he been doing this or is this a recent thing?

jackstini · 09/08/2025 07:44

You do need to address it, and you with both probably get very upset when you do

You say he’s a great husband in every other way so it’s possible you can get past this - only you can decide that - but,

He needs to own what he was doing, agree it was absolutely wrong and promise to never do it again

I’ve been on here 20 years too and Mumsnet has changed a lot in that time, but there will be support on here from some

Keep posting and here’s a very unmumsnetty hug 🤗

Original poster

RenaultClio · 09/08/2025 07:45

I'm not normalising it. I was literally asking whether it was normal because I felt it might not be?!? But thanks... once again.. for making me feel like shit. I really dont know what else to say to you. You didn't believe me on the other thread, you're doing it again here. Why you're trying to repeatedly go after me is a mystery.

OP posts:

AnonAnonmystery · 09/08/2025 07:49

@RenaultClio I don’t think anyone is going after you. It’s good you’ve asked it was normal and natural to ask as you’ve been with your husband 20 years and needed a sense check. You honestly haven’t done anything wrong.Take the support from kind posters and ignore the other ones. It should be a safe space for you to talk without judgement x

Original poster

RenaultClio · 09/08/2025 07:50

AnonAnonmystery · 09/08/2025 07:43

I was trying to post when your post was taken @RenaultClio i thiink you know deep down in your heart this is wrong which is why you are posting, My partner has always said he’d never want me to have sex with him if I didn’t want to. Sometimes I will have sex because I know after 5 mins I’ll really enjoy it and won’t be in a rush for it to stop. There is a big difference in maintenance sex and non consensual sex. If you are putting a pillow on your head, you physically and mentally do not want to be there. It will grind you down and you will remain totally confused.
I will explain your confusion - he’s great outside of the bedrooM and all your friends and your family think he’s wonderful. You cannot equate this with what he does to you behind your closed bedroom door. This is the contradiction in behaviour. He should be your safe person but he’s not.

Please just let posts sink in. There is no pressure but you need to explore and understand this behaviour. I am very sorry for you. How long has he been doing this or is this a recent thing?

Thank you. You're right its very confusing.
As for how long its been happening... I mean I dont know because to be totally honest I can't recall ... its definitely happened twice in the last two weeks but there have definitely been "off" times before... I just put it behind me and moved on. We've been having difficulties in other areas more recently and I thought at first that maybe I noticed it happeneing because I was upset with him already and I was just looking for something to moan about and then I began to wonder which is why I posted here this morning.

OP posts:

myplace · 09/08/2025 07:50

I’m sorry that you are going through this. I think everyone feels there man is different, he wouldn’t.

And we all need to believe we are safe with our partners so we tend to assume the women who weren’t somehow failed to keep themselves safe in some way that we wouldn’t. It’s a mental security blanket that lets us sleep at night next to someone who can overpower us.

I hope that this thread stays and you get a chance to work through how you feel.

I suggest you ignore posts that don’t help you. It’s the easiest way to keep a thread working for you.

Original poster

RenaultClio · 09/08/2025 07:52

AnonAnonmystery · 09/08/2025 07:49

@RenaultClio I don’t think anyone is going after you. It’s good you’ve asked it was normal and natural to ask as you’ve been with your husband 20 years and needed a sense check. You honestly haven’t done anything wrong.Take the support from kind posters and ignore the other ones. It should be a safe space for you to talk without judgement x

The Kitsy poster is. She's the one that accused me of hoaxing on my first thread and is now accusing me of normalising things on this one. You're right though, clearly better ignored.

OP posts:

myplace · 09/08/2025 07:53

RenaultClio · 09/08/2025 07:50

Thank you. You're right its very confusing.
As for how long its been happening... I mean I dont know because to be totally honest I can't recall ... its definitely happened twice in the last two weeks but there have definitely been "off" times before... I just put it behind me and moved on. We've been having difficulties in other areas more recently and I thought at first that maybe I noticed it happeneing because I was upset with him already and I was just looking for something to moan about and then I began to wonder which is why I posted here this morning.

