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Original poster

Would you leave your dh if he was consistently messaging another woman?

74 replies

Onmycandlewick · 01/08/2025 16:36

Married 17 years, 3dc. DH very chummy with female co-worker, loads in common. They message often and I’ve recently said this worries me and I think it’s too much. I think he deletes them, I also think he lies about it. They are getting very close. Its upsetting that they seem to need to be touch so much out of work.
now at the point where he said he won’t stop and it’s none of my business. If it upsets me then I should leave.
I don’t want to but I’m starting to think I should.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onmycandlewick · 01/08/2025 16:47

Forgot to add that she’s 5 years younger and unattached.

OP posts:
Unsmart · 01/08/2025 16:50

Well his reaction tells you everything OP.

His relationship with this woman is more important to him than you.

Of course it's your business. You are his wife. He took.vows to you and it's presumably a monogamous relationship so his boundaries with other women is very much to do with you.

If he has said you should leave if you arent happy with his relationship with the woman it really sounds as though marriage is over for him aleady.

I think.you should get legal advice to see where you stand

So sorry you are going through this OP.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 01/08/2025 16:53

Once a man tells you something like this is none of your business, it’s over.
The OW is his priority.
He isn’t even your friend.
I would not stay.

KiwiFall · 01/08/2025 16:55

Yes I’m sorry but if he doesn’t care about your happiness then to me this is more than a friendship on his part. Even if nothing has happened yet, why would he put a friend above you and your relationship. In your position I would have to leave even though I know it would hurt. I’m so sorry.

KiwiFall · 01/08/2025 16:55

Yes I’m sorry but if he doesn’t care about your happiness then to me this is more than a friendship on his part. Even if nothing has happened yet, why would he put a friend above you and your relationship. In your position I would have to leave even though I know it would hurt. I’m so sorry.

Original poster
Onmycandlewick · 01/08/2025 17:04

Yea feeling pretty sh*t knowing this is what he feels about her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onmycandlewick · 01/08/2025 17:05

Unsmart · 01/08/2025 16:50

Well his reaction tells you everything OP.

His relationship with this woman is more important to him than you.

Of course it's your business. You are his wife. He took.vows to you and it's presumably a monogamous relationship so his boundaries with other women is very much to do with you.

If he has said you should leave if you arent happy with his relationship with the woman it really sounds as though marriage is over for him aleady.

I think.you should get legal advice to see where you stand

So sorry you are going through this OP.

Good idea. I will start to look at my options legally and financially.

OP posts:
Silverbirchleaf · 01/08/2025 17:06

Yes. He’s made it clear that she means more than you.

TwistedWonder · 01/08/2025 17:08

I concur with everyone else, he’s told you loud and clear she’s his priority not you.

Get your ducks in a row, seek legal advice and let him go running to her

Original poster
Onmycandlewick · 01/08/2025 17:08

He’s such a lovely bloke in every other way. And dad. It makes me so sad she obvs means so much more to him.

OP posts:
Silverbirchleaf · 01/08/2025 17:09

And if you’ve got three dc, he shoukd be the one leaving.

OneNeatBlueOrca · 01/08/2025 17:18

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 01/08/2025 16:53

Once a man tells you something like this is none of your business, it’s over.
The OW is his priority.
He isn’t even your friend.
I would not stay.

I had an issue like this with my partner of two years. He was developing an emotional attachment with a female colleague. He said he was just listening to her problems, and he probably was.

He kept me fully updated and kept telling me about it.But he took her for a drink to discuss her issues. That crossed a line for me and he did it knowing I wasn't happy.

He proposed doing it again because she d asked for another meet up to give him an update on her situation. And I put my foot down and said, look, she is not your girlfriend.She's not even a close friend.She's a colleague.This is not appropriate on.I'm not happy with it.

He actually put a stop to it, told her he wouldn't be doing that again.And told me when he'd done it.

If a guy is worried about losing you and values your relationship more than the other woman., he'll do what it takes to keep you.

