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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you leave your dh if he was consistently messaging another woman?

74 replies

Onmycandlewick · 01/08/2025 16:36

Married 17 years, 3dc. DH very chummy with female co-worker, loads in common. They message often and I’ve recently said this worries me and I think it’s too much. I think he deletes them, I also think he lies about it. They are getting very close. Its upsetting that they seem to need to be touch so much out of work.
now at the point where he said he won’t stop and it’s none of my business. If it upsets me then I should leave.
I don’t want to but I’m starting to think I should.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 01/08/2025 18:01

Onmycandlewick · 01/08/2025 17:08

He’s such a lovely bloke in every other way. And dad. It makes me so sad she obvs means so much more to him.

Sorry OP but if I had a £ for every thread on here that said ‘he’s a lovely man, fantastic dad but….’

It’s the but that’s the problem

MrsGuyOfGisbo · 01/08/2025 18:03

Undatisfied123 · 01/08/2025 17:26

My ex husband did this. They were 'just friends' for a long time and I was repeatedly told I was crazy!! They have now been together 9 years yet he denied it for the 1st 6 which was just mental. She is 15 years younger than him. I would advise you hold him accountable now. I never wanted to push my ex too much about it as wanted to keep the peace! I should have kicked him out straight away and made him be accountable for his 2 children which he never was!

So similar to mine -refused to give up the ‘friendship’ denied it until I moved out 5years later (our kids at Uni by then) then they were an item.
She was/is 27 years younger than him.
I should have insisted at the outset.

Original poster
Onmycandlewick · 01/08/2025 18:03

Bluetoothpaste · 01/08/2025 17:58

Yes of course men and women can be friends.

I have male friends, my DH has female friends.

Neither of us spend all evening messaging the other and there’s nothing secret or private about the chats. Neither of us have any reason to lie about anything or hide anything.

Friends is fine. That’s not what the OP is talking about.

Show quote history

Yea totally agree. I have 2 male friends but we don’t feel the need to be in touch like they do. I don’t hide messages or calls and close my computer screen down when my dh walks past. I have more respect for their girlfriends and wouldn’t think they would want to be talking to me so much when they have their girlfriend/partner with them anyhow

OP posts:
Menopants · 01/08/2025 18:07

Onmycandlewick · 01/08/2025 17:45

I’m sorry.

Show quote history

Don’t be sorry I’m much happier now, it was hard but worth it

Beenwhereyouareagain · 01/08/2025 18:20

YourSnugHazelTraybake · 01/08/2025 17:52

The day my partner tried to control who I could be friends with would be the day my relationship ended. Any woman saying her husband/ partner was telling her who she could talk to would be told to leave. It's controlling. Men are allowed to be friends with women, women are allowed to be friends with men. The phrase 'emotional affair' is thrown around a lot on here because too many people believe that men and women can't be friends without their being more. Now if you don't trust him to be faithful, that's a different ball game, but ending a marriage over a simple friendship is stupid.

Nothing @Onmycandlewick has said indicates it's a simple friendship.

AnonAnonmystery · 01/08/2025 19:13

YourSnugHazelTraybake · 01/08/2025 17:52

The day my partner tried to control who I could be friends with would be the day my relationship ended. Any woman saying her husband/ partner was telling her who she could talk to would be told to leave. It's controlling. Men are allowed to be friends with women, women are allowed to be friends with men. The phrase 'emotional affair' is thrown around a lot on here because too many people believe that men and women can't be friends without their being more. Now if you don't trust him to be faithful, that's a different ball game, but ending a marriage over a simple friendship is stupid.

Oh come on!!

uncomfortablydumb60 · 01/08/2025 19:16

Yes I would, and divorced him.
Not colleagues but dating apps
you and your DC will be happier living without him
You deserve someone who respects you, at the very least

YodasHairyButt · 01/08/2025 19:17

He’s told you exactly how much your marriage means to him. Do what he suggests and tell him you want a divorce.

Original poster
Onmycandlewick · 01/08/2025 19:28

YodasHairyButt · 01/08/2025 19:17

He’s told you exactly how much your marriage means to him. Do what he suggests and tell him you want a divorce.

Will look for a solicitor on Monday. Fed up of this shit.

OP posts:
Rayqueen · 01/08/2025 19:57

I don't have a problem my hubby having friends and good female ones from years of working for same company all different ages, but neither will he shut down his phone or laptop if I go sit near or not offer his phone if mine is on charge knowing messages will pop up. Also if he knows we are having anus day or break away he will not even bother with his messages same as me. So unless you fully had proof other than just assuming I wouldn't agree that it not ok to have very very good male or female friends work or not work

Rhaidimiddim · 01/08/2025 20:04

Unsmart · 01/08/2025 16:50

Well his reaction tells you everything OP.

His relationship with this woman is more important to him than you.

Of course it's your business. You are his wife. He took.vows to you and it's presumably a monogamous relationship so his boundaries with other women is very much to do with you.

If he has said you should leave if you arent happy with his relationship with the woman it really sounds as though marriage is over for him aleady.

I think.you should get legal advice to see where you stand

So sorry you are going through this OP.

I agree with this take on your situation.
I am so sorry.

