Silent treatment or is he just processing...

[Mondaybluez]

Name changed for this as may be outing

Got back with my boyfriend of over a year after 2 months apart in May/June this year - we split due to arguments caused by his rubbish communication and lack of communication.

Got back together both agreed to communicate better - even though he said my communication wasnt and isn't a problem - Saturday I was feeling a little annoyed with him as I feel it's always me planning and organising when we see each other next etc we live separately and about an hours drive apart...I have dcs he has none... but told him I felt upset about something but not in the right headspace to speak about it yet and just see how it planned out (for context he was off Saturday not working) and I wanted to see if he tried to arrange to see me. He didn't. So on sat evening when my dd went to bed I explained I feel it's always me arranging when we see each other and he doesn't ever try to see me or suggest it,, I explained that I let it play out that day and didn't suggest he came over that day because it doesn't feel like he genuinely wants to see me when it's always me asking and he got extremely angry with me, said I didn't communicate with him, even though I told him I wasn't in the right headspace and wanted to let it play out, and has now said he's too angry to speak to me - he basically ignored me all Saturday evening, Sunday and still nothing from him - in the past him going silent has been a problem that he promised he wouldn't do.

Feel like I expressed feelings, he got pissed off and now I'm getting the silent treatment? Am I in the wrong?

What you did was to stand up for yourself and call him out on his behaviour, which you had every right to do.

He wants you to shut up and tolerate all his shit, and never complain about anything he ever does to upset or annoy you. He is furious that you had the temerity to have a bit of a moan at him, and he is now giving you the silent treatment to punish you, and to teach you that you are the problem.

Stuff that for a game of soldiers. You don't need that sort of hassle in your life, so dump him and be done with it.

It was more of a let the day play out and will speak about it later 1 because I wasn't in the right headspace at the time and 2 because he could of suggested coming to see me later on - then he didn't so I voiced what I felt. Hope that makes sense.

You've nailed it. There is more things that worry me to be honest but this is the icing for me - he is using silent treatment on me and I find it really nasty

I thought this initally but then questioned if I was over reacting! Phew glad I'm not....thank you ..these were my thoughts exactly

It wasn't an intentional playing games or worded as you say it was more like somethings bothering me but we can talk about it when am in better headspace later and let the day play out but nothing we can't sort - does that change your view on it?

Yeah, whether consciously or unconsciously he is training you to accept without complaint whatever sh*t he pulls.

this relationship has no legs, you are worth so very much more.

Not really tbh. Why volunteer out of the blue that you’re upset then say you don’t want to talk about it and hope That he reads your mind that you want him to invite himself over? I don’t think that’s really greatt communication tbh. It would have been better to say “I’m feeling upset about your lack of proactivity. Why don’t you come over later to talk it through?”

But as I said, that’s a bit irrelevant because his reaction has been really shit. He’s not changed since you broke up before. And he can’t or won’t give you what you want in a relationship. But I think you realise that now.

I wish you all the best op. I know exactly what it’s like to just be so bloody disappointed in a man.

I didn't want to invite him over or ask him for any more time because it doesn't feel genuine then if that makes sense? He picked up I was off so I had to say something but I really wasn't in the right frame of mind midday to speak to him about it was too busy trying to keep dd occupied and get through the day so said we would speak about it later.

Yes I do - realitys hit hard ... actions speak louder than words right!

Just seems like it's all one big waste of time now haha

Thank you OP... as I thought then - ugh I shouldn't of bothered going back!

Yes, waste of time. Had you matched his level of effort sooner it’d have fizzled sooner, which would have been better than this.

Just give up it’s going nowhere.

I've given up now. Still nothing from him.

Don't even think I'll bother replying if I do ever get anything from him....really shit and sad but it is what it is

This is over so cut your losses and move on.
I agree with some of the PP’s who say that your communication wasn’t great. He’s not a mind reader and he’s even less likely to want to come over if you say there’s something wrong and don’t say what, then don’t contact him while you ‘let it play out’. That won’t make for an enjoyable evening. If you wanted to see him you should have said, especially as you have kids and he doesn’t.
So given he’s putting in no effort and doesn’t seem that bothered about making long term changes, he was never going to pass your test.
My ex was like this and in the end I had to accept that he just wasn’t that into me. We broke up and got back together multiple times over his ghosting and lack of communication. It got better for a couple of weeks then he reverted to type. Yours will do the same. You need to leave and don’t go back.

So, you were being off with him which he noticed and instead of being up front about your feelings, you let him sweat in the hopes that he would read your mind and behave in exactly the way you want. You were playing a game and set him up to fail. He has every right to be angry but the silent treatment is never an appropriate reaction.

You both have communication issues and he doesn’t seem that bothered about the relationship if he’s not making plans to see you. Draw a line under it and move on.

I wasn't being off with him, I think I was just off in general - I was also upset and knew if we spoke about the issue right then I would be reactive to anything he said because I wasn't in the right mindset so I explained this but also said it's nothing we can't fix and sort and nothing to worry about. I don't see how that's me not communicating? Or should I just be reactive and entertain my dd who's 7 and just spill?

Yeah your right.

I did contact him? I didn't say something was wrong and then not contact him, we were in contact as normal over message for the duration of the day and then when my dd went to bed I said that I was abit upset before because you didn't think about coming to see me this eve, he then got extremely annoyed and shouty on the phone saying I've made something out of nothing which I always do (apparently) and he doesn't want to speak to me.

