TO ALL WHO THINK THE GRASS IS GREENER (LONG SO SORRY)

[Justcallmereallystupid]

This is my first post here and I know many of you will laugh your heads off at my story but I deserve every bit.

I am the woman you all hate.

I married at 27 and went on to have 3 dc who are still young 5 and twins 8. In the early years of marriage my DH and i were so happy. Having the children seemed to change everything ( so i thought at the time). I suffered badly after my youngest DD with PND although I knew it myself I kept it well hidden from everyone else. I claimed i was coping well not a bother when inside I was desperate for help.

Everything my DH did irritated me. He didn;'t pay me any attention, just listening to him eat, snore, speak made me feel disgust. He worked six days a week and then went out all day drinking on a Sunday. I was on my own a lot of the time . When he was in he was so boring (again so i thought at the time) perched in front of the tv every night eating sweets. We hardly ever went out and if we did go somewhere my DH would ger so drunk it was emabarassing to be with him.

Anyway at about this time I met up with an old friend of ours. I started to go out with her. Her BF was friend of ours to. I had lost about five stone (through stress) but looked mcuh better than I had in years.

On our first night out we went to a club and I swear to god i saw this man and just wanted to drop to the floor -- he was gorgeous and as my friend knew him we all got chatting. He was chatty, complimentary and I just melted.

This meeting up became quite regular because I felt so unhappy I could see that his marriage wasn't happy as he was always out on his own too -we all had great time meach week but nothing between us all but it wasn't until about nine months later that anything happened. We eventually got talking about out out unhappy marriages and after some time started an affair. WE would go out at least three times a week (my DH sitting in front of TV eating sweets whilst I went out) we had amazing sex just everything made me feel on top of the world.

I was having the time of my life making me realise how miserable my marriage was. So I told my DH it was over. He was very upset but moved out to give me "space". I broke his heart .AFter a few weeks my OM left his wife and we carried on seeing each other in secret. After about a month of me repeatedly telling my DH there was no chance for us my DH met someone else. I was delighted when I found out the coast was clear for me now.

Thank you so much sweetheart - you have enough of your own problems without worrying about mine so thank you. xx

Im so so sad for you. the whole thing is heart breaking. I hope your ok.. xx

you made your bed and have laid in it long enough now - please stop punishing yourself and get rid of him. You and your children deserve better. Good luck x

no one is laughing or even blaming you but am wuite worride by your 'i have ruined the lives of myself and my dc's forever' why forever?

the house is yours yes? when he goes out either change the locks or leave your key in the other side so his wont work, stuff in bin bags on doorstep, and when he comes knocking phone him and calmly explain that if he does not leave you alone you will call the police.

or bfore hhe goes out just tell him to sod off and not come back coz he is an arse and see how he takes it?

you do not deserve any of what you are going through no matter how 'bad' you think you have been. you and dc's have as much of a right to be happy as anyone else does.

you made a mistake no one is perfect, stop punishing yourself you really dont deserve it.

If I put up or get rid - i will have to live with the knowledge that this shit life is all my own doing.

Please believe me when I say that my only reason for posting is to prevent others ending up like me x

JCMRS - what would you say if a friend of yours were in exactly this situation? I'm sure you wouldn't say "well, it's all your own fault, and there's nothing you can do about it - you must suffer for what you did for the rest of your life", would you?

For the sake of your children, seek some support to help you forgive yourself and get rid of the scumbag you are living with. Even if you DID deserve to suffer (which you don't!), your children would surely be happier if he wasn't around?

I know I would give the same advice that you have given me. I have friends whose DH treated them like dirt and i used to say to them they deserved better - but this is all my own doing - being a tart -and i have to live with the knowledge I destroyed the family my DC deserved.

and when you get rid and get some self worth back that will be all your own doing too and something that you can feel proud of!

you have a dd how would you feel if she got with a man like this because she saw how yours behaves and thought that it was normal for men to behave like tossers?

Ahem. You haven't been a tart. You had an affair, yes, and it has worked out badly. Things were obviously crap in your marriage for you to have the affair. Yes, it's regrettable, but it's not a crime and it doesn't mean you are a "tart". Really.

You're too kind x

And even if you had been a tart, you still don't deserve to suffer with a nutsack like him. I really hope you can find the strength to get rid. Have you got supportive family/friends nearby?

Not really how I confess this in RL. Have to put on a brave face like everything fine and dandy.

I agree. Having an affair does not make you a tart. End of.

I have always hated these labels - why do people do it to others and themselves!!

As I think I said earlier the one relationship is not dependent on the other.

For your own self preservation I do think you need to get out of current relationship and be alone for a while.

You just do not know who or what is around the corner.

Please think about it seriously.

sounds like om is unhappy too,
do you think your relationship can be salvaged
the new lo for your ex has obivously knocked your for six.
is it too late for relate?

I laughed when i read your post. Because you write really well and are obviously a warm and funny person. You and, more importantly, your kids don't deserve to suffer like this.

Do you have daughters? If you do, it's a very dangerous thing to teach them that they should put up with a man who drinks 10 cans of beer a night and bullies their mum until she's nervous wreck. How would you feel watching them put up with such crap?

Next time he threatens to leave, tell him "great, you fuck off for a bit and I'll get the locks changed."

Just the look on his face will cheer you right up and hopefully give you the drive to end this miserable time in your life and move on.

PS - I did the "great, you fuck off then line" once to an ex-bf who was always threatening to leave me. I was very sad it was the end of our relationship - but looking back it was one of the most satisfying moments of my whole life.

very good advice jess

Don't stay with him because you think he's all you deserve.
You made a mistake and have paid the price.
Give yourself another chance to be happy by ending your 'relationship' with this horrible man.

I am sorry for what you are going through. It’s Ok to get encouraging words from people on this platform and it’s also OK to be told the truth.

What happened in your first marriage is what happens to people who love their spouses with conditions.

Your first husband must have loved you unconditionally and he couldn’t do anything about you reciprocating it back to him.

When you left him he grieved a lot and he was in so much pain. It took him a lot to find the courage to move on.

What most people don’t understand is that their are always a consequence for our actions and choices in life.

At that time you were in limerence with you affair partner and you thought he was going to be a better option as a partner. (The grass is greener syndrome), You didn’t know the lives you where going to affect by your action because you became very selfish and entitled.

You didn’t look at the bigger picture. You are now paying for your actions.

I hope you are in a much better place now. And I hope you have learnt from your mistake. This will hunt you for the rest of your life.

@aum9021

Why on earth have you resurrected a thread that is almost 13 years old?

ZOMBIE

Lol @aum9021

Why are you resurrecting a 13 year old thread?

Did so because it applies all year round to a lot of people.

A lot of men and women have been broken because of this type of behavior.

Marriage is for serous minded people who should love their spouses unconditionally.

Not saying if he or she is abusive you should stay in the marriage. Run for your lives.

But for those people who find faults and look for reasons to leave a good thing because they feel they can do better. The key word is feel.

The grass is greener when you water it....

You have your whole life yet to live. Don't stick by a decision that doesn't make you happy. Ok so you made a decision you now regret, BUT, you made it with the knowledge you had at the time. None of us have a crystal ball, and everyone makes mistakes. Be brave and find a better life. Good luck

Thanks all, we're closing this thread now.