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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I’ve been ghosted

67 replies

Bengal233 · 04/08/2025 19:09

Hello everyone. So as the titles says I think I’ve been ghosted…
I Have been seeing this man for the last 3 months, he lives about an hour from me and it has been very up and down, he goes through stages of ignoring me then when I messaged saying I’ve had enough he comes back with excuses saying “ I’ve been in hospital” or his “friend” has text me off his number saying he’s got his phone for work purposes as he’s in hospital etc he’s cancelled plans a few times saying things like he’s been poorly etc there are lots of niggles I’ve had with him over the last few months but I’m stupid and keep going back even though all my friends and sister have said to leave it as he is showing lots of red flags…
I saw him on Friday night, lovely evening messaging Saturday and Sunday morning. I messaged him Sunday afternoon and said give me a call later before I go away on holiday tomorrow, he read it and didn’t answer so I messaged again and or not with a laughing face again read it didn’t answer, so I messaged again and said “ I’m not doing this again. Don’t worry about calling. Speak soon” he messaged back saying “what the actual fuck!! I’ve been working and haven’t had my phone. I don’t need this. Have a good holiday”x
I messaged back and said if that’s what you want, then messaged again saying it’s not what I want, then again this morning saying let me know what is going on and are we leaving it or what because I want to know either way. All these messages have been left unread… I know I’ve made myself look desperate but I split up with my husband at Christmas because he cheated on me and I’d been with him since I was 19 and I’m 35 now so this whole world of dating is very very new and confusing to me.
what do I do now?
thanks for reading I know it’s a long rambling post x

OP posts:
smallsilvercloud · 04/08/2025 22:22

its not been a good start and by the sounds of it, he was never that serious about starting a relationship with you.
It’s a vulnerable time for you when you’ve recently split with your ex husband, unfortunately when you’re looking for love from a place of desperation, because you are still healing, it attracts in all the wrong ones.

BakingMuffins · 04/08/2025 22:24

The whole thing sounds like a joke. Just say it’s over and block him.

SeriouslyStressed · 04/08/2025 22:34

Aside from the fact that he’s a walking red flag, most hospitals have some sort of WiFi that you can WhatsApp from at least!

pick up your self esteem and boot him into space

Freeflight · 04/08/2025 22:36

I'd chalk it up to experience and move on - block him if it stops you from communicating with him.
His behaviour is showing that he isn't interested and is only concerned when you are issuing an ultimatum. You shouldn't need to do that in these early stages.
I agree that you need to take some time to recover from both the breakdown of your relationship and the fact that you were cheated on.
These are big life events and you need to be confident and happy with who you are before you open yourself up to dating.
Don't compare yourself to your ex, he's moved on because he was setting someone new up while he was in a relationship with you. He had checked out well before that and clearly thought more about himself than anyone else. He isn't going through the same turmoil as you so don't jump into something just to compete.

Original poster
Bengal233 · 04/08/2025 23:03

@Lilylolamillie your situation sounds very, very similar to mine. He does gaslight me all the time when I question things or turns it round that I’m being needy. Even yesterday he lied about saying he didn’t have his phone on him as he was at work but he’d read the messages as there were two blue ticks.
I’ve not messaged him anymore and I know I need to stay away from him. Everytime I have attempted to do it up to now he says all the right things and tells me how much he wants me and wants everything with me etc and reels me back in and then he goes quiet again or reads messages and doesn’t answer them or just doesn’t read them for days and we go round in a vicious circle. He is 7 years older than me too.

Everything you have said is true, I do need to be on my own for a while and properly find myself again and heal completely ready for when I do meet somebody I am in a place in myself I want to be. It’s so scary being on your own when you were with someone for such a long time from such a young age.
Thank you for your message, that’s really helped knowing someone has been in a similar situation to me x

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 04/08/2025 23:15

You’ve had a rough time and are looking for a kind companion. This man isn’t it he’s making you feel shit. Spend time building your self esteem back up and spend time with friends snd family. You’re not ready to date x

AlertEagle · 04/08/2025 23:21

He’s playing with you.

Lostworlds · 04/08/2025 23:37

I think you need to be single for a while and focus on making yourself happy.

If feels like you’re trying to rush things because your ex has moved on. What you’ve been through is horrible but don’t chase another guy who’s not showing his worth.

Stop messaging him, you are coming off as desperate and clingy right now . One of my closest guy friends said something to me and it’s always stuck with me- if a guy wanted to be would, so if he wanted to message you then he would, if he wanted to reach out then he would do it, if something was going on then he would message and explain he’d be in touch soon. It takes less than a minute to send a message but he doesn’t. He disappears for a while and then you go running back when he shows a bit of attention.

Delete this guy, focus on being single and deciding what you want from life.

waterrat · 04/08/2025 23:42

You are demeaning yourself taking scraps from this guy.

You are worth more ❤️

Get some therapy or read some self help books about relationships and do not waste a single second more on this man.

Enrichetta · 04/08/2025 23:48

Bengal233 · 04/08/2025 20:26

@AnotherGreyMorning thats hit the nail on the head, he is very difficult. I know I sound desperate. I’m annoyed at myself for how I’ve made myself come across! It’s pathetic even I can see that.

