Would you leave your dh if he was consistently messaging another woman?

[Onmycandlewick]

Married 17 years, 3dc. DH very chummy with female co-worker, loads in common. They message often and I’ve recently said this worries me and I think it’s too much. I think he deletes them, I also think he lies about it. They are getting very close. Its upsetting that they seem to need to be touch so much out of work.
now at the point where he said he won’t stop and it’s none of my business. If it upsets me then I should leave.
I don’t want to but I’m starting to think I should.

I agree. Keep this strictly between you and him. Do not factor her in at all. Keep the boundaries tight because he is clearly unable to. The question is not what is she going to do about it; what is he going to do to put the guardrails back up. And if he won’t, you make the decisions.

feeling so shakey right now but all is good. This afternoon I’ve gave him an ultimatum. Me or her. He won’t choose either way so that is it. I am done. I called his bluff, I told him to stay with her if that’s what he wants so much. Looking at our bank account online see he’s in a hotel tonight and omg I feel so much better should’ve done this before

When he left your house, he made his decision, he chose the ow.
I'm so sorry OP, I really hope you stay strong and choose yourself. He doesn't deserve you x

It’s not her you need to confront it’s your husband!!

Read the OPs update

Well done OP. You deserve so much better.

Yes I would, but I would make him leave and I’d be staying put with 3 DCs. Id be telling him no, I don’t like it and if he wants to carry on, he will be the one leaving
EDITED: sorry just read updates, well done for taking control and sticking up for yourself

Well done, that must have been so difficult but he's made it clear how he feels so at least you have some clarity.
It will take a while to sink in properly so might feel a bit surreal for a while.
Other posters probably have some good advice about getting your ducks in a row, getting together paperwork and all that.
Do you have a clear idea of what you want to happen next?

Her husband is prepared to end his marriage over a “simple friendship.”

If your spouse is doing something you feel uncomfortable with and asks you not to do it, you don’t give them an ultimatum, you discuss it with and come to a solution. If your are willing to end a relationship over someone, then presumably that person is more important to you than your partner. You see it as her controlling his friendships, actually it is about what she is worth to him.

This “if a woman” bullshit needs to stop. It serves no purpose and in most cases is false equivalence. In this case it is absolutely incorrect.

My best friend for more than 30 years is a man and over that time we have stayed in regular contact. Since the rise of mobile phones and SM we are in contact most days although we haven’t seen each other for 15 years.

We are both married and our partners are well aware that we message a lot, and are fine with it. When there are family things happening, holidays etc often we will go a week without messaging because it’s how it goes. He would always put his wife first!

His wife and I follow each other on SM and sometimes she messages me about something random eg she saw something in a shop and thought I might be interested.

The key thing is, there is nothing secret, either spouse could read any of our messages, both spouses don’t mind and it doesn’t impact on anyone else.

In your situation you DO mind and your DH is being defensive. If he won’t take your feelings into account and prioritise you then you are right to be worried.

Just saw your update. Well done, you’ve done a very brave thing.

Listen to your instinct.

Unless they're particularly opportunistic or thrive on risk or attention, men who love, respect and value their female partner don't do what your husband is doing now. They just don't. You wouldn’t even be in this position. They would be quite clipped in their response and wouldn't be communicating in a way that encourages further dialogue.

They wouldn't subject their wife to that level of insecurity by having other women hover around them.....and for what? Is it really worth upsetting the number 1 person in their life (supposedly) for that?? It's a horrible thing to live with that kind of insecurity and gaslighting in a marriage.

If he's lonely, he has the option of developing friendships with men. How coincidental that these communications are with a younger woman, eh?

Just seen your update. I'm sorry that you were right OP.

Sorry you’re gut was right :( well
done for acting decisively and kicking this piece of shit out. This could have gone on for months and he would have gaslit the hell out of you.

How are you feeling today?

Walkbg up this morning and remembering was strange. Feeling scared and alone but hope that will pass. So hurt he chose her but know I want to be with a man who loves me enough to keep me feeling loved and secure

Op remove your share of money from any joint accounts so he can't clear them & leave you with nothing.

You may think he'd never do that, but you didn't think he'd choose a "friend" over you & the kids.

Yep. Messaging in secret, always deleting everything, found out they had gone up to a popular “dogging” area near us after work in the middle of the night (shift workers who sometimes finished at 10), but I was told I was crazy, there’s nothing to worry about, despite knowing that she had told him and other colleagues she had feelings for him. I asked him over and over to stop messaging her and he assured me he was; he hadn’t, he just thought he got better at hiding it. Within two weeks of us breaking up they were living together.

From your posts I would definitely assume there was something more going on.

I would not leave him but he’d be leaving pronto.

Tell him to pack his bags. He can stay in a hotel or on a sofa and think it through.

@Onmycandlewick I know, it’s very rough and raw right now. Are you getting any support from family or has he tried to crawl back?

It hurts like hell finding out.
Did he come back begging for another chance and swearing he’s finished his “friendship” ?

But it's not a simple friendship, which I suspect you know.

I realize this thread is over 3 months old, but @Onmycandlewick , if you're still on Mumsnet, I hope you're okay and that your situation is better, whatever that may be. ❤

He’s not lovely though, is he? Not at all.

He’s cruel to you.

And he’s prepared to blow up his family for this woman. Telling you to leave. He’s hardly prioritising the stability of his dcs, is he? They too will have a very different view of him once they realise why their worlds have irrevocably changed.

All power to you, op. Take charge. You cannot be treated in this appalling way.