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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being horrible about DH?

56 replies

MHnursingmama · 26/07/2025 22:33

So not sure where to start really. Ive been with my husband since 2013 and we have a son together. Im not sure if we are compatible or if most men are like this and our relationship is normal.
My husband is a quiet, reserved person and he's never been particularly full of life or shown much motivation. He has worked in the same okay job for over 20 years and despite being intelligent does not want a career of any kind 'a job is just a job' he says.
Hes kind in many ways, wouldn't cheat on me no addictions etc but I just cant help but compare him to his friends who all have successful careers, side jobs and just seem to have a bit more oomph about them. Im just not sure that this is enough, or am I asking too much that he at least tries to get a job with some prospects and sick pay? . I feel like such a bitch though as hes a nice guy. Just dont know what to do really.

OP posts:
MuckFusk · 26/07/2025 22:56

It sounds like you don't share the same values. You value ambition and extraversion he would rather just live a quiet, unobtrusive, unchallenging life. An introvert cannot become an extravert. If being with an introvert is not acceptable to you then you need to end it. You have a decision to make. Personally, I would accept him the way he is. Guys who are kind, who don't cheat or abuse you in some way or have addictions don't exactly grow on trees. His go-getter friends may well be cheaters, as studies show a correlation between extraversion and infidelity.

Original poster
MHnursingmama · 26/07/2025 22:59

I wouldn't exactly say im an extrovert either. But i do have to carry most of our conversations. He does have Interests but they are not the same as mine. I 100 percent take your point that good men dont grow on trees and I take total responsibility for choosing this man and hoping that with time he'd change a little.

OP posts:
Whatatodo79 · 26/07/2025 23:02

Are you working in a job you'd consider a career? My sister feels the same about her husband, but she works hard in a high earning job and would find this harder if he wasn't always home on time, able to fit his holidays around hers etc from his job

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 26/07/2025 23:04

How successful is your career? How many side jobs do you have?

If you knew he entered in to a relationship with you in the expectation that he could change from the person you were into the person he wanted you to be, how would that make you feel?

slightlydistrac · 26/07/2025 23:06

Why no sick pay - is he self employed?

CaptainFuture · 26/07/2025 23:06

@MHnursingmama do you have a successful career, a side job and oomph about you?

Original poster
MHnursingmama · 26/07/2025 23:06

Im degree educated, im a proffesional. I also am i massive people pleaser so I probably would have tried to change for him. I have changed in ways ive become much more cautious and tried to settle and want less out of life.
I get the impression that people must think im a massive bitch for writing this !

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 26/07/2025 23:07

Successful/professional and high earning?

Original poster
MHnursingmama · 26/07/2025 23:08

slightlydistrac · 26/07/2025 23:06

Why no sick pay - is he self employed?

No, his job just doesn't provide it. He would just get SSP. Ive tried to talk to him multiple times as this makes me feel unsafe as he has a physical job and is now in his 40s.

OP posts:
Original poster
MHnursingmama · 26/07/2025 23:10

CaptainFuture · 26/07/2025 23:07

Successful/professional and high earning?

I never said this was about money

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 26/07/2025 23:10

I get the impression that people must think im a massive bitch for writing this !
Well your thread does make you sound incredibly shallow and monetary focused. As in a sm 'likes' based values person as opposed to anything else.

CaptainFuture · 26/07/2025 23:11

MHnursingmama · 26/07/2025 23:10

I never said this was about money

Show quote history

So what's a 'successful ' job that's not well paid that you'd prefer he did?

Original poster
MHnursingmama · 26/07/2025 23:11

I never said this was about money

OP posts:
abracadabra1980 · 26/07/2025 23:11

This is going to be harsh, but "choosing this man and hoping that with time he'd change a little" is utterly ridiculous. Why, oh why, do women do this whilst involving a child? It's so unforgivably selfish.

RosesAndHellebores · 26/07/2025 23:13

Did you not know what he was like back in 2013 and think about compatibility then? Before you had a child? What satisfied you then and doesn't now?

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 26/07/2025 23:13

My question wasn't about if you had voluntarily changed. It was about how you would feel if you discovered that he started the relationship with you in the expectation that he could change you to match his view of who you should be. Would that be fair or reasonable of him?

You've got every right to end a relationship if it's not working for you. But if you do I would suggest you think very carefully about what it is you would want from a future relationship. And, in particular, you should think very carefully about whether you're holding your putative partner to standards of behaviour/ambition/hobbies that you don't think apply to you.

Freeme31 · 26/07/2025 23:14

Be careful what you wish for- the grass is not always greener also ask yourself do you want to only see your children 50 of their young adult lives ? Good men can be hard to find get a hobby if your bored

Neodymium · 26/07/2025 23:15

do you actually have a job though, or are you a sahm. Having a degree and being a professional doesn’t mean you are working in that job. Which is relevant to this.

Not everyone wants to climb the ladder. I am a teacher and have 0 interest in applying for head of department or head of year jobs despite having been asked to do so.

Ddakji · 26/07/2025 23:15

Well, perhaps you should have been a bit more Mrs Bennett about choosing your life partner.

As the love trolls in Frozen sang, “you can’t really change him, cos people don’t really change.”

Original poster
MHnursingmama · 26/07/2025 23:16

Neodymium · 26/07/2025 23:15

do you actually have a job though, or are you a sahm. Having a degree and being a professional doesn’t mean you are working in that job. Which is relevant to this.

Not everyone wants to climb the ladder. I am a teacher and have 0 interest in applying for head of department or head of year jobs despite having been asked to do so.

Yes I work full time.

OP posts:
GasperyJacquesRoberts · 26/07/2025 23:17

Do you have side jobs as well?

CaptainFuture · 26/07/2025 23:18

Neodymium · 26/07/2025 23:15

do you actually have a job though, or are you a sahm. Having a degree and being a professional doesn’t mean you are working in that job. Which is relevant to this.

Not everyone wants to climb the ladder. I am a teacher and have 0 interest in applying for head of department or head of year jobs despite having been asked to do so.

This, am an AHP, if I started to climb the greasy pole of management, Id lose patient contact and be a desk jockey.

Original poster
MHnursingmama · 26/07/2025 23:24

Okay, i get it im being totally unfair to him and should be greatful for him.
Things are obviously tough when you are both working with a primary age school child and resentments are going to happen.
I havent done a very good job explaining how I feel and im obviously not coming across very well so I think I'll leave this here.
I wasn't expecting so many people to come for me I was just looking for opinions and maybe a little support

OP posts:
iamnotalemon · 26/07/2025 23:24

I guess if your OH had a more ‘successful career’ or ‘side job’ there would also be downsides to that - not seeing him as much etc etc.

Brandyb · 26/07/2025 23:25

What I'm hearing is that you don't really find your husband engaging or good to spend time with, a bit meh, and you find his lack of ambition a turnoff.
Honestly if you loved the pants off him the job wouldn't matter, given that he has one and contributes.
Esther Perel is great on what keeps that spark alive and it might be worth looking into her writing or podcasts and deciding whether you want to be with him going forward. It's helped me understand how my other half and I are still so good after nearly 30 years.
I don't think you should settle because he's not an arsehole. Boredom is a killer...