Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partners debt…what to do

63 replies

DeeDee20 · 01/08/2025 07:29

Hello.
i have a mortgage with my partner and toddler son. Working part time, not married.
i knew my partner was in debt as over the past 5 years he’s managed to buy 2 big cars when he earns a standard wage. I estimate 50k in debt.
over the last few months Im having to step up more with money and can see he’s struggling. It came to a head last night when he admitted it. He wants to use the equity on the house to pay it off. There’s approx £110k equity.
we have a joint mortgage and he put 100% of the deposit down which was half the house. He says he wants to use that money to pay his debt.
Can the debt just be paid off through the house? I’m clueless sorry

OP posts:
Girlmom35 · 01/08/2025 08:07

firstly: whatever you do, make sure that you don't agree to anything or sign anything without getting your own legal advice, independent from him.

Secondly: how does this make you feel towards your whole relationship? From your story your relationship is seriously lacking in several areas

  • There is no financial transparency
  • No joint decisions making
  • No open conversations about your financial situation
  • No shared financial values
  • A roommate mentality of having separate incomes/accounts, despite having a home and a child together

Is this really the life you pictured for yourself when you were younger?

Silvertulips · 01/08/2025 08:11

You need to safeguard your own home. Make it joint tenants - the extra mortgage payments are his.

So if you own 200K and it’s 50/50 and he takes £50K so your mortgage is now £250K, he has to take on 20% more of the payments - and sell his car first -

SkintSingleMumm · 01/08/2025 08:11

Hes a bloody liability. Id be either buying him out the house/selling and going my own way.

TwistedWonder · 01/08/2025 08:38

As a one off it doesn’t sound the worst idea however it won’t be a one off. He won’t pay off his debts, he’ll spunk the money up the wall on other unnecessary spending and probably end up even further in debt.

KentishMama · 01/08/2025 08:54

So many red flags in this post!

How do you own the house? 50:50? Joint tenants, or tenants in common? Was his deposit protected in some way as part of the conveyancing process?

The main thing you need to watch out for: By shifting debt from his sole name into the mortgage, he's making it your debt if you are jointly responsible for that mortgage. So up until now, he's been the one with the debt. If he touches the equity/changes the mortgage, that makes you liable for money that he's frittered away for... cars?

Totally ridiculous, in my opinion. This is his problem.

Your (separate) problem is that you have two children. One toddler, and one irresponsible man child who can't manage his own money. I would find that hugely unattractive and get rid of him.

Bjorkdidit · 01/08/2025 08:57

Moving the debt doesn't pay it off, it just secures it on your home.

Then when he continues to spend all his money on his big toys, in a few years time he'll have loads of debt again as well as the bigger mortgage that you're equally liable for and you could lose your home if you can't pay.

Don't devalue your own contribution to the relationship, you're giving up income and pension to look after your joint child for free while he pisses money up the wall. I bet the cars are only part of the story.

ohtowinthelottery · 01/08/2025 08:59

Tell him to sell the cars - assuming he's still got them and hasn't just lost £50k for nothing.
Do not allow his presumably unsecured debt in his sole name to become a joint liability secured by the roof over yours and your joint child's head.

CoastalCalm · 01/08/2025 09:07

Sell the house split the equity after fees and walk away - he’s a joke !

JustAQuietSpotPlease · 01/08/2025 09:09

I think this is worth repeating

Moving the debt doesn't pay it off, it just secures it on your home.

What is he doing to address his overspending? What is he sacrificing personally to pay toward his debt? He is trying to make his debt, joint debt. You are not married so this would be a huge undertaking for you. I would be thinking long and hard about this entire relationship and definitely seeking professional financial/legal advice before you release equity from the house.

Although the mortgage rate might be low, you are committing to paying the debt over a long period of time. He should be selling off everything he can to fund his debt including the cars.

RachelsPeeves · 01/08/2025 09:15

Never move unsecured debt to secured debt, you'll be paying it for longer and end up paying more.

He needs to sell the cars to repay some of it and work out a repayment plan for the rest.

I'd sell and split the equity 50/50 (and the relationship).

Stoufer · 01/08/2025 09:17

I’m so sorry, but debts like this would be a deal-breaker for me. I couldn’t continue in a relationship where this would be likely to happen again and again. I couldn’t live with such a lack of stability and security - he seems like such a liability. To have a completely different approach to money / spending / risk / responsibilities - would be completely unworkable for a long-term relationship.

It all sounds so unnecessary. He should sell the cars, to pay off all / most of the debt. The fact that he is trying to make it a joint debt / liability by moving it / securing it against the house is a big red flag.

Original poster
DeeDee20 · 01/08/2025 09:18

Thank you. i realise this is awful for our relationship and something we might not be able to recover from. He has one car, excessive and unnecessary.
we are joint tenants and he did not protect his deposit. His argument is he wants to use “his” money to pay the debt.
I’ve no idea how any of this works. In terms of taking legal advice, do I call the bank? Solicitor?

