I think he's going to propose and I'm panicking

[BiscuitStealer]

Hi all - sorry this might be a bit all over the place, just needed to vent and maybe get a bit of perspective 😩

Bit of backstory - I’ve known my partner since we were about 12, we grew up in the same area and sort of floated in and out of each others lives and finally got together properly about 2 and a half years ago. I’m 30 in September and he’s already said he’s planning something for my birthday and now I’m spiralling thinking he’s going to propose?? And now I’m not sure what I’d say and that’s making me feel like an awful person.

He’s honestly such a lovely partner. Sweet, kind, funny, thoughtful. Like he’ll do the little things without being asked, always making me a cuppa before I even know I want one. He’s been amazing with my DS (7), they’ve known each other since DS was a baby and he’s just always been there. School runs, bedtime stories, days out to the farm or Legoland, the works. DS has started calling him “dad” sometimes and it melts me honestly, like switches between that and his name, and my partner never makes a thing of it just goes with whatever DS is comfortable with.

So yeah he’s great.

He’s also bisexual which is totally fine with me, it’s just a part of him and he’s always been upfront. Thing is - he’s had more relationships with men and definitely more sexual experience with men. Like I know for a fact he’s had more boyfriends than girlfriends and he’s even said he feels more confident sexually with men.

Which brings me to the bit I’m panicking about 😬

We had a bit of a pregnancy scare last month (false alarm thank god) and it just made me think like… what if we do end up married, maybe more kids, but the sex is just… not it? He’s just not very good in bed 😞 and I feel so shallow for even saying it. He’s not selfish or anything like that, just… he seems awkward? Like overly gentle, too hesitant, almost like he’s not really into it? Doesn’t take charge at all and I don’t want to be the only one initiating everything forever. I’ve tried to be open and encourage him but he sort of clams up or acts like he’s worried he’ll do something wrong. I’m his longest relationship with a woman so maybe he just doesn’t feel fully at ease??

To be blunt it always feels like we’re doing it by numbers. He’ll do the whole foreplay thing but it feels like he’s going through a checklist. Touch here, kiss there, ok now sex. No real build up or passion. He doesn’t seem to get properly turned on unless I’m directing everything and even then it can feel like he’s holding back. Like he’s trying so hard to do things “right” that he’s not actually into it. I don’t know if that makes sense.

It’s like there’s a wall I can’t get past with him. I’ve tried asking what he likes or what turns him on and he always says “I like whatever you like” which is sweet but it’s also not an answer. I want to feel like he wants me.

And I hate saying it because he is such a good man and treats me better than anyone I’ve been with, but I’ve honestly had better sex in much worse relationships. Like the sort of men I wouldn’t trust with my handbag let alone my kid, but at least in bed there was actual passion. Actual fire.

And now this birthday trip is looming and he’s being so sweet and excited about it and I feel like a total cow because I’ve got this voice in my head going “what if he proposes and I freeze and say no.”

The reason I think he might is he’s been weirdly nervous about the birthday plans. Like normally he just lets me pick what I want to do or we plan something together. This time he’s booked something in advance, says it’s a surprise, keeps checking I’ve got the weekend off work. I caught him looking at rings on his laptop a couple weeks back when I walked in the room and he slammed it shut and went all red. So yeah. I think it’s coming.

And I don’t want to hurt him or ruin what we have but also I can’t ignore this knot in my stomach.

I don’t even know what I’m asking here really. I love him and he loves me and DS and on paper it’s all great but something is niggling and I can’t tell if it’s fear or instinct.

Sorry this is long and rambly. Just needed to let it out.

If he does ask and you don’t want to marry him but want to stay with him then I would accept his proposal (assuming it will be in a public place) and then talk to him about how you feel at a later date. It saves you both the embarrassment and an argument and allows you to talk calmly at a time when emotions are not high. You could say it’s lovely but your not ready quite yet or some

if you don’t want to stay with him I would still accept if it’s in public and again talk to him in private and be very open and honest about how you feel.
it does sound more like you feel he’s better suited to being with a man.

must be hard though OP ❤️

I think I would say something along the lines of ' I was not expecting this and haven't given it any serious thought so let's talk about it later. I'm also not sure if it's really what you want?

Don't accept the proposal and then backtrack!

Trust your gut. I don't want to read your thread in 5 years' time about how you're not sure what's going on. You're already not sure. It sounds as though he wants to tick some boxes and you fit the bill. That's not to say he doesn't love you, but he doesn't love you in the way that you want and deserve to be loved.

