TO ALL WHO THINK THE GRASS IS GREENER (LONG SO SORRY)

[Justcallmereallystupid]

This is my first post here and I know many of you will laugh your heads off at my story but I deserve every bit.

I am the woman you all hate.

I married at 27 and went on to have 3 dc who are still young 5 and twins 8. In the early years of marriage my DH and i were so happy. Having the children seemed to change everything ( so i thought at the time). I suffered badly after my youngest DD with PND although I knew it myself I kept it well hidden from everyone else. I claimed i was coping well not a bother when inside I was desperate for help.

Everything my DH did irritated me. He didn;'t pay me any attention, just listening to him eat, snore, speak made me feel disgust. He worked six days a week and then went out all day drinking on a Sunday. I was on my own a lot of the time . When he was in he was so boring (again so i thought at the time) perched in front of the tv every night eating sweets. We hardly ever went out and if we did go somewhere my DH would ger so drunk it was emabarassing to be with him.

Anyway at about this time I met up with an old friend of ours. I started to go out with her. Her BF was friend of ours to. I had lost about five stone (through stress) but looked mcuh better than I had in years.

On our first night out we went to a club and I swear to god i saw this man and just wanted to drop to the floor -- he was gorgeous and as my friend knew him we all got chatting. He was chatty, complimentary and I just melted.

This meeting up became quite regular because I felt so unhappy I could see that his marriage wasn't happy as he was always out on his own too -we all had great time meach week but nothing between us all but it wasn't until about nine months later that anything happened. We eventually got talking about out out unhappy marriages and after some time started an affair. WE would go out at least three times a week (my DH sitting in front of TV eating sweets whilst I went out) we had amazing sex just everything made me feel on top of the world.

I was having the time of my life making me realise how miserable my marriage was. So I told my DH it was over. He was very upset but moved out to give me "space". I broke his heart .AFter a few weeks my OM left his wife and we carried on seeing each other in secret. After about a month of me repeatedly telling my DH there was no chance for us my DH met someone else. I was delighted when I found out the coast was clear for me now.

I feel that because I made such a huge mistake in the first place to tell him to go would make me look even more stupid if thats at all possible.

I sorry taking so long to reply as i am drying my tears on my sleeve your kind comments are much appreciated and totally unexpected.

I would hate anyone to make the same mistake as i did - haventsleptforayear please believe me .

I am scared on being on my own I know but i keep hoping OM will go back to how he used to be. When I ask him if he loves me he just says "i don't love anything" He turns away if I try to give him a kiss pushes me away if i try to give him a cuddle if I ask why he treats me like this his answer is he is ""I am a grown man and its my choice. This is the answer i also get when he goes out followed by "i am free to do what i like" referring I think to the fact i can't go out at the drep of a hat because of children. When he goes he will switch his phone off as soon as he leaves the house.

Believe me I have done everything I can possibly do to make him happy

You already have come a long way in understanding and being able to word it how you have ,the situation in your mind is clear - you KNOW whts next.....you will pluck up the esteem to get rid off him and start the next phase in your life- a good mistake is one you learn a hard lesson from.

GET RID OF HIM AND COME AND TELL US.

By the way i think you have an excellent way with words.

It is not your role in life to make him- or anyone- happy. You are bing treated like a doormat because you have allowed yourself to become one.

FGS stand up for yourself and stop self-pitying. You are in a bad situation, but you have to fight back and get your self respect back.

Find somewhere new to live and take your children, if you are in his home. If it's your home, change the locks and ask him to go.

Message withdrawn

Look you went about things the wrong way. BUT it does sound like your DH was not your soul mate so in all actuality leaving him might have been for the best.

OM is an abusive wanker. LEAVE HIM. Look please dont use the fact that you depend on him financially as an excuse to stay. There are plenty of women who have left with nothing but the shirts on their backs and they manage. So will you. This relationship has got to be poisen for your children. Please please please - not to be harsh but stop feeling sorry for yourself. GO GO GO and live your life like every day is your last and give yourself a fighting chance.

Really. You did well posting here but you have to then follow that up by listening to the people who have listened to you. We all think OM is a wanker and you would be far better off without him. Do whatever it takes to make that a reality.

