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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think I’ve been ghosted

67 replies

Bengal233 · 04/08/2025 19:09

Hello everyone. So as the titles says I think I’ve been ghosted…
I Have been seeing this man for the last 3 months, he lives about an hour from me and it has been very up and down, he goes through stages of ignoring me then when I messaged saying I’ve had enough he comes back with excuses saying “ I’ve been in hospital” or his “friend” has text me off his number saying he’s got his phone for work purposes as he’s in hospital etc he’s cancelled plans a few times saying things like he’s been poorly etc there are lots of niggles I’ve had with him over the last few months but I’m stupid and keep going back even though all my friends and sister have said to leave it as he is showing lots of red flags…
I saw him on Friday night, lovely evening messaging Saturday and Sunday morning. I messaged him Sunday afternoon and said give me a call later before I go away on holiday tomorrow, he read it and didn’t answer so I messaged again and or not with a laughing face again read it didn’t answer, so I messaged again and said “ I’m not doing this again. Don’t worry about calling. Speak soon” he messaged back saying “what the actual fuck!! I’ve been working and haven’t had my phone. I don’t need this. Have a good holiday”x
I messaged back and said if that’s what you want, then messaged again saying it’s not what I want, then again this morning saying let me know what is going on and are we leaving it or what because I want to know either way. All these messages have been left unread… I know I’ve made myself look desperate but I split up with my husband at Christmas because he cheated on me and I’d been with him since I was 19 and I’m 35 now so this whole world of dating is very very new and confusing to me.
what do I do now?
thanks for reading I know it’s a long rambling post x

OP posts:

AtlasPine · 04/08/2025 19:12

Step away from the phone. He’s not that into you and you’re possibly not ready for a relationship which matters yet. Give yourself some time and maybe a few casual dates before you get too involved.

IceCreamWoes · 04/08/2025 19:13

I'm not sure you're ready to date. I mean that in the nicest possible way. He has shown he isn't massively interested in something serious already with the shit excuses.

You don't say how quickly you sent the pass agg laughing face emoji but not replying immediately is fine. It's only been a few months since a nearly 20 yr relationship ended. You seem like you need to wait longer until you're ready to date

TwistedWonder · 04/08/2025 19:14

You only split up with your husband at Christmas and you’ve didn’t 3 months chasing a walking red flag who throws you a few crumbs ?

With kindness you are nowhere near ready to date. You need to be single for a while to take time to heal and work on yourself so you’re in the best possible headspace and have proper boundaries. Until you’re comfortable being on your own, you won’t be ready to date and you’ll keep putting yourself in a place to get hurt because you’re desperate and men can sniff that neediness out.

Take a look at The Freedom Programme before you go near another man.

Jungiandungian · 04/08/2025 19:15

Read your own message back to yourself and imagine a close friend was telling you - what would you tell them?

It’s clear you need more time to process your breakup and maybe get some therapy.

This man is utterly pointless and just distracting you from investing in yourself.

Original poster

Bengal233 · 04/08/2025 19:15

I think it’s because he’s disappeared and my messages don’t deliver for days then as soon as I send something like I’m done I got bombarded with how much he likes me and I’m perfect and he wants everything with me etc. I feel like he’s played games with my head massively

OP posts:

Skybluepinky · 04/08/2025 19:15

Stay away your radar is off and you are red flag hunting.

Original poster

Bengal233 · 04/08/2025 19:17

@Jungiandungian if s friend was telling me this id tell her to block and delete him as he was full of shit and she deserved better

OP posts:

TwistedWonder · 04/08/2025 19:18

Bengal233 · 04/08/2025 19:15

With respect he’s not playing games, he’s telling you loud and clear who he is but you’re choosing to ignore more red flags than a communist party rally.

Original poster

Bengal233 · 04/08/2025 19:18

I think a lot of it is he says all these messages right things when he bothers and gives me attention. I know it’s the wrong reasons. I also think because my soon to be ex husband has moved on and with this woman he cheated with I feel there must be something wrong with me if I can’t have that too if that makes any sense

OP posts:

Overtheatlantic · 04/08/2025 19:19

You’re coming across as a bit unhinged. Sorry.

Original poster

Bengal233 · 04/08/2025 19:20

@TwistedWonder that made me laugh out loud! I know I am ignoring so many red flags it’s ridiculous I could scream at myself. Would you block and delete?

OP posts:

Windyhere · 04/08/2025 19:21

Do you honestly believe he has been in hospital? I don’t.