Find a way of expressing your appreciation for his kindness, but be honest that you don't want to marry him. You don't have to marry someone just because you're grateful he's not an arsehole!

Oh god this is tricky. I personally wouldn't have started a relationship with a man who enjoyed sex with other men. That's not to say I give a damm what other people do or who they are attracted to in any way - it's just I would feel like you- would he want a man again

I think I would gently bring this topic up tonight or tomorrow with him - where do you see us going etc

I went out with someone at uni who later was gay and I didn't know it but I was so naive in then & didn't have the experience to spot the signs.

You're only 30 .. you can take your time

Oh god this is tricky. I personally wouldn't have started a relationship with a man who enjoyed sex with other men. That's not to say I give a damm what other people do or who they are attracted to in any way - it's just I would feel like you- would he want a man again

I think I would gently bring this topic up tonight or tomorrow with him - where do you see us going etc

I went out with someone at uni who later was gay and I didn't know it but I was so naive in then & didn't have the experience to spot the signs.

You're only 30 .. you can take your time

This sounds really harsh but my first thought is, is he bisexual or is he actually gay? Is he in a relationship with a woman because he thinks he “should” be?
He sounds like a really good, decent man, but if he doesn’t actually fully fancy women? This won’t turn out well with you, or with any other woman. You need to talk to him.

That's my feeling too...

Ignore the potential proposal for a minute. Do you feel happy with your relationship with him? It sounds like there's something missing to me and that you are just mates. In which case I think you should end it now don't let it get to the birthday proposal.

If the relationship has reached the proposal stage and you aren’t ready to commit, you need to let the relationship go before he proposes.

You are 30 and he is looking for a life partner and possibly someone to have a child with. After 2.5 years, you know of that person can be you or not. If it is not, then continuing to date is wasting his time.

My first thought was that he's actually gay and hasn't yet accepted it.
You're definitely not a cow for feeling the way you do - you are being honest with yourself and that takes a lot of courage. I think you should delve even deeper into your feelings than you've already done and give yourself a very clear answer to the question if you want to marry him. If not, the kindest thing you can do is to talk to him before your birthday, and tell him honestly how you feel. Marrying him because he's a kind person isn't enough, you'd both end up very unhappy!

Mine too.
He sounds gay but wants a family.
Don't say yes to something that feels off.

Just to clear up a couple things - I don’t think he’s gay. I’ve wondered at points but not seriously. He’s told me before he’s just really particular with his type in women vs men. Like he does find women attractive, just it’s more specific and apparently I’m exactly his type. He was actually the one who first admitted feelings to me - over text when he was drunk lol - and we still took things slow after that, didn’t just jump in

I am happy with him. I do love him. He’s lovely to me and DS, like a proper partner, proper dad figure and we’ve got a really good life day to day. He moved in last summer and everything has felt settled and right in so many ways.

It’s just the sex. And I feel bad even saying it because I know it’s not everything but I don’t think I could marry someone and ignore this part of things.

He does initiate sex sometimes but it’s like he doesn’t really know what he’s doing once it gets going. Or he’ll start doing something I actually like and then stop after a few seconds and move on before it’s got anywhere. Like he’ll kiss my neck or go down on me for like 30 seconds and then just stop and start fumbling to have sex and I’m like… what happened there? And it always ends up being me guiding things, telling him what I want or physically moving his hand or shifting position because he doesn’t pick up on cues. It feels like I’m always the one who has to take control and sometimes I just want to be able to relax and not feel like I’m directing a scene

He’s not selfish with it or anything and he clearly wants me to enjoy it, he just doesn’t seem to know how. I honestly think it’s just inexperience. I’m the first woman he’s been with sexually and I don’t think he really got the chance to figure things out before. He’s had a couple short relationships with women before but nothing serious or physical in the same way. He’s said he always felt more confident with men so maybe that’s part of it

I don’t want to break up with him over this. I do love him. He’s a good man, he’s brilliant with DS, we’re really good in every other way. It just nags at me sometimes that I’m still not fully satisfied and I’m not sure if that’s something that’s going to improve or not.

I’m not even 100% sure he’s going to propose - I might be totally reading too much into it. But with the ring browsing and how secretive he’s been about my birthday plans it’s just made me think.

