Heartbroken by the love of my life.

[Notsospark]

I’ve never posted on anything like this before but I’m so devastated that I need to talk.
Last night, my partner ended our 5 year relationship. My world feels like it has shattered. He is the love of my life and I thought we’d be forever. We were together when we were younger then went our separate ways for 21 years. We found each other again during Covid and declared our love for each other. We’d still loved each other for all this time and I was the happiest girl in the world. Within 6 weeks of us getting back in touch, he moved up and rented a flat near me in the midlands from where he was living down South.
After 6 months, we lived together. I had been in serious relationships during the 21 years we hadn’t seen each other, whereas he’d only had one serious ish relationship that had lasted a year. He didn’t live with this girl. He told me when we got back together that he’s never settled with anyone as it was always me that he loved.

He has always been one for his mates- only really went on stag doos before we got back together, and I had always jokingly called him Peter Pan as I said he’d never grow up.
Things were great at first, then real life hit. He never allowed us to do anything with his mates and their wives/girfriends. I was very much kept separate from all that. I only saw his friends once in the 5 years.

He played football, had a season ticket to watch football and played with his mate on the PlayStation every Thursday night without fail with him being unhappy if I disturbed him whilst he played.

We enjoyed hobbies together like bike riding, camping and loved watching planes. I love holidays abroad whereas he don’t really like the sun. We’d go on one holiday a year but he moaned about the heat. Although he’s happy to play football in 30 degree heat.

Things haven’t been great for a few months. We had agreed to talk to each other tonight- we’ve never been great at talking but I had faith in the fact that we’d be able to work out our issues.
Yet when I got home from work yesterday, his stuff was packed up and gone.
He’d planned with his Sister to take his stuff to hers and had arranged to go down South to stay with his Parents- all behind my back. He acted completely normal when I left the house for work- gave me a kiss etc yet he knew what he was gonna do. He arranged all this whilst letting me think we were gonna talk tonight.
He was there when I got back yesterday - he told me he still loves me, but he doesn’t feel like the same person anymore. He thinks he’ll just be better off on his own. That he’s too selfish for a relationship. We talked for a few hours but it didn’t really get anywhere. Now he’s gone back down South for a few days and I am absolutely devastated. I have good family support but I can’t sleep, I keep crying. Seeing his stuff gone just destroys me. I just want him back. He’s my soulmate- he told me I was his.
I don’t want anyone else.
I don’t know what to do x

Best off out if it.
Isolating you
Control
Doing his own thing but you can't
Now ending the relationship with out talking to you

Sound like an awareness campaign by domestic abuse organisations.

That world around you that's just shattered is one of abusive behaviour and coehersive control.

You should be crying tears of joy. You are free to live your life. I know it's hard at the moment, but he's done you a massive favour. Go and get help and be the strong independent woman you are.

This man is not who you thought he was and from your description there are so many red flags. He
sounds immature and selfish as well as avoidant and controlling. You’re well out of it.

You were ok before he came back on the scene and you will be alright again. He never wanted a proper relationship.

It’s a horrible feeling and you’re in the panic stage right now that your life has been completely upended. The shock, and love you have for him, is evident from your post but it’s interesting that you provide some examples of how the relationship actually wasn’t good/serving you as it should. Not being a part of his life socially in 5 years a concern no? These things often have a funny way of making us realise it wasn’t so great after all, but we can’t always see it when we are in it

So sorry you are going through this but to be honest he sounds selfish and immature.

You had a serious relationship in the intervening years that you weren't together & he didn't. It sounds like he just isn't mature enough to handle what a real relationship entails.
Let him go, he isn't what you thought he was, he's a man who has never grown up.

First post nails it - he wasn’t the love of your life, he was a controlling abuser who used your hospitality but still wanted his bachelor lifestyle.

And I would suspect his frequent trips to see his mates and the fact you weren’t included in his world may mean there was another woman or women on the scene.

Did he contribute financially when he moved into your home? Of do his fair share of household chores?

You've romanticised this man and fallen for the fantasy rather than the reality. It will take time but one day you’ll realise that being free from this twat is the best thing that ever happened to you.

‘He’s my soulmate- he told me I was his.
I don’t want anyone else.
I don’t know what to do x’

He is not your ‘soulmate’, he’s a pathetic man-child too selfish and entitled to cope with a healthy relationship. That is not someone who is ‘soulmate’ material.

He lied when he told you, you were his. He has kept you hanging on and then abandoned you without any real warning. He only cares about himself.

You don’t have to want anyone else, you need time to recover and be alone.

What you do is you heal from the abandonment you are feeling. You block any contact from him. You make a list of goals and dreams and you start to tick them off, and you thank the gods that this man did not stay and continue to future fake you until you were in a worse situation with a lot of unravelling financial, relationships to do!

You will be ok!

He's not a nice man.
Sorry.

How old are you both? I'm guessing 40s if you were child hood sweethearts, had 21 years apart, and have now been together for 5 years.

If he' s in his 40s he's selfish and immature.

Neither of you have children?

I think one, or both of you, were in this relationship based on a 'memory' of what it was like when you were teenagers. But the reality is neither of you are who you were 26 years ago.

He's never settled down, he's not a 'family man' and you're best off without him.

