Can a relationship work if two people are so different?

[Mintyandrefreshing]

I’ve been seeing a new man for the past 3 months, and as time has passed, it’s become clear that we have quite different personalities.

We get along really well, share the same sense of humor, laugh a lot, and can talk for hours. However, our interests and views on life and various subjects differ significantly. He mentioned that he appreciates our differences, as it allows us to explore new experiences together. To be honest, I’m not as adventurous as he is when it comes to trying new things and stepping out of my comfort zone can be a challenge for me. I tend to be more introverted, while he is definitely more outgoing.

Here are a few examples -

He enjoys beach holidays with clubs, water parks, and jet skis, while I prefer city breaks or staying in the countryside.

He likes to go out for drinks at least twice a month, whereas I don’t drink often, usually just on special occasions.

He’s eager to get married, but I’m not bothered about it (though I would for the right person)

I want to have kids, but he’s uncertain (he did mention that if he were in a stable relationship, he would consider it, so it’s not completely off the cards)

We also hold different political beliefs.

The latest discussion was about our sex life. He takes the lead in the bedroom, and I’m more submissive, which works well for us. The sex has been great. However, he’s much kinkier than I am and asked how I would feel about being spat on and slapped during sex. I told him that it’s not something I’m into. He respected my answer and didn’t push further, but I sensed he might have been a bit disappointed (I’m open to exploring some things, but I know I won’t change my mind on that)

I understand that some of these points may seem minor, but it gives you an idea. My feelings for this man are growing significantly, yet I’m also aware of the challenges a long term relationship might face given our differences. He doesn’t seem to mind, but I’m not sure I can compromise on so many things. They say that opposites attract, but is that really the case?

The slapping and spitting during sex is really troubling. DH and I have engaged in spanking on the backside but that is about playing on the pleasure/pain boundary. Slapping and spitting sounds degrading. Why does he want to degrade his sexual partner and treat her with contempt? That’s not kinky - it’s just plain nasty. This is not a safe man.

The spitting and slapping is a huge red flag to me. That’s the start of it. How long before him wanting to strangle you, suggests pegging, a threesome or whatever else he’s seen in porn?

Why bother asking? Get rid immediately.

I think values have to align more than interests.. but I do think hes shown his hand and you need to pay attention.

I think ultimately in your socail life youll both want different things, and have to ask do our values align to turn taking and shared experiences or will we end up resentful or lifting apart.

I think kids is a big deal. No unless its the right person is a long way from yes

And the sex thing. He'd get off on slapping and spitting on you.. you know some women may enjoy it but to me it sounds degrading especially if his terminology is slap not spank..

And while he says you differing views make for lively discussions I think hes a man looking for a submissive wife. Who will stay home when hes clubbing on the beach and takes the sex he likes. I suspect you come across like a good fit based on the stay at home, teetotal contrasting vibe to his. And no judgement if you want a man and relationship like that.

But if you want something different I dont think its with him

The lifestyle things wouldn't bother me as there's room in a relationship for both compromise and space from eachother and that can be healthy.

The things that would bother me and make this a no go relationship would be the political differences and the wanting to spit on me, which both indicate values that are not shared.

I could not date further right than a one-nation Tory, even though I like a debate.

I also could not date someone who showed the slightest wish to spit on me in any circumstance, or slapping anywhere except on the bottom - and I consider myself quite sexually adventurous. It's about a lack of respect and bad attitude to women in general, as well as to me in particular.

I agree with the other posters, most incompatibilities can be overcome. Kinky sex is fine- however being spat on and slapped during sex means he is degrading you to a piece of meat. If he would spit and slap you during your most vulnerable intimate moments, then he won’t stop there. Massive, massive red flag.

Agree, being different does work, but you've got to be compatible.

Opposites attract after all OP, but if you're not into spitting/being spat on that's going to cause issues.

You'd have to give in or he'd resent you not allowing it and seek it elsewhere, not great for such a new relationship.

I think all of these things are fine, as you can spend time separately, as long as you're willing to take turns with the holiday thing.

I don't think it's wrong that he asked your consent for those things in sex as long as he now drops it (as some women are into that, or pretend to men that they're into that due to porn)

The only issue is the kids- that's major. Don't let him string you along and waste your fertile years if he's not sure.

More so than snogging? (Not that I'm into being spat on!)

Anyone that wants to hit a woman ever and wants to do it because it helps them get off isn’t a man to date. Too many men have killed women with violence in bed going wrong, it’s awful.