If its just the sex then talk to him about it. I know you don't want to hurt his feelings but I think you need to tell him exactly what you need and want - he's madly in love with you so he might try harder.

OP my ex-husband was (allegedly) bisexual and he eventually left me for another man.

He then told me that he was definitely gay.

We'd had a very good sex life, though. I mean, unlike what you're describing with your bloke.

I wouldn't rule out your man being actually gay.

Either way, you can't marry him.

Mary Austin was the love of Freddie Mercury’s life, and she remained close too the bitter end and he left her his house and major part of his estate,

I have no doubt he loves you, feels you are his soul mate.

I think you have a month to sort this.

Proposals don’t have to come from the man. You could find a time to talk to him and say you love your life with him and would be tempted to talk to him about marriage. But what holds you back is your sense that you simply cannot meet his real sexual passion. And you think it would be good for him to be sure about this and talk about it in a year. And as long as you always stay close and loving you are prepared to let him go, like Mary Austin told Freddie M to be true to himself.

Maybe you could precipitate this conversation by watching the FM biopic that covers his early relationship with Mary Austin

If you’re already telling him what you want and he’s still not getting it, that’s a problem. Some men are just not very good in bed. And despite direction, communication, and even showing them they just don’t get it. He’s got even less experience than most his age with women so you could give him a bit of leeway from that perspective.
Men need to learn what works for a women and when they do it makes a huge difference. A good sex life is brilliant.
Sadly I suspect if he’s fine having sex with men, you’ll find out in the future that’s he’s actually gay. Whatever he’s telling himself or you now.

Do you have chemistry with him? As in do you flirt, touch, cuddle & talk about fancying each other?

So at around the same age as you, 30, this is the very first heterosexual sexual relationship?

Dunno if it's been said already, but he sounds like he's submissive. He reminds me of men I've been with who were submissive and wanted me to take control and be the dominant and passionate one. They just go through the motions of regular sex, it's lacklustre and boring.

I think that dom/sub role play is so dull and mechanical, personally. I'm only interested in equal levels of dominance/passion/submissiveness that switch organically throughout.

The only way I find being predominantly dominant even slightly hot is via pegging.

Have you discussed anything like this with him?

And not one that comes naturally to him...

Very difficult for you. If it’s just the sex like you say and everything else is just right it’s even harder because you could, like you’ve said, have amazing intense and passionate sex with someone else and yet this person not be so great with your DC or decent in many other ways like your now partner is. It’s almost like you can’t have it all. There’s only you who knows if all the pros outweigh the bad sex/lack of passion. Good luck.

You need to be honest with him OP. It would be really sad to discard a life which is so good in all other aspects without at least trying to resolve the sexual differences together. Good luck

Would you be happy with what sounds to me could be a potential lavender marriage? What happens if you have a family together and he decides he's really gay after all? Are you hoping he'll provide stability in your life for you and your son? Is it really just about the lacklustre sex? You need to sit down and have a frank and serious chat about what you both want as your concerns are valid.

We were surprised at my oldest cousin marrying her DH as he had admitted to her he'd had sex with men previously. He seemed committed to her at that time and she just hoped that she was enough for him and he'd never be attracted to a guy again. I think she thought she could somehow "fix" him. After 5 years and twin DC later, and little sex as knackered because of the DC, he admitted he had met a guy through work and no longer wanted to be married and share their family life. It's almost broken her as she put all her trust and love in someone who couldn't fully commit and who should have been more honest with himself and with her early on.

I suppose it might be worth asking him if he used to be a bottom when he slept with men, as that might explain the lack of initiative. But I think the only way to get over his apparent inexperience is to be honest that you’d like to try some changes in how you do things. And yes, you might have to be quite directive as he’s much less knowledgeable about female pleasure and how it’s something that has to be built, and how easily you can go off the boil if he moves too quickly to the next thing. He knows how male bodies work: that’s why he’s more confident with men.

If you really do love him and your life is good together, it may be worth investing either in sex therapy, or looking at female-centred, female-made porn so he can educate himself. Or both! But this won’t change unless you communicate with him. I think he would rather know and have a chance to improve and explore, than to leave you unsatisfied and lose the relationship.

I would recommend sex therapy as a previous poster suggested. I'm very unconfident in bed, despite being with a long term partner who is very obviously massively attracted to me. I had to do a few courses with a sex therapist to basically be taught different techniques just for my own confidence. I did them on my own but you can do them as a couple too. Highly recommend if you really do want to stay with him.