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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

Wow Mumsnet. So much for "We believe her"

46 replies

RenaultClio · 09/08/2025 07:25

My thread on consent in marriage has been taken down. Thanks for that.
Thanks to the posters who did believe what I said, who were able to bear with me during my disbelief and who were able to offer advice. I do appreciate it and would have said that more on the thread once I had calmed down a bit after people telling me my husband had been raping me which obviously isn't very nice to hear even though I knew something was "off".
But apparently it's more important to troll hunt than believe what a woman who has used mumsnet for 20 years has said and wants advice about. Well done. I'm now upset because it's dawned on me that my relationship is actually abusive and also that women and a forum I thought I could trust I can no longer trust.

OP posts:

AnonAnonmystery · 09/08/2025 08:07

@RenaultClio it’s an awful thing. He basically treated you as an object. He didn’t care you were not reciprocating as this was about HIM getting what HE wants.
Please don’t blame yourself if your body reacted in a way that it would when you were consensual - ie you got wet, or you came, it’s quite normal even in these circumstances but it’s not to be confused with consent.

Diarygirlqueen · 09/08/2025 08:10

@myplace totally agree.

Confabulations · 09/08/2025 08:14

I was about to report that poster for troll hunting when the thread disappeared. It is worth asking MN to reinstate it with the troll hunters removed. Sometimes if they get enough reports, they are automatically hidden until someone can look properly.

I am guessing this may be the tip of the iceberg given your response to the boiling frog comment? There is a gulf between having occasional 'maintenance' sex, which is fairly normal though still not ideal and sex where you are putting a pillow over your head and trying to dissociate from what is being done to you.

4forksache · 09/08/2025 08:16

Sorry you had a hard time op. What I want you to think about is if there is anything else in your relationship you are putting up with, but to anyone else wouldn’t be acceptable? Doors anything else seem “off”?

4forksache · 09/08/2025 08:16

Neededa · 09/08/2025 08:26

I didn’t read your thread, but please be assured that threads are pulled for all sorts of reasons.
It really doesn’t necessarily mean that MNHQ, or any of the amazing women on here don’t believe you.
We do
We’re here
We’re listening

FartNRoses · 09/08/2025 08:38

RenaultClio · 09/08/2025 08:02

I dont know why he did it. It didn't feel malicious as such, it wasn't particularly violent. With hindsight... I have no idea what he was thinking! I mean, I was totally still, how can that even be enjoyable for him? I genuinely can't imagine what was in his head and worryingly he was turned on enough by a completely inert body to finish. How can that be a good thing?

Show quote history

Op, this is about power and control.

BustyLaRoux · 09/08/2025 08:48

Sorry what happened? I didn’t see the thread before it was taken down. Sounds like the OP’s ‘D’H had sex with her when she was asleep (or pretending to be asleep?) and had a pillow over her head. And that possibly this has been happening for years?? Is that right?
And then she came here to ask if it was normal and found it hard to accept it was technically rape (which is understandable as it must be difficult to come to terms with) as otherwise he is a “nice guy”. And that a few posters had a go at her! I can’t understand why anyone would say this poor woman isn’t to be believed or is to blame in any way. What’s wrong with people?

ShoeeMcfee · 09/08/2025 08:52

I was not online last night, but I'm sorry about the thread removal, Op and I'm sorry about what is obviously being done to you. When it was being done to me by my ex, I didn't even realise that it was abusive. But then again he wasn't very nice in a lot of ways to put it kindly.

I do hope your talk with him changes his behaviour. Is he really ok in every other area?

DailyLaundry · 09/08/2025 08:56

Neededa · 09/08/2025 08:26

I agree. I had one pulled about child bedwetting taken down once because there was a 'piss troll' doing the rounds (not me! ) .

Not believing a real person isn't quite the same as trying to ascertain if a post is genuine or not. Good luck though.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 09/08/2025 08:59

I didn't read your thread OP. Perhaps it's better to speak to professionals who can help you clarify what happened and discuss how best to approach it: https://rapecrisis.org.uk/ Rape Crisis have webchat if you want to talk now and are available 24/7.

