How do I stop my DH from feeding me?

[Imaybeoldbutstillrandy]

For context. DH &b me met after I'd been caring for my parents who died within 9 months of each other in 2020 (during Lock Down or Covid Social Distancing) I was also working full-time in a very stressful job where my hours rocketed during Lock Down to the extent that I claimed over 60 hours per month overtime in the 1st 3 months of lockdown - on top of the 37.5 normal hours that I worked.

Then in late 2020 I met DH on OND. When we met I was a size 4 & weighed about 5.2 stone (at the most) - far to thin for my 5.0 height. I admit that, but I was running around working, caring for parents & didn't eat properly - if at all.

DH is a retired chef & took it as his mission to feed me up for which I'm grateful. He would make sure that I had a microwave breakfast oaks to put in the microwave when I got to work, prepare a packed lunch for me & I'd come home to a delicious dinner that he'd prepared.

All well & good & I'm grateful to him.

OK - so now, nearly 5 years on I went for MOT with Practice Nurse. I'm 64kg which is close to 10 stone. I'm pushing a size 14 &, frankly, am fat. I have to wear Bridget Jones Big Knickers as my usual ones get stuck under my huge belly & roll down being uncomfortable. I have very few clothes that fit me (biggest I've ever been is a size 10) & I feel very unattractive. Practice nurse to,d me that I'm officially obese & need to take steps to lose weight.

I put this to DH. I told him how much I enjoy his food & appreciate the way that he looks after me (he does all laundry, ironing, cooking & most of housework) but, if I carry on the way that I'm going, I will be seriously overweight. I also explained that I don't feel sexy as I feel fat. He doesn't see it - he says that I look great & he loves cooking for me.

I've suggested that he contact local food banks/soup kitchens who prepare food for homeless people & feed those who need food & who would appreciate his professional expertise. I was accused of rejecting him &b his food. We had a big discussion about him equating food with love which isn't a healthy relationship. He agrees that is an issue - in that he feels that feeding the people you love as a way of showing your love & that he has probably done this with me. But he doesn't see how him feeding me delicious meals where he's spent the day marinading chicken & serves it in a lovely sauce (for example of one of his meals) isn't helping me now that I'm over 2 stones overweight & counting.

He's now got a 'cob on' & saying he will never prepare a meal for me again, I can sort my own lunches out, I can starve myself if I like, live off microwave meals, pick on a bit of salad & become anorexically thin again, he doesn't care - humph.

I'm married to a feeder! He likes everything to taste as amazing as possible, and if that means using lashings of fat, salt and sugar, then so be it! He also serves MASSIVE portions. I often say 'please just give me an appropriate amount for a human!'

I once lost my shit as I was trying to lose a couple of pounds by eating healthily. He made a delicious lamb and couscous dish. When I asked why it was so tasty, he casually told me it's because he'd drained off all of the lamb fat and poured it over the couscous!

It's taken years and years of pushing him to be a bit more health conscious for him to adapt to cooking lighter, smaller meals. And he's taken inspiration from some of the meals I cook when it's my turn.

His parents are in chronic health due to obesity, so he is now actively making sure he doesn't follow their lead (he's a healthy weight, thankfully, through being very active, muscular and having a large frame that has a large calorie requirement).

I feel your pain though. It's not as simple as "just cook for yourself" as it's a big pleasure in life to share a meal together.

Have you always been so obsessed about food and weight? You’re now an average size, you were extremely underweight, you are an adult who can decide how much to eat at meal times.

Maybe this ‘controlling’ man was concerned that the OP was so underweight and he doesn’t want her to get so unhealthily thin again.

That sounds like his problem.

Does he want you to feel.physically uncomfortable because he insists on interpreting you eating differently as a rejection of his love?

Casually mention every day after work that a man has commented on your ‘sexy curves’ and he’ll soon be serving up salad every day.

If you enjoy his food, and you obviously do, ask him to serve you a quarter portion and put the other quarter in the freezer for a lunch for you to take to work another day. That will save him time making you lunches and also save some money too.

His desire to feed is not more important than your desire to be a healthy weight. It's your body, not him that will have any health problems later in life. But do stick to healthy, not underweight.

