How do I stop my DH from feeding me?

[Imaybeoldbutstillrandy]

For context. DH &b me met after I'd been caring for my parents who died within 9 months of each other in 2020 (during Lock Down or Covid Social Distancing) I was also working full-time in a very stressful job where my hours rocketed during Lock Down to the extent that I claimed over 60 hours per month overtime in the 1st 3 months of lockdown - on top of the 37.5 normal hours that I worked.

Then in late 2020 I met DH on OND. When we met I was a size 4 & weighed about 5.2 stone (at the most) - far to thin for my 5.0 height. I admit that, but I was running around working, caring for parents & didn't eat properly - if at all.

DH is a retired chef & took it as his mission to feed me up for which I'm grateful. He would make sure that I had a microwave breakfast oaks to put in the microwave when I got to work, prepare a packed lunch for me & I'd come home to a delicious dinner that he'd prepared.

All well & good & I'm grateful to him.

OK - so now, nearly 5 years on I went for MOT with Practice Nurse. I'm 64kg which is close to 10 stone. I'm pushing a size 14 &, frankly, am fat. I have to wear Bridget Jones Big Knickers as my usual ones get stuck under my huge belly & roll down being uncomfortable. I have very few clothes that fit me (biggest I've ever been is a size 10) & I feel very unattractive. Practice nurse to,d me that I'm officially obese & need to take steps to lose weight.

I put this to DH. I told him how much I enjoy his food & appreciate the way that he looks after me (he does all laundry, ironing, cooking & most of housework) but, if I carry on the way that I'm going, I will be seriously overweight. I also explained that I don't feel sexy as I feel fat. He doesn't see it - he says that I look great & he loves cooking for me.

I've suggested that he contact local food banks/soup kitchens who prepare food for homeless people & feed those who need food & who would appreciate his professional expertise. I was accused of rejecting him &b his food. We had a big discussion about him equating food with love which isn't a healthy relationship. He agrees that is an issue - in that he feels that feeding the people you love as a way of showing your love & that he has probably done this with me. But he doesn't see how him feeding me delicious meals where he's spent the day marinading chicken & serves it in a lovely sauce (for example of one of his meals) isn't helping me now that I'm over 2 stones overweight & counting.

He's now got a 'cob on' & saying he will never prepare a meal for me again, I can sort my own lunches out, I can starve myself if I like, live off microwave meals, pick on a bit of salad & become anorexically thin again, he doesn't care - humph.

Yes, she literally says that's what she 2ants to eat and what she cooks in her replies...

I disagree, most women who are just five feet tall and a size 14 are overweight/borderline obese.

And yet you'd be factually wrong. At 5ft and 64kg, the OP's BMI is 27.6 which is classed as overweight but a long way off obese. Basically she's about a stone off from obese, not 'borderline' at all.

Very difficult to do when nice food is in front of you, like any animal we eat with our eyes and if food is still there, then we're going to eat it in the majority of situations

So thats why I advised OP that right from serving up, you divide out the portions and put half in a tub for left overs, then its not there at the table. Put it straight in the freezer, no temptation then to nibble at it later in the evening.

I did say overweight or borderline obese so I am not factually wrong.

He’s being quite controlling. Reminds
me a bit of the mother of an old boyfriend of mine who insisted on cooking him a birthday dinner despite the fact he’d told her well in advance that we were going out (he lived at home- we were young).

See you later, mum
But I’ve cooked you your favourite !
I told you days ago that I was going out for dinner.
Yes but I thought it would be a surprise. Why not cancel your reservation?

etc etc. Awful.

Anyway, either he starts cooking suitable food or you each cook for yourself. It’s quite possible to eat delicious food on a diet though- doesn’t have to be ryvita and cottage cheese.

Point him towards the NHS healthier families web site, lots of healthy meal ideas for him to cook for you. Good luck OP.

I imagine going from a bmi of around 14 to 27 and putting on 5st in a few years feels very uncomfortable. I can also imagine you’ve had a bit of a fright as to what would happen if that continued in the same pattern.

You aren’t obese but are overweight and for certain ethnic groupings obesity starts at a lower bmi. However, it does sound that perhaps you could benefit from support around body image maybe? To recognise what a healthy and strong body looks like.

I imagine DH met you and saw someone that was severely underweight and with a potential eating disorder and is now terrified of you going back to that or idealising that size.

can you sit down together and talk it through, try to see each others point of view?

you could ask him to focus recipes on protein and fibre and lots of nutrients. Have a chat about what your calorie needs are in a day and how you can work together to have healthy diet that allows you to feel comfortable and in control? I imagine he’s very frightened and acted from that place.

You not needing 'saving' is a huge change to his view of your relationship. Maybe that is why he is taking it personally, as if you have no need for him now

I'm married to a chef and i like to watch my weight.

At the beginning he got really huffy and grumpy if i didn't clean my plate (must be a chef thing) so i insisted, by being persistent and frankly annoying about it, on having serving dishes so i can serve myself the amount i want to eat.

And if he is plating something up, i will be very explicit about how much i want. If he doesn'T listen, i don't eat it all - just what i want.

He gets it now, but it took a while for it all to sink in.

My tactic was: well if i'm not allowed to "upset" you by leaving food, you are equally not allowed to "upset" me by not listening to what i want.

I agree.
This is your health.
You have been warned you need to lose weight.
His answer is a petulant toddler tantrum.
So unattractive.

At the moment for my health I have to do a sugar free anti inflammatory diet.
Husband is 100% supporting me and doing it with me.

That is a good man.
You need to read up on controlling men, because he is one.
Not good.

At 5f and 10s your bmi is 27.7 so overweight. Obese is over 30

equally at 5/2 your bmi was 14 and very underweight

but if you aren’t happy with the weight gainyou need to lose weight.

maybe as you were so underweight dh is scared you may lose too much

If dh won’t support you then talk to him about healthy meals

to get to a healthy bmi of 23 means getting to 8s 7 so losing 2.5s roughly

but less is bmi of top healthy end of 25 is 9/2 so losing a stone

Practice nurse to,d me that I'm officially obese

The practice nurse is incompetent. You're not 'officially obese', you're overweight.

Your oh sounds like a controlling, childish knob. Ick. He can't feed you if he's single...I'd do that.

Depends on her ethnic background.