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Original poster

Silent treatment or is he just processing...

51 replies

Mondaybluez · 28/07/2025 11:15

Name changed for this as may be outing

Got back with my boyfriend of over a year after 2 months apart in May/June this year - we split due to arguments caused by his rubbish communication and lack of communication.

Got back together both agreed to communicate better - even though he said my communication wasnt and isn't a problem - Saturday I was feeling a little annoyed with him as I feel it's always me planning and organising when we see each other next etc we live separately and about an hours drive apart...I have dcs he has none... but told him I felt upset about something but not in the right headspace to speak about it yet and just see how it planned out (for context he was off Saturday not working) and I wanted to see if he tried to arrange to see me. He didn't. So on sat evening when my dd went to bed I explained I feel it's always me arranging when we see each other and he doesn't ever try to see me or suggest it,, I explained that I let it play out that day and didn't suggest he came over that day because it doesn't feel like he genuinely wants to see me when it's always me asking and he got extremely angry with me, said I didn't communicate with him, even though I told him I wasn't in the right headspace and wanted to let it play out, and has now said he's too angry to speak to me - he basically ignored me all Saturday evening, Sunday and still nothing from him - in the past him going silent has been a problem that he promised he wouldn't do.

Feel like I expressed feelings, he got pissed off and now I'm getting the silent treatment? Am I in the wrong?

OP posts:
flipent · 28/07/2025 11:18

Why have you gone back to this relationship? From what you've written, I think you might have been better off making the split permanent.

Cherrysoup · 28/07/2025 11:26

I don’t think he’s particularly keen on this relationship, tbh.

TwistedWonder · 28/07/2025 11:28

It’s not a relationship worth bothering with imo.

End it and walk away from the drama.

Original poster
Mondaybluez · 28/07/2025 11:28

Sorry for all my typos etc

As I was typing this out on my break at work - I stood there thinking what the hell did I go back for? He promised me he wouldn't do this stuff and improve...

He has said I'm making a problem out of nothing like I always do and I could of avoided all of this - I have no idea what the hell I'm suppose to have done!!

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 28/07/2025 11:29

You’ve not done anything - he’s a pathetic manbaby.

Dozer · 28/07/2025 11:30

Break up with him again and end contact. Dating a man with poor communication skills and / or not making an effort won’t lead to good things.

Grammarninja · 28/07/2025 11:40

Maybe he leaves you to arrange meet ups because you have kids which means you're more limited in what you can do...?

HowAmYa · 28/07/2025 11:43

Jeez this sounds more effort than it’s worth
Relationships should be easy. He doesn’t sound like he’s that much into you either. Less then a year and it sounds dire as fuck.

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 28/07/2025 11:45

The relationship sounds problematic, but it doesn't feel healthy that you set him up to fail. You knew and could predict based on previous behaviour that he wouldn't try to arrange something, yet you set a test for him to fail and then got upset. You can't play games with people. If your needs or wants aren't being met, ask.

Gettingbysomehow · 28/07/2025 11:45

If it quacks like a duck its a duck. He isn't processing he's sulking.
Dump him. My ex didn't know how to communicate and did this all the time. It's horrible to live with full time. It kills the relationship.

BuddhaAtSea · 28/07/2025 12:00

I’m not being a patronising cow, but genuinely, do you know what normal looks like? Because what you described above doesn’t sound like a normal relationship. He doesn’t give a fuck, yet you’re trying to flog a dead horse.
You deserve better. It’s too much hard work with this guy, and it really doesn’t need to be.
Last week both DP and I were busy, I told him I have to pick up a parcel and my prescription on my day off, he texted to say: I’m on my way to mum’s, but I can swing by, give you a quick lift to the post office if you want, which he did, it was nice to see him briefly, and we continued with our day. It doesn’t have to be more than that, just touching base.

Original poster
Mondaybluez · 28/07/2025 12:05

Grammarninja · 28/07/2025 11:40

Maybe he leaves you to arrange meet ups because you have kids which means you're more limited in what you can do...?

I don't have much free time without kids and he knows its every other weekend only but he's welcome when kids are in bed x

OP posts:
Original poster
Mondaybluez · 28/07/2025 12:06

BuddhaAtSea · 28/07/2025 12:00

I’m not being a patronising cow, but genuinely, do you know what normal looks like? Because what you described above doesn’t sound like a normal relationship. He doesn’t give a fuck, yet you’re trying to flog a dead horse.
You deserve better. It’s too much hard work with this guy, and it really doesn’t need to be.
Last week both DP and I were busy, I told him I have to pick up a parcel and my prescription on my day off, he texted to say: I’m on my way to mum’s, but I can swing by, give you a quick lift to the post office if you want, which he did, it was nice to see him briefly, and we continued with our day. It doesn’t have to be more than that, just touching base.

Awww that's really nice! That's exactly what I want..

OP posts:
Original poster
Mondaybluez · 28/07/2025 12:07

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 28/07/2025 11:45

The relationship sounds problematic, but it doesn't feel healthy that you set him up to fail. You knew and could predict based on previous behaviour that he wouldn't try to arrange something, yet you set a test for him to fail and then got upset. You can't play games with people. If your needs or wants aren't being met, ask.

