Am I so out of touch?

[Outoftouchbabyboomer]

My Gen Z daughter and I were discussing her sister's potential new home this weekend. I happened to mention that I'd driven by to have a look and see what it was like and that the owner (similar age to me) was on the drive so we said hello, had a brief chat and off I went. To me this is quite normal to be friendly to others but she said that I'm too open and friendly and their generation isn't the same. She was quite hurtful in what she said and I feel like I must be an embarrassment and totally out of touch with how her generation think. Am I really awful for having done this?

Definitely not down south where I did find people less chatty when we lived there! I'm sure not everyone from down south isn't chatty but I certainly found a difference when we moved

Not the pp but I also think it’s a bit odd (I’m late 40s if that is useful info in any way). I wouldn’t think it was odd if you’d been walking past, and the owner was on the drive so you stopped to chat. I think it’s odd because you were driving by, and saw the owner and stopped the car to get out and look. Seems a lot more “purposely checking it out” without your daughter there, like you don’t trust her to make good choices and she needs her parents to check and find things out about the area and neighbours for her. It feels a bit infantilising. If she’d invited you with her, sure no problem. Or if you’d driven past, looked and carried on no problem. Or if you’d been walking past anyway because you live in the area, and stopped to chat that seems less weird. But driving all the way over there, seeing the owners, stopping and getting out and basically saying “I’ve come out here to have a nosey without my daughter” seems a bit much.

Basically - I like randomly chatting to people. But this isn’t random at all. It’s not small talk, it’s research.

My kids are Gen Z (apparently) & I find them & their friends to be quite self conscious and constrained in what is ok to do & what isn't. I think the constant surveillance of social media has made younger people overly self conscious & very worried about being judged.

Yes. They're really paranoid about anything that might be considered "cringe". I think social media plays a major part and possibly also isolation at a crucial age for social development with covid.

A lot of it is just "teens" though (well aware some gen z are a bit older). Most of us thought our parents did weird shit I think!

@LuckyNumberFive "I don't know what generation gen Z is. I'm 32, but I do feel like my generation has a lot less patience with small talk ..."

Straight into the metaphysics, aye?

Chatting to a random stranger - here for it and then some! Love me a natter with a randomer.

Going out to my daughter’s potential new home that she wants to put an offer in for and ending up having a chat with the current owner? No, that feels like it crosses a line. That’s her thing in her life and I would be very uncomfortable if my mum had done that. Especially without me. It’s intrusive and deffo not her place.

Not Gen Z here - I’m cusp of Gen X and Millennial, born in the early Eighties. But totally understand why this weirded your other younger daughter out.

Edit: also a Northerner, born and bred. No southern reserve here. Still uncomfortable with the planned trip out and then talking to the current owner.

I'm allowed an opinion, is that alright with you?

I'm old and I hate chatting to random strangers - just seems an odd thing to do. I certainly wouldn't dream of going around to the house my child is buying and talking to the current owner - that's a bit creepy (well, intrusive anyway).

she said that I'm too open and friendly and their generation isn't the same. She was quite hurtful in what she said and I feel like I must be an embarrassment and totally out of touch with how her generation think. Am I really awful for having done this?

did she say more than this? Because of not, this feels like an overreaction. I don’t know why you would be hurt and feel like you are an embarrassment and wish she would understand your generation better,
simply because she said you’re friendly compared to her generation?

but yes I do think you crossed a line. Dd is dealing with a legal and financial agreement that is a really big deal to her, and you involved yourself without her permission. My mil did this when we bought our first house and I felt like she really overstepped, I wouldn’t get involved in her business in that way so it was more that I found it a bit disrespectful and infantilising.

This makes me laugh my grandad is a typical 80 year old Scottish man. He knows everyone and talks to anyone wherever he goes and I mean this. We always having running jokes about it. My gran has early demntia so sometimes she doesn’t even notice he’s been to the shop for 2 hours because he’s busy talking to people. Anytime we are all together guaranteed he’s off to talk to someone he’s a flight risk when we go out never mind the kids 😂 I say hello to anyone and my partners a bit more introvert to me and he’s like here she goes saying hi to everyone 😂 my daughters like me but worse. My street is older neighbours and she will legit sit in their gardens chatting like an old woman for hours. I’ve had neighbours chap the door with Xmas gifts, birthday gifts random money for days out, one chapped the door with an Easter egg from her dog 🤦🏻‍♀️ I know my neighbours by face but she knows their names and full medical history and life stories xx

Yep. I’m early 40’s if that makes a difference. You have driven to a house being bought by someone else to be nosy and then stopped the car to speak to the owner. It’s just really odd behaviour, people saying oh I can’t to anyone do they really pull up outside someone’s house to have a chat with a stranger? It’s nothing like someone chatting to you in a queue or on a dog walk etc

49, so Gen X, and it's a hard agree from me.

