Am I so out of touch?

[Outoftouchbabyboomer]

My Gen Z daughter and I were discussing her sister's potential new home this weekend. I happened to mention that I'd driven by to have a look and see what it was like and that the owner (similar age to me) was on the drive so we said hello, had a brief chat and off I went. To me this is quite normal to be friendly to others but she said that I'm too open and friendly and their generation isn't the same. She was quite hurtful in what she said and I feel like I must be an embarrassment and totally out of touch with how her generation think. Am I really awful for having done this?

I was telling my husband about this.

Some people in their 20s are basically scared to knock on doors (not uber eats or delivered drivers obvs) but I find it hilarious.

They are socially crippled weirdos.

If you drove round with your DD, but then stopped and had a chat, then she's being unreasonable. However, if you went there without her, I can see why she's annoyed. However, what she said she is annoyed about isn't what I'd be focusing on - while I'm sure it came from a place of care, it feels like you're overstepping a boundary by going on your own.

The daughter who thought it odd isn't the daughter buying the house.
It doesn't matter what generation you are, if you you want to stop and have a chat with someone - walking the dog, waiting for a bus - if people frown at you, or think it's not the right thing to do, then that's there problem, not yours

Different perspective- I'm gen x (51) but when we bought our new house my lovely, dear parents told me they'd diverted from a journey to go and see it. I was a bit upset /annoyed, just because I wanted to show it to them, I think? I'm not really sure why it felt wrong but it did. Perhaps she senses it's just a bit off and is less of a generational thing.

If my parents had introduced themselves I would have been more upset, it feels really off somehow.

And same, I'm now very chatty and also used to be embarrassed by my darling, dearly missed DM.
My DDs cringe at me saying 'thank you very much indeed' to shop assistants which is something my DM used to say. It just comes out naturally.

🤣🤣😂😂🤣🤣😂🤣🤣🤣🤣😂🤣
What happened to these people ? I do fear for them.

I’m in my 40s, live in the north, and will chat to anyone. I’ll find a friend in a food queue or on a train etc.
Like another poster has said, this isn’t a random you are chatting to. It’s the owner of your DD’s potential new house. It feels like you were undermining her, that you don’t trust her decisions or that you believe she needs your help with this. She’s an adult & you need to let her get on with it. When she asks you to visit (whether that’s pre or post purchase, then you can).

I wonder if it's more a general feeling that you were interfering in some way, than an objection to you being chatty. Your daughter perhaps feeling that she and her sister can't do things without you somehow 'sticking your oar' in and being part of it, when they are at an age where they are trying to strike out and be independent. If so, they'll get over it in time, once they feel established as 'proper adults'. Carry on being the friendly person you are, and the time will soon come when your daughters are glad you are interested and involved in their lives, when they realise the value of a support network.

This is exactly the opposite - I went because I'm interested. I'm interested in people, places - I listen to people, I ask questions as I'm interested in people.

But you've stuck your nose in someone it doesn't belong. Can you not see it's not your place to drive to the house your daughter is moving to, get out, speak to the current owner? It's nothing to do with you and makes your daughter feel juvenile.

If you're so interested you should have waited for updates or info from your daughter. This is her news.

Thank you all for your views. I will apologise to my daughter. My feeling is only of interest but obviously it's coming across differently to my daughter. I've had a career which has been people based and it seems that this conflicts with how generally people live their lives. I'll try and reign it in in future 😢

You’re fine, they are weird. Some young people think you can’t speak as it’s alien to contact in person and not a phone.

Stopping to chat to people on a walk/ in a shop/ waiting for the bus - fine. Not my thing particularly (I'm 45!) but would be friendly and pleasant if someone wanted a chat. I hate when someone seems to want to spend the whole train journey or whatever chatting, if I'm travelling alone then that's precious time for me to read or just 'be', and if I'm with friends/ family then I'm probably wanting more to catch up with them. However there's those amongst my loved ones who can think of nothing nicer than to spend an entire flight finding out exactly where Peter and Margaret are going to, how many times they've been before, how they got to the airport and where their grandchildren go to school. I'm happy to leave them to it, not embarrassed by it but don't particularly understand the urge.

Probably would have been a bit embarrassed or would roll my eyes if it was my mum when I was a teenager (although my mum was more of the 'why do they always want to talk to me? I must have one of those faces!' types). Not sure why, just an awkwardness of youth thing.

However, my mother in law would have done exactly what you did. We're currently buying a house and they've already done a few drive by missions, driving us mad with their opinions on this that and the other that they've spotted from the roadside. If they'd happen to have seen the owners they absolutely would have got out and had 'a chat' and I would indeed have been annoyed and embarrassed. They've already spoken to one of the neighbours they managed to catch unawares whilst he was out trimming his hedge! (She was round so often before DH bought the house we currently live in, before he met me, that she now counts the older neighbour as one of her 'best friends' and said neighbour, whilst lovely, has also felt free to go visit the new house and offer us her opinions on it, as well as reporting back to my in-laws things she's noticed we're up to, all in the guise of being 'interested' of course!