I've thought about this and I think that him bringing up not just mildly non vanilla activities that you might be comfortable or not with, but big boundary crossing, assaultive ones like spitting and slapping is a definite red flag and this is only after 3 months. It's going to escalate from there, as a couple previous posters have said.

You worry about letting him down after 3 months? You don't like non vanilla sex. Going through with sex acts you don't enjoy in the spirit of not letting a bf of 3 months down is not a healthy attitude. You can't fake compatibility and have a good relationship.

Holiday preferences and going out twice per month are irrelevant, but you obviously need to want the same in terms of marriage and children, and need to be sexually compatible

Erm- I’d say that men who want to spit on women during sex are revolting misogynists. That’s not a kink, it’s a gigantic red flag

Some differences are healthy, especially in a mutually respectful relationship where there is genuine curiosity about each other’s views and preferences, rather than a desire to convert or change each other.

However some differences could spell deeper difficulties later, and I would be very concerned about your different positions on relationships and dc. It takes a lot of commitment to raise dc, and it’s just not something to take on unless both parents want to. In the past there were social, economic and religious forces binding marriages together, and now there’s nothing. If you want a chance of raising dc within a relationship, choose someone who wants to be a father.

I don’t think kinky and not kinky is ever a wise mix. The fact that he has asked and is fully respectful of your boundary would suggest to me that he is observing a code of consent, which tends to be followed within bdsm communities and that kink may be more of an orientation than a choice for him. I’d step away from that because there’s just too much scope for things to go wrong.

He 'respected' that you don't want to be spat on and slapped?

Respect doesn't belong anywhere in that sentence. Any man who wanted to do that would never see me again. Eww

“ChristmaslightsuptilJanuary · Today 17:09

Erm- I’d say that men who want to spit on women during sex are revolting misogynists. That’s not a kink, it’s a gigantic red flag”

Totally - a man who wants to degrade his sexual partner and treat her with contempt is just deeply nasty.

Just no. Spitting on you is just to make you a lesser being, there's no respect.

I am not sure spitting/slapping is automatically a red flag. But it's funny, I've only ever encountered men who wanted me to do it to them. (I wouldn't have said yes to them doing to me, but no one's ever asked that.) (I can't say I got much out of doing it to the guy I actually did it to, though he seemed pleased enough.)

Um... Spitting on someone and slapping them during sex isn't any kink I've heard of outside bad porn novels... I think it's one area of your life where you both need to feel comfortable and safe and that you share the same kinks whatever they may be. I don't think the relationship will end well.

Reading this, the answer is no.

Then I read this -

and asked how I would feel about being spat on and slapped during sex

Run.

I think it's quite likely he's easing you into something more extreme. The spitting and slapping were the more palatable things he wants to do, so now you've said no to the more tame things, he knows that there's no way you'll try darker things.

He may seem to you like he's more flexible and willing to compromise, but I wouldn't take this as a given. That might be what he's presenting to you for the time being, as he's not ready to escalate the matter or wants more time to think it through. If he really is 'kinky' or into these kinds of things, there's a good chance that your no has driven his desires underground, and they'll come out sooner or later either through resentment or cheating.

I don't think woman beater when I read he asked about slapping and spitting.
I think Christian Grey/BDSM kind of thing.

Does he mean slap you in the/spit in your face or your vag? I quite like a little choking.

I slapped my DP around the face once when I was on top 🤭 I hadn't pre-empted it, it was totally impulsive and surprising to us both. He thought it was hilarious thankfully. It's not a regular thing but he's quite partial to a hawk tui on the cock if it comes into my mind (no puns intended). It doesn't often I have to say.

Spat on
Red flag get rid.
What kind of a person asks that?

This sounds like me and my partner.

We’ve been together for 11 years with nearly 3 kids.

We do enjoy very different things and he’s incredibly outgoing and confident whereas I’m very much reserved. He loves the outdoors, surfing etc.

He has really helped to bring me out of my shell and try things that I wouldn’t want to. I’ve ended up doing things that I find scary (in terms of in the sea etc), but it’s actually massively helped my confidence being with someone so different.

We also do the stuff I like and he is happy to chill out at home etc too.

He is also much more adventurous in the bedroom than me and I tend to just go along with it (mainly due to confidence). I don’t think your partner asking to spit on you etc is the end of the world and he knows you don’t want to do it, so that’s fine.

I will say that I don’t think it’s the perfect scenario though. It would be an easier if we did have similar hobbies and did enjoy a similar pace of life.