Show quote history

He might not understand his own motivations. He could be trying to reassure himself of your connection if he feels he’s losing influence in other areas. But that’s a kind way of phrasing it. I could say ‘reassert authority or ownership’.

ThatCyanCat · 09/08/2025 07:54

I'm sorry that happened to you. I saw several non abusive posts deleted last night (one mine, the others not) so I wonder if there's a trigger-happy addition to the team. Definitely not an incentive to go premium.

I hope you can get the support you need now and I wish you well.

JustAboutMuddlingThrough · 09/08/2025 07:55

I believe you. I had the same thing happen to me. I won’t go into full detail on here because it’s now in the hands of the Police, but I have a post on the legal section under Any Police officers about. If you want to take a look at it

AnonAnonmystery · 09/08/2025 07:57

So do you think if you’ve had other problem s in the relationship that this has impacted your normal consensual sex with your partner … so he’s decided to address it by taking what he wants in this dark way? It’s just a theory of why it’s frequently happened. By the way, you are well within your rights when there are issues or what ever other reason not to have sex with your partner! No should be enough. You not moving during sex during your first post - he would have known and felt through no reciprocation on your part that you didn’t consent? He ignored it.

KitsyWitsy · 09/08/2025 07:58

Just ignore me then but I’m entitled to my opinion. Maybe I shouldn’t have ‘trollhunted’ so I apologise for that, however I just find it so frustrating on here lately that amount of disrespect and abuse women are taking from men. It absolutely appalls me.

You said you’ve been here for 20 years and you’re obviously educated and literate so I just found it particularly odd that you would suggest his treatment of you is okay and we all must do it to please our partners. You did say that. That sex is a chore sometimes. Yes, you’re right but not how you describe. Not at all.

I hope you figure this all out and get support. Don’t put up with it ever again.

RonaldMcDonald · 09/08/2025 07:58

I believe you and i believed you on the post. I’m sorry people said things you weren’t ready to hear. I should have been more gentle.
Please go and speak this through with a women’s abuse charity or Rape Crisis they will give you the time and space you need to work through this safely and supported 1-2-1
I’m sorry the post was removed. You will not be the only mumsnetter this is happening to. Sending you all my very best for what has been and will be a very tough time,

AnonAnonmystery · 09/08/2025 08:01

I am glad you reposted as I read your first post and I had no reason not to believe you. Please do not be afraid of people in real life believing you either x

Original poster

RenaultClio · 09/08/2025 08:02

AnonAnonmystery · 09/08/2025 07:57

So do you think if you’ve had other problem s in the relationship that this has impacted your normal consensual sex with your partner … so he’s decided to address it by taking what he wants in this dark way? It’s just a theory of why it’s frequently happened. By the way, you are well within your rights when there are issues or what ever other reason not to have sex with your partner! No should be enough. You not moving during sex during your first post - he would have known and felt through no reciprocation on your part that you didn’t consent? He ignored it.

I dont know why he did it. It didn't feel malicious as such, it wasn't particularly violent. With hindsight... I have no idea what he was thinking! I mean, I was totally still, how can that even be enjoyable for him? I genuinely can't imagine what was in his head and worryingly he was turned on enough by a completely inert body to finish. How can that be a good thing?

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myplace · 09/08/2025 08:03

@KitsyWitsy so you should understand the boiling frog analogy. You aren’t helping anyone. You are effectively telling women they should know better that it wouldn’t happen to you because you wouldn’t let it… victim blaming.
Always report behind the scenes so that MN can check the user history. Always.

myplace · 09/08/2025 08:04

It’s really upsetting when we realise that men see our enjoyment and engagement as an optional extra.

Original poster

RenaultClio · 09/08/2025 08:04

God. The boiling frog analogy. It is EXACTLY that.

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