Dating, are looks or personality more important?

[Robinoaks]

So ladies. I'm dating and I'm torn!
I've had dates with some men who I've found very attractive and had good chemistry with but it hasn't worked out. For me now, good looking means they are either a player or I'm not good enough for them.
I've now met a lovely guy who absolutely isn't my type at all, quite the opposite really. It was a case that we got talking loads online, I liked him alot, we had loads in common, we seem like such a good match and personality wise we really are but when I met him in person I'm struggling with the attraction. There are things I like about him physically but also stuff that I really don't, I feel quite awkward with him when we go out in public, I really can't put my finger on what feels off. We've had about 4 dates but nothing more yet. We have kissed and it felt lovely. I'm so confused!

He is really keen, really wants to make a go of things and I feel like I'm unsure about what to do.
Do I give it time and the attraction will grow or let it go and have a dating break?

If the kiss felt lovely surely you are attracted to him?

It's not either/or. You shouldn't be settling for anything other than a man who has a great personality (that you're compatible with) AND you're physically attracted to.

I don't know what you mean by feeling awkward when you're in public with him but I think most of us would be devastated to find out our partners thought that about us, so that should be a gigantic sign you're not right for each other. If what you mean is you think you're more attractive than him and are embarrassed to be seen with someone who isn't conventionally good-looking, you need to work on getting over yourself.

Looks aren’t important, but attraction is. You are attracted to someone for more than their appearance (unless you are completely shallow or have issues).

Dh was completely not my type physically when we met. My type was more tattooed jerks who had a band. And he was more sheep farmer. 😂 But I was attracted to him because he was so lovely and we could talk all night and we had fun together and shared similar values.

It turns out that a lot of what I was attracted to was just because it was familiar and self-sabotaging. I was used to the drama. I struggled a bit that he was so easy and was no drama. It turns out that once you get used to being treated well, no drama is very attractive. So yes, there has to be attraction on some level, but be careful you aren’t sabotaging your attempts to meet someone nice just because you think you only deserve shitheads.

@mindutopia That's a nice tale, and you've got to love a sheep farmer! (I'm not one, but live amongst them.)

A shallow person goes for looks as it works for their social media profiles they see very little beyond looks and they generally do not have any personality or backbone when alla person sees if how the other person looks
A decent person goes for personality as they know looks fade with age and they live in the real world

If there's no attraction, don't force it. I'm sometimes very attracted by people who are not classically beautiful. But after a lifetime of forcing things in the name of "personality", I now respect my desires - if I don't want to tear his clothes out, I don't continue things. I'm 46 and realised life is to short to have sex without being turned on.

Both. He has to be attractive in your eyes and have a good personality. Personality is more important and makes a person more attractive.
In terms of looks though it’s quite subjective. What is attractive to me might not be appealing to you.

In my experience it’s always a bad idea to start a relationship with someone you don’t fancy or have no chemistry with.

Lol.

I agree. You must feel attraction or chemistry to enjoy snogging someone. Otherwise it would feel gross surely?

can you go into a little more detail about why you feel awkward with him. Is it the way he dresses for example?

Chemistry is more important. Sometimes that comes from looks, sometimes from personality....... it's either there or it's not.

Surely the answer is both? Unless you both find them attractive physically, and enjoy spending time in their company, then surely you don't fancy them?

You clearly don't fancy this bloke, the kindest thing to do is throw him back.

I would say compatibility is more important than chemistry. You can have amazing sexual chemistry with someone you're not at all compatible with, but real compatibility will always include sexual chemistry.

It ends up being a combination of both don’t you think? I’ve met many good looking man who I then don’t think ate good looking because of how their personality comes across. Equally, I’ve ended up finding humorous and intelligent man attractive in the end. Personally, I feel my DH has both. He is both a handsome man and massively intelligent and quite funny, although a bit of a grumpy bugger at times.

There are millions of men out there.. why not find one you are attracted to physically and emotionally? He deserves someone who feels like that about him.

Absolutely!

But if I have to tolerate another man, it will be on a yacht, not in a 2 bed terrace.

I’ve been in a similar situation before — we got along great online, but in person the vibe felt a bit off. Later I realised part of it came down to really small details: the profile photo they used, the outfit choice, and even the lighting.

Lighting in particular can make a surprising difference. Think about how warm light makes a meal look so much more inviting — the same applies to people. The angle, the setting, and the colour tone all subtly affect first impressions.

Out of curiosity, I once tried this attractiveness test that breaks down what’s working in your photos and what might be holding them back. It was eye-opening to see how a few tweaks — changing the light, swapping an outfit — could completely change how someone perceived me. Might be worth experimenting with that before deciding where to go next.

Personality of course but there still has to be desire, attraction and chemistry.

I’ve been married a long while and we both are still very attracted to each other. But the marriage wouldn’t have lasted in lust and desire alone, we are on the same wavelength when it comes to politics, raising children, sense of humour and having shared interests as well as our own.

I don’t think you can have a long lasting relationship based on looks alone or on personality alone, there has to be both.

What generally happens with many women is that they date an average looking man who is not their usual type. However , he has such a great personality and they have a spark which means that he looks better than average to them . There is a mutual attraction

Op, you say that you get on well with this man, but your lack of attraction to him and the fact that you would feel uncomfortable going out with him suggests that this is not the man for you

For me there has to be physical attraction. I don’t mean conventional good looks but you need to get that feeling. It’s leading to a sexual relationship so I can’t pretend. Otherwise it’s just friendship.

Looks don’t disappear with age.Joanna Lumley is still beautiful and sexy even if she’s lined. George George is still a handsome man .

Yes we always hear men are visual but so are women, big time. I just don’t want to kiss or have sex with someone who doesn’t physically appeal. Probably the reason for a lot of sexless marriages

Neither.
He needs
Good job, ambition, own home, nice car.
Basically everything i have.

for me it’s looks / sexual attraction

then personality
but the personality has to be my kind of personality so I wouldn’t want to be with someone who is a smoker / drugs drinks rude to a waitress

most marriages end because of lack of sex / money
so I have to be attracted to them physically and we have to be on the same page money wise

I think personally if you don’t have the physical / sexual attraction and you settle because …. You want kids , he’s the best of the worse , your getting older

then you regret it later and will probably feel repulsed if he wants sex, physically touching you and end up in a sexless marriage feeling resentful

I agree that good sexual chemistry can help overcome other problems in the relationship, at least if your OH is not a complete arsehole.