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Original poster

Dating, are looks or personality more important?

56 replies

Robinoaks · 01/08/2025 19:18

So ladies. I'm dating and I'm torn!
I've had dates with some men who I've found very attractive and had good chemistry with but it hasn't worked out. For me now, good looking means they are either a player or I'm not good enough for them.
I've now met a lovely guy who absolutely isn't my type at all, quite the opposite really. It was a case that we got talking loads online, I liked him alot, we had loads in common, we seem like such a good match and personality wise we really are but when I met him in person I'm struggling with the attraction. There are things I like about him physically but also stuff that I really don't, I feel quite awkward with him when we go out in public, I really can't put my finger on what feels off. We've had about 4 dates but nothing more yet. We have kissed and it felt lovely. I'm so confused!

He is really keen, really wants to make a go of things and I feel like I'm unsure about what to do.
Do I give it time and the attraction will grow or let it go and have a dating break?

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 01/08/2025 19:21

Personality is so much more important than looks. Looks will fade, but you can't change who someone is as a person.

YetanotherNC25 · 01/08/2025 19:26

PP has a point and I went through a stage when dating of going for personality over looks. But that didn’t work as I couldn’t fancy them or see myself with a fulfilling sex life with them. It didn’t work.
It sounds like there isn’t a spark so you can either keep going and see if it develops, or politely decline and find someone you fancy.

LittlleMy · 01/08/2025 19:43

Personally for me, if by the 4th date there wasn’t at least some spark where I get butterflies at the thought of seeing them then I wouldn’t bother continuing. I say that because I’ve tried with men like you’re describing and I wasn’t really truly happy, I sort of got carried along by the enthusiasm of the other person and just thought chemistry would eventually happen but in two such cases it never did and then the guys when their initial excitement dies down realise this and start resenting you and yeah it was just too messy thereafter. So that’s my experience anyway!

Rayqueen · 01/08/2025 19:45

Can't stand people that go for looks they disappear very quickly and then what are you left with...Always picked personality and happily married because of it

Sdpbody · 01/08/2025 19:47

If I am ever in another relationship, money will almost certainly be the the most important factor I will be looking for.

skippy67 · 01/08/2025 20:04

Looks first for me. Personality important of course, but looks first.

DonaldJohnTrump · 01/08/2025 20:09

Not easy for me to say. You can't lose with me!

I have both looks and personality, bigly time.

Mumlaplomb · 01/08/2025 20:23

I think you can still be physically attracted to someone who isn’t conventionally good looking. However are you physically attracted to this man? It sounds like you are not and there does need to be that in a relationship.

HeddaGarbled · 01/08/2025 20:28

Too stark a choice - it’s the whole sheboodle.

OrchidOrchard · 01/08/2025 20:32

I don’t think it’s strictly either. It’s all about the chemistry, you can’t fake that. Looks aren’t a factor with chemistry, the attraction comes from the chemistry. That will make them attractive TO YOU!!

Eric1964 · 01/08/2025 20:34

From a man's point of view: be careful. Physical chemistry is important. My wife and I met in the early days of OLD. She fell in love with me on an emotional and intellectual level; physically, perhaps not so much, and it has caused problems.

And this;

I feel quite awkward with him when we go out in public

Oooof. What do you think it will be like for him if he senses this?

OneNeatBlueOrca · 01/08/2025 20:37

Hatty65 · 01/08/2025 19:21

Personality is so much more important than looks. Looks will fade, but you can't change who someone is as a person.

It isn't true that looks fade
My mum was old when she died, but I still consider her attractive. Not the attractiveness of a twenty year old, of course, but the attractiveness of somebody her age.

That aside, personality and compatibility is more important. What's the point of being with someone who's good looking?But you have nothing in common.

ZoggyStirdust · 01/08/2025 20:38

Sdpbody · 01/08/2025 19:47

If I am ever in another relationship, money will almost certainly be the the most important factor I will be looking for.