Mumlaplomb · 01/08/2025 20:30

I had a male colleague who was a mate, we messaged now and again and he came for a drink with me and my husband sometimes at lunch time. We didn’t and never woukd get into constant or daily messaging because we were both married and we didn’t fancy eachother or want to be disrespectful.

Rhaidimiddim · 01/08/2025 20:36

TwistedWonder · 01/08/2025 17:08

I concur with everyone else, he’s told you loud and clear she’s his priority not you.

Get your ducks in a row, seek legal advice and let him go running to her

All the while telling the world how it was you who ended it.

Look up The Script.

Rhaidimiddim · 01/08/2025 20:44

Onmycandlewick · 01/08/2025 17:08

He’s such a lovely bloke in every other way. And dad. It makes me so sad she obvs means so much more to him.

NOT a lovely bloke, or dad, at all. On a day-to-day basis, he may play the role.

But he is also showing you that he gives no fucks about your marriage and family integrity, and is prepared to put his wife and kids through the divorce wringer for the sake of his " friendship" with this woman.

All the while putting it on you to sort the situation, so that he can blame you ( to himself and the world) for breaking up the family.

I've been there. It takes time to see what selfish fucks these cheaters are.

Ifeelbroken · 01/08/2025 20:44

Onmycandlewick · 01/08/2025 17:43

Anyone else been through this? Don’t want to separate but know I can’t live with him under the same roof much longer if he insists on putting her first.

Yep. Had an EA when I was pregnant. Still not over it, was 2 years ago

RatherTardy · 01/08/2025 20:50

Rayqueen · 01/08/2025 19:57

I don't have a problem my hubby having friends and good female ones from years of working for same company all different ages, but neither will he shut down his phone or laptop if I go sit near or not offer his phone if mine is on charge knowing messages will pop up. Also if he knows we are having anus day or break away he will not even bother with his messages same as me. So unless you fully had proof other than just assuming I wouldn't agree that it not ok to have very very good male or female friends work or not work

Im so, so sorry.
And no disrespect, @Onmycandlewick. Im so sorry for what you're going through.

But oh my gosh, @Rayqueen, that is a GLORIOUS auto correct!

Okiedokie123 · 01/08/2025 20:52

I dont think you should leave. Its him that should be leaving!

Rhaidimiddim · 01/08/2025 20:58

Onmycandlewick · 01/08/2025 17:45

I’m sorry.

Show quote history

I did, too, and I'm not sorry.

Rhaidimiddim · 01/08/2025 21:03

YourSnugHazelTraybake · 01/08/2025 17:52

The day my partner tried to control who I could be friends with would be the day my relationship ended. Any woman saying her husband/ partner was telling her who she could talk to would be told to leave. It's controlling. Men are allowed to be friends with women, women are allowed to be friends with men. The phrase 'emotional affair' is thrown around a lot on here because too many people believe that men and women can't be friends without their being more. Now if you don't trust him to be faithful, that's a different ball game, but ending a marriage over a simple friendship is stupid.

It is not a "simple friendship" if he is inviting his wife to leave, when she reacts to its intensity.

Rhaidimiddim · 01/08/2025 21:06

Onmycandlewick · 01/08/2025 18:03

Yea totally agree. I have 2 male friends but we don’t feel the need to be in touch like they do. I don’t hide messages or calls and close my computer screen down when my dh walks past. I have more respect for their girlfriends and wouldn’t think they would want to be talking to me so much when they have their girlfriend/partner with them anyhow

Show quote history

Your instincts are sound.

Rhaidimiddim · 01/08/2025 21:08

Onmycandlewick · 01/08/2025 19:28

Will look for a solicitor on Monday. Fed up of this shit.

Show quote history

Go, girl!
( And I am so sorry.)

Original poster
Onmycandlewick · 01/08/2025 23:01

I’m going to speak to her. Ask her what is going on. No drama just dignity. Her reaction will tell me everything I need to know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onmycandlewick · 01/08/2025 23:01

Ifeelbroken · 01/08/2025 20:44

Yep. Had an EA when I was pregnant. Still not over it, was 2 years ago

Show quote history

So sorry x

OP posts:
Oneborneveryminute25 · 02/08/2025 00:32

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 01/08/2025 16:53

Once a man tells you something like this is none of your business, it’s over.
The OW is his priority.
He isn’t even your friend.
I would not stay.

This!

FighterPilotSwifts · 02/08/2025 00:40

Onmycandlewick · 01/08/2025 23:01

I’m going to speak to her. Ask her what is going on. No drama just dignity. Her reaction will tell me everything I need to know.

I'm not sure that's a good idea. What if she sees your husband as a friend and he's more into her? Or many other possibilities, you don't know what he's told her. It won't change the fact that he is prioritising her above you. It's your husband you have a problem with, not her.
You will look insecure, she will probably tell him, he'll get annoyed because he's embarrassed, you'll be accused of being crazy and controlling or something similar.
I might be wrong but it's risky.
You have to decide where your boundaries are, decide what you'll do if your dh breaks them and communicate that to him. Then have the courage to follow through with actions.
Otherwise you'll be miserable, staying with someone who sees you as second won't be a happy life.