You do realise he isnt being faithful to you anyway dont you?

Don't stay with him to prove a point - it doesn't matter if other people think you have made a mistake, they don't have to live with the consequences. You don't look stupid but you do seem vulnerable and maybe your current H knows this - you deserve to be happy.

Thank you all for your messages. I know i have been walked over all my life.

I have never had much self esteme anyway but truly haven't an ounce now. I would like to go through this post and thank you all for your kind words.

~Windygales and alittleone2 thanks.

I have thought about counselling this post being my first step hopefully. I know if i knew someone in my position i would say the same to them.

You all are wonderful people. Love to you all x

You know, you dont need a man to make you happy.

You dont need a man to make you unhappy either.

Just read your post and sounds like it was difficult to write.
If you leave him/tell him to go, it will be hard dealing with it, & the aftermath.
But if this situation was one being dealt with by, say, one of your children in years to come wouldn't the more important thing be for them to get out for their own survival & wellbeing? No-one who loves you would want you to be suffering like this, be kind to yourself & gather up any self-respect you can muster no matter how hard it is.
And about your previous relationship - please remember it does not matter now whether it was right or not to leave, its done now and absolutely nothing can be done about that, try not to drive yourself to distraction analysing & agonising over your decision then. You cannot change the past, only the present and the future.

You owe it to yourself& your children to get out of this current situation, that way no matter what else happens you will at least be able to hold your head up & know you put you & them first.
take care x

you are not alone. i left my hubby for an idiot! only good thing is i have one hell of a beautiful son. only i know i can do better. the grass is rarely greener but the only way you do find that out is by jumping the fence! sometimes i regret what i did but in the end if i had not left my hubby for this dp i am wiht now i would have left him eventually.
just because a man is happy in his marriage does not mean he should let himself go.
you feel like this becasue of the way your OM treats you, he is taking away your self esteem so you will not leave him. he probably did this to his wife.
i live alone and see dp when it suits us and i have never been happier in my life having my own place and not being dependant on anyone or having to explain myself.

I'm going to have to rethink my whole existence here, because I think I would feel triumphant if your story had been posted by a man.

But from a woman it just seems wholly and horribly sad.

You can all say horrible things, I know that's sick thinking. I don't understand why I even think it, but it's honest.

I hope better times come in your life JustCallMe.

No One hates you!
I have rarely been so moved by a story on mumsnet

Stop beating yourself up for leaving your husband for a wanker.

Your marriage was awful! Don't look back at it through rose tinted specs.
Sounds like it was the right theing to get out of it.

Pity the OM turned out to be a tosser.

But a tosser he is, so Dump him and move on.

Good luck.

Don't define yourself through a man!

You seem to think you have to stick with Om because you left your husband because of him.

HE IS A TOSSER WHO DOES NOT TREAT YOU WELL! You do NOT need to stay with him.

Right, I've had a think about it. I think I was confusing 'men' the sex, with 'a man' (an individual).

As a sex, I think there is too much of this nipping off to be with OW and leaving DW's and children behind. As an individual, this is going to be a sad story coming from anybody.

Please get some counselling JCM (LOOONG NAME!)Your two wrongs are not making a right here, for you or the DC's. Neither do you 'deserve' this OM as punishment for what you did. More than anything, your children deserve the best life you can give them, and I'm sure that is never going to be with this man who loves to torture you.

One of my best friends went out with a guy for years (lets call him Mr X)

They planned to marry.

However she fell in love with....his best mate! Let's call him Mr Y.

She left Mr X and soon after started dating Mr Y. The fallout in our group of friends was HUGE!!! people took sides and called my friend(and Mr Y) all kinds of things.

Mr X threatened to murder Mr Y!

Fast forward a few years and Mr Y turned out NOT to be so perfect after all. My friend ( who is a wonderful woman) stuck with Mr Y WELL past the sell by date of the relationship because of the trauma involved in setting it up.

She came to her senses after many years of controlling bullying by Mr Y and is now happily married to Mr Z!

I take it you get my point.
NEITHER Mr X nor Mr Y were right for her.

