Husband not sharing the load - how do I make him listen?

[WildAmberDreamer]

So our daughter just turned 1 and I would say for the last few months I’ve been doing everything - bedtimes, mealtime, poo explosions, nap time - and it’s really starting to weigh on me as I feel I never get a break.

I told my husband how I feel to which we got in a disagreement about how it’s my job. For reference, my actual job is a teacher and he likes to constantly mention the fact that we don’t all get six weeks off over summer to “just chill”. This is where my problem is,
im not chilling. I barely have time to eat or have a wee most days because she’s such a busy baby.

I always say yes to everything he wants to do from watching tv, to what takeaway we get and just go along with it all. In all honesty, I have no hobbies or interests because they’ve been lost, I just don’t have time because I’m always looking after baby. I always try to ensure he can watch his sports, or walk the dog and chill whilst I take care of the baby.

My husband, admittedly, has an extremely stressful job and is always stressed and tired but so am I - he just doesn’t let me feel it and bring it back to all this “time off” that I have. He does do a lot of other jobs around the house but also complains about the mess I leave - because I don’t get chance to tidy it because I’m doing everything for the baby!

Long story short, how do I get him to listen to me and recognise that yes I am off a lot but not exactly just having a party or sleeping in; yes I am a mother, but when do I get to watch what I want or just do something I enjoy?

It just always ends up in an argument because I tolerate so much and snap.

For a start stop saying yes all the time and accommodating what he wants. If you’ve lost your interests and hobbies start bringing them back.

If your baby is usually in childcare can you keep that going a bit in holidays so you get some down time?

From what you’re saying it sounds like you’ve allowed yourself become a downtrodden wife, which I understand, having a baby really pushes you to the bottom of the heap, and from that position it’s difficult to get him to listen. Start to do what you need to to reclaim who you are, then you’ll start feeling better and it won’t necessarily rely on him meeting your expectations.

If he is not totally incompetent, book a few days away and leave him with the baby. That might give him an idea of how “chill” it is to look after a one year old 24/7.

Honestly, he sounds like yet another selfish twat of a man. They are frequently discussed on here.

I can imagine how maddening it must be to hear him harping on about how much time off you get. During term time and you’re working, what does he contribute? Or do you do everything?

While you are home, which bit does he want to you take on full time?

The baby
Or the household
Or 50/50 of both

Because he needs to pick up the other side

Go away. Plan it and go.

This. You're married to a selfish, lazy 1950s-man. He thinks being at home with a baby is 'time off'. He needs educating.

Mine refused to do anything, so I decided to leave mine. He told me he would never pay me a penny if I left him etc, he wanted 50:50, he'd go for full custody etc. So I left him with 1yo ds for a weekend - 6pm on Friday to 9pm on Sunday.

He hasn't threatened me since. 😊

Best way is to go away for a break/few days and let him watch baby completely on his own. No amount of you telling him will make up for him seeing first hand what it’s like himself.

Uh, you sound like you’re in the trenches. This bit of parenting is hard.

The only fair way to get things to work in a house with a baby and two jobs is to make sure you BOTH get equal time off. Eg one weeknight and half a day at the weekend each with no childcare, household or work responsibilities. You can do absolutely nothing (guilt free), catch up with friends, rekindle a hobby, etc and you both get some downtime. He also gets to step up and hopefully learn some empathy.

I wish I had this advice as a young working mum as it felt like I was failing at everything but I was utterly burned out while my DH got to rest after his ‘stressful job’ 🤨

Age and experience has helped me to be more assertive and my DH to be less self-absorbed.

@Namechangetheyarewatching
He does do the cooking, and takes majority care of the dog and does do general tidying around the house. I can’t fault him for that.

Im just at the point where he is starting to see the only thing I do is look after the baby and that I’m always on holiday.
I get I’m lucky but that’s not my fault, it’s the jobs fault.

I’m coming from a different perspective here but he works and then does cooking and tidying. That does seem like he is pulling his weight and is quite a lot. Some things may not always be ‘equal’ at times but I think this is a reflection of being married and having a baby is like. Some days you may do more and then vice versa

why are you so busy with just 1 and nothing else? Do you have a routine?

im coming from a perspective that you need to see what he is doing, rather than what he isn’t.
thats a bit of a negative view and no wonder you feel you are in this situation but it probably isn’t that bad at all from the outside. sorry this may sound harsh.

