Can a relationship work if two people are so different?

[Mintyandrefreshing]

I’ve been seeing a new man for the past 3 months, and as time has passed, it’s become clear that we have quite different personalities.

We get along really well, share the same sense of humor, laugh a lot, and can talk for hours. However, our interests and views on life and various subjects differ significantly. He mentioned that he appreciates our differences, as it allows us to explore new experiences together. To be honest, I’m not as adventurous as he is when it comes to trying new things and stepping out of my comfort zone can be a challenge for me. I tend to be more introverted, while he is definitely more outgoing.

Here are a few examples -

He enjoys beach holidays with clubs, water parks, and jet skis, while I prefer city breaks or staying in the countryside.

He likes to go out for drinks at least twice a month, whereas I don’t drink often, usually just on special occasions.

He’s eager to get married, but I’m not bothered about it (though I would for the right person)

I want to have kids, but he’s uncertain (he did mention that if he were in a stable relationship, he would consider it, so it’s not completely off the cards)

We also hold different political beliefs.

The latest discussion was about our sex life. He takes the lead in the bedroom, and I’m more submissive, which works well for us. The sex has been great. However, he’s much kinkier than I am and asked how I would feel about being spat on and slapped during sex. I told him that it’s not something I’m into. He respected my answer and didn’t push further, but I sensed he might have been a bit disappointed (I’m open to exploring some things, but I know I won’t change my mind on that)

I understand that some of these points may seem minor, but it gives you an idea. My feelings for this man are growing significantly, yet I’m also aware of the challenges a long term relationship might face given our differences. He doesn’t seem to mind, but I’m not sure I can compromise on so many things. They say that opposites attract, but is that really the case?

I’d say you’re completely incompatible and your lifestyles don’t match.

It might be fun short term you’re too different to be long term imo - one of you will always be compromising

If this real, then you need to get out now.
The stuff like holidays can be negotiated.
But knowing you as you are, and you sound pretty reserved and gentle, and bringing up slapping you and spitting on you turned my stomach.
You have too many differences already. The political ones can get in the way. Again, can be discussed.
But you don’t sound compatible in any way, and to be quite frank, he sounds like he’s an Andrew Tate-type.
If you stay you are just going to get hurt.

I think the holidays, hobbies type thing doesn’t really matter. Over time you’ll learn to compromise and might be fun to try new things with him.

What jumps out to me is the relationship needs- he wants to be settled soon but you’re not bothered. The children area is a big one too. You don’t want to be tied down to someone who then decides they don’t want children.

The sex thing needs to be something you’re both comfortable with. Trying new things is fun but if you don’t like it then he needs to be respectful that it was a one time thing. Some of the things he enjoys you’ve already said no to which shows where you’re comfortable. If he is upset about that, even if he doesn’t say it then no I wouldn’t say you’re compatible.

Spitting? That’s a recipe for Hepatitis C transmission.

Are you worried it won't work on paper? Or are these differences actually an issue for you? If they're not an issue for you, don't worry about whether it 'should' work and just enjoy it!

The political beliefs might bother me. I could never date a Nigel Farage or Trump supporter, for example. The kinky stuff is a bit of an ick but providing he respects your boundaries, hopefully you can move past it.

However, if your gut is telling you you're just not right together, I believe you should trust that.

That sounds terrible to me. I think if he is asking to do weird sex stuff like that now then he is going to ask much much weirder things once you are married. I would get right away from that.

I always think it doesn’t matter how ‘different’ you are as long as your fundamental values and life goals align. I‘m not sure that is the case here. And any man who gets off on spitting and slapping sounds like a wrong ‘un imo.

I think it depends very much on how much you are both willing to compromise.

The holiday stuff - are you willing to either find a middle ground or take turns? The drinking - is he still thinking this would be the norm if you got married/had kids? How would you feel about that?

Politics is trickier as I think it’s part of who you fundamentally are as a person and what you believe.

The sex stuff, it’s a flat no from you. If he respects that and never asks again, that’s fine. If he starts to pressure or try and cajole you, that’s a red flag.

Yeah, it's not going to work with a jet ski-ing Reform voter who wants to spit on you during sex.

I'm worried about letting him down or that he might feel he can't be himself or do the things he enjoys. He’s much more open than I am and is willing to compromise. I'm not sure if I can do that. He is genuinely quite easygoing and has mentioned that our differences don’t bother him, but I wonder if that perspective will change over time.

You need to stop being so passive. Honestly, any man with an inch of decency if they met a woman they respected but could tell she wasn’t ‘freaky’ they would not ask about slapping and spitting. It’s absolutely vile.
Stop worrying about offending him.
I think you’d be mad to stay with him it’s only been three months.

You're completely incompatible. Not just in one area but in many areas. And a lot of those areas are major flashpoints in relationships and/or impossible to compromise on.

Going out for drinks is the easiest compromise to overcome (particularly as twice a month isn't exactly party animal territory). I know plenty of couples where one half is the partier and the other half less so.