I wasn't upset as in upset more frustrated and annoyed that he hadn't tried again - it's the first time since we got back together he could of come to see me tbh so thought he would of made the effort

OP posts:
HappyintheHills · 28/07/2025 12:09

When he’s sulking what happens to end it?

What would expect to happen once he had processed, if that’s what he’s doing?

Original poster
Mondaybluez · 28/07/2025 12:11

HappyintheHills · 28/07/2025 12:09

When he’s sulking what happens to end it?

What would expect to happen once he had processed, if that’s what he’s doing?

Previously when this has happened I get in touch with him.

Talk about why I felt frustrated and feel like it's always me arranging and hope he understands what am saying and tries to have more time together

But the more I process the more I think I made a mistake getting back with him to begin with!

OP posts:
HappyintheHills · 28/07/2025 12:15

So don’t get in touch with him to plead your case. Leave him to sulk. Get on with a happier life.
If he’s processing, which doesn’t seem likely, he will get in touch with you, possibly accepting you might have a point and he’ll work on it.

HelloCheekyCat · 28/07/2025 13:06

You broke up for a reason, getting back together and expecting him to be a different person is madness

Let him sulk and split up for good

SonofDeva · 28/07/2025 13:57

I do feel sorry for you. My wife and I argue, shout at each other but deep down we love each other. We've raised two beautiful daughters, which isn't easy and requires sacrifices from both sides. Your partner comes across as a man child, wanting you to do everything for him. Why did you take him back? Get rid, concentrate on your children and move on.

Take care ❤️

THisbackwithavengeance · 28/07/2025 14:03

You told him you were upset with him about something, refused to tell him what and then wonder why he doesn’t get in touch??

I wouldn’t have got in touch with you either tbh. He was obviously trying to avoid a rollicking.

I’ll be honest. You sound like hard work, he sounds like he CBA. I’m sure you’re both nice people but totally not suited so I’d go your separate ways.

Original poster
Mondaybluez · 28/07/2025 15:01

THisbackwithavengeance · 28/07/2025 14:03

You told him you were upset with him about something, refused to tell him what and then wonder why he doesn’t get in touch??

I wouldn’t have got in touch with you either tbh. He was obviously trying to avoid a rollicking.

I’ll be honest. You sound like hard work, he sounds like he CBA. I’m sure you’re both nice people but totally not suited so I’d go your separate ways.

No I didn't tell him I was upset with him I said I'm just feeling a little down about something but I'm not in the right headspace to speak about it atm but don't worry nothing that can't be fixed. Then I told him once I got my dd to bed and I could speak obviously not in front of her. I let it play out thinking I was jumping the gun saying something too soon.

No rollicking needed or was going to be dished out more of a if your happy with not seeing each other alot then ok but I'm looking for something more substantial etc however deffo not suited the more I've wrote and seen the replies

OP posts:
Original poster
Mondaybluez · 28/07/2025 15:02

SonofDeva · 28/07/2025 13:57

I do feel sorry for you. My wife and I argue, shout at each other but deep down we love each other. We've raised two beautiful daughters, which isn't easy and requires sacrifices from both sides. Your partner comes across as a man child, wanting you to do everything for him. Why did you take him back? Get rid, concentrate on your children and move on.

Take care ❤️

Thank you. I do think he is sulking and I've made a mistake going back!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mondaybluez · 28/07/2025 15:03

HappyintheHills · 28/07/2025 12:15

So don’t get in touch with him to plead your case. Leave him to sulk. Get on with a happier life.
If he’s processing, which doesn’t seem likely, he will get in touch with you, possibly accepting you might have a point and he’ll work on it.

Doesn't seem likely does it... your right so I won't contact and I haven't contacted - going to do me and mine and be happy x

OP posts:
MageQueen · 28/07/2025 15:09

I don't really understand when you told him to let it play out and that's confusing me. But, overall, the reality is that you dont' feel he makes enough effort. When you mention this to him, there were a bunch of responses that would have been justified:
"I'm sorry I'll try harder" - this is probably what you were hoping for, followed by him ACTUALLY trying harder.

"No, I don't because I feel like with your busy life it's easier for you to decide these things" - that probably would have annoyed you but it would at least give you a clear sense of his thinking so you can decide if this works for you or not or if you want to ask him to try something different.

Instead, he's had a little tantrum and is now punishing you by not talking to you?

what do you even get out of this relationship? Becuase I'm wiling to put money on there being a BUNCH of other things that are problematic that you either haven't mentioned or, as likely, haven't even noticed yet. Could be anything, but a few things that I think are possible include him i) making you feel bad if you do things for yourself, ii) him mooching off you when he stays at your house and/or you having to pay for everything, iii) him expecting sex whenever yo do see him and being less interested if you aren't up for it iv) you finding yourself questioning your decisions because somehow you know he won't approve or agree or like them....

BitOutOfPractice · 28/07/2025 15:11

I’m afraid I agree that it comes across like you playing games - I’m upset but not going to tell you what about etc. That would drive me crazy! And I don’t think it’s an example of great communication.

Having said that, he sounds a bit useless, not that into you, and a sulky child to boot.

I think there’s a reason you broke up before. And he hasn’t changed. And he’s still not going to give you what you want. I’d break up if I were you.

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