That’s pretty mercenary

ZoggyStirdust · 01/08/2025 20:40

OrchidOrchard · 01/08/2025 20:32

I don’t think it’s strictly either. It’s all about the chemistry, you can’t fake that. Looks aren’t a factor with chemistry, the attraction comes from the chemistry. That will make them attractive TO YOU!!

It’s this
you need both but that isn’t a tick list, chemistry isn’t like that.

GoldDuster · 01/08/2025 20:44

If you feel awkard to be seen out in public with him then you need to let him find someone who doesn't.

okydokethen · 01/08/2025 20:47

Nah you have to be physically attracted to someone to be in a relationship. Ultimately you’re signing up to only have sex with this one person.

A lot of women are told it doesn’t matter but it does, it really really does, especially if you get years down the line. There are so many sexless marriages and I’m sure some of this is about women marrying for ‘all the other good bits’ and that’s fine and honourable but not when you end up shrinking away from his touch.

If I can leave my marriage and find myself single, I am determined to find someone I am physically attracted to first.

Mysticguru · 01/08/2025 20:50

For me its authenticity that I'm attracted to

campocaro · 01/08/2025 20:56

As an older woman entering the dating game I think whether you have matched energy is important. I met someone a couple of years younger than me who was quite sweet and kind and clearly into me but very slow and lacked vigour really. I felt our energies were very mismatched - it felt like I was dating a much older person.

GreatTheCat · 01/08/2025 21:02

I don't know. What i do know is i dated my boyfriend for 8 weeks before I slept with him, that's how long it was/took for me to fancy him.

Eric1964 · 01/08/2025 21:14

okydokethen · 01/08/2025 20:47

Nah you have to be physically attracted to someone to be in a relationship. Ultimately you’re signing up to only have sex with this one person.

A lot of women are told it doesn’t matter but it does, it really really does, especially if you get years down the line. There are so many sexless marriages and I’m sure some of this is about women marrying for ‘all the other good bits’ and that’s fine and honourable but not when you end up shrinking away from his touch.

If I can leave my marriage and find myself single, I am determined to find someone I am physically attracted to first.

^^^
This.

Freeflight · 01/08/2025 21:32

I don't think it's so much looks or personality, but attraction as a whole.
I've spent time with men who look vastly different. Many of them aren't who I would instinctively find physically attractive for their looks but because I felt a connection to them it meant how I saw them looks wise changed to align with how they made me feel.
But if I found someone physically unattractive or a bad personality then I'm not sure I would enjoy their company as a whole for dating.

I'd say if you feel awkward or uncomfortable when out with them, then something is definitely not right.

15minutesaday · 01/08/2025 22:30

Personality wins every time for me.

It sounds like he's not quite the right one for you and your instincts know this even though there's nothing fundamentally wrong with him.

Beachtastic · 02/08/2025 10:47

Attraction is not just about looks. If you're not attracted to him, it's not just because he doesn't match the physical profile of someone you'd normally find objectively attractive. Don't override your gut feeling that he's not a good match by focusing on what he looks like. I have no idea how people choose a partner by swiping on a photo!

EBearhug · 02/08/2025 10:56

You need to be physically attracted, but it's whatever that means to you - I've met men who are objectively good looking, but something just doesn't do it for me. So personality and values are also important.

I don't want to go out with someone who can't keep up with me intellectually or is a fan of Andrew Tate or whatever. I know one guy who is great in a number of ways, but the way he is with money - I would never feel secure. He is paid a 6 figure salary but still manages to spend more than comes in.

And chemistry needs to be there. Not long ago, I had a date with a guy who ticks all my boxes in terms of looks and personality- and I just can't imagine going to bed with him, and I am really annoyed at myself about it.

smallsilvercloud · 02/08/2025 12:21

It’s about sexual attraction, they don’t have to be very good looking but I’d need to fancy them, the personality has a big part in this. It’s complex, you also need to have compatibility.