Rape Crisis England & Wales

Rape Crisis England & Wales is the feminist charity working to end child sexual abuse, rape, sexual assault, sexual harassment and all other forms of sexual violence.

https://rapecrisis.org.uk

GlitchStitch · 09/08/2025 09:05

I didn't see your previous thread but I know sometimes Nightwatch hide threads if they are concerned about some of the posts, until MNHQ are around. So it could just be something like that. I hope you're okay.

MNHQ

KimMumsnet · 09/08/2025 09:08

Good morning, @RenaultClio . We're sorry for any distress caused after your thread was hidden last night - we've now reinstated it. As you can imagine, we do often need to double-check sensitive threads to make sure all is above board, and that was the case here.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 09/08/2025 09:09

💐 🫂 xx

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 09/08/2025 09:10

Neededa · 09/08/2025 08:26

❤️

BitOutOfPractice · 09/08/2025 09:13

KitsyWitsy · 09/08/2025 07:58

Just ignore me then but I’m entitled to my opinion. Maybe I shouldn’t have ‘trollhunted’ so I apologise for that, however I just find it so frustrating on here lately that amount of disrespect and abuse women are taking from men. It absolutely appalls me.

You said you’ve been here for 20 years and you’re obviously educated and literate so I just found it particularly odd that you would suggest his treatment of you is okay and we all must do it to please our partners. You did say that. That sex is a chore sometimes. Yes, you’re right but not how you describe. Not at all.

I hope you figure this all out and get support. Don’t put up with it ever again.

Being appalled at the abuse of women is one thing. We all are. Consistently following a distressed poster around into another thread who has said you are not welcome, and accusing her of normalising rape is a strange way of showing it.

@RenaultClio Im so sorry this is happening to you. There is plenty of support on mn for you I’m sure. What a pity you’ve had to search through the nonsense to find it.

Nestingbirds · 09/08/2025 09:14

You have been here for 20 years op, you know it’s a supportive forum. I am so sorry this was not your experience this time.

You will be in shock. Raw and feeling understandably hurt your previous thread was deleted. You deserve the support you need to face this huge issue with your dh.

What feels to be the next step for you now you are aware of what he is doing to you? We are here for you op 💐

Original poster

RenaultClio · 09/08/2025 10:42

Thanks for the helpful posts. I dont think I can reply any more. I'm shattered and haven't really got much to add. Maybe this thread will be useful for someone else. I hope that others can understand that things aren't always clear cut and using the boiling frog analogy someone pointed out actually makes things hard to understand sometimes. I don't think I'll return to this board, the troll hunting and enabling of that by Mumsnet was incredibly upsetting at a time when I just needed a sense check and a bit of support.
@KimMumsnet I really think you shouldn't pull threads on this subject until you can PROVE there might be something amiss, it sends the utterly wrong message and has made a bad situation for me a lot worse. To have to prove my worth after as what I now understand has been at least an assault is exactly the reason why women don't come forward and I think Mumsnet has enabled and supported that by pulling my thread and checking it first despite my trying to show I have been a regular poster by naming classic threads from over theyears (which I shouldn't have had to do to be believed).
I would like this thread to remain in case it helps someone else.
Again, thank you to those who have taken the time and effort to support.

OP posts:

AnonAnonmystery · 09/08/2025 11:14

@RenaultClio I am really sorry you’ve been let down by mumsnet which is a chat forum you trusted. Feel free to pm me if you’ve like to talk one to one as I really do feel you need support. You may feel differently in a few days and come back to the thread to take the support and listening ears that are available. Please take care x

MJ1980 · 09/08/2025 11:20

I hope you are ok op. Sending you a virtual hug x

tripleginandtonic · 09/08/2025 11:29

I think you're blaming anonymous people on mumsnet to deflect from blaming your "dh" OP. Most posters have been supportive and mumsnet HQ have apologised and reinstated the thread.

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