How do I stop my DH from feeding me?

[Imaybeoldbutstillrandy]

For context. DH &b me met after I'd been caring for my parents who died within 9 months of each other in 2020 (during Lock Down or Covid Social Distancing) I was also working full-time in a very stressful job where my hours rocketed during Lock Down to the extent that I claimed over 60 hours per month overtime in the 1st 3 months of lockdown - on top of the 37.5 normal hours that I worked.

Then in late 2020 I met DH on OND. When we met I was a size 4 & weighed about 5.2 stone (at the most) - far to thin for my 5.0 height. I admit that, but I was running around working, caring for parents & didn't eat properly - if at all.

DH is a retired chef & took it as his mission to feed me up for which I'm grateful. He would make sure that I had a microwave breakfast oaks to put in the microwave when I got to work, prepare a packed lunch for me & I'd come home to a delicious dinner that he'd prepared.

All well & good & I'm grateful to him.

OK - so now, nearly 5 years on I went for MOT with Practice Nurse. I'm 64kg which is close to 10 stone. I'm pushing a size 14 &, frankly, am fat. I have to wear Bridget Jones Big Knickers as my usual ones get stuck under my huge belly & roll down being uncomfortable. I have very few clothes that fit me (biggest I've ever been is a size 10) & I feel very unattractive. Practice nurse to,d me that I'm officially obese & need to take steps to lose weight.

I put this to DH. I told him how much I enjoy his food & appreciate the way that he looks after me (he does all laundry, ironing, cooking & most of housework) but, if I carry on the way that I'm going, I will be seriously overweight. I also explained that I don't feel sexy as I feel fat. He doesn't see it - he says that I look great & he loves cooking for me.

I've suggested that he contact local food banks/soup kitchens who prepare food for homeless people & feed those who need food & who would appreciate his professional expertise. I was accused of rejecting him &b his food. We had a big discussion about him equating food with love which isn't a healthy relationship. He agrees that is an issue - in that he feels that feeding the people you love as a way of showing your love & that he has probably done this with me. But he doesn't see how him feeding me delicious meals where he's spent the day marinading chicken & serves it in a lovely sauce (for example of one of his meals) isn't helping me now that I'm over 2 stones overweight & counting.

He's now got a 'cob on' & saying he will never prepare a meal for me again, I can sort my own lunches out, I can starve myself if I like, live off microwave meals, pick on a bit of salad & become anorexically thin again, he doesn't care - humph.

Can he not just prepare slightly healthier meals, or prepare smaller portions?

I don’t see the problem, you’ve got what you wanted, to be in charge of your own meals.

You are not ‘officially obese’ - what nonsense. You’re in the overweight category. But I can’t imagine any nurse telling anyone of 10 stone that they were obese. They must see many heavier people.

I guess you may have disordered eating or an unrealistic idea of your weight and how you look, based on how thin you used to be.

Maybe you should take responsibility for your own food consumption, instead of relying on your h to feed you?

Just make and eat your own meals surely? Why the victim mentality

I’m married to a feeder. He’s completely devoted to feeding me and anyone else in the house. He’s a great cook, loves healthy food and cooking from scratch. I have markedly less interest in it.

When I work from home from my office upstairs he’s always popping in or texting me to see if I want anything to eat (he wfh every day). I have to work hard to stay thin. I’d be as fat as a fool if I ate even as much as he does (he’s really slim), so I have to be very strict. I eat nothing until 2pm at the earliest and then it’s only 2 rice cakes. He does prepare my dinner, but has learnt to give me a small portion.

He knows if he left it to me to prepare my own food, I’d eat nothing or something crappy, so this works for us.

Take some responsibility and stop putting the fork in your mouth.

Does this mean that all you eat all day is 2 rice cakes and a small portion of dinner 😲. Surely this is only about 1000 calories no matter high calorie your dinner is?

You've missed the point he equates food with love, if I did that he would ask what was wrong with the meal that he'd spent all day preparing - which frankly is always excellent restaurant quality food.

Ironic as your name is Baking Muffins which is hardly the healthiest of food stuff.

Just don't eat everything he puts on your plate, there's no law that says you have to.