I'd suggest you apologise, OP.

Totally over stepping and nosey. I’m guessing she hasn’t even had the sale confirmed (by ‘potential’) but you’ve gone and stalked it and spoken to the current owner unless I’m missing something?
My MIL took it upon herself to go and check out our wedding venue with her sister. (tiny small restaurant - didn’t go for a meal, just rocked up and asked for a nosey) and I can still remember how embarrassed I felt and I was 35 at the time. Nothing to do with generations. Just about having some basic self awareness of what might be appropriate in certain situations

I absolutely think it's a weird, and overly involved thing OP did.

Driving past to have a look, sure, but making the decision to stop and engage with the owner is absolutely something I'd be upset at my mother for doing.

ETA: ESPECIALLY as it's only a potential new home. I suggest you apologise, and rethink your boundaries and lack of self awareness.

I’m 60 and only just not a boomer, and I absolutely would not be doing a drive-by or talking to house-owners/sellers.

It’s not social anxiety it just feels weirdly invasive to me.

So how exactly this happened?

1. you went to see the place by car without your DD, saw the owner on the drive, stopped, went out of the car, introduced yourself as a parent of DD and had a chat with the owner.
2. you went to the house with DD, saw the owner, introduced yourself as a parent of DD and had a chat with them

They are two very different situations for me and I’m generation X.

Unless you have "form" for undermining your children (and my mother did at any chance she got), there is absolutely nothing at all wrong in what you did. The very idea by today's younger people that it's so terribly wrong to speak to strangers makes me fear for the future.

When I was 17, back in the mid 1990s, I worked part time at British Home Stores, as did a great many 17 - 20 years olds, particularly on evenings and weekends. We generally had two types of customer - the "House Of Fraser" type who thought they were slumming it, and the "Littlewoods" type who thought they were going up-market. Either way, every member of staff had been trained to give a performance of a lifetime the moment we stepped out of the lift and onto the sales floor, and to give all customers the same 1st class experience.

To have lacked the skills to greet and engage with total strangers would have cost us our job.

But this is a completely different situation. Of course you should talk helpfully and pleasantly to customers in a store where you work. The OP’s daughter wasn’t cross because she’s good at talking and interacting with strangers. She was cross because the OP went for a nosey at a house her sister is considering buying, stopped the car when she saw the owner there, got out and struck up a conversation to find out info / be nosey / whatever.

Your daughter is not even gen z if she's 32.

I thought you were going to say she's early 20s, in which case I'd understand her being embarrassed, but not at 32!

And what is wrong with that exactly?

I don't see anything wrong with chatting to the owner as you pass by. I probably wouldn't mention I had any personal involvement other than "oh my DD is looking for houses, it looks lovely I'll mention it to her" or something similarly vague, but I don't think it's bad to chat to her.

However I have a Gen Z DD myself who will talk to anyone and everyone, so I don't think it's an inherently "youth of today" thing. She laughs at plenty of my old person ways but not that.

I also think you’ll need to apologise, it was over involved, maybe made her feel like you doubt her choices, and if it’s not a confirmed purchase could impact on the sale (it sounds like you had a friendly conversation but sellers can be awkward and what if you inadvertently offended them etc).

I’m probably around your daughter’s age. I bought my first house and when I moved in my parents went round chatting to all my neighbours, I thought it was a bit odd but neighbours mostly their age or older so left them to it. I personally prefer a polite distance - friendly hello and occasionally bringing bins in!

I'm of a certain age and will happily pass the time of day with strangers. However, if I'm reading the OP correctly, this involved driving by, stopping, getting out and lingering long enough to be noticed by the house owner and then engaging her in conversation?

Whilst none of this is a crime (unless you make a habit of it 😁), I don't feel this is comparable to having a chat at a bus stop. If you'd turned up at my house, I'd have been a little suspicious of your motives, and would be wondering if you're accomplices were breaking into through my back window whilst we chatted.

I’m quite introverted but even I like chatting to complete strangers sometimes, it actually gives you a lift. I suspect working in retail early on and travelling primed me a bit. I’m gen x and I think gen z are missing out here. Mind you I am totally with them on phone calls.

At 32 your daughter is a millennial, not Gen Z. I don’t think the issue is you chatting to random people, it’s that you spoke to the owner. It seems nosey to me and if I was the owner I’d wonder why an adult’s mother was so involved. You have totally overstepped and made it seem like you don’t trust her decisions. I am a similar age and would be so embarrassed if my mum did this. You owe your daughter an apology and you need to respect her as an adult. Stop making it about you being out of touch, realise it is about you infantilising your daughter