Husband not sharing the load - how do I make him listen?

[WildAmberDreamer]

So our daughter just turned 1 and I would say for the last few months I’ve been doing everything - bedtimes, mealtime, poo explosions, nap time - and it’s really starting to weigh on me as I feel I never get a break.

I told my husband how I feel to which we got in a disagreement about how it’s my job. For reference, my actual job is a teacher and he likes to constantly mention the fact that we don’t all get six weeks off over summer to “just chill”. This is where my problem is,
im not chilling. I barely have time to eat or have a wee most days because she’s such a busy baby.

I always say yes to everything he wants to do from watching tv, to what takeaway we get and just go along with it all. In all honesty, I have no hobbies or interests because they’ve been lost, I just don’t have time because I’m always looking after baby. I always try to ensure he can watch his sports, or walk the dog and chill whilst I take care of the baby.

My husband, admittedly, has an extremely stressful job and is always stressed and tired but so am I - he just doesn’t let me feel it and bring it back to all this “time off” that I have. He does do a lot of other jobs around the house but also complains about the mess I leave - because I don’t get chance to tidy it because I’m doing everything for the baby!

Long story short, how do I get him to listen to me and recognise that yes I am off a lot but not exactly just having a party or sleeping in; yes I am a mother, but when do I get to watch what I want or just do something I enjoy?

It just always ends up in an argument because I tolerate so much and snap.

Why did you even marry him?

Where is your baby looked after when you are working? Can you continue their childcare routine through the holidays- that way you really would get the break that DH likes to say you do.
Or find an alternative - a childminder for a couple of days a week? or for ams or pms?
It's tough looking after a 1 year old day after day. It's also tough going to work.

What a selfish man.

My husband has always done bath times and got our daughter ready for bed. Because he is at work all day he wants to spend some quality time with her. As a baby (she is nearly 3) once he was home he changed every nappy.

I don’t think he will change to be honest. I would look at getting yourself into a hobby or something that gets you out of the house. Even if just for a couple of hours once a week. Don’t ask him, tell him.

Stop doing things for him, no cooking washing his clothes no picking up after him. Nothing. He can do it his self.

Stop making her feel even worse. Lucky for you your DH is a great help, not everyone is like that. Different jobs, different mental loads and don’t make her DH be the villain, he most likely is not. The issue here is lack of communication, not ‘he must do this and you must to that’ vibe! They are both on different wavelenghs and there is a lack of understanding. The other issue is the OP thinking negatively about the whole situation, it’s a feel sorry for me situation. Kids are tiring, there’s no getting away from that. And sorry it doesn’t get any better, and it’s even worse when you have more kids.

I think we are married to the same person lol. also got an almost 1 yo, love of my life, but I have the feeling that OH thinks I have the easy job. Everything turns into an argument because I have no brain space left to discuss stuff with him like "what colour to paint a door" and he blames me for that and finds it irritating.
He doesn't (want to) understand that I have a 24/7 job that requires all my mental capabilities. I have not eaten 1 meal in peace and me suggesting him taking over something is met with a scoff...I just want to scream (oh and we both WFH, granted he does more)
Solidarity OP!

Don't be too quick to leave him alone with the baby 'to teach him a lesson'!

I left my husband for 3 nights with our 1-yo son while I went on a hen weekend. I told the girls it'd test him and show him how hard it can be, and they all nodded of course.

Yeah. Well. When I got back our son was asleep in his cot, the house was basically spotless, the washing was done, dry and folded up, AND he'd made a batch of fucking jam with wild plums he'd picked when out for a walk that morning.

So much for that then.

It’s so hard with a one year old. Just a message to say that I felt similar at that stage. It’s so different a year on now. Child can be left for short periods playing etc, and are confident walkers etc so you aren’t worried about bumps so much. Mine also sleeps much longer now and we are less exhausted. They also eat what we eat generally and don’t need special weaning meals. Also no more bottles!
It’s just much easier. so I guess my message is one of hope that things will get easier, not harder.

Going back to work, although an initial adjustment, meant the gaining of a lot of adult freedom and company, that you don’t have on mat leave.

My post doesn’t particularly solve your DH issue but I hope that it gives you a bit of solidarity in recognising the difficult phase that you are in at the moment, and that things will get easier. xx

Ugh can you not. Some kids are just harder work than others. And she should not be doing 100% for her child no matter what, no matter if he was in a coal mine 18 hours a day. That's his baby too, she has two parents and deserves time with both of them, and OP deserves a break from being constantly switched on and the one responsible for DD.

To be fair a few days when you know you're going to be judged afterwards is really different from the relentlessness of every day day in day out.

I knew my DH would never be like your DH. He would always pick up the slack when it came to looking after his children, he loved it and knew it was just part of being a dad.

Has your DH always been selfish and dismissive of how you are feeling?

Can you afford a cleaner?

Who says she's on maternity leave?