I would like to put my arms out and give you a big cuddle.

Good luck.

NOONE needs to put up with shit

The feminist in me (or it may be the wine) wants to beat him up. I'm only little, but I'll give it a blardy go. Now where do you live?

blimey!you had PND your judgment and emotions were impaired.No one hates you.

deep breath

your Ex Husband has moved on. leave that well alone.he has a new life

you don't need to habitually suffer because your relationship with OM has deteriorated.

you deserve better than this

give your self permission to move on. try again

good luck

Not laughing at all. Really feeling sad now after reading your post, JCMRS.

I can only echo what others have already written: do not beat yourself up about the past! Look ahead into the future. Don't be too paralized by your decisions to be unable to make new choices.

I'm sure everyone of us has made a mistake or said & done something which was not beneficial in any way. I'm equally convinced most of us would have loved to put things right again or 'erase' whatever happened.

I firmly believe we all write our own future, our own happiness and luck. To do so you must discard your guilt and look forward and clearly envision what you want and then make steps towards your goals. Bit by bit you will achieve it.

The first thing I'd do if I were you is to seek out your GP and speak about your severe PND, do not be fobbed off with a pat on the back but insist you get proper treatment.

Secondly, walk away from the OM, he is a source of emotional evil for you and your dc. Neither of you should be living in such unstable and emotionally poisonous conditions. LEAVE NOW, just go to your local council and report him for emotional abuse and violence and drinking. They will get you out of your living situation.

Thirdly, do you work? Are you interested in working? How old are your dc? Do you have relatives nearby who can look after you and the kids and support you in finding a new job? This will give you a new perspective.

Your future and your childrens wellbeing is in your hands. Don't waste any more time with your OM.

In trader speak: cut your losses and exit the position. It'll be a sharp pain now but you'll be free to live again and live happily.

I'm wishing you lots of strength and luck.

Maybe some other MNs can give more detailed tips how to tie up housing, work and child care.

Jasper: good story. Sometimes people are just not right for each other.

Give it a go JCMRS! Don't hope for a change in your abusive partner. Take your life in your own hands and rebuild it!

Justcallme I can only echo what everyone else has said here, your story is really sad.

Everyone makes mistakes in life though, you didn't know it would turn out like this and you don't deserve to stay with this twunt of a man just because you make a mistake in the past.

Please for the love of god leave him, it will do wonders for your self-esteem.

Your children deserve a happy mummy, and deserve not to live in a house with a bully, so if you can't leave for your own sake leave for theirs.

Tell him to fark right off next time he threatens to leave.

I wonder if you feel that you have to stick with this crap because you feel so guilty about leaving your H, who lets face doesn't sound that fab either? Almost like a punishment for yourself. You had PND. There is a reason that PND can be used as a defence in law. Its because you sometimes are not responsible for your actions when you have it.

Ask yourself honestly if you were back with your ex H now would he not irritate you at all still?

If you possibly can get yourself out of this horrible relationship you are in. Not just for yourself but for your kids. Being on benefits is not great but it is possible to live on them and be happy and not be dealing with some idiot blokes nonsense.

You made a mistake, so what? we all do, move on and get out of it now. Think you have been punished and punished yourself enough

God, he really sounds like a wanker of the highest order

I can hardly believe he is talking to you like this.

I repeat, this guy is not your problem. You CAN get rid of him, nothing bad will happen to you if you do so, you won't be punished by some higher power!! Why take him on board - I would walk away fast from him.

It's quite painful to read your posts and not be able to do anything to get shot of him for you. That is your choice you know - nobody will be cross if you tell him to fuck off, but I can promise you about a hundred mumsnetters will be cheering

Seriously this has GOT to stop.
Do it today - if you are still reading, just eliminate this piece of sh*t from your life, and you will be in a better place instantly.

GOOD LUCK xxxxx we are all thinking of you and we know you can do it.

...and if you are willing to talk to any of us off MN I am sure we can help. Recently another brave woman left an abusive husband, and she was supported in real life by many people from here - we really, really do care about you and we really will help - if I am nearby I will come round in person if you wish, and help you out x