I also previously in the week invited him over for Sunday dinner on Sunday - he never gave me an answer to this either for the duration of the week.

Yes silent treatment not good

I do to a degree understand everyone's povS of my approach however I don't think people are understanding the bigger picture of it - in the morning I was asking about his day when we had a conversation on the phone etc and he was going to look at a job and then had no plans - I didn't invite him over as I always feel it's me asking for his time and I don't feel it's genuine and kind of feel like he should want to spend as much time as we can together seen I've been saying for a while and previously that I struggle with our lack of time together - he tells me constantly he's missing me etc but the actions just arnt there.... he asked me if something was up midday and I said that I have alot on my mind and kinda upset about a few things to which he asked what it was and I explained I'm not in the right headspace to discuss right now, also had dd who's 7 to entertain but also said it's no big deal and that it's nothing that can't be sorted just let the day play out. We both got on with our day and messaged back and forth as normal until bedtime for my dd when I said so I was upset before because I always feel it's me planning and trying to get time together and I don't feel he does, he got defensive very quickly, was nasty with his tone and told me I've made something out of nothing like I always do and he doesn't want to speak to me. And that was that.

Starting telling him what was wrong when it was midday my daughter was having mid day boredom and my headspace wasn't right and I felt I would be reactive and not productive didn't seem like a good idea! Maybe I'm wrong with that thinking

In a good relationship- one person says they are upset/annoyed about something and they tell the partner.

Ideally the partner listens and takes on board the ‘complaint’. A reasonable discussion should follow, different view points are discussed, and a resolution/compromise/understanding is arrived at together.

However, in a relationship with a toxic bully, when you try to bring up something in a genuine attempt to make the relationship better, they immediately get angry, tell you that YOU are the problem/YOU are too sensitive, no one but YOU thinks that way - then storm off. Because if they took on your point of view, they would have to change their behaviour, and the last thing they want to do is be accountable to someone else.

A good relationship to them, is when they get to do what ever they want.

The saddest thing about this - they are the one who has caused the problem - but here’s you on Mumsnet, asking “Am I in the wrong?”

NO, YOU ARE NOT IN THE FUCKING wrong - he is, and he’s a controlling, nasty bully.

I should know, I was married to someone who played this game on me for 30years. I went to therapy to try and make sense of myself, I truly believed I was just a pathetic waste of space and no use to anyone.

Turns out here was nothing wrong with me, I was just married to a nasty piece of work.

Oh and this just my experience of therapy coming out.

your long answers where you are trying to explain everything and coming over as defensive - is very indicative of someone who has been undermined this way.

I bet you think to yourself, “if only I could find the right words to explain myself so he can understand what I’m trying to say” - he understands alright - he just doesn’t want to concede any power to you. If he actually listened to you -he’d have to change and he doesn’t want to do that.

It sounds like he would have said anything to get you to go back with him - hell he might even thought he meant it at the time - but in his head, he’s the more important one, and his needs are therefore more important than yours ever will be.

Thank you OP and I'm so sorry that you have been through this too such a horrible degree!!

I agree with everything you wrote and more! I just doubted myself with my thought on it but now you've spelt it out for me like that - I'm not wrong - he wants it his way and any complaint or feeling from me that doesn't go with his want is automatically shut down and rejected

I'm going to screenshot your responses and rereading them when I feel low and crap about being ignored and forgotten about and just remind myself - I am not the problem!!

Gaslighting, he doesn't want to do feelings do you have sex? go out? Or does he come to see you for a away escape from his girlfriend and kids which im presuming he does probably have. Or a baby mom who he sleeps with cause there all horrible bastards these days going from one woman to the next

Okay, I’m going to disagree with some previous posters and say you both contributed to the poor communication here.

In terms of what you should have done - you should have clearly communicated your needs and feelings about him not meeting them re: planning dates.

Instead you implied you were sulking about something but then refused to say what, making things feel quite awkward. You then set a secret “test” for him and then had a strop when he failed the test you hadn’t told him he was being subjected to.

I completely agree that his communication wasn’t great either - but this isn’t a one-sided problem.

Sadly this is not the sort of man who ‘processes’ anything, and it seems that you are at the periphery of his life. To what extent do you share interests and communicate about stuff that matters? Are you sure that he sees you as anything other than a convenient booty call after your kids have gone to bed?

Better to be without a man than making do with a chancer.

Thank you @Mondaybluez for your words. It means a lot to me if my experience helps someone else see through to the ‘truth’ at the heart of the man they love.

I see some people have questioned you for your part in this when you said “I wasn’t in the right headspace”.

I also recognise this. I learned that any complaint from me, sometimes even just a different opinion or even a casual comment could cause a negative reaction - anything from a nasty comment to full blown rage - so you learn to pick your words Very, Very Carefully.

Throw away comments other people feel happy using like “Bloody hell mate - why do I have to make all the arrangements- can’t you organise something for once” - no, no no. You learn to use your words very carefully.

I friend has accused me of overthinking everything, but I’ve realised I had to overthink because I’d never know what innocuous words of mine would set him off.

Conditioning and walking around on tip toes! Exactly I totally relate.

I knew I was upset at the time so didn't wanna get reactive and be distracted from dd - it's all so headfucking.

I didn't put him through a test either, yes I let the day play out, but I wasn't arsey about the fact he didn't arrange to see me that day, just said in future. However , I do think, I'm not important to him and that's that now ! It's not healthy and it's not nice

You set him a test you knew he'd fail and now your upset.
You both could be adults and use your grown up words...not acting like silly teen-agers