OP posts:
Lighteningstrikes · 01/08/2025 09:18

Your partner is an imbecile. Who in their right mind would do what he’s done.

So you need to make absolutely sure you’re secure otherwise he will pull you under with him.

Daisyvodka · 01/08/2025 09:21

So what happened to the other car? Is he planning on selling the one he has?

tripleginandtonic · 01/08/2025 09:22

If he put the deposit down I think it's fair enough he gets some back to sort his debts. However, he doesn't sound compatible finance wise OP, the fact he didn't protect his deposit suggests he's easy cone easy go with his money

ThejoyofNC · 01/08/2025 09:26

Do NOT use a penny of your money to pay off his debts. He will just restart the cycle and soon enough you'll be homeless.

Take your half of the equity and run. He's a liar and you've buried your head in the sand for far too long.

Juniperberry55 · 01/08/2025 11:36

You had a child with this man believing he was debt free and working together to pay off the house. He hid his debt from you and is now expecting you to be in worse financial position because he wanted something he couldn't afford.
I would suggest he sells the car he can't afford and buy a cheap run around until he has paid off his debt and can afford to buy a better car from savings.
If you allow him to take the money out of the house, you'll be basically paying off his fancy car. He won't learn from his mistakes and he will soon run up other debts and expect to be bailed out again
Sit down with him, discuss selling the car and working out what debt he would be left with if he purchased a cheap car in its place and do a joint budget to work out how his debt can be cleared.
If he refuses, you'll likely be in for a financially insecure future with him. He's lied about debt once, he will do it again.
If he refuses, then I think you need to work out how to leave and take your half of the equity and support you and your child

familylawyer01392 · 01/08/2025 11:40

DeeDee20 · 01/08/2025 09:18

Thank you. i realise this is awful for our relationship and something we might not be able to recover from. He has one car, excessive and unnecessary.
we are joint tenants and he did not protect his deposit. His argument is he wants to use “his” money to pay the debt.
I’ve no idea how any of this works. In terms of taking legal advice, do I call the bank? Solicitor?

Please see a solicitor as soon as poss!

From a brief glance at what you are saying, IF you are willing to agree to this and you can both afford to remortgage to allow him to take out 50k from the house, at the very least you need to hold the house as tenants in common with a declaration of trust in place which states how you hold the home and what you will each have if it sells - for example, maybe it would be for you to have 50k and then the remainder divided equally.

familylawyer01392 · 01/08/2025 11:40

On a personal note however, and I say this with kindness as it is obviously not your fault, but I would not want to be in a relationship with this financially irresponsible person.

ZoggyStirdust · 01/08/2025 11:43

tripleginandtonic · 01/08/2025 09:22

If he put the deposit down I think it's fair enough he gets some back to sort his debts. However, he doesn't sound compatible finance wise OP, the fact he didn't protect his deposit suggests he's easy cone easy go with his money

Edited

Yeah he effectively gifted you half his deposit (presuming you have an equal share now) so him wanting some back morally feels ok

ZoggyStirdust · 01/08/2025 11:44

familylawyer01392 · 01/08/2025 11:40

Please see a solicitor as soon as poss!

From a brief glance at what you are saying, IF you are willing to agree to this and you can both afford to remortgage to allow him to take out 50k from the house, at the very least you need to hold the house as tenants in common with a declaration of trust in place which states how you hold the home and what you will each have if it sells - for example, maybe it would be for you to have 50k and then the remainder divided equally.

Show quote history

But he put the deposit down which was half the cost. I agree with what you’re saying but it would leave op with a lesser share. Not a greater one

caramac04 · 01/08/2025 11:45

You need proper financial and legal advice.
I would be seriously considering if I remain in this relationship and looking to see if I could buy him out and send him on his way tbh.

flipent · 01/08/2025 11:45

Moving unsecured debt to secured debt is never a good idea.

Nearly50omg · 01/08/2025 11:46

As you both own the house and have been paying the mortgage off and you have been doing all the childcare etc then you are entitled to 50% of the house if it’s sold. This “man” is wanting to take the security of the roof over your child’s head away! Leaving you in debt as he WILL just spend the money on whatever instead of paying his debt off you can guarantee that!

Juniperberry55 · 01/08/2025 11:50

ZoggyStirdust · 01/08/2025 11:43

Yeah he effectively gifted you half his deposit (presuming you have an equal share now) so him wanting some back morally feels ok

Show quote history

Except if the toddler is his, he is taking financial security from his partner and child. If he ring fenced his deposit before they had children, then it would be his choice and op could have made potentially different decisions, but if he gifted op half the deposit and op is paying towards the mortgage. He doesn't get to take the equity back and leave them in a worse financial decision just because he put the deposit down. It isn't for a necessity, it is so the partner can own two cars he can't actually afford. When does this stop? He could repeat this process over and over again
He needs to change his behaviour now and ensure his wants don't start effecting his partner and child's needs