Reading these books would be an infinitely better use of your time than microanalysing what went wrong with your recent relationship:

  • Women who love too much
  • The six pillars of self esteem
Lilylolamillie · 04/08/2025 23:54

Bengal233 · 04/08/2025 23:03

@Lilylolamillie your situation sounds very, very similar to mine. He does gaslight me all the time when I question things or turns it round that I’m being needy. Even yesterday he lied about saying he didn’t have his phone on him as he was at work but he’d read the messages as there were two blue ticks.
I’ve not messaged him anymore and I know I need to stay away from him. Everytime I have attempted to do it up to now he says all the right things and tells me how much he wants me and wants everything with me etc and reels me back in and then he goes quiet again or reads messages and doesn’t answer them or just doesn’t read them for days and we go round in a vicious circle. He is 7 years older than me too.

Everything you have said is true, I do need to be on my own for a while and properly find myself again and heal completely ready for when I do meet somebody I am in a place in myself I want to be. It’s so scary being on your own when you were with someone for such a long time from such a young age.
Thank you for your message, that’s really helped knowing someone has been in a similar situation to me x

Oh god, my ex did all of this. At times I felt I was losing my mind and my self esteem was so low that I always thought if I could fix things it would work out okay. I made so many excuses for his behaviour when friends were telling me to end things.
Please believe me you’ll feel so much better once you’re away from him. No need for a conversation just block his number, block all social media and move on. Once you take that step you’ll start to feel so much better about yourself.
Life’s too short to be with someone who makes you feel like this. A partner should enhance your life not drag you down.
Yes you’ll feel rubbish for a while but no worse than you’ve felt while with him. Then after a couple of months you’ll realise how great life is without him in it x

seanconneryseyebrow · 05/08/2025 00:03

I was you. It took me 8 years to be really ready and that’s cos I fannied about with knobs like this for 5 years. Then I spent 3 years alone truly healing and recovering. I become completely happy living alone and being in my own skin. I got my self esteem back. I met a lovely man 3 mths ago and have fallen hard but he is consistent and treats me extremely well and there are zero red flags. If he stopped showing up I would have no hesitation in ending it. Because i genuinely am happy alone (never thought id say that). Having him is an added bonus but if he stops enhancing my life and causes me any drama or insecurity he’s gone.

You won’t need as long as me if you just give you time to heal and enjoy being alone. Truly it’s life changing and I think everyone should do it tbh.

DiscoBob · 05/08/2025 00:10

This is not a relationship. He has no respect for you and you're too clingy towards him. You kept letting him back in even though he's not that into you.

If he was he wouldn't come up with all this bullshit about hospitals etc.

What was he in hospital for? Unless he was in a coma he'd have had someone bring him in a phone within a day, even if he didn't have his own. And his friend messaging you. It's all complete bullshit.

Please don't waste any more time with this idiot. Be single, enjoy your friends, your hobbies, your life in general.

You don't need a muggy tosser like him to make you happy. I mean, he doesn't, does he?

Justchilling07 · 05/08/2025 00:26

Overtheatlantic · 04/08/2025 19:19

You’re coming across as a bit unhinged. Sorry.

! That’s really helpful.Then adding sorry, how sincere

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 05/08/2025 00:33

He’s not worthy of you. Stop giving him so much attention. He’s a wrong ‘un!

MsDDxx · 05/08/2025 00:35

From your last post OP I get the impression he is married/in a relationship already, hence the long delay between messages and then lots of love bombing. He wants to keep you on side for fun but can’t always message between his partner/spouse is around.

Enough4me · 05/08/2025 00:48

Look at why you want this relationship- loneliness, jealousy of ex, like a few things Mr not-really-into-you says?
Try to step away from these feelings and imagine the future you, what do you as an individual want, your values, try new things. Dating can be a side line when you've had time to enjoy some individual decision making.

manicpixieschemegirl · 05/08/2025 00:58

He’s not single. He sensed you were vulnerable and took advantage of that because he wanted an ego boost.

You’re not ready to date and unless you give yourself time to heal you’ll keep attracting the same type of man, and be grateful for any crumbs they throw your way.

Rainbowqueeen · 05/08/2025 01:33

Best way to stay away is to delete and then block. It also allows you to move n faster.

You are worth so much more OP. He's a twat and once you work on your self esteem you will realise that

ChessorBuckaroo · 05/08/2025 01:52

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 05/08/2025 00:33

He’s not worthy of you. Stop giving him so much attention. He’s a wrong ‘un!

Yep. You come across as fab OP and deserve better than him.

Maybe take a wee break from men as you've barely had a breather since your twat of an ex cheated.

Catladywithoutacat · 05/08/2025 04:49

Stop dating. Join a gym, get facials and work on yourself forget men for now

Guavafish1 · 05/08/2025 05:00

Block the loser

work on life’s enjoyment alone

BuckChuckets · 05/08/2025 06:03

AtlasPine · 04/08/2025 19:12

Step away from the phone. He’s not that into you and you’re possibly not ready for a relationship which matters yet. Give yourself some time and maybe a few casual dates before you get too involved.

Agree with this. Block him and move on.

babyproblems · 05/08/2025 06:07

He’s not that into you op. He’s not the right one. I suspect he is married based on his flakiness!!!

Sorry to hear about your divorce - I hope you feel better soon and that passes to bring in happier times! Have you had any counselling over the divorce? I think would be a good idea. It’s so stressful and such a huge thing to process xxx

Highlighta · 05/08/2025 06:17

No OP. Stop this right now.

You have healing to do. And this is really really not the way to do it.

This situation is doing you way more harm than I think you realise.

Listen to your friends. Surely they are just trying to have your back. And you are going to push them away too at this rate.