I find it disgusting and controlling. I am a UK size 8 and if my partner turned into a feeder I would break up immediately. Sorry but I don’t find feeders manly at all, yuck. Just tell him to stop sulking and man up and that you don’t like yourself when you’re overweight. Full stop

I would adjust my portion sizes and still eat most of his home cooked foods. It would be good to have a discussion with him and try to explain that it’s not all or nothing, but you would feel healthier and more yourself if you lost a bit of weight, and that you want to adjust your calorie intake.

I would also consider intermittent fasting. My DH and several friends have had success with it.

It sounds as if you are quite busy and likely on your feet a lot, but can you up your weekly exercise at all? Can you cut out or reduce alcohol and fizzy drinks?

Low fat food is an abomination and not healthy at all - you will be hungrier and eating UPFs - if that concerns you.
Whole foods with plenty of protein and fiber and a large portion of vegetables will keep you full and nourish your body. Tell him you want lots of veg, meat and fruits and to have less of the carby sides!

Perhaps you could buy a kettle bell and do some weight training exercises to improve your bone density/health. If you were overworked, underweight and stressed it would have taken its toll on your body and bones. Or try and find some time to start swimming, which is excellent for health.

I think you have some unhealthy views of your body and eating, perhaps reframe your thinking from "I'm so fat I have to diet" to "I need to improve my heart and bone health, eat nourishing food and move my body more to future proof myself"
Of course, you are still reducing your carb intake and smaller portions, so you will lose, but sustainably and you will trick your brain - and husband - into not going OTT

If that’s his ‘love language’ (🤢 hate that phrase), you’re incompatible, I guess.

I love cooking and feeding those I love and if my partner was in a similar situation I’d love the challenge of focusing on healthy protein and fibre rich meals to help them with their goals. Can you sell it to him like that?

So he's just a twat then? People who refuse to listen to their partner when they tell them what they need aren't good people, they're abusive.

He's using coercive control in order to get what he needs from you, and it's not OK.

Next time he throws a strop because you've not eaten something, outright call him out on his behaviour and tell him it's abusive. If he doesn't take that on board then you need to start seriously thinking about leaving him.

He should be seeing this as an opportunity to try some lower calorie meals rather than take it personally. There’s a lot of people on diets and gym fans making food content on social media.

When my DH does this I say that looks lovely but as I said earlier I only wanted some chicken so I’ll have that and make a salad with it etc.

” Getting so upset” is a manifestation of controlling behaviour. You shouldn’t accept it, or try to appease him. It won’t work.
If you don’t want him to cook for you, or you want a smaller portion then tell him so, and don’t back down even if he sulks.
If he continues to ignore you then it’s a bigger issue than just what you’re having for tea.

Mines a feeder and in the end I had to tell him to stop completely or be very specific on what I wanted. Yes he strops but I track for training and frankly I don't care if he strops.

Tell him you're going on a mission to get some weight off and he's welcome to cook specific stuff but you can't indulge in his usual cooking now because it's too nice. Maybe compromise on once a month.

Or serve yourself. He'll still strop but it's just tough shit.

You are not ‘officially obese’ - what nonsense. You’re in the overweight category.... I guess you may have disordered eating or an unrealistic idea of your weight and how you look, based on how thin you used to be.

This with bells on. I don't trust a word you're saying, OP, because there's simply no way a normal person would consider themselves obese at your height/weight. I think you've lost sight of what a healthy weight looks like.

I think you have a problem with food, when you consider how underweight you were

I disagree, most women who are just five feet tall and a size 14 are overweight/borderline obese.

Has the OP mentioned wanting to eat "low fat"?

To me, healthy eating looks like: chicken, vegetable and olive tagine cooked in chicken stock, served with bulgur wheat.

You can eat "healthily" without eating "low fat" and without eating upf.

I had the same issue for years. I really sympathise - it's so frustrating when you feel obliged to do something self-harming in order not to upset your partner.

We've finally reached an accomodation where I will eat the small amount I want and save the rest for the next day, or even the day after. That way I am not rejecting the food but also not eating more than I want. I do have to constantly say: "please remember I have X leftovers for my lunch / dinner today", and it can be a bit monotonous. But it seems like the best we can do.

Surely if he love cooking he can start working on calories and nutrients- sure it’s a challenge for him

Are rice cakes particularly nutritional?

You don't have to clear your plate.
Just stop eating when you want to.