Thank you - I've started accepting the porridge (healthy), but refuse anything other than Ryvita & low fat cottage cheese until dinner. I've also managed to persuade him that it's not fair that he does all cooking & a bit of a bus man's holiday as he's a retired chef. So I cook 3-4 days a week & make sure it's low fat & I have a small portion. This has only been in last 2 weeks so will take a while to show an affect on my weight. I've also started taking our dog out for walks when I get home from work as well as the walks that she gets with him - I walk her at a fast pace for 30 minutes a day. Poor dog walked off her feet but at least it means that I get some exercise. 😂

I think that you've missed the point - he equates food with love & would be upset & ask what was wrong if I left anything. I often say 'Oh darling this is lovely, but I can't manage it all' & then he will say 'never mind, hopefully you have room for a sweet...'

Unless you've experienced it I wonder if you would understand. He gets so upset if I don't eat his food.

Does this mean that all you eat all day is 2 rice cakes and a small portion of dinner 😲. Surely this is only about 1000 calories no matter high calorie your dinner is?

Sounds like the diet that I need - at least to start with.

Can you not find a middle ground and sit with him and come up with some healthy meals together? I mean the chicken he’s marinading…what is he using to make that unhealthy? Nice flavoured chicken and salad, I don’t really see the issue, relatively healthy meal right there?

So confused with the replies so far. This man has given me the major ick just reading about him. He is controlling - he is not listening to what you want and making it all about him - his feelings, his need to 'look after' you. Who cares about what you want, whether you are happy in yourself and healthy... it's all about him. This is not a decent man.

If cooking food for you is important to him, and you are otherwise happy in the relationship then couldn’t this just be reframed as him cooking food that meets your nutritional needs, so still preparing meals for you but ones that are high protein and fibre, lower carb, that add up to a total calorie limit of 500 less than your TdEE, that include healthy fats….

He doesn’t have to stop cooking, he just needs to cook different things because you still need to eat and he likes being the one to provide that for you.

You control what you put into your mouth. Nobody has the right to tell another adult what, or how much to eat. You could point out that coercive control is a form of domestic abuse and is now a criminal offence.

Tough. He's old enough to be upset and deal with it like an adult.

It sounds like you have incredibly disordered view of food and need professional help, not validation from the competitive undereaters on MN telling you that waisted pants and a size 14 means you're going to have a heart attack (Bridget Jones wasn't fat btw, she weighed something like 9.5 stone and was a size 10/12 far from fat).

Quite simple really, 'sorry I don't want such a big portion, delicious though, thanks'

OP You can eat his delicious food but just have smaller portions. Encourage him to be creative and plan healthier meals for you. Make sure you have a healthy breakfast and lunch, no snacking in between and perhaps try fasting, so fast 12 hours between dinner and breakfast?

Using the NHS BMI calculator:

www.nhs.uk/health-assessment-tools/calculate-your-body-mass-index/calculate-bmi-for-adults

If you are 5 feet tall and weigh 10 stone, your BMI is:

"27.3
"Your BMI is in the overweight category."

Your BMI would need to be over 30 to come into the Obese category.

Why does it have to be all or nothing? He either overfeeds you with lavish meals or says, you starve, I don't care. Surely there is a happy medium? He might like feeding his loved ones but he shudn't be forcing you to the point where you feel unhealthy. Seems like it's his way or nothing. That is very odd and not healthy in any way. Seeking couples therapy might be a way to resolve this issue.

Strange and defensive response

Firstly, good home cooked food is usually healthy, its about portion size and unfortunately good home cooked food is also tasty so it is hard to restrain yourself I find.

So prior to serving up, put portions in a tub for the lunch tomorrow or dinner tomorrow, halve your portiion straight away

Secondly, equating food with love isnt 'unhealthy' its a fairly standard, usual, normal human trait and seen far far more in other cultures than here, which is why we have quite a poor food environment and levels of obesity which are far higher than many other countries.

Equally you can eat as little of his lovely food as you choose.

He makes toppings like tuna mayo, or tarragon chicken to top the rice cakes with.

But yes, I try and stick to around 1000 calories per weekday, more at the weekend. This is what works for me.