Your husband i'm sorry to say values her more than your relationship

Original poster
Onmycandlewick · 01/08/2025 17:19

Hes often on his computer in the evening and when I walk Ito his office he quickly closes it down. There’s always a ‘reason’ but I think he’s hiding the chats

OP posts:
Original poster
Onmycandlewick · 01/08/2025 17:23

“If a guy is worried about losing you and values your relationship more than the other woman., he'll do what it takes to keep you”

totally this..OneNeatBlueOrca

OP posts:
Undatisfied123 · 01/08/2025 17:26

My ex husband did this. They were 'just friends' for a long time and I was repeatedly told I was crazy!! They have now been together 9 years yet he denied it for the 1st 6 which was just mental. She is 15 years younger than him. I would advise you hold him accountable now. I never wanted to push my ex too much about it as wanted to keep the peace! I should have kicked him out straight away and made him be accountable for his 2 children which he never was!

gloriawasright · 01/08/2025 17:27

I’m really sorry to say but I think the affair has already started.
and if it hasn’t, it’s only a matter of time.
if it was me,I would be asking/telling him to leave the family home.
he isn’t in the slightest showing any remorse for his actions . It’s over OP. He has emotionally already left.

PInkyStarfish · 01/08/2025 17:31

Unless you’re a doormat who enjoys him wiping his feet on you then I would end it now.

YetanotherNC25 · 01/08/2025 17:38

I think you know the answer already but if it helps this is extra validation that’s he’s having at least an emotional affair, maybe more. He should be the one to leave, not you. And he needs to go as soon as you’ve sorted your finances and legal position.
I expect you’ll find them in a relationship very shortly afterwards, which will be upsetting, but at least you’ll be free of the deceit. You can’t live like this, nor should you.

Original poster
Onmycandlewick · 01/08/2025 17:43

Anyone else been through this? Don’t want to separate but know I can’t live with him under the same roof much longer if he insists on putting her first.

OP posts:
Menopants · 01/08/2025 17:44

I would and did divorce

Original poster
Onmycandlewick · 01/08/2025 17:45

Menopants · 01/08/2025 17:44

I would and did divorce

I’m sorry.

OP posts:
polarband · 01/08/2025 17:49

I do think men and women can be friends but there should be no need for secrecy or constant messaging. So this does sound a bit off.

YourSnugHazelTraybake · 01/08/2025 17:52

The day my partner tried to control who I could be friends with would be the day my relationship ended. Any woman saying her husband/ partner was telling her who she could talk to would be told to leave. It's controlling. Men are allowed to be friends with women, women are allowed to be friends with men. The phrase 'emotional affair' is thrown around a lot on here because too many people believe that men and women can't be friends without their being more. Now if you don't trust him to be faithful, that's a different ball game, but ending a marriage over a simple friendship is stupid.

Eastofnowhere · 01/08/2025 17:53

I had similar. I told him he was sleepwalking into an affair and was told I was mad. That 'he would never cheat'. He ended up taking her to an event in another city and lied about it continuously until I had proof that he'd lied. It was the lying and lack of trust that killed the marriage and I ended up leaving soon afterwards.

Amusingly, he then propositioned her and she rebuffed his advances and said she'd never seen him as anything more than a colleague. I think he'd genuinely made up the whole thing in his headabd ended up losing his marriage and his 'friend'. Idiot.

Bluetoothpaste · 01/08/2025 17:58

YourSnugHazelTraybake · 01/08/2025 17:52

The day my partner tried to control who I could be friends with would be the day my relationship ended. Any woman saying her husband/ partner was telling her who she could talk to would be told to leave. It's controlling. Men are allowed to be friends with women, women are allowed to be friends with men. The phrase 'emotional affair' is thrown around a lot on here because too many people believe that men and women can't be friends without their being more. Now if you don't trust him to be faithful, that's a different ball game, but ending a marriage over a simple friendship is stupid.

Yes of course men and women can be friends.

I have male friends, my DH has female friends.

Neither of us spend all evening messaging the other and there’s nothing secret or private about the chats. Neither of us have any reason to lie about anything or hide anything.

Friends is fine. That’s not what the OP is talking about.