I think you are waiting for your white knight to chivalrously swoop in and rub your feet, take the baby etc.

It's not going to happen.

You take back some control here. Don't pander to his needs, you're too busy. Get back to your hobbies. Leave him with the baby more. If it causes tension then ride it out until he realizes this is how it is now.

If that causes long term issues then he knows where the door is.

Hilarious 😂

Yes but that was probably all performative to prove a point. It wouldn't happen on a regular basis, I bet.

I'm so sorry op. You're in the trenches and in them alone. Do you have a wider network to seek support from?

It's quite a fundamental issue to have in a relationship. He essentially doesn't respect you or think your feelings and experiences are valid. He only sees his view. That makes you a second class citizen in his eyes. Unfortunately untill his reality changes and he has to sacrifice his comfortable life he won't understand how hard it is for you op. Do you think he understands empathy op? Does he show this to you in other ways or circumstances? Do you feel his emotional intelligence is lacking?

Life isn't a competition just because he finds his job stressful doesn't mean it trumps anyone else's day. Him showing you no empathy or support that's the quickest way for you to have far less for him. You should be working as a team recognising the days when one of you has nothing left in the tank so the other steps up. Unfortunately he isn't stepping up.

Does he have any good male role models around him? Or is he surrounded by men who think the children and home are a woman's job.

No advice really OP. Just want to say I know what you mean. I have an 8 month old. Not a difficult baby but really alert and active! I go to the loo with her on my lap as she thinks it’s the best thing! Looking after a small child is really hard and very tiring…
just yo make you giggle, if you think he had a dig at your holidays (because of school) I got asked at dinner whilst he was making chit chat if I was enjoying my holiday (he was referring to mat leave)
he does work (CEO role for a global company) and does his bit for the house and the dog but if given the choice, he would just go to the gym and sit in his study/office…
I know it’s tough…

How short sighted of him to mock the school summer holidays.

Has it occurred to him that if you did any other job, you'd probably be working right now and he'd be doing more? Or (assuming you continue in a school role) the thousands of £ in holiday clubs you'll save once your own child reaches school age?

Surely your DH must realise that you working term-time only will save your family a lot of money as you won't need to pay for childcare during school holidays. Also, being a teacher is stressful as it is a role that requires a lot of preparation outside school hours and many teachers take work home and work in the evenings.

He seems to be actively avoiding spending time with his baby, which is a concern. How often do you leave him on his own with the baby?

You don't have to be perfect, give yourself a break. It sounds like he's doing a lot too and you are both a bit overwhelmed. Can you tell him that going on about you being on holiday when you are working 24/7 is not funny or helpful. Could he take the baby for a walk when he takes the dog for a walk to give you a break without disrupting his routine?

I just want to say thank you to those who get it. I suppose I just wanted to feel a bit validated, but I can see the other side. We’re both stressed just in different ways. I think I’m just in a negative space right now.

For those saying all babies are the same or what did I expect, She’s not been an easy baby - super busy, allergies, too and fro to appointments, refusing sleep etc. it’s a lot for one person to deal with.

Yes indeed. I posted the story for a bit of comic relief, but also because there were several people advising the OP to do actually do it, but it's not the solution.

You expect to come home to chaos with your DH unshaven in his dressing gown, and the baby screaming in his dirty nappy. But they just approach it as a three day project, like doing a DIY job or something.

And then afterwards believe you even less when you say you've had enough, because it's easy isn't it, you just need to approach it logically darling like I did, remember I even made that jam didn't I.

@WildAmberDreamer does she do any time at nursery? No one can do it all and as someone who was in a similar position, I realised I wasn’t going to change my DH. He wasn’t going to miraculously step up and I didn’t want to leave him (which is often the advice). So instead I just outsourced as much as I could get away with. Started my child at a local nursery every morning, whether I was in work or not. Got a cleaner. Started a new hobby. I felt much better for it. The only person who is going to prioritise you, is you.

How much 1:1 does he spend with the baby? Whilst you’re at a weekly gym class (and baby is asleep?) or how often are you out with friends during the day without the baby?

@ThriveIn2025

She does during term time, but it’s the summer holidays so shes at home with me until school starts again and I go back to work.

I think I just need to take more advantage of the weekends when we’re both home and frame it from him spending time with her.

From what you’re saying, it sounds like you want more time to yourself, rather than for him to do more, if that makes sense?

I found it really hard to forge time for ‘me’ when my DC were little, too. ExH used to say ‘well I’m not stopping you’ when I asked for time to myself, but didn’t really encourage it either.

What worked for me initially was having somewhere definite to go once a week, just to get out of the house. I did evening classes first. Then once I realised that the world wouldn’t end if I left DC with him, I started forging a bit more time: couch to 5k, then nights out, etc.

Maybe start with that? One night a week where you go out? (Evening class? Friend’s house? Walk?) That way, you will get the time off you want, and he will see how hard it is to look after DC solo.