So he does pull his weight plus a stressful job? What area do you want more help in, is it with the baby? Could you not suggest he does bedtime one night or something like that

And I’m sorry to be that person but there is a
perception that teachers do have a lot of time off compared to other jobs in the public sector (who also do work in their evenings and own times without any extra pay).

What time does your baby go to bed OP? Could you start a hobby which takes you out of the house one evening a week - gym, fitness class, book group, choir, walk with a friend - so you can start to feel more like a person again?
Start small, build up to booking a day out or perhaps a weekend away so he can see what it’s like looking after a baby full time?

The answer is you chose to have a child and it’s a 24 hour a day job until they leave home and often even after they have. No idea why you haven’t already worked that out.

1. I do get a lot of time off but I’m not the DfE I can’t change it - I also don’t complain about it. My issue is the way my husband uses it to come back at me when I say I’m tired or can you help with dinner or bath time.
2. I did choose to have a child and I’m loving it but sometimes it feels like you’re more alone than ever.
3. My husband does do a lot around the house but just never baby stuff and I never get a break from the baby but I try to make sure he does - that’s my imbalance but he won’t listen because back to point 1, I have so much time off why am I complaining I have no time.
4. if I’m not looking after the baby, I’m washing bottles, doing washing, putting washing away and honestly feeling shitty about life.

It sounds like you need to look inward rather than at your husband. You seem to only allowing yourself to be tired and not
him because he isn’t looking after the baby 24/7. You need to see that he also
has his own stresses too, different yes, but sorry this is the reason you are arguing. It sounds like he is doing his best. You are in maternity leave to look after your child (as am I), that is a fact. I’m tired and want time off, but so does my husband. I don’t look at him and ask him to do everything, instead I see how we work together as a team. I do certain things and he does the other. That’s life im afraid.

You will end up divorced if you carry on with this view.

You sound like you're feeling quite low and you need to reclaim a bit of time for yourself.

Even if he is doing his share or almost, it seems the monotony of you always solely doing the babycare might be part of the problem.

Can you switch roles one evening a week and one weekend day?

Taking care of the baby is how you bond and build a relationship with them. Perhaps reframe the situation and ask him what kind of relationship and bond he wants with his child as they grow up. This might help. What is his relationship like with his father and how involved was he when your husband was growing up? Talk about that; it is usually illuminating.

Also, teaching is one the most stressful jobs so don't allow the situation to be framed as 'he is the one with the stressful job'

When ours were 1, we definitely weren’t getting to do hobbies or things we enjoyed. It was full on and busy.

But you need to stop being available. Yes, you work term time only, so during the work day when school is out, you are the childcare. But in evenings and on weekends, it’s 50/50 if not more on him. Hand him the baby and say, you do bathtime and get her ready for bed. You tidy up and listen to a podcast for an hour while he does that. My dh did all the parenting from when he walked in the door until bedtime. I cooked and tidied up, but meant I got a break. I took over at the actual putting to bed part and he finished anything downstairs.

On the weekends, make plans. He can watch sports at home with a baby. Say I’m going to have lunch, here’s the baby. Leave him to figure out what to do. If you can afford it, go away for the weekend. I went to Australia for 2 weeks for work when my eldest was 16 months. Dh (who is generally great) had a whole new appreciation for everything I did after 2 weeks of solo parenting. You need to take up more space in your relationship.

Hero! This needs to be an automated response to the 90% of mumsnet threads which are about useless men!

Strongly suspect if you had a weekend away to yourself and left husband to deal for three or so days. You might see a change.

Look at the division of tasks. Get him to do some baby related stuff and u do.something unrelated. Have you got anyone who can look after your child so u can have some quality couple time together? Find a hobby on a particular day that you wish to attend and go to.it. Husband looks after child. As for being a teacher and having all the holidays. I am still recovering from the last term- exhausting

OP, I'm assuming you don't want to leave him. If not, my advice would be as follows.

Meet your needs because no one else is going to. Prioritise yourself. Don't feel guilty about doing this. He's obviously prioritising himself.

If you can afford it, book your DC into nursery 2/3 days a week throughout the school holidays. If not, find a reliable babysitter who can come regularly and take her out for a few hours.

You can ask until the cows come home but he probably won't change. So you need to change in terms of what you're prepared to put up with. Just tell him "This is what I need. If you have a problem with it, then you can do more but until then, I'll do what I have to".

ah OP I hate it when men try and pretend there’s no work in looking after little children. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Make sure you get some time or yourself for gym/walk/coffee/hobby as suggested above, so he has sole charge of baby for good chunks of time. You have a stresssful job and need to recharge as well.