Move on- keep busy, throw yourself into work, friends, hobbies and try to see him for what he is.

Your descriptions of him and yoir relationship has more red flags than The Kremlin.

This man did not love you.

Im sorry, OP.

It’s hard now but you will get over this. He is right in that he should be on his own as he is selfish. He is stopping you from doing the things you enjoy, not mixing with his family and friends. All of this isn’t normal.

This sounds like a terrible relationship

I'm sure he is absolutely lovely and fun on some days but he's awful on others

Please read 'it's not you' by dr ramani

I mean, you nailed it - look at Peter Pan syndrome…

www.google.com/search?q=peter+pan+syndrome&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-gb&client=safari

He's right and it's a shame it took him 5 years to admit it. He is too selfish for a relationship. The reason he hasn't had any relationships other than one for a year in the twenty years you were apart is because of this, but the fairytale he spun you about you being the one who got away. He's chosen a life where he is front and centre and that's fine but it's not compatible with a relationship, these will always require compromise

I’m sorry you’re going through this pain, OP. I agree with PP that you have been romanticising this man and the fact that you got back together after 21 years in order to tolerate what sounds like a fairly problematic relationship with a selfish, immature man with whom there are large areas of incompatibility. It really sounds like there was a lot wrong with the relationship and it was built round him not you.

It is horrible now and it will take time but the heartbreak will pass.

He sounds like a complete turd. He was a coward and didn't even have the decency to talk to you. At the moment you are grieving but the mist will fall from your eyes soon and you will see he wasn't a good man at all.

I should add that I understand why you have romanticised him and the situation. Given you’ve had 5 years, it does sound like you have been more significant to him than anyone else has. You haven’t imagined that. But he’s ultimately lazy and selfish in relationships and not a good partner. In truth, he’s disappointed you time and again because he’s not a good enough partner and he has no desire to change that.

He’s set you free.

It won’t feel like it right now but you’ll be happier without a man child.

"Controlling abuser" - the post doesn't really suggest this. I don't like to see the terms bandied about as it devalues them. Sure, he's not a great man. Immature and selfish. Not capable of a long term relationship. Compartmentalising his life. Op deserves much better. But controlling abuser? Not really, not based on what op said.

So sorry OP, it's a horrible feeling to have your heart broken. It does sound like you were incompatible and your partner was a selfish and immature man who is not capable of giving his all to a relationship. It doesn't feel like it now but you are better off without him as the relationship problems were unlikely to improve.

Give yourself time, it's ok to cry and feel sad - in time you will feel stronger, pick yourself up and dust yourself off and get on with life. He was not the one for you but you can and will meet someone else when you are open to and ready for it. For now, be kind to yourself and lean on friends to comfort you 💐

When men describe themselves, listen.

If they say they are selfish, unreliable etc it's not just an excuse or to provoke sympathy or to ask a woman to 'change them' - it's who they are.

Exactly. He’s only ‘the love of your life’ if that, for you, describes a difficult relationship a man who doesn’t seem to have been that nice to you, and with whom the communication was always poor. You are much better off out of it.

I disagree. There's a few trigger words in there that show he doesn't react well when he doesn't get his own way. I might be wrong but there's a few red flags in the OP that points to there being more to his behaviour than the few things she's mentioned which is why ! asked the questions about him contributing.

When someone says their partner ‘doesn’t allow’ ‘gets upset when disturbed’ ‘moaned on holiday’ etc then it does point to him wanting his own way and expecting her to shut up and tolerate it. Thats controlling and a form of abusive behaviour imo

He thinks he’ll just be better off on his own. That he’s too selfish for a relationship.

Well, I have to agree with him there. He sounds like a self-centred oaf, while you sound like you're still in love with that young lad he used to be and have been making excuses for the twat he's become for far too long. You have nothing in common and that's the bottom line. He's a man-child who wants to play football, watch football and game with his mates and he gets arsey with you when you push back on that. You want a proper partner and he's not capable of that, he doesn't even want that! There's a very good reason why he's been essentially single all this time - because he's terrible relationship material. You need to have higher standards.

It turns out that you were both right.

He is a Peter Pan type - liked the idea of a girlfriend but kept distinct from his teenage preferences of gaming, football and drinking with the lads.
He is also, like he told you, too selfish for a relationship, although his track history already made that quite clear.

You are heartbroken right now and that's understandable. It will be extra poignant because he was a young love of yours and first love really resonates. But you will be ok and as the mist clears you'll realise how much better off you are without him. "Soulmates" is something people say when in the throes of falling in love. There isn't really such a thing. Relationships need to be worked at, boring stuff and all, to go the distance. He never had it in him to go the distance.

Looking at it objectively, he's a middle aged man but wants to live like a youth. I note his friends have wives/partners but he doesn't. He sounds like my husband's youngest brother who always had the attitude that being tied down to a woman was boring and he wanted to be free to play football, go to the pub and date when he fancied it. Clever but not interested in a career as all that sensible stuff was boring and hard work. Did casual work as a driver while his wealthy parents (now RIP) gave him pocket money. He's now late 50s and all his former drinking buddies have wives and families and have settled down and dropped off the radar. Can't do driving work any more as he lost his licence. He lives alone, is an alcoholic and angry about how his life ended up, even though it is what he chose. Your life will be SO much better than a life like that.