Is it too soon

[sydneyr]

I recently reconnected with a man I knew years ago. Both now single and we had a date. We never dated in the past was just some flirting and only really seen each other on occasion.

The first date we spent 6/7 hrs together. Catching up on what we had done with life but also just having a general chat and getting to know each other again

Our second date lasted 2 full days including an overnight (completely PG) but just chatting, there was some hand holding cuddling and kissing. The chemistry was there and I just felt so at ease with him. It felt like we had been doing it years instead of only a few days.

We’ve eaten together every night since and I feel at peace with him and he agrees. It’s only been a couple weeks, we’ve both cooked for each other and had meals out.

I can honestly see myself spending my life with him. I’m obviously trying to take things slowly but it’s just natural being with him there’s not expectations.

I know it’s quick but could this work long term? In the past it’s taken me weeks to be this comfortable around someone. I have never felt this connection before. I’m slightly older so don’t want to look like an idiot either

Too soon for what? It's brilliant that you feel so right with him, and vice versa. Enjoy it and try not to predict the future. Just let it unfold naturally. But there is no reason to doubt your feelings just because you really get on.

It could work. It may not. I am in a similar situation, and barely 2 months in we've been on holiday together, I've met his parents, his work colleagues and a few of his friends. Right now, everything is perfect and he is the man I can see myself getting - and staying - married to. Things go as quickly or as slowly as you feel comfortable with. There are social timelines, but they often don't work around the reality of life, so go with the flow.

Our second date lasted 2 full days including an overnight (completely PG)

What is PG?

I think this needs some context.

How did you reconnect- who contacted whom?

Your ages- you could be 30, 50 or 60+
Your life stages- married before? Children? Location?

We’ve eaten together every night since and I feel at peace with him and he agrees. It’s only been a couple weeks, we’ve both cooked for each other and had meals out.

How does this work- logistics? Are you in the same town but have never met for years? Do you each own a home?

You do come over as starry eyed and I'm trying to understand how this all happened out of nowhere.

Also how well did you know him years ago: part of your uni crowd you spent 3 or 4 years with 24/7? Or someone you met at work and had an occasional pint with? Makes a difference.

How can anyone be sure in the early stages if it will last long term. It's great when things go so well quickly but doesnt mean it will stay like that after the honeymoon period, but fingers crossed!

It sounds very intense going from not seeing him for years to eating together every night for 2 weeks. That's whirlwind territory and it rarely lasts.
Are you having lots of passionate sex too?

Did you contact him and if so, why?

I met my husband when I was 17 and he was 21 and knew within two weeks that I would spend the rest of my life with him. We’re now 67 and 71 and still together. It’s definitely not mecessarily too soon!

But for everyone who feels like that at 17, 99% will not end up married to that person. I'm happy for you but it's unusual. I do have a friend same age as you and they had the same result! But I also know far more who, even if they got married, divorced years later.

So we were just acquaintances back then had a couple mutual friends. Drank in the same pub/club.

We actually matched on a dating site. We live in the same town about 10 mins from each other. Just haven’t bumped into each other over the years.

We’re both early 40s, both live alone and been single a few years. Both long term relationships ended. He has one son and I have no kids (had issues with carrying).

we haven’t had sex yet but have had some fumbling let’s just say. Have both agreed to wait until we’re ready.

Nobody can predict the future, just enjoy it and go with the flow :)

It is great that you are happy, but 2 weeks is much too soon to be making any grand life plans. He is essentially a stranger you met on a dating site and you should chill out a bit and see what happens.

It's too soon to think it's anything other than what it is- early ,very early , dating.

You can feel 'at peace' (ie comfortable) with lots of people (or even a dog) but that doesn't mean you will spend the next 40 years together in bliss.

Personally, I think you both need to pull back a bit. Spending every evening together for 2 weeks sounds obsessive and a bit needy.

There isn’t any way to gage long term compatibility until it actually happens. The very very start is always good as everyone is on their best behaviour. Just keep in mind you don’t really know him well yet. Nothing wrong with taking some time to get to know someone, no need to add a ton of pressure.

Also, if you have seen him every night for two weeks does that mean he hasn't spent any time with his child in that time? What does he say about that? What is his usual contact schedule?

Haven't either of you had any hobbies, sports, friends or family obligations in that time?

His child is an older teen, they talk daily but he has his own life and doesn’t need to be around his father.

We do but we’ve been making time for each other it’s not spending hours and hours together every night. It’s sometimes just grabbing food together and then doing our own thing

It might work out, it might not. You don’t need to put any grand gestures in anything after two weeks. Make sure you keep making time to see friends and do hobbies. Pay close attention to what he says and how he behaves when you do: is he happy that you have a life and making similar plans for himself; or does he get huffy and imply you can’t care for him if you don’t want to be with him always. Pay close attention to how much time he gives his son: does he drop his parenting responsibilities whenever the latest woman comes along? Have sex soonish. Yes, I know some women find it terribly romantic when men say they want to “take things slow”, and sometimes these men are genuinely nice men; and sometimes they are lovebombing and stalling and hoping you’ll have caught feelz by the time you realise they’re shit in bed.

'Grabbing food together?

You make it sound as if you're an old married couple.

Honestly, I don't have good vibes about this.

You're both in your 40s. Slow down. When something is this intense there is only one way it can go.

What's wrong with seeing each other a couple of times a week for a proper date?

I'm puzzled too by the 'when we're ready for sex' but at the same time you're eating dinner together every night like two besotted teens😍

I'd want to know why his marriage broke up.

Is there any chance he's gay? Men don't usually want to wait for sex especially if they are eating dinner with you every night for 2 weeks.

That's a bit of a leap to thinking he may be gay after two weeks!

See how it goes OP. Keep up your usual routines and social arrangements. Don't get cut off from your real life support networks. Two weeks is too short a time to tell what someone is really like.

Keep seeing him, but don't give up your existing life and plans. See how it plays out and find out how he really treats people when the initial gloss wears off.

Marriage broke up and not jumping straight into bed = gay 😂

Very funny.

They are on separate lines/paragraphs.

Not connected.

The points are valid.
He doesn't see much of his son who is late teens. That would worry me. My kids were at uni in their late teens but we were very much in touch.

He doesn't seem to want to make their relationship sexual despite having a very intense start to this.

That’s really interesting. ‘Grabbing food’ it’s such a current term, I was thinking it’s like teen talk!

OP I wouldn’t worry, just enjoy it, and be mindful and take care of yourself in the situation, keep your wits about you.

If you are already seeing a future for you and this stranger, that's a big sign you have mistaken intensity for intimacy. You know this, or you wouldn't have asked the question.

Natalie Lue breaks it down here: baggagereclaim.co.uk/intensity-isnt-the-same-as-intimacy/

First dates should not last for 6-7 hours because you should have better things to do than spend so much time with a stranger. Second dates should not last 2 days for the same reason. But what he is doing is the typical way an abuser will act at the start - create a whirlwind romance and not give you space to consider what's happening.

I'd strongly suggest pulling back to dates twice a week for a while. His reaction to this will also be very telling.