Heartbroken by the love of my life.

[Notsospark]

I’ve never posted on anything like this before but I’m so devastated that I need to talk.
Last night, my partner ended our 5 year relationship. My world feels like it has shattered. He is the love of my life and I thought we’d be forever. We were together when we were younger then went our separate ways for 21 years. We found each other again during Covid and declared our love for each other. We’d still loved each other for all this time and I was the happiest girl in the world. Within 6 weeks of us getting back in touch, he moved up and rented a flat near me in the midlands from where he was living down South.
After 6 months, we lived together. I had been in serious relationships during the 21 years we hadn’t seen each other, whereas he’d only had one serious ish relationship that had lasted a year. He didn’t live with this girl. He told me when we got back together that he’s never settled with anyone as it was always me that he loved.

He has always been one for his mates- only really went on stag doos before we got back together, and I had always jokingly called him Peter Pan as I said he’d never grow up.
Things were great at first, then real life hit. He never allowed us to do anything with his mates and their wives/girfriends. I was very much kept separate from all that. I only saw his friends once in the 5 years.

He played football, had a season ticket to watch football and played with his mate on the PlayStation every Thursday night without fail with him being unhappy if I disturbed him whilst he played.

We enjoyed hobbies together like bike riding, camping and loved watching planes. I love holidays abroad whereas he don’t really like the sun. We’d go on one holiday a year but he moaned about the heat. Although he’s happy to play football in 30 degree heat.

Things haven’t been great for a few months. We had agreed to talk to each other tonight- we’ve never been great at talking but I had faith in the fact that we’d be able to work out our issues.
Yet when I got home from work yesterday, his stuff was packed up and gone.
He’d planned with his Sister to take his stuff to hers and had arranged to go down South to stay with his Parents- all behind my back. He acted completely normal when I left the house for work- gave me a kiss etc yet he knew what he was gonna do. He arranged all this whilst letting me think we were gonna talk tonight.
He was there when I got back yesterday - he told me he still loves me, but he doesn’t feel like the same person anymore. He thinks he’ll just be better off on his own. That he’s too selfish for a relationship. We talked for a few hours but it didn’t really get anywhere. Now he’s gone back down South for a few days and I am absolutely devastated. I have good family support but I can’t sleep, I keep crying. Seeing his stuff gone just destroys me. I just want him back. He’s my soulmate- he told me I was his.
I don’t want anyone else.
I don’t know what to do x

Sounds like his behaviour and personality traits are the reason he’s never been able to hold down a relationship. It’s not you it’s him. Give yourself time to acknowledge this and grieve.

With respect, I think you've got a poor understanding of the "love of your life" or you've set the bar too low on what that should mean.

It wasn't a relationship of equals or compatibility.

I'm not going to listen off of his flaws - it would take too long.

I think the whole reuniting during Covid heightened the sense of this is the fairytale, romantic love story and you got caught up it.

Don't ever settle for a man child who seems you seperate from the rest of his life.

So sorry OP. He’s right about being too selfish for a relationship. I hope you meet someone who can.

Gosh the kiss and then coming home to an empty house happened to me @Notsospark .
Just one of the most awful, awful times of my life.
All behind my back, and the humiliation that other people knew what he was planning before me. It still hurts decades later.
We met up for weekends away after 30 plus years but he was still the childless 'Peter Pan'. I had changed. He hadn't.
I always thought he was the one I would end up with eventualy. Turns out he didn't feel that way about me.
I thought he was my sun, moon and stars. I always hoped for the fairy tale ending.
I think that by meeting me 30 plus years later he was trying to re-create his youth. Our youth. The passion and my devotion.
His version of love was so much smaller than mine. A lovely man but shallow feelings. Fleeting feelings. He offered scraps and didn't put me as a priority and I wanted more.
Still makes me sad. So I do understand the feeling of shock and hurt and how brutal it is.

There’s another thread on here at mo where a woman is dating someone she was friends with who has turned out to be a twat.

I do think when you know someone already you already have a positive idea of them in your head and so ignore more red flags than you would with a random bloke you met online or down the pub? It’s like you already know Dave is a good bloke and so when he does twatty things as a partner, you think ‘oh that’s not like him’ and key it go rather than thinking ‘hmm maybe Dave is a jealous controlling prick after all’

OP it will hurt for a while. Ride it out and then move on. You can do it.

But one thing you must not do is dwell on things too long.
He has now shown you who he truly is, and in my opinion if someone is hiding you away from family and friends, then that is not a relationship, its selfishsip. A relationship he had with you but a selfish one on his side. While you shared your time and life with him, he kept you at a distance by the sound of things. That is not a man that will have your back, that is a man that only has his own. So yeah he has told you now who he is, and shown you. Believe it.

Now is your time. Dont beg him to give you more time, to hear you out. And if he does crawl back in some week, months, or years time, you need to remember that it will not end well for you. He is a man who does this. This is clearly a life he chooses to live. Just dont give him anymore of your life and valuable time.

Love yourself more than you love the idea of the two of you. Let this one go.

No this is the first time I’ve posted x

This is exactly how I’m feeling x

Or perhaps he didn't want a relationship.

It speaks volumes that he only had one short-term. Relationship in 21 years.

It might not be maturity, it might just be that he isn't suited to being in a relationship and conceded defeat.

That leaves the op completely heartbroken though.

How old are you op if you haven't already said. Do you have friends and family?Who can support you whilst your hurting this badly.

He’s right actually - he is too selfish for a relationship. See also immature. The trash took itself out, he has set you free. I’m really sorry you are hurting, but you are better off without him, and in time you will realise this.

The love of your life would not treat you with such disrespect.
He doesn't sound very nice ,i think you may be better off without him in your life.
You will get over him even though you may not see it at the moment and you deserve to be treated better .

Everything he’s said is true- “He thinks he’ll just be better off on his own. That he’s too selfish for a relationship.” He may well love you, love the idea of a relationship but know he’s wasting your time. He’s been honest, he’s stopped messing you around.
Break ups are hard, maybe he knew you’d try and talk him into staying so left to avoid it.

Make a list of his bad points and try and focus on that, there were an awful lot of them.

It seems so immature to make decisions of how to live based on what your friends do! "My mates don't... so I can't..." Such an adolescent way of thinking and he was still doing it in his 40s?

Thank you so much xx

‘He had one serious GF for one year ish that he never lived with.’ …and now YOU know why.

What a disrespectful and cowardly way to end a relationship.

Let him go you’re far too good for him.

You will be more than ok in time, once the dust has settled x

I’m 44. I have an amazing family around me and wonderful, supportive friends. So I am very lucky.
Just wish this agonising pain I feel would just disappear x

Every word in your post is exactly what I thought and feel. It’s just horrendous.
I truly believed that he was the man I was gonna spend my life with x

Yes he very much lived his life the way his friends did. He once questioned why I wanted a rattan set for the garden as one of his friends ‘never sits on his’. We had a few arguments about him and how he compared our life to that of his friends and their partners.

I think he's being pretty grown-up about things. Instead of burying his head in the sand, he's acknowledged this lifestyle is not for him.
He's no longer stringing you along. Look back at the good times and memories. Be sad, but then slowly move on with your life and get excited for your future.
Best of luck OP

It was the same group of people I did get to meet the once, so they knew he was attached. But I just don’t think he wanted to mix his ‘mate life’ and ‘girlfriend life’

You had him pegged when you called him Peter Pan OP. Next time you see red flags like that you'll know to run very fast in the opposite direction.

This is a huge shock for you OP, cry as much as you need to, lean on your friends and family and give yourself time.

Thankyou ❤️xx