My MIL would have pulled the old 'I'm just a friendly person who is interested in people, poor me sad face' too as you have above - but it's not about that is it? Chat and be interested to people in queues all you like, but your daughter has been an adult for over 14 years now, this is her house and her decision and conversations with the current owners are hers to manage. Be interested in her, let her tell you about it, let her ask you for your opinion or offer to show you round. Don't be intrusive. If you've spent your life and career being interested in people and what makes them tick as you say, surely you've picked up a bit of sensitivity along the way - it shouldn't be hard to understand that some people would find what you did overstepping, and for you as a mother to know whether your own daughter is one of those people. (I appreciate the one buying the house isn't the one who criticised you - does she know and what does she think? Arguably that matters more than what you, your other daughter or random mumsnetters think of the situation.)

Ahahahaha - oh god, my entire career has been public-facing and I’m the chattiest person in the world. But there’s a line and for many of us, that’s going up to see your daughter’s potential new house without being invited to by her, and then talking to the current owner.

I feel like you aren't listening to anyone who’s saying ‘you’re overstepping into your daughter’s affairs’, and instead coming up with increasingly tenuous explanations to justify your actions.

You're not out of touch at all, nor would my Gen Z adult DC think you were.

DS had a couple of friends round yesterday - they're 14. First he warned me that one is a bit socially awkward. Then, as they arrived, I heard him say to them, "my mum is here working in the lounge. Make sure you say hello otherwise she gets all funny".

I had to laugh. But I ifigured it was a good thing - I'm teaching him normal manners, even if currently he thinks its me being ridiculous and strange!

I think your dd might have thought you were interfering in her house purchase. I can see how I might have felt that 20 years ago when I still sort of saw my parents as full blown parental figures. But I'd also just ignore her personally.

One thing that I think we all have to learn is that we can't and shouldn't police our parents' behaviour. They are grown adults, presumably competent, who have navigated the world for years. If we are embarassed b y them, that's on us, not them.

I done know that it's always strictly a generational issue. I'm 51 so firmly within Gen X. I've found that I'm much more sociable with anyone and much less concerned about how that would be perceived as I've got older. I think that it's as much an age/life experience thing as anything else.

But this isn’t about you being ‘chatty’ is it?

It’s about you driving to this house for a good old nosey nose nose and then stopping and getting out and talking to the owner. Interested what this ‘chatty chat chat’ was about. Guessing not the weather or where he was off to on holiday this year. More likely ‘my daughter wants to buy your house etc etc’

Totally over stepping nosey intrusive nonsense and now you’re pretending you’re all innocent and faux ‘oh I’m just chatty’
No, you’re nosey. And interfering.

I have no idea what generation we’re talking about here, but I’m mid 40s. I think small talk with someone as you happen to be out on a walk is perfectly normal.

Stalking the current residents of the house your dd is moving into is a bit weird. My dd (young teen) and I totally did a reconnaissance mission past our house before we bought it, but absolutely would have run and hid before having a conversation with the owners because that would have seemed creepy.

I suspect it’s not so much that your dd thinks small talk is weird, but more that it seems a bit overbearing and stalker ish because you’re her mum.

Im in London and talk to everyone, loads of bus chats here. Daughter does it too now (late 20’s)

I’m in my fifties and quite happy to talk to strangers in almost any situation.

But in my opinion you crossed a line here.

Your daughter’s house purchase is a legal and financial transaction that has nothing to do with you.

Your behaviour was intrusive and overbearing.

You wouldnt go and introduce yourself to the owner of a house your best friend was looking at would you? Because it would be inappropriate. This isn’t any different because it’s your daughter.

I had a similar experience with a close relative when we bought our first house in our twenties. I was really cross and felt totally disrespected.

The relative concerned was totally baffled, and never understood why we were annoyed.

So I’m Gen Z but on the older end of the generation. I’m 26. I have also realised that many people my age and younger do have difficulty speaking to people they don’t know. I don’t have this problem and would happily chat to anyone. I’ve had some funny looks from people in their early 20s when I’ve struck up a random conversation with them, it’s like they don’t know how to react to people talking to them in real life instead of on a screen. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable or out of touch, there’s nothing wrong with having a friendly conversation with anyone.

Talking to strangers, no problem. Driving by the potential home of my adult child and then starting a conversation with the home owners, that would be a boundary transgression and I wouldn’t be amused.

I’m 39, so a millennial.
This is the kind of thing my nan (who I lived with so she was basically my parent) would have done and I would have been fuming.
It’s not the same as happening to walk past the house and see the owner and stopping for a chat. It’s being deliberately nosey and invasive and this (along with other things) is why I am NC with a lot of my family.

It's a funny old world we live in now, so I will take note from the posters who have said I am in the wrong here and do my best to reign this side of me in. For those who have said it's interfering then I take that on board too and learn from these messages.