Original poster

Bengal233 · 04/08/2025 19:23

@Overtheatlantic dont apologise! I know I am. It’s ridiculous how I’m acting! I should have walked away with the first red flag right at the beginning and got myself out of it back then.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bengal233 · 04/08/2025 19:23

@Windyhere no I don’t, he’s told me a couple of different reasons why he’s “been in hospital”

OP posts:

pinksky78 · 04/08/2025 19:27

Put the phone down and walk away. You've been single, what 5 months? and you want to dive into a relationship with a man who is clearly showing you that he's not all that into you. Wake up!

MyDreamyRoseOrca · 04/08/2025 19:40

I understand your self esteem is low right now but the best thing you can do is walk away and work on yourself. There will be another guy worthy of your time and energy. This one isn’t. Don’t cling on to him because you want to get over the pain of your marriage. Nothing is more cringey than chasing after someone who clearly doesn’t put any effort in so relieve yourself of that feeling. Take care.

LittlleMy · 04/08/2025 19:55

@Bengal233 just adding my voice as it sounds as though you know what to do but need extra voices shouting it at you too so here goes! The fact you’re putting up with him blowing hot and cold so regularly as you do tells me you’re not ready for a relationship. If you were properly healed, you’d have walked away from this weeks ago without batting an eyelid. And don’t worry about how fast your ex has moved on as that’s neither here nor there. Eg my ex is an absolute hottie to look at and I know as soon as we broke up (2 years ago) that he’ll have a new woman within the month because of how charming etc he is. But I don’t care because this is what red flaggers do, they never believe they did anything wrong in a relationship and can’t wait to ‘cleanse’ their memory and attach onto to their next victim. I was deeply affected by that relationship which btw I ended and so an added an extra layer of hurt but 2 years later, I’m thriving without him and I’m still not looking to date as there’s so much stuff I want to achieve for me yet including working on a promotion. So compare yourself to good people in your life and not your ex.

Oh and as for your BF, if he hasn’t already left you, LTB!

Twobigbabies · 04/08/2025 20:01

Either he's not that interested in you or he's in a relationship/married. Block and delete number.

Nugg · 04/08/2025 20:03

Walk away it shouldn’t be hard work!

Thanksman · 04/08/2025 20:05

Turn your phone off and spend an hour with a pen and paper, writing down all the reasons why your self respect is on the floor.

1983Louise · 04/08/2025 20:21

Bengal233 · 04/08/2025 19:20

@TwistedWonder that made me laugh out loud! I know I am ignoring so many red flags it’s ridiculous I could scream at myself. Would you block and delete?

Everyone reading this would tell you to block and delete him, you deserve better but it's far too soon for you to be dating again.

AnotherGreyMorning · 04/08/2025 20:22

Stop messaging. No more messages. Block him. He sounds difficult. And I’m sorry but you sound desperate. Leave it. Be single for a couple of years at least and enjoy it.

Original poster

Bengal233 · 04/08/2025 20:26

@AnotherGreyMorning thats hit the nail on the head, he is very difficult. I know I sound desperate. I’m annoyed at myself for how I’ve made myself come across! It’s pathetic even I can see that.

OP posts:

SparklyGlitterballs · 04/08/2025 20:34

I'd definitely block and delete. This man is not worth your time or attention OP.

As others have said, give yourself time to get over your ex before hurtling into another relationship. Just because ex has moved on quickly, doesn't mean you're failing if you haven't done so.

Also, listen to what your friends and sister have to say and take heed. They're not out to scupper your happiness. Being on the outside looking in, they can see clearly the red flags and are trying to look out for you.

Lilylolamillie · 04/08/2025 20:50

Please just block and delete.

When I was in a vulnerable state a full year after the end of a very long term relationship I ended up in a similar relationship. Looking back now I can’t believe how stupid I was. He lied about his whereabouts, various illnesses including pretending family members were seriously ill and gaslit me whenever I dared ask questions of things not adding up. One day I finally decided no more, ended it and god the relief I felt!

I decided to stay single, enjoy life, go out with friends and family, travel and work on myself. A couple of years later I met someone else through friends. There were no lies, no gaslighting, no drama, just easy and fun which is how it should be. I wanted to be with him but I didn’t need to be. I knew I’d walk away at the first red flag. We’re still together now over 10 years later.

I know how scary it can be to be on your own after a long relationship. But you need to be happy in your own skin before you date again. I had a brilliant couple of years being single and you can too. Then when you’re happy in your own skin you may meet someone or may decide the single life is for you longer term. But it will be on your terms and no one else’s.

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