Holidays - are you willing to holiday separately, or to go on holiday together but spend a lot of it doing separate things, or to learn to love the kind of things the other person wants to do? Those are your options.

Kids - impossible to compromise, obviously. Believe him when he expresses a lack of enthusiasm. Don't fall into the trap of hoping that he'll change his mind. He might do, but you cannot let yourself hang around waiting indefinitely.

Politics - I personally would call this a red line but I'm a very political person, I think they represent our core values about life. I'm not saying a partner has to have identical politics to me (and DP doesn't) but right-wing (or even centrist tbh) views would be a deal-breaker from me.

Sex - probably the most important area to be compatible in. It's OK for him to have his kink and it's OK for you not to want to share it. How did he react when you said no? If he respected that and backed off immediately, that's better than sulking and pestering. Is he happy to have a sex life that involves no slapping and spitting? This one is actually more for him to decide than you.

I would say you might be able to overcome one or two of those things but that's an absolute laundry list of incompatibility.

We get along really well, share the same sense of humor, laugh a lot, and can talk for hours.

There are many, many people I get along with, share a sense of humour with, laugh with and can talk with for hours, while being completely incompatible in a romantic sense. They're called my friends. He sounds like a great potential friend, if you can both recognise that you're really not suited to be a couple.

You've dated for a matter of hours at this very early stage and know you want diametrically opposite things from life in every way.

He wants to assault and degrade women sexually, be childfree, married.

You want to be legally single and have a kid. Just don't go on any further dates with him.

You're incompatible in deep ways.

With him bringing up slapping and spitting to you so quickly into your relationship, I think there's more that you really won't be into down the road. You're sexually incompatible.

Politics can be overlooked at first and become huge. Politically incompatible.

He likes to go out drinking where you only drink on special occasions. This can become a big issue if he starts pushing you to drink.

Holidays, marriage, kids, he's an extrovert, you're more introverted, you guys have so little in common on big things that I think you'll soon grate on each other.

The drink and sexuality, it seems like he could really push your boundaries at some point with both. Possible red flags here.

If he's a dom, he is NOT easygoing.

Nothing wrong with having different interests. Dh definitely prefers camping and outdoorsy holidays and I like city breaks. He’s really into woodworking and building stuff and motorbikes and cycling. I have no interest in that stuff and I like horses and cold water swimming and gardening. We do our hobbies and a good bit of travel separately, and our dc get the best of both worlds.

But your fundamental values and life goals need to be the same. I think you have to have similar political beliefs and sex drives. You have to be on the same page when it comes to marriage and children. You have to want the same things in life. Otherwise, you’re just trying to squeeze a square peg into a round hole and what’s the point? There are more fish in the sea.

I think 3 months is probably too early to tell but would you would need to figure out larger issues like the marriage / kids questions

Most of the other stuff I would necessarily say is an issue.

However in my experience wanting slapping and spitting during sex would be a concern and might be an indicator of other dominance / violence

I have different examples to yours but I always thought my partner and I were completely opposite as well when we first met. Like you, we used to laugh a lot, talk a lot, share the same sense of humour etc and had a lot of the little things in common, but we’re so different in so many ways. He’s extremely outgoing, sociable and I’m quite introverted. He had a million hobbies and was always out and about doing different things while I was more of a homebody. I also wanted a big family and he wasn’t even sure if he wanted children at all. These are just a few examples! It sounds cheesy but we knew fundamentally that we loved each other and wanted to be together, we’d both been single for years before me met and something just clicked like we knew we belonged together and worked through lots of things over the years because we didn’t want to throw away something that we knew was special. We’ve now got a house, two children and a dog! I’m not suggesting there’s a magic fix but sometimes differences can be worked through, it really depends on how much you’re both willing to compromise and work together

The thing you really can't compromise on is children. So I would definitely keep an eye on that - if he's still unsure (even theoretically) in a year then it may be time to move on.

The sex thing would bother me too tbh.

If a bloke asked me if I'd be open to being spat on and slapped during sex, my fanny would clamp shut instantly 🤮 that would be enough for me to dump him, let alone the drinking, clubbing, jet skiing etc. He sounds awful.

Urgh the spitting and the slapping which I suspect is the tip of the ice berg. I would get rid OP.

This.
Even if he never mentions these things again and doesn't attempt them, you know that that's what he wants to do to you. He's turned on by the thought of degrading you sexually.
And these things always escalate in my experience.

Three months in is very much the honeymoon period, where you see everything with rose tinted glasses. That will wear off and quite quickly by the sounds of it, as wholly incompatible. I'd end it now, before the real feelings and animosity kick in.

That means kissing is too then? There’s no hope!

3 months in and he wants to spit on you? That would be enough for me to say goodbye!

Fucking hell he sounds awful. He wants to spit on you? He wants to slap you? Tell him to get the fuck out of there. How dare he disrespect you like that.